I Hate You All
by Akumokagetsu
Summary: Ryan Miller, after hurtling himself into a cliched Vortex-o-Doom, finds himself in a colorful, joyous living hell. Uncovering a vast political conspiracy and the dark underbelly of Ponyville, our (almost) hero discovers that the very borders of the Universe are now at great risk. And he could not give a single shit less. THE NOT SO EPIC STORY BEFORE THE NOT SO EPIC CONCLUSION!
1. Chapter 1

**I know I said I wouldn't write another story while working on another, but, well…**

**I lied.**

**From this point forward, this story is going to be my central focus, with**** Übermensch And Megalomania ****periodically updated when I have the time. I'm doing this for several reasons, all of which will be voiced.**

**At some point or another.**

**For one, **_**this shit changed my life.**_** I think that deserves, at the very least, a decent story here and there. If you've never heard of this before in your life, go away and Google this. Right now.**

_**Right the hell now.**_

**But, uh, be careful. This **_**is**_** Google we're talking about.**

**Also, when I say 'tell me if you have complaints,' I meant leave it in the comments section. Not **_**spam my inbox with approximately fifty-seven messages, all titled 'you suck'.**_

**Thanks for that, guy. Although, I will give you a certain amount of merit. I mean, seriously. **_**Fifty-seven?**_** That's a **_**lot**_** of hate and spare time. Get a hobby.**

**Here. I've got one in mind for you.**

**(Also, for those of you who are currently unaware, this will mainly be posted on instead of the regular, so if you want the most recent updates, check there.)**

**All right, I'm done ranting. Enjoy!**

**Or, don't. Whatever.**

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Ryan Miller was having a hell of a day.

After flinging himself into a whirling violet vortex of destruction and pain brought about by a mysterious man with a magical blue box, it suddenly occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, that was a bad idea.

Ryan felt himself being pulled deeper and deeper into the whirlwind, the world vanishing behind him as the vortex yanked him this way and that.

Chaos. It was sheer chaos.

Pain enveloped him within seconds, and the tumbling and twisting completely disoriented him. This must be what it was like, being pulled into a black hole. He could have sworn he was being compressed, crushed, his very being ground down. He'd never before felt quite so… trapped. His consciousness funneled to a single point as he slowly passed out, the whirling dervish of destruction whispering him a madman's lullaby…

And then it was over.

Curled up into the fetal position, his eyes clutched tightly closed, Ryan clutched his arms closely.

At least, he thought they were his arms. For as much as he was tossed about, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference if any of his other limbs had been swapped out with others.

Very, very slowly, he gently patted himself, sitting up. Okay, fingers, toes, limbs; all check.

He was alive. He was ali- OHHOLYFUCK.

Ryan immediately fell back onto his side, rolling slightly as he did so.

When he opened his eyes again, he was greeted with color.

Oh, god. So much _color_.

The trees, the grass, the sky, the clouds – just these few things in his immediate vision were so damned vibrant that they almost blinded him. He slowly pried his eyes open, squinting around and carefully taking in his surroundings. Any more of this and it'd give him a migraine.

Firstly, everything was so bright, so _surreal_ that it took him longer to adjust than he previously expected.

And secondly, everything was obviously animated.

It looked like a cross between a cartoon and a druggie's fever dream. He could clearly see a window in the tree above him as he lay on his back, staring directly at it. His beady black eyes followed the massive tree, all the way down to the door at the front, very close to him.

Finally, his eyes slowly came to a set of animated legs, as he had suspected he would find as he took in everything else. His heart still raced at the prospect, though. It was crazy, impossible; it was insane.

Animated sneakers, sticking out like little boats underneath his grimy jeans.

He wondered briefly what he looked like here.

And how he was ever going to get his rent paid.

"… Uh, hello?" he heard a petite, feminine voice stutter out. Propping himself up on his elbows, he glared around until he discovered the source of the noise. It wasn't like there was much else to surprise him. Somebody must have left a purple plushy doll sitting around near this-

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Twilight Sparkle."

"HOLY FUCK BALLS, A TALKIN' HORSE!"

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It kept talking.

Ryan sat at a miniature (for him) wooden table in the kitchen of the tree… er, house. Tree house? He sipped tenderly at a tiny china cup of black coffee, hands trembling weakly as he tenderly placed it back on the saucer with a quiet _tink!_

This purple… horse. Unicorn. Pony. _Thing._

It kept talking.

And it was _freaking him the hell out._

Ryan had almost completely drowned out the sound of its (her?) voice, staring intently at the cup, eyes repeatedly traveling back to his oddly animated hands.

_Oh, god, my hands…!_

They looked so… misshapen here. So out of place. Looking around, he felt more and more like a giant than anything else. He'd always been very tall at nearly six and a half feet, but this was ridiculous.

"-of the ramifications of such actions in the first place. Are you even listening to me?" the small violet unicorn asked, levitating a similar cup of coffee in front of her. The… _thing _had purplish and pink… hairdo? Mane? That it continually levitated out of its way. "I get the feeling you're not really listening."

_Jesus, at least _something _sounds familiar._

"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's great." He replied automatically, drinking more of the now quite cold coffee, trying to look as if he had been paying attention. It was apparent that he hadn't been, however, as his eyes kept drifting around the small room.

The pony's eye twitched with mild irritation, but it continued regardless. "Belay that, this is _fascinating._ I mean, how many other ponies can say they've studied _aliens? _I m-"

"Whoa, hold the fuck up," Ryan said, snapping out of his stupor. "I ain't bein' _studied_ for anything. First things first, I'm gonna wake up in the hospital, and then I'm gonna ask 'em to _never_ put me on whatever drugs they're using again. Comprende, amigo?" he snapped, glowering at the pony in front of him.

If the pony was afraid of him, she didn't show it. "You don't have to be huffy, Mister Alien."

"I have a name, you little shit."

She paused for a moment, her large eyes watching him diligently. "Very well, Mi-…. What is your name, if you don't mind my asking?"

Ryan paused, thinking. After a moment, he held out one of his (by comparison) enormous hands to the pony.

"Ryan. Ryan Miller."

"Ryan," she said slowly, rolling the name around to become familiarized with it. She carefully took his large hand in the two of her smaller indigo hooves and shook them slowly. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. Pleasure to meet you."

"And I'm Spike!"

"_HOLY SHIT!"_

Ryan leapt up from the small wooden table, knocking it over in his haste. A small, purple and green scaled dragon had leapt up out of nowhere onto the counter, pointing proudly at himself. The table flipped through the air, hitting Ryan in the chin as it did so. He fell swiftly to the floor, desperately struggling to get his bearings.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin'…. Fuck!" he shouted, clutching his chin in agony.

"Ah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to break it!" the tiny dragon wailed in despair.

"It's not an _it,_ it's a he! I mean, _he's_ a he! And I think it – I mean, _he_ is…" Twilight paused, lost in the confusion and noise, her horn glowing brightly for a split second. Within moments, Ryan found himself completely encased within a tight pink bubble, flailing about haphazardly as gravity was defied and he floated in the air.

Twilight sighed, relieved that the noise Ryan had been making was promptly cut off by the magical bubble.

After several long minutes of Ryan swearing silently (not to himself, though,) Twilight noticed that he'd become quiet and gently lowered the bubble to the floor before it disintegrated.

Ryan slowly and deliberately picked himself up, dusted himself off in what he hoped was a respectable manner, and pointed dangerously at Twilight. "Don't. _Ever. _Do that again." he spat venomously.

"Er… sorry. I thought…"

"You thought _what_?" Ryan asked through tensely gritted teeth.

"You were… sending out a warning signal."

He stopped for a moment, a grin spreading on his face before he snickered. "Knnnktck. What?"

"You, uh… you alien types do… do that, don't you?"

"Well, I guess, but I could'a just used a cell phone."

"A what now?"

Ryan blinked, trying desperately to calm himself. His chin was still sore as hell, and it was _definitely _going to bruise. He was doing his best to ignore the tiny dragon that was now hiding behind the upturned table. _Completely that little shit's fault…_

"A _phone,_" Ryan hissed, as if the pony; Twilight, whatever. As if Twilight were being stupid on purpose. Though after a second of contemplation, he realized that they probably never even had phones to begin with, or fingers with which to use them. He reached into his pocket to pull it out, only to feel worn paper instead. Realizing it was the photograph he grabbed before he leapt into that… hell hole, he left it in his jeans.

"Huh. Must've lost it," he said lamely. "It's something used for talkin' to people. You can take it with you, 'cause it's got a battery."

"So, a mobile communication device. Interesting."

"Yeah, it's great and all, Purple," Ryan said impatiently. "But I really gotta get goin'."

"Where, precisely?" Twilight Sparkle asked, replacing the table back in its proper position and gently lifting Spike out of the wreckage and disregarding the fact that he apparently hadn't bothered to remember her name. The tiny purple and green dragon looked positively petrified.

_Serves him right. Little fucker._

"Home." He replied flippantly, heading for the small wooden door. After a bit of a skirmish with the door, he finally managed to slip through. Thankfully, he was quite slim, which made it a little easier. Or, it would have made it a little easier, had he not run face first into the muzzle of yet another of these damnable four legged freaks.

"Ow, fuck! My face!"

Ryan heard a high pitched shriek of terror, and before he knew it, a pair of pale yellow hooves had become trapped in his long locks of greasy black shoulder length hair, jerking and yanking this way and that as the pony fought to escape.

"Ow ow ow ow ow!"

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!"_

"_Hold still, hold still!"_

"_Ow ow ow ow ow!"_

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!"_

Pale yellow hooves were pulled roughly from Ryan's hair (which he at that moment vowed to shear off the moment he got a chance) as a pink bubble encapsulated him, once again. His feet steadily drifted off the ground, and his hands hit the smooth surface of the bubble to keep his balance.

This shit was getting real old, real fast.

Outside the bubble, he could see clearly, despite the heavy shade of pink. However, his hearing was severely dulled, and he couldn't make out what the ponies standing beneath him were saying. This one, though, didn't have a horn, bearing a pair of wings instead. From the looks of it, Purple was desperately trying to calm down Yellow, who was lying flat on her back and kicking wildly, looking like she was about to hyperventilate.

Which Ryan would have found funny as hell, had his face not been severely aching.

_Why is it always the face?_

After a few minutes of what looked like heated debate (with much hoof pointing, which just looked weird,) the sturdy pink bubble slowly lowered itself and popped with a quiet _plink!_

"… 'The fuck did I say about that bubble, Purple." Ryan growled.

"Er, yes, um… Mist- I mean, _Ryan_, allow me to introduce my _good friend_, Fluttershy. Fluttershy is also a good _friend_. And a _friend_ is not-"

"I'm not retarded." Ryan muttered, flipping Twilight the bird. "I'm not gonna kill it, Jesus." After a moment, Ryan ran his hand through his greasy hair, took in a deep breath, leaned down and extended his hand.

"'Sup."

The small horse… pony… Pegasus… _thing _ stared at his large, rough and jaggedly finger nailed hand with wide eyes, until Twilight slowly dipped her head, giving some cue that everything was fine.

_Bullshit, everything's fine. Break my fuckin' face, nearly-_

"Oh, um, hello…" a tiny voice squeaked out from the pony as it tried to shake Ryan's hand with one of its tiny hooves. Fluttershy tried lifting it with the edge of her hoof, ready to dart should he move too quickly. She was shaking like a leaf in the wind just looking at him.

Ryan sighed, scratching the back of his head. Jesus. The thing reminded him of a kid he'd often visit in the Children's Hospital. Tiny Tim, they'd call the boy, mainly because of the crutches.

Not out of especial kindness, or anything. But the kid's caretaker…

She had a nice rack.

_Very_ nice.

Fluttershy's eyes widened as Ryan's grin grew to epic proportions stretching over his face like the mouth of a shark. She squeaked, and jolted away from him.

"Er… maybe… we should… go… back inside?" Spike offered helpfully, and Purple stamped one of her hooves, thinking.

"Evidently, we don't want to cause a panic, so M- I mean, Ryan, I think that'd be best for now."

Ryan grumbled unhappily, but he could see the logic in that. Then again, he could see a good portion of the town from here, meaning he must be somewhere near the center. And the _fun_ he could have, leading an entire village of animated ponies to believe that they were being besieged by an inter-dimensional monstrosity would be entertaining as hell.

"Perhaps I can find some form of cloaking spell; ooh! Or, maybe long range teleportation, then-" Purple trailed off, spouting some kind of gibberish about books as she trotted back into the tree house. The small dragon, stalked off behind her, sighing as he pulled a scroll out of… nowhere, apparently, and began to take notes.

For a few seconds, the only two left outside were Ryan and Fluttershy, staring intently at each other. The slight warm breeze and the blissful chirruping of the birds overhead made the situation seem… slightly less tense.

"Look," Ryan began, attempting to make things right between the two after an awkward silence. A single ally is worth more than a hundred soldiers, or some Confucius bullshit like that his cousin Donald used to spout. "sorry about your… face. An' all. But, uh. You know, just…"

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, trying to think of the right thing to say.

"Just… if your friend Purple puts me in a bubblegum hamster ball again, I'm gonna punch her in the face."

Fluttershy blinked, and after a moment of silence, she tilted her small head and smiled at him sweetly, using one of her hooves to beckon him forward. Guessing she had something to say, he doubled over and the tiny yellow pony innocently cupped her hooves over Ryan's ear, whispering into it like a small child eager to give a wonderful 'secret' of the obvious to a parent.

"I swear to Celestia, if you harm a single hair on her mane I will _fuck you up._"

Ryan's eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and his mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

"Fluttershy, I think I found something!"

"Co-ming!" she replied in a cheery, sing-song voice as she skipped off toward the tree house, leaving Ryan standing flabbergasted outside as a couple of the townsfolk (townsponies?) began tottering off through the town, a couple of them shooting Ryan strange glances before taking off.

Well.

He had to admit.

He did _not_ see that coming.

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	2. Chapter 2: I Don't Even Like Cereal

"Because, you don't quite seem to grasp the concept of 'nice'."

"No idea what you're talkin' about, Purple. I am a _pleasant_ mother fucker."

Ryan sat, once again, at the wooden kitchen table as he nursed his bruised chin with a bag of ice Yellow had gotten for him, which made him thoroughly suspicious that it _wasn't_ filled with scorpions. Melted water from the ice gradually began to drip onto his hand, and he wiped it on his faded green shirt. Purple paced around the kitchen nervously, continuously looking back at the tiny dragon. Spike sat on the counter, kicking his legs out of boredom. The yellow one, Fluttershy, sat across from Ryan, two front hooves propped up on the table in front of her, almost like she was getting ready for a game of poker.

And she just kept _staring_ at him.

He would've been genuinely disturbed, had he not been in a few stare downs before. Actually, one of said stare downs lead to a friend of his being stabbed in the eye.

Completely on accident, of course.

… Mostly.

In his defense, the events leading up to it had been pretty damned funny. Well, funny according to approximately one person. But that's another story.

After a few minutes of Yellow giving him the evil eye and listening to the dragon's small feet rap and tap against the counter, Ryan sighed and scratched his head. "Look, Purple-"

"Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."

"Whatever. Purple, you don't have to keep me in here. I promise not to light too many things on fire." He proclaimed conversationally. Anything to distract him from Yellow. Maybe, so long as he ignored it…

"Who said anything about fire?" Twilight asked concernedly, tilting her head. It was then that Ryan noticed that this tree house doubled as a library. Which really should have been evident, considering the massive number of books lining the wooden walls.

Also his defense, he had quite a few other things on his mind. That, and, again, he simply wasn't paying attention.

"Well, see-" he started, but was cut off by a rather loud belch from Spike.

"Hey, _I was talkin'_, ya' rude little fucker!" Ryan growled, pounding the table with his fist for emphasis. He whirled around to give the baby dragon a piece of his mind, when he realized that the fire-burping lizard was barfing up what looked like a scroll, which Twilight immediately levitated over to herself to read.

"… Ew." He turned back in his seat, awaiting this new development and_ Jesus Christ the yellow pony was still staring at him._

"So… I guess you don't need a '_You've got mail!'_… thing." Ryan's pitiful attempt at humor caused Twilight to look up briefly and blink at him before returning to her letter. She read it curiously, though her eyes widened nearing the end and she levitated a couple of golden tickets into the air with an excited '_squee'!_

"What, is Willy Wonka havin' a field day, or somethin'?"

"No," Twilight said, her horn glowing brightly as she floated the tickets right side up to show Ryan. "These are tickets from Princess Celestia, invitations to the _Grand Galloping Gala!_ It's one of the biggest events to happen this year, and the Princess herself will be there!"

Ryan could've sworn he heard Yellow's neck snap, her head turned so fast.

"The Grand Galloping Gala?" she quietly repeated. "Oh, I've always wanted to go to-"

"No, no, wait wait wait." Ryan said, holding up a hand. He then pointed accusingly at Twilight. "How. Purple, how the _fuck_ did you know those would be here?" he asked suspiciously, sitting backwards in the wooden chair, his legs going off the sides. He would've rested his chin on the back of the chair, but, well…

"Hm?" Twilight asked, looking at him. "Oh. I didn't. I was already waiting on a letter from Princess Celestia, after I informed her of your arrival. You were unconscious then."

Ryan thought for a moment, running a hand through his greasy black hair. "Huh. So, you tell your princess that an alien shows up, and she sends you party invitations. Makes perfect fuckin' sense." His first thought was that it was just cartoon logic, but something about the whole thing just seemed amiss.

"I _said_," Fluttershy restated slowly, "I've _always_ wanted to _go_ to the _Grand Gallopi_-"

"You should totally go to that party!" Ryan cut her off loudly. "And take me with you!"

"What." Purple said bluntly, deadpanning.

If looks could kill, Ryan would have been six feet under by now. He could almost feel the heat waves coming off of Yellow.

"No, seriously! I mean, think about it." Ryan said, accentuating with his hands. "You tell the princess that an alien shows up. She sends you two – _two_ tickets to this shindig. Evidently, she's planning on having you unveiling the arrival of an alien! Just _think _about how important you'll be!"

Ryan was pulling all of this out of his ass, although Purple didn't seem to be catching on. Even better, Yellow's eyes were nearly bugging out of her head, and one of her eyes were twitching furiously. It was clear she was trying to restrain herself.

And it brought no end of joy to Ryan watching her struggle with it.

Again, in his defense, it was pretty damned funny.

"You do make a pretty good point," Twilight agreed with him.

"Damn straight," Ryan said, reclining in the wooden chair and propping his feet up on the table. The table sagged under the weight, and his dirty and worn shoes dropped with a _clunk_ directly in front of Fluttershy. Although he could no longer see her face, he was almost positive that she was on the verge of snapping.

And the filthy, oversized shoes directly in front of her muzzle weren't going to help. His grin widened.

"So, when do we blow this popsicle stand?" Ryan asked, pretending to check the time on an invisible watch on his wrist.

"The Gala won't be for quite a while longer, so we have some time to kill before then. I suppose I could practice your introductions with some of my friends, if you'd like to meet them." she said, thinking.

Ryan twirled his hand around, resting it on his chest in what he hoped was a very fancy manner. "Madam, I would be supremely fuckin' honored to meet your many midget acquaintances."

"Okay, then!" Twilight said, excited. "Let me just grab a few things, and we can go see Applejack. Come along, Spike!" and with that, she trotted off, rambling to herself about some kind of… bucking season, from the sound of it. He quickly tuned her out, shrugging. Applejack sounded like some kind of cereal. His stomach growled at the prospect.

Then again, he'd never had any good experiences with cereal. For the most part, they all tasted like sugar-coated chunks of cardboard. Come to think of it, he hated cereal. He wasn't even certain that this new pony had anything to do with it, but he made sure that he wouldn't like _him_ either. Or her. Hell, it was probably a her.

Slowly spreading his feet apart, he gazed down the table at Yellow to see if any changes had occurred.

His shark-like grin only widened into a beaming smile when he discovered that she was _positively livid._

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"Before phase _seventeen_ of the plan. But don't move until then, okay?" Twilight instructed Ryan, who sat crouched in the large and leafy bush.

"Gotcha." He said for the umpteenth time, giving her a thumbs up. She stared at it for a moment, confused, before shaking her head. Spike clung to her mane with his tiny claws, trying not to fall off her back.

"Okay, but _not_ before then. We don't need to go causing any kind of panic, so remember to come out slowly _only _on my signal, okay?"

"_Gotcha, _Pur- uh, Twilight." Ryan said, doing his best to sound convincing. He crouched even lower, and gave her his most winning smile. Unfortunately, this only served to make him look like a very fleshy pink velociraptor, and Twilight nervously took off at a brisk trot toward the farmhouse that they'd stopped at. A single orange pony could be seen pulling what looked like a very heavy plow along a fence line, gradually tilling up the ground. Twilight zoned in on it, and began chatting animatedly, although Ryan couldn't hear what they were saying.

Which wouldn't really be a problem, considering he was about to fuck things up for everybody anyway.

He allowed himself a wide predatory grin, before he quietly slipped out of the bushes and began creeping up on the ponies.

Fuck diplomacy.

His heart beating loudly, Ryan did his best to tiptoe over the grass, desperately trying not to step on any branches or twigs, mainly moving when he saw the pair talking. As he crept closer, he noticed what looked like a picture of apples on the pony's flank. He supposed the markings must have something to do with their names, as both Purple and Yellow had markings as well. He pushed it out of his mind as he stealthily drew closer, trying to make himself as shadow-like as possible.

_I am invisible._

_I am a ghost._

"So, I hope you won't be too surprised when-"

"Aw, shucks, y'all aren't tryin' to weasel yer way outta hard work, are ya'?" the orange one asked suspiciously, giving Twilight a sly grin.

"Wha- no, no, not at all! What I'm trying to say, is-"

Ryan ignored them, sneaking up even closer. He was almost directly behind the orange one now, and his heart was beating so loudly he could feel it in his throat. This was going to be so completely worth it.

_I am a shadow. I am… that one guy from Assassin's Creed. I am mother fuckin' Batman._

"I am the night, mother fucker!" Or, rather, that is what Ryan _wanted_ to have shouted as he leapt up behind the rather surprised orange pony. Instead, all he managed to blurt out was a weak "Blargleflargle!"

Being kicked directly in the testicles makes speaking a little difficult.

"HOLY HORSE FEATHERS, WHAT IS THAT?!"

Ryan barely had time to blink (or breathe, for that matter) before Orange quickly followed up with yet another powerful kick. This time, directly to the face.

Christ, why is it always the face?

A hoof blocking his field of vision was all he managed to see before he blacked out.

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"_Look, I said I'm sorry about the money. But I just don't have it right n- oof!" Ryan strained to stand up, and Carlos kicked him in the side again. Bruises covered most of Ryan's body by this point, and he was pretty sure he had a cracked rib. A steel toed boot came crashing into his stomach once more, and Ryan tried to roll with the kick, but only wound up lying against a curb._

_The cold night air didn't help much to assuage the fire in his left leg; although he could still move it, which was a good sign._

"_Bullshit." Carlos stated calmly, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked relaxed, like he almost always did. Cool, collected. Regardless of the fact that he was beating the living hell out of someone. "I tried bein' nice. I tried, real hard." Carlos kicked him again, and this time Ryan definitely heard a crack. He groaned in pain, struggling to get to away, but the worn black steel toed boot slammed down on his left leg once again, keeping him from escaping._

"_But you don't just take that much money and then fuckin' walk away."_

"_This- isn't personal, is it?" Ryan wheezed, desperate for air._

_Carlos deadpanned, pointing to the shiny new black eye patch he was sporting._

"_Oh."_

"_Yeah. Oh." he said brusquely._

_Carlos kicked him again._

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	3. Ch3: Sleeping Beauty Has Brain Damage

Chaos.

A whirling dervish of color and madness, like a rainbow in a blender. An enormous cacophony of noise greeted him, although it sounded a little dulled. This time, though, Ryan was prepared.

Well. As prepared as you _can _be when reality rips itself apart. At least he retained some measure of consciousness. Strangely enough, he couldn't seem to feel his body at all. He was massive, infinitesimal. Everywhere and nowhere. There was simply too much information for him to handle all at once; so, he was here. A tiny, insignificant portion of a fleck of a shadow, bobbing slowly within a veritable sea of mayhem.

_Uh… hello_?

**_"Well, now."_** A voice chuckled out from somewhere within the maelstrom. "_**That's**_**_interesting. And to think, here I believed you'd gone completely deaf."_** It echoed out from everywhere, and nowhere. Oddly enough, the voice sounded… vaguely bored.

_… 'the fuck._

**_"Oh, I'm afraid that simply won't do."_**

Considering his track record so far, Ryan really shouldn't have been as surprised as he was when the world swiftly went dark and quiet once again.

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"…. –efore y'all go pullin' a surprise like that on me! You ought ta know better!"

"That was what I was _trying _to tell you!"

Ryan quickly sat up, and immediately regretted his decision. "Aw, _fuck_. My… head…" he croaked, clasping gently at his aching cranium. As he cracked one eye open, he blearily noticed that Orange had flinched back away from him, but quietly trotted back over to the bed he was lying on. Actually, now that he looked more closely, he could see that he was lying on several beds of different shapes and sizes, all pushed together. The hay stuffing in them was a little scratchy through the linen, but wasn't too distracting.

And it wasn't _nearly _as painful as the concussion he was currently dealing with. That, and he couldn't see out of one eye, which was a little disconcerting.

"Christ…" Ryan groaned, placing his palms over his open eye to protect it from the light. "What happened _this _time?"

"Applejack… sort of… kicked you." Twilight stated lamely, and Orange nodded sheepishly.

"Ah'm real sorry 'bout that, sugar cube. We did our best 'ta patch ya up, though."

It was after a moment of gingerly feeling his head with his fingertips that he discovered that what felt like several woolen bandages had been carefully wrapped around his head, neatly covering one of his eyes. Just brushing his fingertip over it brought him a good deal of pain, Twilight took notice when he breathed in sharply.

"This is _precisely _why I said to wait for my signal," Twilight berated him, although she still looked… guilty? Ryan guessed that she must have felt at least partially responsible. Which could be why he was wrapped in bandages instead of kicked into a mushy paste.

And, after a brief moment of hidden gratitude toward the violet pony, that same glaring burst of resentful rage came flaring right back up again.

"How is it _my _fault if I can't follow directions?" he asked stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest.

"… It is _completely _your fault if you're incapable of following directions." Purple said slowly, as if pointing out something incredibly stupid. Which, really, she was. But it wasn't like Ryan was just going to give in without a fight.

"Yeah, well… I probably have brain damage now. Maybe I'm retarded."

"I'm… sorry?"

"You should be."

Twilight shook her head, giving him a confused look. "No, I meant I don't know the meaning of that word." She confessed.

Orange took her opportunity to speak, holding up a hoof. "Ah think he means a bit like Derpy, hon."

Ryan blinked, swinging his legs out of the bed. Couldn't stay there all day, after all. Sunlight (that was far too bright,) shone in cheerily from the window, and glancing out it, Ryan could see that he was either on the second or third floor of the farmhouse. Meaning that these two had probably carried him all the way up here, and then went through the trouble of putting all the beds together, _and _bandaging him up.

Such kindness was completely unforgivable.

"Whoa, easy there, sugar cube!" Applejack stopped him, pushing back on his chest with one of her hooves. "Yer in no condition ta go walkin' around like that," she said, trying to ease him back into lying down.

"Yeah, and who's fuckin' fault is that?" Ryan spat accusingly, cracking his knuckles. He practically towered over her, his head brushing the ceiling. These ponies were like dwarves compared to him. Then again, most people he met were much shorter than him.

Apparently, this particular pony had a few qualms about hurting others, which Ryan was all too willing to manipulate. Applejack's head dipped a little in remorse, and she opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. "Look here, now, sugar cube, ah didn't mean ta hurt ya an' all, but-"

"But, but, but…!" Ryan mocked her in a high pitched, nasally voice, flapping one of his hands like he would a sock puppet. "Bullshit."

"Look, she said she was sorry. There's no reason to be a bully about it!" Twilight butted in. "Do you really have to make this personal?"

Ryan deadpanned, pointing to the slightly bloody bunch of new bandages covering his eye.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

He stood once again, slightly less woozy than he was before. This animated perception really was difficult to get used to. "Now, if you two ass-hats don't mind, I'm gonna-"

"Hey, whook, it's awake. I bwought appwe waffwes, guwfs!" Spike said through a full mouth, rounding the corner. In his… hands? Claws? Whatever. In his hands, he held a rather large wooden platter, complete with multiple glass plates.

All of which were empty, save for a few crumbs. As a matter of fact, most of the crumbs were still clinging to Spike's face. He chewed with a bit of difficulty, and swallowed hard. Spike gave a guilty grin, rubbing the back of his tiny head with his free arm. Which was a real shame, as Ryan's stomach growled loudly at the prospect of finally getting food.

"Uh… weird. Those were… here a second… ago? Uh, heh heh."

"… Go downstairs and eat some waffles." Ryan finished grumpily, nudging the dragon rudely out of his way with his kneecap. He stomped off loudly in the direction of what he hoped was the kitchen, each step resounding through the farm house with a loud_ flump. flump. flump_. from his combined stomping and slightly oversized, worn sneakers. Spike left the wooden tray in the floor, quickly pattering after Ryan in the hopes of getting more free food.

After a couple of moments of relative silence between both Applejack and Twilight, the farm pony finally spoke again.

"So… can't help but notice ya'll brought a couple of tickets."

Twilight blinked absentmindedly. "Hm? Oh, yes!" she said, excited to draw the attention away from the horribly uncomfortable scene the gigantic hairless monkey had left them with. "About the Grand Galloping Gala, you see-"

_Crash_!

"WHAT IN THE HAY_ IS THAT THING_?!"

"Git 'im, Granny Smith!"

_Crash_!

Twilight sighed before starting downstairs, tucking the tickets back into the saddlebags she'd brought. Applejack eyed them with a grin, and winked to her friend conspiratorially.

"…I don't have a ticket for you."

"Aw, now what the _buck_?"

_Crash_!

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Ryan sat at the large table, unceremoniously stuffing bites of waffle after apple-syrup laden waffle into his mouth. He neither spoke or moved, and rarely blinked. Instead, he affixed his gaze with a cold stare down at the end of the table, where a faded green and elderly pony sat at the other end, who stared right back.

_Why do they always stare_?

Many shattered plates lay scattered in a waste bin, after they had been picked up. Twilight had helpfully offered to use her handy skill of telekinesis to make the job go faster, in part because Ryan refused to lift a finger to help.

He jabbed the fork back into the slightly dry waffles savagely, viciously biting into them and scarfing them down as quickly as he could. After a few more minutes of the Apple family observing him quietly, he eventually laid down the fork, politely wiped his mouth with a nearby napkin (which had a very nice apple inlay on the cloth), and spoke as clearly as he could.

"Okay. 'The _fuck _are you looking at."

"Young un', you shore got an outhouse mouth on you." the elderly lime green pony at the end of the table said coldly.

Perhaps making his first introduction to her 'Hey, you ugly fuckin' bag of wrinkles. Where's _my _waffles?' wasn't such a great plan.

"And you sound like you have background banjos followin' you everywhere you go," Ryan replied offhandedly. "Yeah, this place feels _Deliverance _enough."

Granny Smith might not have known exactly what he was talking about, but she was wise enough to know when someone was just being rude. "You know, sonny, sometimes a 'thank you' is much appreciated."

"And you're very fuckin' welcome." Ryan said, kicking his feet up on the table. He'd removed a couple of the bandages in order to more easily maneuver his jaw, and edges of the rather large bruise could be seen creeping from the corners.

Unfortunately, Ryan was doing what he usually did. Pushing as many buttons as he could to see just how long he could get away with it. The tiniest pony of the bunch, a small pale white filly with a red mane, continuously tiptoed around Ryan, staring at him.

"… 'The fuck do you want."

"Hay, there! Ah'm Applebloom!"

Ryan blinked, resting his arms behind his head. "Oh. 'Sup. Got any more waffles?"

"So…" Twilight began loudly, hoping to avoid another catastrophic scene with Ryan indecently cramming more things into his face hole. "Lots of other things to do today… Like… um…" she stuttered nervously, thinking of a way to get Ryan out of the Apple family's house without causing too much trouble. Ryan could tell, too.

_Heh. Good luck with that._

"Like… oh! Rarity has, uh…"

"Dresses she needs help with?" Applejack offered.

"Yes! Absolutely!" Twilight agreed, nodding her head in agreement.

"That Princess Celestia's plannin' on seein' at the Gala?" Applejack continued.

"Positively!" Twilight chirped, slowly pulling on Ryan's sleeve with her two front hooves.

"And somepony's gotta make sure everypony looks great at the Gala while they're enjoyin' fresh apple fritters!"

"Indubitably! Wait."

Twilight deadpanned, staring at Applejack, who gave her a grin.

"… I only have two tickets, and I'm taking my project."

"Aw, come on, darlin'!"

Twilight jerked on Ryan's sleeve once again, and he steadily rose to his feet. "Hang on, project?" he protested, shaking the violet pony off. Thinking back to what he'd said, he'd probably made quite a few mistakes. However, brashly saying whatever worked in order to inconvenience someone (somepony?) else happened to be one of his favorite hobbies, regardless of the problems it brought him later.

"Aren'tcha gonna stay fer brunch?" Applebloom asked sadly, dropping down on her haunches and giving them her best miserable puppy dog impersonation.

"… Fuck no. There's no steak." Ryan said, flipping the filly off.

"Yes, you're absolutely right!" Twilight said quickly. "We really should see Rarity about that, let's go!"

Ryan, sensing her motives for hurrying, crossed his arms stood his ground for as long as possible. It really was difficult disappointing two ponies at once. Can't say he wasn't trying, though.

...

"...What, and miss brunch?"

_Crash_.

Yet another plate came flying out of nowhere, and Ryan then realized that the wrinkly old pony could move one _hell _of a lot faster than he gave her credit for.

"Oh, hey, whaddya know, let's go find out about that steak." Ryan sputtered as he dashed out the door after Twilight. Or, he would have dashed out the door, had it been made for humans. Instead, he shoved open the top portion of the door, which split horizontally in half. He wound up toppling through it, face hitting a wooden porch hard as yet another white glass plate came flying overhead.

As he lumbered off as swiftly as he could in Twilight's direction, he got the strangest feeling that he wasn't welcome at all with the Apple family.

And he couldn't possibly fathom why.

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**Author's Note:**

Thanks for all the likes and comments!

I SHALL WRITE MOAR.


	4. Ch4: The Emperor's New Trauma

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It was a royal pain in the ass, catching up to Twilight Sparkle. Especially considering the fact that she had an extra pair of legs. The strange pair of pony and dragon had a pretty decent lead on him, though it didn't take him too long to catch up.

Ryan huffed and puffed, eventually slowing his mad sprinting to a quick jog beside the considerably upset unicorn. Spike bounced along unhappily on her back, clinging desperately to her mane.

"And besides that, I'm still hungry!" the dragon complained, gesturing to his stomach.

"Didn't you just eat an entire tray of waffles by yourself?" Twilight asked, agitated. Hey, so long as her attention wasn't focused on him.

"Seriously, where the fuck does he put those things?" Ryan said breathlessly. Whoops. He regretted speaking, as Twilight's head snapped around and she gave him an infuriated glare.

"… What?"

"Don't you _what_ me, mister!" she scolded angrily. "Do you have _any_ idea of the complications you've caused due to your little 'stunt' back there? Applejack is never going to forgive me for letting you into her home!"

"Hey, it ain't my fault their waffles taste like ass. If they weren't so bad, I probably wouldn't have had any time for talkin'. Christ, what'd they make 'em with, dirt and grass?"

"Hay, actually." Spike spoke up supportively.

Ryan jogged next to Twilight, shaking his head. That would probably explain why he felt like his stomach was rebelling against him so violently. People just weren't meant to eat hay. "Bleauck." He needed meat, dammit.

After a couple of minutes of relative uncomfortable silence, Ryan asked "So… this, uh, rare guy. He's really got steak?"

Twilight sighed, and shook her head. "Her _name_ is Rarity. And just so you know, the only reason I'm going to introduce you to her is to make sure that you _don't_ make the same mistakes you just did."

If that were the case, then wouldn't it make more sense to avoid introducing him to anyone else?

"Hey, fuck you, Purple. I'm not gonna be trained like some puppy."

"We'll see."

Of all the things she could have said, that one happened to feel the most ominous. Almost as if she knew something that he didn't. It left a nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Come to think of it, maybe that was the hay waffles.

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It took them nearly half an hour of straight silent jogging to reach the outskirts of Ponyville. Twilight seemed to be handling the pace they kept fairly well, but Ryan looked pretty worn out. Sweat was pouring down his forehead, and the midday sun didn't do anything to help. He was gasping for breath by the time they stopped, and he was all to glad when Twilight put up a hoof in front of him to keep him from going any further.

"Okay, here's the plan. No sneaking around this time, okay?"

How the _hell_ she managed to say that as calmly as she did, as though she'd barely put any effort into the travel, Ryan didn't know. It was his best guess that she was probably in better shape than him. That, and having extra legs helps.

Either that, or it was because of some freaky unicorn magic.

Ryan was really starting to dislike unicorns.

She motioned for him to follow, and he did so as best he could. His legs felt like Jell-O by this point, and moving more slowly was definitely welcome. It would at least give him time to catch his breath and get a look around.

And, from looking around at the number of ponies gathered in one place, cause a little mayhem while he was at it.

If anything, Twilight had definitely learned _something_ from Ryan's antics. She was quick, he'd give her that much.

"Oh, ho ho ho. _No_. Don't even _think_ about it."

"What?" Ryan blurted defensively.

"We're already getting strange enough looks as it is. We don't need you causing a ruckus. Besides, we're almost there."

And, indeed, the strange trio certainly were getting quite a few odd looks. One burly pony, selling cherries from a stand, gaped at him for several moments before swiftly packing his things and closing up shop. Most of the other ponies around the town did the same, although there were a number of ponies that paid them next to no mind at all. Perhaps because of Twilight Sparkle's influence, Ryan thought.

After all, she _did_ seem to be rather well known. Most of the ponies they passed were all too eager to greet Twilight with a very warm smile, though they quickly backed off (or, in some cases, left immediately) when they saw Ryan.

Christ, he hadn't had anyone reacting to him in fear this much since the Sharks.

Twilight, he could see, was already a little distressed over the fact that Ryan didn't even have to do anything other than follow her to cause quite a bit of chaos through town, which made him grin.

"Turns out, your little plan didn't work after all. Shame, that." Ryan said disdainfully. His words were practically dripping in sarcasm.

"Oh, really? Care to elaborate?" Twilight said conversationally, trotting at an even pace toward what looked like a multistory building in the shape of a carousel. It was mainly white, from what he could tell, although it was loaded down with all sorts of oversized decorations.

Huh. Ponies on a carousel. Heh heh heh heh.

She really seemed far to upbeat for someone (somepony?) who's plan just got foiled. Even if it was by inaction. "I, uh.." Ryan stuttered. "The locals…"

"Aren't nearly in as much panic as they were when my friends and I dealt with Nightmare Moon."

It took Ryan a split second before it clicked. _Son of a bitch._

He had been too busy taking in all the sights, looking around at this new world to have bothered actually tormenting any of the locals, as he'd been planning on doing. Hell, he hadn't even shot them any dirty glances. Twilight hadn't bothered keeping him hidden, because _she didn't have to_.

Apparently, Purple had some kind of history with the locals, which they seemed to be all too thankful for. Which could explain why some of the ponies didn't close up shop when they saw Ryan walking with her.

That, and the next time he went through town, word probably would've gotten around pretty quickly that the giant hairless monkey was with Twilight fuckin' Sparkle. Meaning his (much looked forward to) base of fear was steadily dwindling. He clenched his fists angrily, swinging them by his sides. Ryan was determined not to let Twilight see just how frustrated he was at being bamboozled.

And, of course, the smug little smile on her face dashed his hopes of that.

Ryan was really starting to hate unicorns.

Hell, even though the yellow Pegasus had made threats on his life, she hadn't actually done anything to him. He'd even come out on top in the end. Or, so he thought.

Feet away from the door to the _way_ too girly building, with a handy little sign labeled '_Carousel Boutique'_, a familiar voice floated down from overhead.

"Oh, hello there, Twilight!"

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

…

She. Whatever.

"Hmm?" Purple gazed up, confused. "Oh, hello again, Fluttershy. What are you doing here?"

"Why, I'm just checking up on my _best_ friend, is all!" she said quietly, fluttering down next to Twilight. "After all, with such us being such _good friends_, I would be simply heartbroken to find out that something bad had happened to you, all because of some big, pink, hairless, _stupid gorilla._"

Oh, yeah. It was time to suffer for that.

Apparently, Purple didn't catch on to the venomous tone at the end. "Oh, well then. You don't have to worry about me, Fluttershy, I can-"

"Oh, but I _insist_ you sit down! You must be _so_ exhausted, running around all day. Here, let me get a chair for you!" For somepony with such hushed words, she certainly seemed forceful about it. Much to Ryan's surprise, the little yellow Pegasus heaved a couch out from behind a bush, shoving it with her head over to Twilight.

"Really, Fluttershy, you don't- where did you get that couch?"

"Rarity – hnng – has them, stashed you – hhnk – see, all over. In case she has dramatic spells, you see?" Fluttershy huffed, presenting the couch to her friend.

Twilight deadpanned, finally understanding her reasoning.

"… I'm still not giving you the ticket."

Fluttershy's eye twitched, and for a brief moment, Ryan thought she was going to snap this time. Now, _that_ would've been funny. He considered needling her to help things along, but decided to stay out of this one.

It takes less effort to watch someone dig their own grave than it does to pick up another shovel, after all.

"Really, now, Twilight!" Yellow reprimanded gently. "I only want to ensure that my _good friend_ has plenty of rest b-" Fluttershy was promptly cut off as the door to Carousel Boutique flung open, knocking her back. It hit her in the face with a dull _bunk!_ sound, and she squeaked in surprise.

"Oh, my goodness! Fluttershy, I didn't see you there, darling, are you quite alr- WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS _THAT!?"_

Yeah, he really should be getting used to that by now.

Twilight sighed heavily, pulling a bright pink bubble around Ryan, and he felt the (unfortunately familiar) weightlessness of being levitated. He swore he was going to figure out how to pop those, eventually. And he was going to pop the _hell_ out of them. Regardless of whether or not they could hear him, Ryan had been on the verge of giving Purple a piece of his mind – hell, maybe his foot while he was at it – when he discovered a very large and colorful display of tape measures, fabric, pins, needles, and scissors flying directly at his head with a low blue glow around them.

Each of the items bounced of the protective shield, either dropping harmlessly to the ground or ricocheting at high speeds around him.

Well.

… It slowly occurred to Ryan that Purple had probably just saved his life.

The deplorable acts of kindness continue.

And, just to top things off, the one he supposed was Rarity had a glowing horn, too. Yay, more freakin' magic.

Ryan was positive he now hated unicorns.

This particular unicorn had an indigo hairdo… mane. Whatever. And matching tail, to boot. Three diamond markings could be seen on one side of her flank, although when she turned, he found that the same markings appeared on both sides. Huh. That was the kind of thing he really should have noticed before, because it applied to Yellow and Purple as well. He could see Purple and Yellow explaining the situation to Whitey, although Yellow kept throwing him several nasty glares when the others weren't looking.

Ryan politely showed her the universal symbol for, 'Please fuck off'.

Turns out, even without fingers, she got the message.

As the pink bubble slowly lowered and disintegrated, he made a show of dusting himself off more collectively calm than he actually felt. "So," he shot a snarky remark at Fluttershy. "you really should get that twitch looked at. Can't be good for you."

Fluttershy stuttered, cowering behind her friends.

"I… I have no idea what you're talking about…" she mumbled, cringing behind them even further. If he hadn't known what she was actually like, her little display might have actually fooled him into thinking that she was uncertain of herself or something. That had been her one major mistake, really; the initial threat was all it took to shatter any illusions she may have projected.

"I.. see." Rarity said to Twilight, giving the human a once-over glance. "Well, I can certainly see why Celestia might want him there, but… in such a horrid state? Oh, tsk tsk tsk. Something simply _must _be done. Come along, darling!" Whitey called to him, trotting inside.

Huh. This pony had gotten over her xenophobia pretty quickly. It made Ryan wonder exactly what Purple had said to her. He reluctantly stomped inside in front of Twilight and Fluttershy, although glad to be in the shade, he stopped to breath in deeply.

He immediately regretted it upon discovering the smell of burning… cereal.

"Well, we won't be trying that again, will we Sweetie Belle – what the…?"

A pair of ponies stood in the kitchen, one much older than the other. Gauging from the size of the smaller one, he'd say it was probably a filly. This one had a light pink and purple mane, flowing down around the small unicorn horn. Why were there so damned many unicorns?

The larger one, probably her mother, gaped at him as the strode into Carousel Boutique. Well, more like crouched and shuffled his way inside, but you get the picture.

"Uh… 'sup. I'm followin' Whitey." He said, pointing in the direction Rarity had gone, which was upstairs. The two stared at him blankly, as if they couldn't believe what they were seeing.

They were probably in awe of his charm and silver tongue.

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"No, no, no! This won't do at _all_!"

Rarity seemed thoroughly distressed, although not for the reasons Ryan might have hoped.

She continuously poked and prodded him, running tape measure after tape measure along his every limb multiple times, checking and re-checking her calculations.

Apparently, Twilight Sparkle's idea of teaching him to get along with someone (somepony) else was to lock them in a room together.

This did not seem like a good idea.

"You'll be fine, so long as you behave yourself," she had said, latching the door behind him. Fluttershy stood behind Twilight, glaring at him. And, considering the fact that Whitey had nearly murdered him with a bunch of sewing crap, chances were that Twilight was right. He didn't like his odds of escape with a creature that had telekinesis on its side.

Rarity had him standing on a small stepstool in the center of the room, continuously placing piece after piece of fabric against him, pulling up a new one and throwing away the other. He supposed it helped to calm her down, being drawn into her work. You know, instead of focusing on the fact that a hairless alien was staring her in the face. The pony grumbled quite a bit, and moaned loudly as if she were in pain every time she came across a stain or rip.

According to Twilight, the only way he was leaving this room was when Rarity confirmed that they were, indeed, getting along splendidly.

That, or he could just throw the damned pony out the window and climb down through the hole.

"So… uh… you… get out a lot?" Ryan asked conversationally, and the unicorn used her magic to gently push his arms up until they stuck straight out. He looked like a retarded mummy who forgot bandages.

Oh, wait. He did have bandages.

"Absolutely, darling," Whitey said distractedly, running another tape measure down his leg. "I run a tidy little business here, you see."

"Ah, yeah. Fashion crap. I got a friend who does that. Gayer than a pink cupcake, too, so no real surprise there."

"No, I don't think I have anything with cupcakes," Rarity said, eyes running over the fabrics. He was beginning to get the feeling she wasn't really paying attention to him. And it was annoying as hell.

He'd sort of gotten used to receiving large amounts of people's… uh, _ponies'_ attention during his short stay. This one was starting to throw off the status quo. She 'tsk'ed again at the sight of his faded jeans, running a hoof over his left leg. She wound her way up from his heel, slowly feeling up to just above his kneecap. Her hoof bumped over it, and he hissed lightly.

Rarity cocked an eyebrow at that, but continued. "Problem, dear?"

"Just fuckin' peachy," he replied through gritted teeth. Just thinking about that particular spot on his leg brought back some nasty memories, all of which he rather not go through right now.

"Very well. This material isn't very _pliable_, you know," she said slowly, thinking. "Ugh. And so _filthy! _ You realize, dear, that this simply must be burned. Preferably as soon as possible. Sweet Celestia, how anypony could allow such a grimy abomination to see the light of day is _far_ beyond me."

"Hey, fuck you, horse. Nobody talks down to you about _your_ pants."

"I'm not _wearing_ pants, darling."

Ryan blinked, and snickered at that. True, the ponies here were technically all naked. He made certain to bring that up again with Twilight the next time he wanted to cause her trouble. Rarity coughed, gesturing to him with an open hoof.

"… What?"

"The clothes, dear. I'm simply unable to get decent measurements for new ones while you're wearing those." She cried.

Oh.

_Aw, hell no._

"Aw, hell no."

Well, he spoke his mind, at least.

"Now, darling, let's just get this over with as quickly as possible. You're coated in mud, filth, and… is that _blood_, as well?" she asked, gently running a hoof over his shirt. "What _have_ those brutes put you through, you poor thing?" she wailed, and with the noise she'd been making, Ryan was pretty certain that at any moment Twilight was going to burst in the door, accusing him of stabbing a pony or something. Which actually sounded like something he'd do.

"They, uh… gave me waffles."

Rarity snorted loudly, helping him to remove his shirt without brushing the bandages on his head too badly. "I see," she grumbled, deftly placing his shirt onto a work bench beside her as she resumed measurements. "Made of what, hammers and nails?"

"Actually, I think they're made with hay."

Rarity smiled at that, and she gingerly took a measurement from his armpit to his fingertip, back around up the arm to his neck, and around to his back.

It would appear that Rarity really had no ideas about human anatomy.

"Darling, have you branded yourself?"

"Huh?" he asked, turning suddenly.

Rarity held up a couple of mirrors telekinetically, showing him his back. Of course, he already knew about that.

On his back was the black outline of the maw of a shark, wide open. The teeth were very long and sharp, jutting down in black ink. It covered nearly his entire back, going from shoulder to shoulder, all the way down to his hips. Of course he knew about it. He just didn't want to think about it.

It was the mandatory initiation motif of the Sharks.

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"_I, uh… I just need a little more for now." Ryan sputtered nervously, desperately trying to keep his act together. It wouldn't do to fall apart now, after all that work he'd gone through._

"_Nah, it's all good, man." Carlos said with a hearty chuckle, shaking his hand energetically. When he pulled away, he found a fair sized roll of bills, wrapped in a rubber band tucked in his hand. "I know you'll pay it back. You're good for it this time. I know you'll pay it back – no interest this time. It's on me."_

_Ryan was sweating in fear, though he did his absolute best not to show it. Carlos, his long time friend._

_Now the leader of the infamous Sharks._

_The goddamn _leader.

_It was amazing, how quickly Carlos had taken charge. More amazing, really, was how well he kept the gang together. For a crime boss, that sort of talent was invaluable. And Carlos had it in spades. After the old boss, Victor, had 'mysteriously' bitten the dust, Carlos stepped up first and took charge like he was a natural. As a matter of fact, things were even better than they were with Victor in charge. Or, at least, there was a lot more money coming in, and a hell of a lot more obedience._

"_Of… of course I'll pay you back, Carlos. You know me. Good ol', reliable me." Ryan choked, and it felt like a golf ball was lodged in his throat. He wasn't certain if that was the guilt getting to him, or the fear of what was going to happen to him if anything went wrong._

_But he couldn't let himself think like that. Nothing would go wrong._

_His twin cousins needed the money, and badly – especially after how they'd been practically orphaned not too long ago. They needed all the help they could get._

_Nothing would go wrong. That is, unless somebody actually caught up to him. And that wasn't going to happen. Carlos's own mother was helping him arrange for the trip._

_Nothing would go wrong._

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"Darling? You're looking a tad bit green around the gills, and – oh, do you even have gills? I hadn't bothered to check for those…"

"Huh?" Ryan said, shaking his head to rid himself of the memory. No use digging open old wounds. "Nah, I'm good." he said. He hadn't realized just how much that particular memory had shaken him. His palms were sweating, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He doubted the hay waffles had too much to do with it, this time.

"Oh, very well then." She said unsatisfactorily. "Continue."

Ryan blinked, and stared at her. "… What?"

"Continue, darling."

"Continue what?"

The unicorn gestured with her head at the rest of his clothes, and he glared at her angrily. "Aw, _fuck_ no."

"Dear, must we _really_ go through this with every article of clothing? How many do you… things, even need, anyway?"

"Humans. And as many as we _damned well please,_" he breathed aggressively, crossing his arms across his bare chest. He hadn't noticed before just how drafty it was in this room. Then again, with as much as he had been sweating before, that was really a nice change of pace.

Whitey sighed, the floating measuring tapes drooping. For a moment, Ryan thought he had won.

Then, a split second later, he felt a jerk and heard a rather loud _rip!_

Ryan fucking _hated_ unicorns.

"Oh, _come on!_" he shouted, doing his best to cover his… manly bits with his hands.

"Yes, yes, darling, I know, it's just _so_ atrocious walking around without pants," Rarity said sarcastically, using her telekinesis to levitate more measuring tapes around him. She quickly jotted down some numbers on a clipboard floating in front of him, and smiled to herself.

"Hm. I thought I'd find your cutie mark somewhere. Although, I must admit, I've never seen any cutie mark that was a name before. Are you particularly good at doing… _Juanita_, is it?"

"Yeah, about five or six times," Ryan groaned aloud. "Now, I don't go asking embarrassing questions about _your_ ass tattoos. All I ask is that you do the same."

Rarity gave him a confused look, and after she had finished with her measurements (which he was pretty certain by this point was just an excuse to get a look at his rear,) she said "Oh, cutie marks aren't _tattoos,_ dear. Nothing so droll and mundane. A pony receives their cutie mark once they discover their special talent." She levitated a couple of feet of cloth from a large spool nearby, and immediately set to work on Ryan's new clothes.

"Explain." He said grumpily, failing rather spectacularly at covering himself with his hands. He searched around for the tattered remains of his pants, but all he could find was his shirt, which he rapidly wrapped around his waist. Anything to distract him from the awkward fact that he and his pants were now uncomfortably separated. And that oh-so-appreciated draft didn't feel quite so friendly anymore.

"Well, dear," she said as she snipped at cut at the fabric, deftly sewing and working the collection of fabric into a wearable piece. "You see, a cutie mark is something that displays something about a pony. For example, mine is diamonds."

"So, you dig for rocks?"

"Oh, heavens, no," she giggled, but promptly stopped at the seemingly horrifying prospect of dirt. "I just design clothing, dear. Also, I'm apparently the holder of the Element of Generosity."

"Uh… huh."

"Ask Twilight about it, darli- ah!" she shrieked, placing her hoof in her mouth. Ryan jumped, until he realized that she'd accidentally stuck herself with the sewing needle.

"You, uh… okay over there?"

"Phfwine, dawwyng." She said, muffled. Ryan sighed, and stepped off the small stepstool to make his way toward the unicorn. "Here. Lemme see."

He gently took her hoof in his palm, inspecting it carefully. Indeed, she'd pricked herself fairly deeply; it was still bleeding, though there wasn't too much of it. He sighed, and grabbed a scrap of the fabric and began wrapping it around her hoof as a makeshift bandage.

"That's really not necessary, dear," Rarity began, but Ryan cut her off.

"Bullshit, now just hold still. You can't fix any clothes if you're busy bleeding everywhere, right?" he finished up the makeshift bandage, using a safety pin to keep it together. The light brown fabric he'd grabbed looked almost like a little shoe on her. Almost.

Rarity looked at it for a moment before sighing, as if she were dealing with a nearly un-teachable child. Which, judging by the filly downstairs, she'd had some experience with. Either way, Ryan was almost guaranteed that Rarity would be absolutely fawning over him for being as handy as-

"I meant because I have a First Aid kit, dear."

Ryan's palm hit his face at a remarkable speed, resounding with a loud _slap_. He could've kicked himself. Well, so much for his plan of looking like a nice guy instead of an idiot. Of _course_ they had first aid. How else would the other ponies have managed to get him wrapped in cranial bandages?

And, of course, it had to be at the moment when he was feeling like a complete imbecile that somepony decided to kick in the door.

"Rarity, I heard you scream! Are you hurt? Did he mention anything about ticke- oh,my."

Yay. More Fluttershy.

It was then that he noticed that the shirt wrapped around his waist, while doing a decent job of covering one half, was doing a really crappy job of covering the other.

"How _dare_ you violate the sanctity of my friend's home!" Fluttershy was much louder this time, getting right up in his face. "Unforgivable!"

"Chill, bitch! I wasn't 'violating your friend's sanctity', or shit!"

Twilight poked her head in through the open doorway, surveying the chaos. _She had a helping hand in this…_ Ryan thought bitterly. _Uh… hoof. Whatever._ He grabbed the half-finished pants, nearly leaping into them. It took a bit of work between Purple and Whitey to calm down Yellow, but by that point, Rarity was thoroughly interested in these 'tickets'.

At least it couldn't get any worse.

"So…" Twilight said, trying to break the awkward silence that had developed. "…Who's Juanita?"

Ryan _fucking hated unicorns._

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It wasn't much longer before Ryan had a matching light brown shirt to go with the pants. The pants weren't too bad, actually; they were fairly comfortable, not too scratchy, and they had a slightly silky quality while still feeling heavy enough to wear easily. Plus, Rarity had managed to work in a pair of pockets for him. Granted, his hands were far too large for them, but they held the little things, like the wadded up photograph he carried and his (empty) wallet.

Which he was fairly upset to find empty, considering it hadn't been that way before he wound up in Equestria. He stomped down the stairs of Carousel Boutique, passing the filly he'd seen before on the way.

"Hey, there you are!" she pointed out in a squeaky voice. "You two sure made an awful lot of noise. What've you been so busy with?" she asked, eyeing his new clothes.

"Busy violating your sister, apparently."

"Oh." Sweetie Belle said, continuing upstairs.

He trudged through the home/business, and out what he discovered was actually a side door to meet up with Whitey, Yellow, and _fuckin' problem causing Purple_. No doubt Twilight had some other friend she wanted him to meet, after the discussion she and Rarity had been having. Something about it being 'that time of the day', and some garbage about the weather.

Women. Meh.

He shrugged it off. Couldn't be _that _important.

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Sweetie Belle's mother sat at the kitchen table of her daughter's business, slowly drinking a comforting cup of coffee.

It had been one strange and difficult day. First problems helping Rarity move materials, Sweetie Belle's unending curiosity and insistence on learning how to cook properly, (how does one even _burn_ cereal?) and the arrival of a giant hairless weasel on top of everything else.

Yes. She needed her coffee. She was just about to take one of those 'my eyes are half-lidded and I'm taking a deep drink because it heals my soul' drinks from her mug when Sweetie Belle tugged on her elbow gently, but not so much that any coffee was spilled.

"Hm? What is it, dear?" her mother asked without removing the cup, almost desperate to get her drink.

"Mom?" Sweetie Belle asked, staring intently at her mother.

"Phwat if it, howey?" her mother replied, taking a large swallow of the hot liquid.

"What's 'busy violating your sister'?"

Her mother choked on her coffee.

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	5. Ch5: Dear Princess Trollestia

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Ryan Miller was having a hell of a day.

He'd been jerked through a whirlwind of chaos, received death threats of an 'innocent' little pony, been kicked in the head (and other very important parts), nearly stabbed to death with bedazzled scissors and stripped naked.

It had not been a fun day.

Needless to say, Ryan was in a moderately foul mood when things only went downhill from there.

"Oh, but you simply _must,_ darling!" Rarity whined at Twilight. "Can you _imagine_ how badly my Prince Charming, my one true love will feel if I never arrive at the Gala?"

"How do you know he's your one true love if you've never met?" Twilight asked wryly. She was getting sick of Rarity's constant pestering for that ticket, and she was just as distracting as Fluttershy. Fortunately, Yellow butterfly butt had decided to drift off elsewhere, though for god knows what. Ryan guessed it couldn't be good.

Or maybe she'd just gotten sick of Whiney Whitey.

Twilight really was doing her damned best to get to the library, although Rarity certainly wasn't making it easy. "Look, darling, we'll swap, hm? My lovely new sunhat for one itsy bitsy teeny weeny ticket, sounds like a fair deal to me!"

Rarity levitated a large, billowing sunhat in front of Twilight to show her, and jammed it on her head before she could reply.

"Look – hnng – dear, it… hrm! Fits perfectly!" Rarity struggled, forcing the hat onto Twilight's head.

"That's quite enough, Rarity; I just can't decide who I'm giving the other ticket to the Gala to… I… I just need time!" Twilight strained to remove the poofy yellow sunhat, eventually removing it with a _pop!_ before she handed it back to her friend. "Just some time, is all I need."

"Oh… Alright, dear…" Rarity said, though she didn't sound very sure. She went on her own way, throwing several glances back over her shoulder at Twilight, perhaps as if hoping she'd change her mind halfway.

After Rarity was a good distance away, Twilight groaned unhappily. Which, of course, only made it funnier to Ryan.

"What's the matter, Purple? Hard time disappointing anyone?"

"It's not funny, you." she sighed, trudging toward the huge tree, dragging her hooves. Spike hopped off her back to get to the door, and just in time, too.

A speeding, rainbow colored blur slammed into Twilight, knocking her off to the side with an _Oof!_ They tumbled and twisted, finally crashing into a wall, narrowly missing a large trash can. Twilight, fairly shaken, pried her eyes back open, only to find that the world had twisted itself upside down. Or, rather, she'd landed upside down, and discovered such just in time to finish slipping down the wall next to yet another Pegasus.

All of this took place within a span of about four seconds, giving Ryan just enough time to gawk at the fact that Purple had just been smashed into by a predominantly cerulean blue Pegasus, be thankful for the fact that it wasn't him, and quickly decide that, yes, it was quite funny.

He couldn't tell how Twilight knew, and from the glares she gave him as she shakily stood, she _definitely_ knew.

It was probably the hysterical laughter that gave it away.

"Hey, Twi! What's this I hear about a ticket to the Gala? As in, _the_ Grand Galloping Gala?"

"Oh, for Celestia's sake."

With as much trouble as Twilight was going through, this was like _freakin' candy_ to Ryan. He sorely wished for some popcorn to sit back and watch the show.

It was little moments like these that made it completely worth being kicked in the head.

Well. Almost completely worth being kicked in the head.

"Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigosh! The Grand Galloping Gala, and I even hear that the _Wonderbolts _are going to be there, can you even-"

"Rainbow Dash, I can't give the ticket to you."

Well, way to cut the fun short, Purple.

"Tell her why you can't give her the ticket, and how disappointed your friends are in you!" Ryan cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted to her 'helpfully'.

He swore, if that pony had hands, she'd have mangled him by now.

Besides, he was positive he saw a blur of yellow moving in the library…

And he got the feeling it'd be worth stalling for.

Twilight's head drooped a little in guilt. "I… I'm sorry, Dash. But… I just have so many others asking for a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala, and I only have two, and – Aaagh!"

The grey metal trash can beside Twilight burst open with a _clang!_, and a bright pink pony with a bouncy, bubblegum colored mane jutted her head out.

"Gasp! Did somepony say something about a ticket to the _Grand Galloping Gala?!_"

Like freakin' candy.

Pink bounced back into the trash can, closing the lid neatly above her with a snap. Which confused the _hell_ out of Ryan, watching her skip happily around the corner of the building almost immediately after she did so.

… '_The fuck._

"I hear that the Grand Galloping Gala has the _best _sorts of parties! The partiest of parties! And what party is a _party_ party without Pinkie Pie? 'Cause then it's not a Pinkie Pie party party, it's just a party party-!"

Judging from the colorful balloons on this one's flank, he was guessing that Pinkie Pie had a thing for parties.

"No, Pinkie!" Twilight snapped, heading for the library once more. "The situation is the same as I told Rainbow, before Ryan… wait." She stopped midsentence, eyebrows furrowing. "Rainbow Dash." She said slowly.

"Yes, oh bestest friend of the best flyer in _all_ of Equestria?" Rainbow Dash replied sweetly, nudging a puffy white cloud over Twilight for shade. She gave her friend a huge smile before settling down excitedly in front of her.

"… You know, most other ponies we've crossed today have been pretty weirded out by my new friend, here."

"Oh, well, you see, uh…" Dash stuttered, beginning to shuffle back and forth nervously.

"So," Twilight asked casually. "how long have you been following us?"

"…"

"_Dash!_"

"All day!" she confessed, wings flapping down to her sides defensively. "I was just curious, and when I heard about the tickets…!"

Twilight sighed, looking wearily at her friend. "What about you, Pinkie – Pie? Where did you go?" she whirled around, only to find Pinkie and Ryan chatting animatedly. And, for once, it would appear the smile on Ryan's face wasn't brought about through sheer maliciousness.

"So, like, you a spy too?"

"Of course not, silly filly! I don't even have a cardboard box!" the little pink pony practically pranced around Ryan, looking him over excitedly. "I use most of my cardboard for storing party supplies… Ooh! You're Twi's new friend, right? That means you must be our new friend, too! I can't wait to throw you a 'Welcome to Equestria' party! And an after party party, and the cleanup party after the after party party, and-"

"Whoa, chill out, Pink." Ryan said, holding up a hand. She reminded him so much of his ludicrously hyperactive cousin Danielle, it was almost spooky. Well, at least Pink wasn't nearly as much into Japanese animation as his cousin. That made things slightly less weird.

Less weird helps with ponies that have a tendency of shattering the laws of physics on a regular basis.

"Tell you what," Ryan said. "You tell me exactly why you're not surprised to see me, and I'll come to your party." It was an outright lie, but it'd help get him a little more information than he currently had.

"Pinkie Promise?" the pony asked, stopping suddenly in front of him. She gave him a dead serious look, right into his eyes. It was a little spooky; he almost felt that if he broke his promise, she'd _know_. He shook off such a ridiculous notion, and shook his head. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"Cross your heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your-"

"Whoa, I'm not _that_ desperate!"

"Eye?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah." Ryan agreed, scratching the back of his greasy head.

It was then that Ryan noticed Purple staring intently at him, watching them. That was… interesting. He made a personal mental note to use more convincing lies in front of Twilight.

"You're not the first human in Equestria, silly!"

Okay, _that_ caught him off guard.

"Wait, what? How did you know I'm human? Are there others like me here?"

"Nopey dopey!" Pinkie announced cheerfully, resuming her roundabout bouncing.

"But- but you said I'm not the first…?"

"And not the last!"

"So, where are they?" Ryan was starting to get annoyed. Sure, this pony was okay. Especially since her color was in her name. Easy to remember. But she was starting to get on his nerves.

"Here!"

"You said they weren't here!"

"Well, not _right_ here, silly! They're in Equestria!" Trying to keep up with her sense of logic was starting to break his brain.

"Hold up. Then how come _Purple_ – " he said, jabbing a thumb accusingly at Twilight. "said she never heard of humans before? Ain't she supposed to be the smart one, or something?"

Pinkie blinked at him, and burst out giggling. "Not _this_ Equestria. Just _in_ Equestria!"

"… What."

And with that, she bounced off, leaving him far more confused than he was before he met her.

And, believe me, he was _plenty_ confused before he met Pinkie Pie.

For a moment, the only ones left outside the library were a silent Twilight Sparkle, a guiltily shuffling Pegasus, and one very befuddled shaved ape.

"… Okay, 'the _fuck_ just happened."

"I, uh… think I'll come back later." Rainbow Dash said slowly, flapping her wings quickly and took off. At an impressively high speed, too; it occurred to Ryan that he could probably get around a lot quicker here if he put a saddle on one of the horses, since there didn't seem to be any cars. The only problem being that he didn't have a saddle.

Well, and he doubted any of the locals would take too kindly to being ridden.

Twilight sighed heavily, gesturing with her head towards the door. "Let's just go inside. We need to get things sorted out with – Fluttershy?"

_Completely_ worth stalling for.

Fluttershy was zipping around the library mid-air, holding Spike aloft so that he could rearrange books haphazardly.

That wasn't the surprising part.

The surprising part came from the _freakin' multitude_ of forest critters, swarming around doing their best to clean and tidy up. Hell, he saw a squirrel using its tail as a makeshift broom. A couple of chipmunks, one in a tiny brown jacket and another in a flowered red shirt, were busy squabbling over a rather large dust bunny. Ryan was slightly amazed that it hadn't been torn apart by the two. He was also slightly amazed that he had barely avoided stepping on them, and the two barely even noticed his existence.

Then again, after the encounter with Pinkie, his sense of surprise was a little out of whack.

"Damn, this is some Cinderella shit, right here."

"Fluttershy, what are you _doing_?" Twilight barked in agitation.

"Oh, I'm just-"

"That's _it_!" Twilight yelled, and all at once everything in the room just… stopped.

Her horn glowed with a bright violet, and every living thing in the room steadily floated up into the air, zooming out the door one by one. Eventually, all the woodland animals drifted out of the house, leaving only Spike, the two ponies, and Ryan.

Who was floating in the air, helpless _once again._

Twilight huffed angrily, flipping her hair – er, _mane_ – out of the way as she set everything else down on the ground gently with her telekinesis. Ryan's back hit the floor with a slight _flump_, and he sat up gingerly.

_No outbursts of anger… hold it… wait for it…_ he thought to himself, clenching his fists. It gradually passed as he let it go, which he was glad for. He hadn't spent all that time stalling just so _he_ could be the one to explode.

"Fluttershy…" Twilight began through clenched teeth.

_Here it comes…!_ Ryan thought with barely suppressed glee.

"I… I'm sorry, Twilight." Fluttershy muttered, bowing her head in shame. Her wings tucked in sharply, and she did her best to look even smaller and less intimidating.

Twilight sighed, hugging her friend. "It's okay. I completely understand."

_No, wait. What?_

"No, wait. What?"

Twilight looked at Ryan, confused. "What do you mean, what?"

"I mean, seriously! 'The _fuck!_ These little bastards have been pestering you all day for those little scraps of paper! You should be angry! And _righteously_ so!" Ryan roared, standing up and shaking a finger at her. "As a matter of fact, I'm shocked you haven't punched one of your friends in the face yet!"

"I don't know how things work where you come from," Twilight began slowly. "but Fluttershy; all of them. They're all right. They _are_ my friends. And no friendship is worth throwing away, even to present something like… well, _you_ at the Gala."

Rarity, who had been opening the door, stood with her mouth agape. "Oh, darling. I had no _idea_ you were so distressed over the whole ordeal! And to think, I had been coming back over simply to apologize to you – oh, you poor thing!" she cried, flinging herself at Twilight to give her a hug.

"Well, darn. Guess somepony beat me to the punch." Applejack admitted with a sheepish grin as she trotted through the door behind Rarity, pulling her hat down a little over her eyes. It took her all of a split second to cross the room and join her friends.

How the hell they could hug _anything_ without any arms was beyond Ryan.

"Yuppie duppie guppie!" Pinkie Pie giggled, prancing down the stairs and leaping off of them halfway to meet her friends.

"Pinkie, how did – ah, forget it." Twilight said with a smile, welcoming her into the group hug.

"I, uh… I don't suppose it's too late for-" Rainbow Dash began, sticking her head in self-consciously through the window by the stairs.

"Of course there's room for the awesomest flyer in Equestria!" Pinkie squealed, grabbing Dash's hooves and yanking her though the window to the rest of the group. They shared a _'daaww_ picture perfect moment' hug for several seconds, before Twilight poked her head out from the middle of the group. "Spike," she announced. "Take a letter."

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Well, that was a day not well spent.

"… So you sent back the tickets."

"Yup." Twilight said.

"… You sent back. The tickets."

"Even though I'd give just about anything to be by Princess Celestia's side at the Gala, giving up my friends or disappointing the rest isn't something I'd do."

"You tell him, Twi." Applejack said, stretching her back. They'd been sitting in the library for quite a while now, and it wouldn't be much longer before the sun went down. Spike sat on the stairs, glaring at Ryan angrily.

It wasn't his fault. He was just trying to help send the damned letter. But, _apparently_, dangling the dragon upside down by his tail didn't help things at all.

"_Well, you _barfed_ the letter out!"_

"_It doesn't go _in_ the other end!"_

Twilight was horrified at Ryan's confusion, although the rest of the ponies seemed to find it hilarious. Particularly Pinkie, which worried him slightly for reasons unknown. Even Fluttershy was doing her best to keep from laughing.

No, Spike wasn't going to forgive him for _that_ one for a long, long time. But Ryan didn't really worry about that. Pfft. What were the odds that Spike would ever be bigger than him in this lifetime?

"You sent. Back. The tic-"

"YES, we know," Twilight said. "And I don't-" she was immediately cut off by Spike, who promptly belched out yet another rolled up scroll.

"You've got mail." Ryan declared in his best robotic voice as Twilight unrolled it, and Spike rubbed his stomach satisfactorily. As she did so, the rest of her gathered friends gasped in surprise as a handful (hoof full?) of golden tickets showered out, littering the ground.

The group made so much racket with their excitement it could have woken the dead.

"Quiet down, quiet down!" Ryan shouted unhelpfully, adding to the ruckus. Seeing that the whole room was filled with books, he quickly grabbed a pair of the shelf and did what every kindergartener did at every opportunity.

Took the pair of books and slammed them together as hard as he could.

The resulting _SLAM!_ shook the ponies out of their chatter and left them all quite shell-shocked, which Ryan noted with great satisfaction.

"Okay, one more question." Ryan said to them all, holding up a finger. "From what I've heard over the course of the day, I'm guessing you all know who Princess Celestia is, right?"

"Well, _evidently_, darling," Rarity said. "Who do you think helped her with the whole Nightmare Moon situation?"

"Hang on. You all know this princess _personally?_"

They all balked at him, nodding their heads.

"Okay. So, the princess knows you all personally after you, what, saved her hide?"

"Something like that," Twilight said slowly.

"… So… why did she only send two tickets the first time?"

_Oh, look. Fluttershy's eye-twitch is back._

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	6. Ch6: All That Glitters

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"Are you _fucking_ kidding me? _Saw a snake?_ Really?!"

"For the sixth time, _yes._" Twilight answered, exasperated. It was a fine morning, with an easy breeze rolling through Ponyville. He didn't mean to sleep in as late as he did.

"Then how come I didn't-"

"It was about ten minutes ago. You missed the whole thing!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around in her usual bubbly fashion. "I haven't seen a rodeo like that in _forever!_"

Ryan spent the last night in the home of Twilight Sparkle, and it was not a particularly lovely experience for either of them. Probably due to the fact that he had shoved the pony out of her own bed in order to clamber into it.

By this point, you'd really think he'd learn to remember about the unicorn magic.

Ergo, he spent half the night in a floating pink bubble.

Very, very angrily.

Since nobody – nopony, whatever, - seemed to be coming to let him out, and his nonstop ranting and swearing couldn't wake anyone up through the bubble, he eventually gave up and tried to sleep in it by crimping up unhappily at the bottom. Ryan didn't even think about needing air until he was fast asleep, and nightmares of suffocating inside the bubble woke him continuously.

Much to his surprise, however, the bubble unexpectedly popped about half way through the night, dropping Ryan to the library floor with a heavy _plunk._

More accurately, leaving Ryan free to obtain revenge.

Or, at least he promised himself he would, if he weren't so damned tired. So, Ryan curled up and slept on the floor next to a bookcase, did his best to ignore his hunger, and fitfully fell back asleep.

He awoke in a rather comfortable bed, blankets tucked neatly around him.

"Yoo-hoo. Anypony in there?" Twilight asked, waving her hoof in front of his face.

"Zuh-huh?" he stuttered, startled out of his haze.

"You've just been standing there staring at me, for, like, the last five minutes."

"Oh. Uh. Just… distracted." Ryan grumbled, sticking his hands in his pockets and shambling off down the road. Twilight followed closely behind him.

"I know I didn't show you much of Ponyville before, but hopefully we can make up for some lost time today. I know I put that schedule somewhere…"

Ryan scratched his head, wishing for a pair of sunglasses. The morning light was starting to give him a headache. Unfortunately, when he awoke in front of Twilight's home, all he had in his pockets was the single faded photograph.

No phone, no lighter, no cigarettes, no wallet, no – wait.

Wait.

_Wait._

Yeah. Yeah, he _did_ wake up in front of Twilight Sparkle's home. One of the few ponies in charge of some 'Elements of Harmony', or something like that from what Rarity had told him of their escapades last night. Exactly what _were_ the odds that he'd wind up there, of all places?

And this princess. Evidently, Equestria was run by some kind of monarchy, meaning that they had either a military or an awful lot of tools at their disposal. Probably both. If the first thing Purple did upon seeing Ryan was inform her princess, why was he still here with Twilight and her friends? It would seem that the most logical course of action would be to intervene directly, instead of expecting him to show up at some freakin' gala…

Something wasn't right.

"Awfully introspective today, aren't we?" Twilight asked slyly, sidling up beside him as they walked through the town.

"Huh?"

Ryan wasn't sure why, but he didn't trust the look she was giving him.

_Play dumb!_

"Oh, yeah," Ryan said, rubbing his stomach. "I was just thinkin', since those cows were here and all, did any of them stick around?"

"Why?" Twilight asked curiously, cocking her head slightly. A pony selling flowers from a transportable booth stared for a moment as they passed, then gave them both a warm smile and waved. The noise in town was starting to pick up.

"Well, because I want to kill it. Duh."

"_What?"_ Twilight shrieked in revulsion. "What- _why_ would you even… please tell me that this is another one of your sick jokes!"

Purple's outburst surprised Ryan a little, although in hindsight, he really should have expected it. Especially considering the fact that all of these ponies were herbivores, eating any kind of meat must be like cannibalism to them.

"Well, uh 'cause… I'm hungry."

She stared at him again as it dawned on her, abject horror spreading across her face. He felt a little guilty then, but couldn't put his finger on why, exactly.

He didn't really expect them to be so… human.

Twilight quivered a bit, and looked like she was going to be sick. "Look, you… you can't do that, okay?" she said shakily, trying to push the terrible mental images out of her mind. "Just… you eat waffles, things like that, right?"

Ryan sighed, pushing his long greasy black hair out of his eyes. Knowing his luck, the cows were probably anthropomorphic, too. "I can't live on hay waffles, Purple." He wanted to say, _I FUCKIN' NEED MEAT!_, but refrained himself. "I'm not a horse like you."

"Pony."

"Whatever. There's no steak to be had here, so I'm gonna go… is that a bakery?" he asked, pointing out Sugarcube Corner.

"Yes, but that isn't –" she face-hoofed, getting an idea. "Yes! Yes, it is a bakery! I know it's not on schedule, but… just take this." She said, telekinetically lifting out a very small burlap sack out of her saddlebag and dropping it in his outstretched hands. It was tied off at the top, and it felt pretty heavy for something of its size.

"… And this is…" Ryan said, holding up the bag.

"Bits. That should be enough for breakfast, at least." She said, standing up on her hind legs and pushing him towards Sugarcube Corner.

"Oh, uh… thanks?" Ryan muttered. "Now quit pushin', I can go in myself." He stepped away from her, letting her two front hooves fall to the ground from the sudden lack of support. Almost as an afterthought, Ryan turned his head slightly as he rested his hand on the door. "You, uh… want anything, Purple?"

She was busy looking off in another direction, and shook her head. "Uh, no thanks. I've really got to go… catch up with somepony. Take your time!" and with that, she bolted off in the direction she'd been gazing.

It was apparent she didn't want to ditch him, although for whose sake was unclear. "I'll be back in a bit!" she shouted over her shoulder, galloping as fast as she could straight through a crowd. He quickly lost sight of her, and shrugged half-heartedly.

Hey, as long as she didn't know he was suspicious of anything, that made things easier on his part.

He grumbled darkly about how the pastries had better not be made with hay as well, and pushed the door open. A small bell tinkled somewhere inside and he took in a deep breath, relieved to be out of the sun.

"Hiya, Ryan! Wanna help me make some cupcakes?"

"No thanks, Pink. I'm just here for – wait, Pinkie?" he said, startled. He watched her frilly mane bounce up from behind the counter, the rest of her quickly following suit. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here, silly filly!" Pinkie Pie replied with a giggle, as if he'd just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable. "And I could really use some help making cupcakes, and – "

"Whoa, no. No free labor for you." he said, jabbing a finger at her. "I'm just here for food."

It didn't slow her down in the slightest, discovering that Ryan had no intentions of helping her whatsoever. "Oki-doki-loki! What'll ya' have?" she asked, gesturing to the rather large display of assorted cakes, treats and pastries. Well, it was no steak, but it was something other than hay waffles.

"I dunno," Ryan said, checking the pouch Twilight had given him. "I thi- holy ass balls!" he cried out, eyes widening in shock.

Gold.

It was filled to the brim with coins of _solid fuckin' gold._

After a few brief moments of silence, Ryan did something even Pinkie didn't see coming.

"WHOO! WHOO HOO HOO HOO!"

"Whoo! Whoo choo hoo!" Pinkie yelled with him, leaping up on top of the counter.

"I'm rich! Filthy rich! Dirty stinkin' filthy fuckin' rich!" Ryan did a little dance with glee, wobbling his arms back and forth like a massive featherless chicken. He probably looked a little… well, a _lot_ stupid, but by this point, he didn't care.

"We're filthy rich, even!" Pinkie added, doing her own little dance on the countertop.

"I'm gonna pay my rent! No, fuck that; I'm gonna buy a jet!" Ryan cheered happily, now swinging the back around like a propeller blade.

"I don't know what that is!" Pinkie laughed, doing her best imitation of Ryan's helicopter imitation.

It was at this point that a very confused Mr. and Mrs. Cake struggled in through a side door, lifting a large triple layered cake with bright green frosting between them.

Ryan stopped mid-dance, which, unfortunately for him, had been when he'd grabbed a couple of party streamers and was dancing around, using them as makeshift tassels.

The only one that didn't stop dancing was Pinkie, still on top of the counter singing something about throwing cake on the ground. And, of course, it was also the precise moment when Ryan realized a very important fact. It didn't matter how much the gold coins were worth if he couldn't get home.

"… Well. This is awkward."

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	7. Ch7: Friendship Lesson 626

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Mr. and Mrs. Cake were surprisingly forgiving people. Well, ponies. They wholeheartedly and eagerly forgave Ryan for trashing their shop in his excitement.

"Stupid fuckin' ponies," he grumbled, scrubbing frosting off the floor with a mop.

On the condition that he cleaned up his mess.

"Aw, come on. It's not _that_ bad!" Pinkie said cheerfully, sticking her hoof into a glob of bright pink frosting and tasting it. Ryan would have been much happier had they simply let him leave in peace. On the bright side, they let him eat whatever he liked, so long as his work was finished in a timely manner.

"Yes. It is. Anything that involves manual labor is horrible and cruel." Ryan shot back, sweeping the mop in a steady fashion.

"I have a song for that! Do you like sea shanties?" she didn't give him time to answer, belting out into song before he could reply.

"Pink," he began.

"WHEN I WAS A LITTLE FILLY-"

"_Pinkie._" He said more sternly, desperately jamming his fingers in his ears.

"AND THE SUN WAS GOING DO-OWN!"

"_PINKIE!"_

"THE D-"

"Oh, god, shut up!" Ryan yelled, sticking his hand in her open mouth. To his shock, he watched his arm practically slide through, until her mouth was over his elbow.

Ryan was quiet for a moment, before jerking his arm back.

"AW, GROSS!" he complained, wiping off an armful of drool. Pinkie was busy trying to scrub the taste of unwashed arm off her tongue with the mop.

"Yew'lle tewwig me! Blech!"

Ryan did his best to wipe the slobber on his pants, and shook the rest off. "Well, that was…" he was going to say 'disgusting', but changed it last minute to "… impressive. I mean, holy shit, you've got a big mouth."

It was possibly the first time he'd ever seen Pinkie deadpan. "Yeah. You're one to talk."

Snarky little… Ryan grinned at that, picking the mop back up and wringing it out to continue cleaning. "If you're not gonna barf on the floor or anything, you could help clean it, you know. Speaking of which; don't ponies have gag reflexes?"

Pinkie scratched her chin with her hoof, thinking. It was a very strange look; seeing a pony behaving in such a human manner. "I think so. I guess I just don't have much of one."

"I guess not," Ryan shrugged, agreeing with her. "not many others can say they can easily deep throat an arm."

"What's that mean?"

Ryan paused, berating himself. Of course that one would require an explanation. "It, uh… just stick with the 'no gag reflex' thing. As a matter of fact, let's just not bring it back up again."

"Almost finished up in here?" Mr. Cake said, sticking his head through the kitchen doorway cheerfully to check up on them. The bright yellow pony and owner of Sugarcube Corner peered around, seeing that a good chunk of the work had been done rather well. Mr. Cake himself had flaming orange hair, sticking out in odd places underneath his red and yellow cap.

"Yuppie-duppie! Pinkie Pie announced excitedly. "Ryan here was just teaching me about deep throat!"

Ryan could have sworn Mr. Cake was trying to impersonate Pinkie, because his yellow face had just gone quite a few shades pinker. His mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

"Turns out, I'm _really_ good at it! No gag reflex at all!"

If Mr. Cake were to turn any redder, he'd make a better tomato than a pony. "Oh. Well. That's…" he stumbled over his words, struggling to find something to say. As flustered as he was, it was rather difficult.

"… Keep up the good work." Was all he managed to say quickly, before turning on the spot and trotting off.

Ryan facepalmed, groaning. Yeah. This was going to be easy to explain. And now, to top it off, Pinkie was going to have all of Ponyville claiming that he was some form of deviant.

Well, he _was_ a complete deviant. But not _that_ bad.

"Is it just me, or did Mr. Cake look a little flushed to you?" Pinkie asked him, putting a pan of pastries behind the counter.

"I dunno, Pink." Ryan lied, finishing up with the mop. "He might just be feelin' sick."

"Oh my gosh, you're right!" she exclaimed, bouncing up. "He probably has a terrible fever and-"

"Yeah, that's great, but I've really got to get goin' now." Ryan said, jamming a thumb toward the door. He didn't have anywhere to go, even if he knew where he was going. He just _really_ didn't want to be here when Mr. Cake got his voice back.

"Okie-doki-loki!" Pinkie said to him in a chipper tone, carrying a thermometer and an ice bag to Mr. Cake, wherever he had gone.

After a few seconds of standing in silence, Ryan shrugged and said to himself "Time to make like a cake and… split. Christ, I'm bad at jokes."

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Ryan was walking down the side street through the middle of Ponyville, trying to look like he was minding his own business.

In actuality, he'd already scared the living daylights out of four innocent ponies, stolen three loafs of bread (which he ate almost immediately), and knocked over two salesponies' stands.

_And a partridge in a pair tree._ He thought to himself happily. He wasn't sure what possessed him to, but he eventually stopped on a curb, habitually checking his pockets. He'd have killed for a couple of cigarettes by this point. Every time he had them anywhere near his cousins, one of them was bound to annoy him over them. He thought back fondly to when Danielle, the twin sister of Donald, had gotten irate at him for smoking in her house. However, when Donald commented on the same thing, she snagged Ryan's lighter from his pocket.

And used it to light Donald's shirt on fire from behind.

Good times.

All he had in his pocket was the faded photograph he'd grabbed before flinging himself into the violet hell-hole that dropped him in this world, though. He unfolded it gingerly, gazing down at the yellowed paper. He'd almost forgotten what his aunt looked like; although she'd been dead for quite some time now. In the picture, he could see a much smaller pair of twins, waving happily in front of their parents. Ryan, much younger in this photo, stood sheepishly behind his aunt, staring at the photographer.

He wondered how the twins were faring about now. He used to visit them almost daily, to make sure they were okay. Most of the days were on the same ones he visited Tiny Tim at the Children's Hospital, and Nurse Racksalot. Eventually, though, the visits were cut to about one a week, and then once every couple of weeks. The only way he kept in touch with them was through phone, and Ryan sorely wished he had it back. Although Equestria probably didn't get very good signal.

As a matter of fact, the last time he'd even seen the twins, one of them was possessed by an ancient evil inter-dimensional demonic revenge-driven alien, and the other had been about to commit the equivalent of suicide for the sake of rescuing her twin. However, discovering that Miller genetic code was required, he threw himself out the window into the maw of chaos itself.

And that's the _short_ version.

"Ah, good! There you are!" he heard Twilight's voice behind him, and he nearly jumped.

"Oh, uh. Yeah. Hey, Purple." He said lamely, holding up a hand in a sort of half-wave. A shadow passed overhead, and for a brief moment, he wondered if Rainbow had moved one of the clouds again. He squinted upwards, and though he saw no sign of a Pegasus, he could have sworn he saw what looked like a griffin.

It really wouldn't have surprised him much.

"I see you've managed to find substitution for… breakfast." Twilight said pointedly, eyeing the many breadcrumbs on his shirt. He brushed them off, and nodded. "What's that?" she asked, glancing at the photo before Ryan could jam it back in his pocket. He nearly told her to fuck off, as he had grown used to doing in the short time he'd been in her homeland, but he sighed and showed it to her with one hand.

"You have a family?" she asked, sitting next to him and levitating it closer to get a better look.

"I used to. They're… really far away." He said pensively. His shoulders drooped, and for a moment, Twilight could have sworn he looked… almost sad. "They're… _ohana_."

She tilted her head, unfamiliar with the phrase. "O-ha-na?"

"Ohana means nobody gets left behind. A blue alien taught me that shit." He explained, carefully folding the picture back up and putting it in his pocket.

"… I see." She said, thinking. Many ponies passed them, but hardly any paid any attention. Ryan supposed it was true just about anywhere in any universe; give someone enough time to acclimate to something strange, and eventually, nobody gives a damn.

"Are we… ohana?" Twilight asked him suddenly, looking up at him.

He stared back at her for a moment, running a hand through his greasy hair. After a moment of contemplation, he gave her a toothy smile. "… Sure, kid. We're ohana. Ohana means family." He recited.

"And family means, nobody gets left behind."

If he wasn't careful, these multicolored little bastards were going to start growing on him.

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	8. Ch8: Misery Loves Company

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It was early afternoon by the time Twilight and Ryan returned to the library. It had been a productive day, on the most part. Well, for Twilight.

For Ryan, it was just more unpaid labor.

"Hnng – where do you… fffffnnnk – want these fuckers?" he grunted as he heaved the pile of scrolls through the doorway, trying his best not to let any slip out of his grasp.

Again.

They were much heavier than they looked. The browning parchment didn't do much wriggling away, although several pieces ripped when he tried to keep them from slipping.

Twilight sighed, pushing the door open with her hoof for him. "You know, I could've just levitated them."

"I _said_, I got… hnnnf… it." As he dropped the pile on the table, it creaked slightly under the weight, and a couple of scrolls rolled onto the floor. Spike wandered into the kitchen, scratching his stomach. "Hey, there you guys are. Boy, have _I_ been busy today."

"I understand, but did you _really_ have to try to carry them all at once?"

Spike waved to Twilight slowly, giving her an dumbfounded look.

"Yes," Ryan said, flexing one of his arms to show muscle. "I did."

"Hello. Anypony in there?" Spike asked, looking between the two.

"I swear, you have the most incurable case of Chauvinistic Male Syndrome I have _ever_ seen."

"I don't know what that means." Ryan admitted with ease, kicking his feet up on the table and trying not to knock any of the scrolls off. He was failing miserably. "So, what'd you need all these for, anyway?"

Twilight glared at him, levitating the fallen scrolls up and arranging the rest on the table in a neat pyramid. "Were you listening to me at _all_ on the way back?"

"… Uh…. Eeeeee-yyyyy-eeeeee-ssss?" he guessed cautiously.

She groaned again, and Ryan could tell that if she had fingers, she'd be pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation. So far, though, she was settling for the face-hoof.

She reminded him a bit of his cousin, Donald. Bright little kid.

Certified genius, actually. Brilliant in most terms imaginable.

_Completely_ unbearable little pain in the ass.

Apparently, Twilight took his grin for something else, as she levitated a couple up and dropped them in Ryan's lap. "These," she began. "are going to help you for later tonight."

Ryan shot her a confused look, pinching one of the scrolls between his fingers and holding it up. "How? These are all blank, aren't they?"

"Yes. Yes, they are." And she said that with such a smug, self-satisfied smile that it was more than enough to ensure Ryan knew that she had more work for him to do.

"WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?" Spike wailed.

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Ryan groaned for the umpteenth time, his hand crimping in protest. He dropped the quill onto the writing table, clutching his hand in discomfort.

"I can't go on… go! Go on without… me… save yourself!" he gasped dramatically, dropping to the floor.

"Oh, get up, you. You've only just begun to scratch the tip of the iceberg."

"ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?"

He'd been writing for hours, and the sun was beginning to go down. According to Twilight, as he had properly guessed, sending him into Sugarcube Corner had been a distraction. While he was busy wreaking havoc, Twilight had been busy catching up to Applejack and contacting her friends, doing her best to put things right between them and Ryan. When Twilight had asked for help, Applejack offered to attempt to convince Granny Smith to allow Ryan back into their home when invited for dinner, given that there were no repeat instances of last time.

All in all, they'd been exceptionally forgiving.

_Meaning that there has to be some kind of self-serving reasoning behind it. Nobody does anything out of the goodness of their freakin' hearts,_ Ryan thought suspiciously.

He'd been writing almost nonstop, and Twilight kept him on track. Nearly a quarter of the scrolls had been filled with everything Twilight had been saying to him, all of it nonsensical garbage about proper behavior, table manners, light conversational topics, and mindless crap about 'friendship'.

He was ready to use the quill to stab his eyes out.

And the ink pots – CHRIST, where they a pain in the ass. He vowed to talk to some of these ponies about getting some pens.

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

Twilight insisted that he memorize everything he'd written. Mostly under threat of being place back inside theFlying-Pink-Hamster-Ball-of-Torment. He promptly agreed.

Mainly because he had no intention of doing any such thing, and because he'd scribbled what he thought were important bits on the underside of his arm. Ryan heard a light thumping, almost as if someone were stomping up the stairs. Actually, _exactly _as if someone were stomping up the stairs.

"Hey. Visitors." Spike grumbled, crossing his tiny arms and stomping back down. He was probably still angry about being ignored earlier. That brought a small amount of comfort to Ryan, knowing that he wasn't the only one pissed off at Twilight.

Misery and company, and all that.

Twilight sighed, looking over Ryan's work one last time. He made sure that his arm was safely turned away from her, and he stood, stretching his back. "Whelp, guess I'm done here –" he started.

Thankfully, she simply nodded satisfactorily. "It's nowhere near what I hoped you'd accomplish by this point, but much better than I was afraid you _weren't_ going to do. I trust you've gotten everything down pat-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said quickly, waving her off. The _last_ thing he wanted was for her to start ranting again. Mainly because she had developed a nasty habit of stopping halfway through and asking him questions, forcing him to actually pay attention to bits of the 'conversation'. "I'll be a good boy. Sit, stay, roll over." He gave her his biggest smile and a thumbs up, which on him, didn't do anything less than make him look akin to a maniacal, two legged and slightly hairy shark. The unusually sharp teeth, unshaven face, slicked back greasy black hair, and bloodshot eyes made him look more like an animal than anything.

Twilight shrugged it off, beginning her descent down the stairs. Ryan followed after, dropping the goofy smile as soon as she looked away, only for it to be replaced by a look of drooping disgust.

"Are you sure?" she asked suddenly, turning.

His face jerked painfully back into the goofy-smile, giving her the thumbs up once again. "Abso-fuckin'-lutely. Uh… _ma'am._" He added as an afterthought.

Politeness. He wasn't positive, but it had to have been _some_ kind of virtue.

Twilight sighed uncertainly, and continued downstairs to greet her visitor. She already knew who it was, of course; she'd specifically asked for Fluttershy's help with gathering everypony else at the Apple's farmhouse. Whether or not they wanted to be anywhere near the 'big dumb gorilla'.

Fluttershy could be quite convincing. This, Twilight knew.

Ryan's heart sank when he saw her, and he groaned inwardly. Even though she'd already gotten the ticket she wanted, he doubted she'd settle for no revenge. He was on the verge of making up some excuse to avoid Fluttershy's potential wrath when he had a stroke of brilliance.

Fluttershy _definitely_ had something planned. Probably for whenever she could justify it, like if she felt that one of her friends were endangered. And, after all, Twilight had already proven that she was more than capable of foiling plans by doing the exact same thing that Ryan loved doing the most.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

_Oh, I am going to drive her fucking bonkers._ He thought gleefully to himself, a dastardly plot already brewing in his mind. He gave her a huge, friendly smile as he came down the stairs, noting happily that she shrank back slightly from his overbearing figure and eerily happy visage.

"Hiya, Yel- uh, Fluttershy!" he exclaimed, waving over energetically as she approached the door.

Twilight, under the impression that he really was doing his best to be a better person, muttered under her breath to him as best she could. "Laying it on a little thick, don't you think?"

He ignored her, picking up Twilight's saddlebag for her. "Need this?" he asked, not waiting for an answer as he promptly dropped it back on the floor and strode out the door. She sighed heavily, beginning a steady trot. As she was halfway out the door, she threw her head back over her shoulder.

"… Well?"

"Well, what?" a sullen Spike answered, sitting on the steps.

"Aren't you coming?"

He blinked at her a couple times, questioningly.

"Well, it wouldn't be dinner without you, now would it?" Twilight said with a smile, and Spike grinned as he launched himself up in between her shoulder blades, and the pair started out the door. Twilight closed the door behind them with a light _snap_, and they steadily caught up to Ryan and Fluttershy, who was trotting instead of walking. Both of her wings were clamped tightly to her side, and her eyes were mainly on the road in front of her.

The unnaturally large smile never left Ryan's face, and he babbled in a cheerful manner to her nearly the entire way to the farm.

Needless to say, talkative people might have annoyed the _hell_ out of him, but that didn't mean he never picked up a few tricks from them along the way. His cousin Danielle, Pinkie Pie, that girl from the Children's… huh. What was her name again? Brittany? Heather? Regardless, the real trick was to keep spewing nonsense until either your throat gives out or the other person's ears explode. He blathered almost nonstop all the way there about whatever came into his head, ranging from pumpernickel to umbrella stands half off on Tuesdays. And he was polite as possible about it the entire time.

Fluttershy was waiting for an opportune moment for when Ryan slipped up.

_She's gonna have a hard time of that. I'll fuckin' _smother_ her with niceness._

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

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"Evenin', Twi." Applejack welcomed the pair, opening the front door for Spike and his ride.

By the time they arrived, Twilight and Spike had gained a bit of distance on the second pair, and Applejack had to admit, Fluttershy looked like she was fairly on edge. A nervous twitch occasionally flittered across one of her eyes, although it was fairly well hidden behind her flowing pink mane. More disturbingly, however, was the gargantuan grinning gorilla that lumbered beside her, jabbering nonsensically about the one time he'd caught a mosquito with two fingers while his cousin was ineffectually lecturing him on quantum mechanics.

"Uh…" Applejack started. "… Evenin', Fluttershy. And you." she didn't announce Ryan by name, rather giving him a hard, even look beneath the brim of her hat. She kept it tucked low, and Ryan couldn't see much of her face. It must have been fairly difficult, Ryan thought to himself, trying to look intimidating when sporting blonde hair and freckles.

Her stare immediately brought back mental images of one of his exes.

The one with the bipolar disorder and the knife collection.

All of a sudden, Applejack looked much more intimidating.

For a moment, she'd have sworn he shivered. Instead, he looked to be peeking under his arm for something, like he'd forgotten it was there. Out of nowhere, he dropped to one knee, took one of her comparatively tiny hooves in his hand, and quietly rumbled in a deep voice, "Madam, your presence graces us. Are my visually appealing companion and I granted entry to your magnificent abode this fair evening?"

His sudden and unexpected grace surprised her, and his gently flowing honeyed words didn't help to shake her out of her shock in the slightest. As a matter of fact, it was probably the last thing she was expecting aside from Twilight sprouting a pair of wings.

But that would just be ridiculous.

Her mouth opened and closed several times, but the unnaturally large smile on Ryan's face never wavered. If he didn't know any better, he'd have sworn a small blush was glowing beneath those freckles. As to how in the hell a pony had freckles befuddled him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could clearly see Fluttershy, wings trembling slightly. Although with nervousness or barely concealed rage, he couldn't tell.

_Hey, look. Fluttershy's eye twitch is back._

It took all of his strength not to burst out laughing.

"Uh. Er… Why-" Applejack took a moment to clear her throat, berating herself for being caught off guard. This was precisely the kind of thing Twilight had warned her of earlier, but with as much on her mind right now…

"Er-hem. Why don't y'all come on in?" she said to the pair, turning on the spot and moving at a brisk pace toward a dining area. Ryan motioned for Fluttershy to take the lead, and he bowed his head lower to make it inside.

As it turns out, there was a lot more dining room than he had seen before. From what he could guess, this place was accustomed to seating more than one family, which could explain why there was plenty of room for the Apple family, plus the unexpected arrival of Whiney Whitey Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and even Pinkie Pie.

Come to think of it, he hadn't really been introduced to the Rainbow colored one. Since the others had all been given somewhat derogatory nicknames, he promptly settled on Skittles.

After a couple of seconds of silence, he realized that he'd just been standing in the doorway staring at them all. He quickly checked the underside of his arm on a multitude of scribbles, and much to his displeasure, he found that a certain level of sweat had rendered a few of them completely unreadable.

_117. __Don't look like a jackass. __Be more smiley._

"Uh… hi, everypony!" he said with his best winning smile, taking an empty seat near the middle of the table. Unfortunately, Twilight sat directly next to him, probably to make sure he stayed in line. There were a couple of mutters around the room, but most of the inhabitants took seats as well, with Applejack on one end of the table and Granny Smith on the opposite.

It wasn't long before food was served around the table, and the pleasantly large variety of apple-related edibles did a great deal toward making up for the lack of meat. There were a huge assortments of apple pies, apple dumplings, apple turnovers, apple frosted cakes, apples in baskets, apples dipped in caramel, apples-

Oh, fuck. It was going to be a long night.

"There's enough apples here to give you diarrhea out the wazoo. No pun intended." Ryan exclaimed, looking around the table with a groan. Granny Smith eyed him wearily, and a very large, muscular red pony sitting next to her at the corner of the table gave him a level look.

"Wassa wazoo?" the one he remembered as Apple Bloom asked through a mouthful of fritter, sitting directly across from him.

_254. __Don't fuckin' swear so much.__ Attempt to decrease your level of vulgarity around children._

"Oh, it's, uh…" Ryan said, thinking quickly as he scratched the back of his greasy head. "It's… a bird."

Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow at him, trying not to smile. She knew he'd made a slip up. He wasn't going to let her have an form of victory from it, though.

"Yeah, I've seen some _ginormous_ ones. Right, Spike?" he said suddenly, peering around Twilight at the small purple dragon.

"Huh?" Spike said, startled at the prospect of someone actually paying attention to him. "Oh, he's lying. He means butt. Wazoo means bu- oof!" Twilight nudged him, but it was already too late. Granny Smith looked slightly frustrated, and Apple Bloom snorted so hard that fritter flew out and hit Ryan in the face.

Leaving Pinkie snickering wildly and Fluttershy with an infuriatingly satisfied look on her face.

Rarity's horn glowed briefly, and an apple-embroidered green cloth napkin wafted over to him. He snatched it rudely out of the air, wiping his face as he glared daggers at Spike. "Naked little _prick._" He said angrily.

In hindsight, Rarity had probably pulled his bacon out of the fire with her comment. Although he really wished she hadn't.

"Well, dear, you're hardly one to talk. You were without clothes for a short while too, hmm?"

It took him a nearly full moment to comprehend how badly he'd just been burned. He felt his face flush, and Pinkie was stuffing both of her hooves into her mouth in a mad attempt to prevent herself from giggling.

She was failing horribly.

_582. Try not to say something you'll regret._

For a split second, he could have sworn he saw even the frumpy-faced Granny Smith with a small smile tugging at her lips, but he bowed his head and started on his overly apple-related meal.

He sighed with discontent, picked up a small fork, and began cutting slowly at the dumplings in front of him. "So… who made this…?" he had to stop himself from calling it crap, and he looked to Twilight for help. Instead, Granny Smith spoke up.

"That'd be me, darlin'. Now, I hear you ain't been used to home cooked meals since y'all been here, so good food that's good for ya' might come as a bit of a cul-ture shock."

"What about waffles? I thought those were some a' my best." The large red pony next to Granny Smith said, a little hurt.

"Aw, come on, Big Mac," and Ryan struggled not to snicker at the name. "We both know I been makin' waffles since before you were born, and I _still_ don't burn 'em as bad as you do."

"Yeah, they were kinda burned." Spike injected, taking a hefty bite out of the apple pie in front of him. Big Mac simply gave him a nearly sideways frowning 'harumph', which must have been difficult to pull off. It was then that Ryan realized that Big Mac was staring right at him, and the two made eye contact. Immediately breaking it, Ryan looked around the room and realized that it wasn't just the one called Big Mac; it was every single one of the, watching him holding the slice of apple dumpling mid-air.

_639. __Pants aren't for burning__. Compliment the food. Don't forget to compliment the food!_

Ryan gave a resigned sigh, looking at the apple dumpling. It was probably made with hay or some crap, too. With a deep breath, he deftly flicked the dumpling slice through the air, and caught it in his mouth. For a few seconds, a blank look stayed on his face. After a few more moments of silence, he chewed thoughtfully and swallowed loudly. With a large grin, he turned to Granny Smith and gave her the 'thumbs up' once again.

It wasn't helping his image.

"That tasted amazing! It's like I orgasmed, but _in my mouth!_"

Pinkie Pie promptly hit the ground, roaring with laughter. Twilight's hoof hit her face, and she groaned at her failure. "I know. I know," Ryan said, mimicking her miserably. "Caught it as soon as I said it."

Fluttershy was, by this point, turning the same color in the face as Big Mac was in the flank. Rarity was left flabbergasted, trying her best to ignore the insane laughter coming from the pink pony on the floor beside her, but it wasn't long before she, too, collapsed into a fit of giggles.

Even Granny Smith was laughing at his expense, so much so that her dentures had fallen out onto her plate.

"Oh-hoo-hoo! Ah changed my mind, young 'un! You should keep him!" Granny Smith wheezed to Twilight, struggling in vain to place her dentures back in her mouth without chuckling them out again. Ryan would have thought Applejack would be one of the first to laugh at him as well, but upon closer inspection, he could clearly see that she had deep bags under her eyes, though she did manage a weak smile. She didn't look all that enthusiastic about it, however.

Applejack just looked… exhausted.

Ryan wasn't sure what bothered him more. That she looked so beaten down, or the fact that he was the only one that noticed.

Or that he even noticed at all.

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"Eeyup. Y'all come back now, ya' hear?" Applejack called after them as the group walked away.

Ryan had really done his best to avoid doing dishes. As a matter of fact, he'd been halfway out the door after finishing his meal when he discovered he'd been wrangled into helping.

Quite literally; Applejack was very handy with that rope.

Behind them, Ryan could see Twilight saying something lowly to Applejack before she trotted back to him and Fluttershy with a determined expression. Spike, sitting happily atop Ryan's left shoulder, was chatting animatedly with him about the dinner.

"And she says, 'What's a wazoo?' and I'm all-"

"I know, I know," Ryan laughed good-naturedly. "I was there, remember?"

"Oh, yeah." Spike said thoughtfully, scratching his chin. "So, anyway-"

Ryan chortled, letting his mind wander as they walked. Spike clung to his shoulder, and occasionally tried to use his greasy hair as reins, which didn't work too well for Spike. He vaguely wondered if every day were going to be like this. If that were the case… well, maybe this place wasn't all that bad.

A twinge of guilt surged through him as he remembered his promises of protecting his cousins from harm, and how in the _hell_ he was going to get home. He forced himself to think of something else, instead – no use going on a guilt trip over things he didn't have the power to change.

"-fter that. Right, Ryan?"

"Huh. Oh, yeah. Sounds great."

Yet. He'd get to them. He swore that much to himself.

Instead, he contented himself with blotting out Spike's ramblings with thoughts of his evident victory of Fluttershy. Granted, his plan of victory through total inaction hadn't necessarily panned out, but it was close enough. His grin grew wider at that, and his shoulders shook slightly from the laugh. Spike wobbled precariously, and Ryan's hand flew up to snag his ankles before he could slip. Spike kept right on talking without even slowing his pace.

As a matter of fact… Fluttershy didn't look very peeved about being thwarted. He really would have expected her to be more furious about her lack of revenge, or at the very least, a bit eye-twitchy.

Turns out, Ryan's hindsight was twenty-twenty.

"-fore you return in the morning. Right, Ryan?"

"Wazzat? Huh?" he said, yanking himself out of thought.

"Have you even been listening to me?" Twilight sighed yet again, head drooping as she received the anticipated answer.

"Oh. Uh… yeah. Totally." Ryan lied.

"Ah, good. Then I'll see you at the expected time in the morning." She said, and began to trot off toward the library. Spike clambered off his back and ran parallel to Twilight. Ryan hadn't even noticed when he'd stopped rambling.

"Hey! Where are you going?" he quipped in surprise.

"I see you were paying such _close_ attention," she said smarmily over her shoulder. "You'll be spending the night with Fluttershy until we can provide you with reasonable sleeping space! Good night!" and with that, she left him with the small yellow Pegasus.

He simply stood there, staring at the space she had been moments ago in shock.

Ryan looked down at the Pegasus, and from the small, satisfied smile she was giving him, he hadn't felt such a surge of pants-filling fear in years.

_Oh, fuck._

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	9. Ch9: Kill 'Da Wabbit, Kill 'Da Wabbit!

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Fluttershy lived in a quaint little cottage, just on the outskirts of Ponyville over an old stone bridge. Frankly, he really would have preferred to stay back at the Apple family's farm, even if he were roped into doing some kind of manual labor. From looking around at the full fields, that would probably be the case. Ryan really wasn't too surprised that, similar to Purple's library, Fluttershy's home was also part tree. He didn't feel particularly comfortable about sleeping in the same building as Fluttershy, but if it got him a bed, then things couldn't be too awful.

The poor, poor bastard.

For a moment, Ryan wondered how in the hell said tree-houses were made. The ridiculous notion struck him that there were possibly trees running about, humping buildings.

_And that's how baby tree houses are made._

He stifled a snicker, though it did very little to distract him from the sheer terror he felt. As they neared the cottage, he could swear he felt the eyes of the Yellow Menace boring into the back of his skull. Outside, there was an elderly tan pony in a straw hat, tending to a small garden in the front.

"Huh. Nice place." Ryan said conversationally, stopping to get a decent look at the place.

"Why, thank you very much, Mister Gorilla," Fluttershy said without stopping. She opened the front door and trotted inside, not stopping for Ryan to catch up. He started after her, but as soon as the gardener saw Fluttershy leave his sight, he crept over to Ryan.

"Oy! Laddie!"

"… 'The fuck do you want." He responded, crossing his arms. Quite frankly, he was tired enough to stop caring about whatever trap Fluttershy potentially had planned.

"I've got a name, lad." The Scottish sounding pony said to him, and beckoned him closer so he could whisper. Ryan leaned down, listening closely. The pony drew himself up, and spoke dramatically.

"There are some who call me…" he paused for effect. "… Tim."

Ryan shoved the pony out of his face, flipping him off as he did so. Besides, his breath smelled like onions. "That's all you had to fuckin' say? _Seriously?_" However, it was nice to find somepony who actually had a normal sounding name.

The tan earth pony facehoofed, drawing Ryan closer to the window, where he pointed. He briefly wondered if perhaps Fluttershy were some kind of psychopathic serial killer, and the gardener was trying to give him some kind of cryptic message. Heart racing, Ryan peered into the dark room, but he couldn't see much aside from some furniture and a small white sleeping rabbit.

"… What?"

"There he is!" Tim the gardener whispered in fear.

"Where?" Ryan asked, cupping his hands around his eyes and staring into the room.

"There!" and he jabbed a quivering hoof at the sleeping rabbit.

Confused, Ryan asked "What? Behind the rabbit?"

Tim facehoofed again, groaning. "It _is_ the rabbit!"

Ryan slapped him in the back of the head immediately. "Frickin' retard!"

"What?" Tim asked, rubbing the back of his head. He sounded hurt.

"You got me all worked up!" he whispered furiously, clenching his fists.

"That is no ordinary rabbit!" Tim said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Then again, considering his current predicament, something new and strange really wouldn't be all too new and strange. He was talking to a Scottish pony, after all. "

"Oh," Ryan replied, gazing over at the sleeping rabbit again. It took nearly a full moment of the enormous level of stupidity of the entire situation to settle on him. He'd just agreed with a talking Scottish pony about dangerous rabbits. He was beginning to get angry at himself for rolling with it in the first place.

"That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

"_Bullshit!_" Ryan muttered angrily. "I almost crapped myself; you had me so freaked out!"

"Look that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide!" Tim insisted, stomping the soft ground. "It's a _killer_!"

"… Get bent." Ryan said, rolling his shoulders and standing up to go inside after Fluttershy.

"He'll do you up a treat, mate!" Tim the gardener quietly called after him, trying to keep his voice down.

"Oh, yeah?" Ryan responded, waving flippantly over his shoulder as he opened the door.

"_I'm warning you!_"

"What's he gonna do?" Ryan chuckled. "_Nibbwe at my widdwe bottom?_"

"He's got huge, sharp…" Tim tried to warn him, waving his two front hooves about. "… er… He can leap about, and… haven't you seen the _bones_?" he sounded quite desperate.

Which, of course, only made it funnier to Ryan.

"Pfft." He sniggered, marching inside the dimly lit cottage. "I'll make fuckin' rabbit stew out of him." He wasn't the least bit worried about some cartoon rabbit going on a killing spree. Especially not when he had a potentially dangerous Fluttershy to deal with. Speaking of which…

"Hey, Yellow! You in here?" he asked, peeking his head around a corner. Seeing no one, he continued into the same room he'd seen the rabbit sleeping in. As a matter of fact, the last time he'd seen the rabbit, it was sleeping like a baby on a comfortable looking sofa. It wasn't there anymore, however. His hands fumbled over the wall for a light switch, before he remembered that ponies probably didn't even have electricity. Frustrated, he reached into his pocket for his handy Zippo lighter, which he kept right next to his phone-

"Fuck, don't have those." He grumbled. The inside pockets of the new pants Rarity made for him felt oddly silky – he was starting to miss his jeans, filthy, ripped and grimy though they may have been. Instead, he felt about in the dark for some kind of match. Ponies had matches, right?

After a couple of minutes of finding nothing, and since the moonlight streaming in through the window wasn't enough to really see by, he gave up and started toward the doorway when an oil light flickered into life.

"Oh, good. Thanks, Flutter – bunny?"

Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the small white rabbit from earlier was standing atop a desk, next to the oil light. How the hell he got it lit was beyond Ryan.

"Oh, it's you. Uh… hi." Ryan said lamely, lifting a hand.

The rabbit simply glared at him, crossing his arms temperamentally and tapping one of its feet. From the looks of it, Ryan had just ruined its sleep, and it wasn't too happy about it.

Kneeling down in front of the desk, Ryan looked right into the tiny black eyes of the rabbit. What followed was, quite possibly, one of the stupidest things Ryan had ever done.

And that's a pretty big list to top.

"Aw, hewwo dew, wittle fewwo!"

The rabbit's foot stopped, mid-tap. For a second, it just stared at him, as if it couldn't believe the events transpiring nearly a foot in front of it.

"Awen't yew a cuddwy widdew fart? Aw, is yew angwy? Yew _is_ angwy, awen't yew!" the baby babble continued from Ryan, and he could clearly see that the rabbit spent a lot of time around Fluttershy from the familiar dangerous eye-twitch. The rabbit made no other moves aside from that. It simply stood stock still.

Ryan, the genius that he is, took this as a sign of inhibition.

The poor, poor bastard.

"See, yew isn't gonna hewt anybody, no yew isn't! 'Cause yew is just a widdwe bitty _wetawd,_ yes you is!"

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"… widdwe bitty _wetawd_, yes you is!" and that was the last thing that Tim the gardener heard as he was trotting away, before the sounds of shattering glass and splintered wood reached his ears. Shortly following the two was the sound of a squishy human body making heavy and painful impact at high speed with the ground, which, in turn, was followed by a rather large study desk and more broken glass.

"I warned you," Tim the Scottish gardener muttered darkly to himself as he trotted away beneath the dim moonlight. "but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you _knew_, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little _bunny_, isn't it?"

The sounds of more heavy objects came out the window behind him, landing with heavy _thuds _atop a rather squishy human body.

The poor, poor bastard.

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_Chaos. Why is it always chaos?_

_Ryan found himself drifting in a half-sleep, whorls of color spinning about him. He couldn't tell if he were inside Da Vinci's drug fueled nightmares or a massive pile of vomit created by a child that had eaten too many different types of Play-dough._

"Ah, there you are. You certainly have a nasty habit of-"

"_Nope," Ryan answered immediately, and although he couldn't seem to feel his body, his voice drifted ephemerally out from the direction he was looking in._

"… Excuse me?" _the voice answered back, and for a split second, the whirling twirling whirlwind of chaos slowed, and through the gap Ryan could have sworn he saw a garden full of statues. A split second later, however, it was gone._

"_Just point me toward the exit, buddy. I don't have time for bullshit." Ryan said to the voice. "I've had my fill of weird shit for one day, thank you. Unless this is hell, I mean. Because if it is, tell Satan he has got a _lot_ of work to do. I mean, just look at this dump."_

_The colors danced back and forth, and Ryan suddenly got the impression that he was the only one that could see them. Not only that, but they were obstructing his view. Of something… larger. The echoing voice laughed again, but not a cruel laugh. It sounded mildly amused, really. Whimsical, and yet…_

_There was something sinister about it._

_It seemed like the laughter echoed on forever._

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Laughter was the last thing Ryan heard as he was violently shoved back into consciousness. And, judging from the massive headache, he'd have preferred being sent to hell.

He tried prying open his eyes, only to find that an oil lamp had been placed near his head. He quickly closed them again, as the light was bright enough to blind him. He could still hear laughter; it sounded like someone far away, but it was quickly fading from his ears. From what he could tell from his single glimpse, it was still nighttime, although quite a bit of time had passed.

He found himself lying on his back on a rather comfortable sofa, and feeling his head with his fingertips revealed that there was a bit of blood on his hands. It felt like he'd gotten some nasty cuts on his chest and the back of his legs, too.

And after all the trouble he'd gone through getting the damned bandages off, he was going to need more.

He started to sit up without opening his eyes, only to find a hoof pushing him back down. "Now, now, Mister Gorilla. We wouldn't want you hurting yourself anymore, now would we, Angel?"

At the sound of Fluttershy's voice, he nearly emptied his bowels.

His eyes jerked back open, despite the pain. "Shit!" he exclaimed, struggling to get up, but the small rabbit launched itself onto his chest, knocking him back down. It stood on top of him like a conquered hill, pointing a half-eaten carrot in his face like a sword. It glared venomously at him, before Fluttershy shooed him away with a smile.

"Oh, now now, Angel," she said softly. "I think it knows better than to go getting up again after I did my best trying to _help_ it."

_Sweet Jesus, she named that demon?_

"After all," she continued, looking directly into Ryan's eyes. And, needless to say, he suddenly felt more than a little vulnerable with her hoof still planted on his chest. "If it were to try to run away, Mister Gorilla might mysteriously find it's _legs broken_, hmm? Then we'd have no choice but to take care of the poor thing, now isn't that right?"

"… Hey, Flutter-bitch." Ryan strained to say much more bravely than he felt. It was a little _pony_, for fuck's sake. Then again, he was wrong about the rabbit… "You wouldn't happen to be friends with a guy named Steven King, would you?"

He felt a sudden pressure on his chest, and they screamed out in pain. From the force with which he'd been chucked out the window, he guessed that the vorpal bunny might have fractured one of his ribs.

He slowly blacked out, the edges of his vision blurring, despite his best efforts to remain conscious. After as much damage as he'd just taken, though, it simply wasn't possible. Darkness filled his vision, and he soon knew no more.

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Ryan groaned, refusing to open his eyes.

What greeted him was the most wonderful, amazing smell in the world.

Freshly brewed coffee.

He felt the mattress underneath him shift as he moved. So nice of Clara to be making coffee, this early in the morning… after the little spat they had last night, he figured he wasn't even going to see the morning. Arguing with a previous mental patient is never a good idea, really.

How did he end up in bed, anyway? After she tried to poison him, he could have sworn he remembered police and nurses involved…

No, it was just a bad dream. That call to Carlos had never happened. Victor still needed him today, he had so much to do… if only he could remember what it was. Tim would probably remind him…

_Tiny Tim, in Children's, or Tim the Gardener?_

He didn't know any gardeners, that was just a bad dream. Clara was making coffee, she wasn't trying to kill him, everything was going to be fine. Just as soon as he could get to his cousins, maybe after that-

"Sleep well?" Fluttershy's voice drifted to him. His eyes jerked open, and everything came flooding back to him in a – JESUS CHRIST SHE WAS STARING RIGHT AT HIM.

"_FUCK KNUCKLES!" _Ryan screamed, jerking away from Fluttershy, who had been mere inches from his face. And who knew for just how long she'd been watching him…? He soon discovered that leaping away was a bad idea, as he was still on the sofa, his legs dropping over the edge. His ribs burned in pain, and he grabbed them and tried to slow his breathing to ease the pain.

Much to his surprise and general discomfort, underneath his shirt, he felt fresh bandages. Not only that, but his head had been wrapped in clean bandages, much more neatly and carefully tied than the ones he had before. But that wasn't what made him uncomfortable.

No, he was uncomfortable because he simultaneously discovered that he had bandages on his legs, beneath his makeshift pants.

He felt his face flush, and he glared at her. He wasn't giving her the satisfaction of seeing him in pain. "Just fuckin' dandy, thanks." He said, peering around for the rabbit. As soon as he found that little bastard, he was going to _mangle_ him. All the bunny had was the element of surprise, _that's _the reason the little bunny kicked his ass. And nothing else.

It creeped him out, how she just continued about like nothing had even happened. A sweet, serene little smile on her face, and she occasionally whistled a happy tune. It took Ryan a while to figure out that he didn't have to worry about Fluttershy springing any kind of trap.

He was pretty sure he'd already walked right into it.

_When I get my hands on that guard-bunny…_ he thought vehemently. After a few minutes, he struggled to get to his feet and dragged himself into the dining area of the cottage. It was neatly lined with pots and pans, all sorts of vegetables and spices. Seeing a couple of metal pans of coffee simmering and steaming on the stove, Ryan grumbled and grabbed a tiny china cup. Fluttershy watched him from another room, but said nothing.

So, Fluttershy was going to play the _nothing out of the ordinary, here_ card, then. Fine. Let her pretend things were normal. He was getting the fuck out of here, before he got killed. He dropped into one of the small wooden chairs, chugging back hot coffee as he did so.

Ryan almost immediately choked, spitting it out with a sputter.

He gagged at the taste, shaking his head violently to get it off of his tongue.

"Oh, my. Is something the matter, Mister Gorilla?" Fluttershy asked innocently as she trotted into the kitchen, wings tight at her side. Angel was still nowhere to be seen, which didn't help matters.

"_Hack! Blech!_ Christ, 'the _fuck_ do you think?" he spat, dropping the cup with a _tink!_ "What kind of coffee is-" he stopped short, looking into the bottom of the cup and finding a clump of tan fur. On further analysis, however, he discovered that it might have been originally white.

"Oh, _now_ I see," Fluttershy said quietly with a little grin. "you probably tried drinking Angel's bath water. He likes hot baths in the mornings."

It took all of Ryan's strength not to vomit on the spot.

"Oh, _ew._"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

"Why the _fuck_ didn't you warn me?" he demanded, towering over her.

"Well, Mister Gorilla," she said defensively, "maybe I might be more _inclined_ to give warnings to those who aren't such _jerks_ to my close friends!"

He felt a rush of anger, and he clenched his fists before it hit him like a ton of bricks.

Oh.

Oh.

_Oh._

_So that's what all this is about._

Ryan sighed, unclenching his fists and drooping a bit. He gingerly lowered himself onto one knee, stooping down enough to bring himself to eye level with the Yellow Menace. He looked her dead in the eye, and he insisted to himself that he'd never seen a stare so fierce as the one she was giving him. It took all his effort not to flinch from it.

"Look." He said, staring right back. "No, I mean_ look_ at me." and he placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to think of the best way to express himself.

"I know you don't like me," he started uncomfortably. "and as a matter of fact, from what your friends have probably told you, they don't really like me much, either."

Fluttershy was starting to look a little uncomfortable as well, and her wings pulled in tighter as she nervously stepped back and forth lightly.

"But I'm going to ask you to do one – _one_ – thing for me. I will promise; you have my word, that I will never – _never_ – hurt one of your friends. So long as you quit trying to make my life miserable. Okay?" he said, continuing the small staring contest the two were having. By this point, it wasn't so much a staring contest as it was an awkward truce.

"How… how do I know you can keep your word?" she asked mistrustfully, standing her ground.

At any other time, Ryan would have laughed. She had a damned good point; his word wasn't worth anything at all. However, Ryan meant what he said. He had absolutely no intention whatsoever of hurting any of these little ponies. He vowed that, the moment he knelt down in front of her.

_Rabbits, on the other hand…_

"… Okay. Here. Take this," Ryan said, gently pulling out the small faded photograph as he dropped to the ground. The pain was making it unbearable to stay upright anymore, so he just sat and leaned against the kitchen wall, his legs sticking out oddly.

She held it in her hoof, as if it were a butterfly she were scared of frightening away. It puzzled Ryan to no end how she managed to open it with her hooves, but she did it with apparent ease.

"… Oh, my." She said softly, and her eyes slightly less hard for a moment.

"… I want you to keep that."

She gave him a confused look, gazing back at the photograph, then back at him.

"That's… all I have left of them. Those two kids, in that picture? That's my family, man. They're all that's left. And I gotta protect them," Ryan said slowly, and the words felt alien passing his lips. Old memories resurfaced painfully, and he forgot the cuts and lacerations. Old wounds hurt the most.

"… I promised her I'd take care of her kids. And I did a damned poor job of doin' it, too. And they're a really, _really_ long ways away from here. And right now, they need me to help them. That promise that I made you?" he said, taking her empty hoof in his hand and giving her a serious look.

"That promise means just as much to me as the other. And I promise, that I will do whatever it takes to protect those kids. Not just my family, but the ones here, too."

_Ohana means 'family'._

_And family means nobody gets left behind, Twilight had finished for him._

For a while, the strange pair simply stared at each other before Fluttershy dropped her head. At first, Ryan thought that Yellow had some other snide comment, but when she brought her head back up, he saw that her eyes were glistening with tears.

_Aw, crap._

Yes, it might be some stupid macho thing. But Ryan had never been able to tolerate seeing people cry, and _especially_ not a girl. Pony or not. And he'd never forgive himself if he were the one that caused it.

She quickly rubbed them away with her free hoof, and folded the picture back up. After a couple of seconds, she unfolded it again and tacked it to the wall. She cleared her throat, saying, "This… this is really all you have left?"

"Aside from the clothes on my back, but really, I'd kind of like to keep those."

Fluttershy let out a rare giggle, the wings on her side shivering a bit. He couldn't figure out why her Cutie Mark was butterflies, and it hadn't occurred to him before now.

"Well, you see…" she began slowly as she opened up one of the kitchen drawers. "Angel found this lying around not too long ago, and brought it back to me. I've never seen anything like it, so, maybe…" she left the end off, pulling out the last thing Ryan expected to see.

It certainly wasn't cigarettes, but it was one step closer.

"My Zippo!" he cried happily, reaching out for it. "Aw, sweet!" he gave it a couple of flicks, and after a few tries, the familiar flame sprang up. Fluttershy jumped at the sight, surprised, but seemed to get over her initial shock after he closed the lid and stuck it in his pocket.

Fluttershy cleared her throat again, prancing back and forth a little uncomfortably, although she had a small smile on her face. And this time, Ryan wasn't terrified of having his legs broken. He started to get to his feet, though he dropped back down again, letting out a grunt of pain as his hand shot to his ribs.

"Oh, careful!" she said, helping him to his feet. He placed his hand on her back for support, and gently lifted himself up.

"Nah, I'm good." He said forcefully, clenching his teeth. "I'll be fine. 'Sides, I'll bet Ora- uh, Applejack could use some help with that orchard of hers."

Fluttershy quickly shook her head, her eyes hardening again. "Oh, _no you don't_. You're in _no_ condition to-"

"Yeah, and whose fault is that?" Ryan said automatically, and seeing her drop her head in shame gave him a flare of guilt.

"… The fuckin' rabbit, that's whose." Ryan chuckled, cracking his knuckles. "Just wait till I find that little bastard; I'll give him a run for his money!" he said overoptimistically, punching the air like a boxer. Of course, that had to be the precise moment that a familiar little white rabbit stalked coolly into the kitchen, a tiny wet brown towel thrown over one shoulder.

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done...

"Uh… Hi, Angel." Ryan said weakly.

The poor, poor bastard.

**I'm always grateful for the awesome follows and reviews you lovely people seem to hand out. Thanks again, my minions. ;3**


	10. Ch10: 8-Bits By Bits

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Fluttershy really wasn't all that bad, once you got to know her.

Well, and once you got past the crippling evident psychosis. In hindsight, perhaps dropkicking the rabbit wasn't the _best_ idea Ryan ever had. Although, the fact that Angel immediately opened up a can of whoop-ass afterwards prevented Fluttershy from taking any further action aside from insisting bed rest.

Ryan spent most of the day bored out of his skull.

"Now, you stay right there, _and I mean it!_"

Ryan glared at her coldly, hands folded neatly across his lap.

"Er, um… if… if that's… okay with you, I mean…"

He silently waved Fluttershy off, closing his eyes to take a nap. Or, at least, that's the impression he was giving. As soon as she was gone, however, Ryan slipped back up. Tightening his bandages, he took a few cautionary steps. He winced at his ribs, but decided it'd be fine if he didn't stretch too far on the right side. He quickly scanned the area, making sure than Fluttershy hadn't come back for anything she'd forgotten. Like the demon bunny. Seeing neither of them, he relaxed a little.

_Close enough._

And with that, Ryan Miller slipped silently away.

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"Wassup, Orange?"

Applejack jerked awake, falling to the ground with an _Oomph!_ as she did so. She hadn't even noticed she'd fallen asleep; the last thing she remembered was…

Desperately trying to finish with this _bucking orchard_. She groaned, rubbing her eyes. "Howdy, partner," she said, stifling a yawn.

"Christ, you look like shit."

Always the subtle gentleman, Ryan.

Applejack stopped halfway through her yawn, hoof half covering her mouth. Her hat was cocked at an odd angle, and she had deep bags beneath her eyes. Most of her hair was matted where she'd fallen asleep, and she looked as if she were ready to collapse at any given moment.

Ryan may have been many different things, but occasionally, accurate was one of them.

"W-whadd're y'all doin' here?" Applejack asked, looking around. Much to her surprise, Ryan wasn't the only one with her in the orchard.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and even Rarity had come out to help, each of them carrying empty woven baskets. Twilight gave Ryan a knowing wink, and said "Oh, you know. A little bird told us you could use some help."

"Yuppie duppie guppie! 'Cause he's a bird now, I guess!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly, prancing about while balancing three baskets on her head. "But I haven't seen him fly yet, so he's probably just a _really_ ugly ostrich! Ooh, or a dodo! He's got legs like a dodo, but he flies like a penguin!"

"… That means, not at all," Pinkie stage-whispered to him conspiratorially.

Ryan shoved her off with a grin, lifting up a basket beneath his left arm. "Yeah, yeah. Sweet. We gonna get this over with?"

"Now, hold up!" Applejack demanded, stomping her hoof. "Ah ain't needin' _nopony's_ help, an-"

"AJ, look at yourself," Twilight interrupted. "You've been running yourself ragged, and the only pony _not_ getting help is you."

"Yeah," Ryan interjected. "what kind of shitty friends would you have, if they just let you do all the work yourself? Then again," he said slowly, scratching his chin. "I wouldn't mind _not_ doing anything. Hell, that's one of my favorite things to do."

Applejack stared at them all for a moment, before dipping her head with a grin. "… All right, all right. Y'all are slipperier than a greased pig in a mud pit."

"Hah! We're gonna be done in ten seconds, flat!" Skittles burst out, hefting up two empty baskets and zipping through the air toward the far end of the orchard. Rarity deftly lifted a single basket telekinetically, looking with disdain toward the field of apple trees. "… Oh, very well. But if I see so much as a _single_ speck of dirt…!"

Ryan watched as Twilight's horn glowed brightly for a moment, and a large number of the apples reflected with the violet light. A huge mass of them slowly lifted into the air, dropping one by one into the baskets. She looked fairly pleased with her little trick. He grinned, plucking a few apples from the trees with his hands.

It sure as hell was faster than kicking them down, like Applejack was trying to do.

_Speaking of the Apple family…_

"Hey, Orange." Ryan said conversationally, trying not to stretch too much and pull his bandages into any more uncomfortable positions. "Isn't that big red one, uh…"

"Big Mac." Applejack finished for him.

Ryan withheld a snicker. It was just very funny to him hearing a pony say that. "Yeah, Big Mac. How come he's not out here kickin' this shit down? Hell, with the muscles on that dude, he could probably do all the work by himself." He was hopeful for a moment; the more apples he picked, the more he was reminded of just how much he loathed working for anything, and the thought of getting someone else to do it for him was a pleasing prospect. In the distance, he heard Skittles rambling on about some kind of griffin to Pinkie, but he ignored her.

"He usually does," Applejack admitted as she shifted another basket away, and brought an empty one over to the tree she was working on. "but he hurt himself last time, so ah'm pickin' up the slack. Hey, speakin' a' hurtin', how come yer all bandaged up again?"

He paused, unwilling to tell her the truth. After a couple moments of hesitation, he continued picking apples without looking her in the eye, and said "I, uh… had an accident."

Applejack snorted knowingly, giving him a sly grin as she weakly bucked another tree. "Oh, an accident, huh? It wouldn't happen to be a _bunny_ shaped accident, now would it?"

Ryan froze, and his heart jumped into his throat in fear. He'd seen Fluttershy leave that morning; the only possible way Orange could have possibly known that was…

"Eeyup. She figured you'd try an' run off. Ain't seen Spike runnin' around these parts much today, have ya'?"

It took Ryan all of a split second to put it together. He hadn't seen Spike helping because _Spike wasn't there._

"Aw, fuck!"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Fluttershy said quietly as she stood behind him.

It was a good thing Ryan was wearing brown pants.

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"Hey, _watch_ it, ya' dumb broad!"

"Same to ya', _buttface!_" the Griffin spat angrily as she shoved her way past Ryan, stomping angrily down the sidewalk of Ponyville. Twilight seemed mortified.

"… Nice girl." Ryan said offhandedly, not even breaking stride next to Twilight. She shot him a tilted look of confusion, which he mirrored.

"… What?"

She shook her head, her mane flopping forward and back as she did so. Spike sat with a rather pleased look on his face atop her back, fist-deep in a small tub of ice cream. Ryan stared at him for a moment, wondering if he could punt the little snitch then and there and still get away with it.

So far, he hadn't been presented with any opportunity to do so.

_But my time will come, you little shit. Just you wait…_

Spike, oblivious to the daggers Ryan was glaring at him, shoved more minty ice cream in his face, slurping at it loudly. A rather long, serpentine tongue occasionally flickered out of his mouth, wrapping its way around the inside of the tub. Disgusted, Ryan looked away as they continued down the street toward the library. Today had been a hell of a day.

He was a little shocked he'd even escaped the wrath of Fluttershy's attack rabbit.

According to Twilight, he'd always have a place to stay at her home/library, and they'd even accommodated the bed for his… gratuitous size. Something caught his eye as they walked in relative silence, however. A glint on the edge of a small, free-swinging sign outside a dirty, worn down building with a single picture of a multi-colored mug. Below it, in _ye olde English_ style (pony style?) were the ancient etchings of what looked to be…

"The Eight Bits?" Ryan muttered quizzically, and Twilight followed his line of sight.

"Oh, that old place," she said conversationally. "Never been in there, myself. From what little I've heard, it's pretty old. And I haven't heard many good things about it."

"Yeah, no shit." Ryan agreed, jabbing a thumb at one of the boarded up windows. He could see a dim light through the cracks, however, and the low rumble of voices inside.

After a couple moments of contemplation, Twilight said "Spike and I are going ahead to the library. You could check the place out before you catch up, you know…" she finished suggestively.

Ryan scratched the back of his head, letting his hand run through his greasy black hair. He thought for a couple moments, and grinned.

"… Yeah. You go on ahead," he said, shooing the pair off. "I'll catch up in a few. Lemme just check this dump out first."

"… Okay, then," Twilight said uncertainly. "Just make sure you're not late to that party Pinkie was talking about."

"Wha-?" Ryan asked. To be honest, he'd completely forgotten about anything Pinkie had said about parties. Then again, he was probably ignoring her when she was talking. In his defense, that was really the only way to spend longer than a few minutes around Pinkie without going insane.

"The party," she reiterated slowly, as if he were being stupid on purpose. "Sugarcube Corner. Remember? Rainbow's friend?"

When none of this seemed to be ringing any bells, Twilight said "Gilda?"

"…"

"… The griffin?"

"… Uh…"

"Oh, for Celestia's sake!" Twilight groaned. "Just make sure-" she dropped off, letting out a loud shriek. Spike slipped off her back, grasping at his nearly empty tub of ice cream.

"Spike, you got it in my _mane!_"

_Whelp, not getting in the middle of this one._

Although it brought him a great level of satisfaction seeing Spike in trouble, he budged the door open to the 8-Bits, and stomped inside.

Had he any idea of the events that would transpire, he'd have likely turned tail and fled into that 'Everfree Forest' he'd heard about, and never turn back.

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"Yeah, she's just a big meanie!" Pinkie said, blowing a raspberry as she filled yet another cup with punch.

Rainbow Dash chuckled, sidling up next to her and getting a cup for herself. "Ah, she'll come around eventually… I hope." She seemed a little disappointed at her expectations of her old friend.

"Come on, Dashie!" Pinkie said cheerfully, playfully tipping her with one hoof and taking a huge swig of her punch. "You can't let Gilda get you down; besides, look at all these ponies here!" she waved her hoof around at the crowd, and, indeed, there were an awful lot of ponies. Pinkie had been eyeing the crowd continuously, but a six foot tall hairless ape would be pretty easy to spot…

"Are you _sure_-" Pinkie started again.

"_Yes, _Pinkie." Twilight said firmly. "For the last time, I'm positive he'll be here."

"Oh, good!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Because nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise!"

"_YES_, Pinkie." She hoped he'd be here soon… she was starting to get a little worried, though she was loathe admitting it. She could have sworn…

No. It must just be her imagination.

She hoped.

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Ryan took a deep breath as he stepped out of the sunlight, letting his eyes adjust to the dim lighting.

It wasn't nearly as dusty in the 8-Bits as he had expected it to be. As a matter of fact, it wasn't nearly as empty as he had expected, either.

The place was practically _bursting_ with life, noise clamoring from all over the place. It actually took him several moments longer to let the surroundings settle in than he anticipated.

From what he could see, the 8-Bits looked like a strange cross between an old style Western bar and a well-kept modern bar, with glass and wood intermingling at odd places. The entire pub was filled with ponies of all sorts of different colors and sizes. He could even swear he saw a few younger ones sitting together at a table. What were they called again? Foals? Fillies?

Whatever. Kids were kids. And judging from the bars Ryan had been in, bars were _no_ place for kids.

There were Pegasi and unicorns all over the place, but not nearly so many as there were the earth ponies. One bright red Pegasus sat over in a corner, struggling with what looked almost like an imitation arcade machine. A couple of coins adorned his flank, and he strained against a small screwdriver before something in the machine broke off with a _snap!_ The Pegasus swore quietly, pulling another screwdriver out and fiddling with it some more.

Looking around, Ryan could see that there were only a couple of empty seats, one of which being the stools at the bar. Since it was the closest one to him, he shrugged and clambered atop it. It was surprisingly comfortable, as far as bar stools go, and he found that he could easily adjust the height with a small lever on the side. On either side of him sat two ponies, each of them drowning their woes in drink.

That sight made Ryan's heart leap with joy.

Not seeing the ponies miserable; that was only slightly satisfying. No, his real source of happiness came from the mugs sitting in front of them and _Oh please god oh please oh please don't let it be Root Beer…!_

In the confusion, Ryan had failed to notice two things.

Firstly, he was sitting directly between two very angry bar dwellers.

The one on his right was a blue Pegasus, madly scribbling away at scraps of paper, some of which had slipped underneath a multitude of empty mugs.

Secondly, the inhabitant on his left wasn't even a pony.

It was a very angry, very surprised, and in comparison, very _short_ human.

"Who the _crap_ are you?"

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	11. Ch11: A Faustian Bargain

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Ryan was in a state of shock.

For one, there was _another human_.

Secondly, nopony else in the bar seemed to notice or care about their existence.

And, finally…

"Christ, you're a _jerk_."

"The name's _Dan_! And watch who you're callin' a _jerk_, jerk!" the comparatively much smaller man stood atop the bar stool, roughly yanking Ryan down to his height by the front of his collar. The spiky black hair, beady green eyes, and sharp little teeth made him look like an exceptionally vicious garden gnome.

Dan wore a plain pair of blue jeans (which Ryan was slightly envious of, he missed his own) and a black tee shirt, with the word 'JERK' spelled out in white block letters. Quite frankly, he looked as if he hadn't bathed or shaved in a while.

Then again, so did Ryan.

"… Okay, I'm gonna say this _real _slow, so you can understand…" Ryan enunciated slowly as he attempted to pry the smaller man's hands away from his collar. Which was more difficult than he thought it would be, he had an _iron _grip. "I. Will. _Break_. You."

The two had been arguing for nearly the past ten minutes straight, and the poor blue Pegasus next to them just sighed heavily and went back to scribbling, chugging down another mug of what Ryan unhappily discovered was only cider. The bartender, who still had yet to say a single word, simply wiped off the counter with the exact same old rag he'd been using. The counter couldn't have looked any cleaner, though; it seemed to have a thick layer of glass over the wooden top.

"Oh, yeah, _tough _guy?" Dan threatened, balling up his fists. "You and what army?"

An egg-white hoof came down gently atop the shoulder of Dan, and behind him, Ryan could see a pony with brightly colored light and dark blue hair, eyes hidden behind a pair of large sunglasses. Why she was wearing them inside was beyond Ryan.

"Come on, man. Don't start _that _again-"

"_Shove it!" _both Dan and Ryan shouted immediately. Sunglasses sharply withdrew her hoof, holding both of them up in surprise. The fact that she could display surprise was impressive enough, considering how much of her face the sunglasses covered. The only two humans in the bar looked back at each other, eyes widening slightly.

"… Ppffpfftnk."

"Bwa-hahahahaha!"

It took all of about four seconds for the two to burst out into hysterics, leaving one very confused Vinyl Scratch backing slowly away.

Dan clapped Ryan on the shoulder, sitting back down on the stool. "You know, you're not so bad!"

"I get that a lot." Ryan said, waving over at the bartender. Despite the events that transpired, the lime green pony looked fairly bored. _Very _bored, now that Ryan thought about it…

The fact that this fully grown one didn't have a cutie mark made things slightly… odder.

"You kinda remind me of my good friend, Chris!"

"Well, that's good to kn-"

"He's an enormous, brain-dead, lazy, gluttonous, useless lummox."

"I get that a lot."

Dan chuckled again, picking up a mug of the cider and chugging it quickly. Ryan looked at his suspiciously. He hadn't ordered anything, and the lime green bartender had simply placed it before him wordlessly before continuing his endless task of wiping the counter, before the picked up a small mop in his hands and stalked off toward one of the tables where the younger fillies had spilled something.

"Ah, it's not gonna kill ya'." Dan said reassuringly. "And, hey. If it does, I'll bury the body for ya'. No thanks necessary."

"… 'The fuck _is _it?" Ryan asked, swirling it around a bit. "All I've really had since I got here was… well, just some apples and water."

"See? _This _is what's wrong with this dump," Dan complained loudly. Ryan could have sworn he saw the returning bartender's eye twitch slightly. "you can't even get a good steak here!"

Ryan was about agree wholeheartedly with him, but paused. Pinkie had said something about other humans being in Equestria, but not being _in _Equestria…

"So…" Ryan tried changing the topic nonchalantly, "… how did you get here?"

"Through the door. _Duh_."

Ryan facepalmed, thinking quickly. "No, I meant… uh, here. With all these ponies."

"Not a clue. It probably has something to do with my evil telemarketer clone, though."

Well, so much for getting information on a quick way home. Knowing his luck though, he'd probably just wind up even further away.

Ryan sighed, finally taking a small sip of the cider. It wasn't too bad, really; it was a bit spicier than he expected, with a zingy aftertaste. Pleasant. "Well, that settles it. I'm fucked."

"Hey, buddy, look on the bright side!" Dan exclaimed with a grin, finishing off his own mug. Those sharp little teeth didn't make his smile look any friendlier, though. "… Uh…" he thought for a moment, scratching his black goatee.

After a couple of moments, he slammed his mug on the counter nearly hard enough to make it crack. "I got nothin'. Best case scenario, we both die, cold and alone in a no-win situation."

"See, now _that's_ my kind of luck." Ryan shrugged with a self-pitying sigh. He shoved it off, though; self-pity never helped anyone.

"Hey, bartender!" Dan shouted to the lime green pony, despite the fact that he was only feet away. "Got anything stronger than this swill for my friend, here?"

For the first time, Ryan actually heard the bored bartender speak. He had a deep, gravelly voice, yet somehow managed to sound cool and collected simultaneously. "Nothing until after dark."

Well, that was one good sign. There might actually be alcohol should he come back later. Ryan perked up slightly at this. He checked his wrist, before remembering that he didn't own a watch. Dan, seeing this, asked "What, am I _boring _you now?" offended.

It had been nearly twenty minutes since he'd entered the 8-Bits, and Twilight's warning about Pinkie's party floated through his mind. He groaned inwardly, not looking forward to the hyperactive pink pony's antics. In the corner, the red Pegasus working on an arcade machine had finally managed to get something working, but it was only playing music sporadically, eventually cutting out completely. From the sounds of it, Ryan would have guessed it was something by _Tears For Fears_.

_"-There's a room where the lights won't find you-"_

"Nah, man. I've got, uh… previous engagements."

"Yuppie duppie!"

"AAAAGH!" Ryan and Dan screamed simultaneously, falling off of their stools. Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly up and down behind the bar, jabbering to them both.

"Ohmigosh, did you see the looks on your faces? I wish I could show you! Oh, wait…!" she said, stretching her face out to the limits and giving her best horrified expression with a _blaaagh!_, her tongue hanging out. She collapsed into a fit of giggles, laughing hysterically.

And with that, she dropped back beneath the counter.

"GODDAMMIT, PINKIE, YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART… attack?" he finished with a near whisper, peering behind the empty counter, save for the bartender. "… How…?"

Dan struggled back up to the counter, gasping for breath. "Gonna…. _Mangle_….!" He choked, clutching his left side.

Ryan glared with confusion and a little bit of fear at the bartender. "Where is she?!"

He shrugged, shifting a couple of hefty looking bottles behind him around. "No idea. She does that sometimes."

"You can't just go around, breaking the laws of physics all _willy-nilly_!" Dan roared at the bartender, who simply gave him a level look. This lime green pony was unshakeable.

He cleared his throat, setting the bottles down for a moment. "Excuse me, everyone. Pinkie Pie just broke the laws of physics. _Again_."

This went mainly unnoticed, except for a couple of ponies near the door that chuckled quietly before going back to their drinks.

"See?" he said, the drooping, bored expression never leaving his face. "We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits."

"I'm telling you, Dan. This whole place is making me lose my – Dan?" Ryan asked, turning on the spot. However, the little angry man was nowhere to be seen. He also noticed that the music had cut out again, and the pub had gone uncomfortably quiet.

"We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits." The bartender repeated monotonously, scrubbing at the counter once again without dropping his gaze. Now slightly uneasy, Ryan began backing away toward the door. The group of ponies he'd seen earlier simply sat and watched him back away. One of them in particular, an indigo earth pony, lightly brushed his sleeve as he passed.

"_Hail, Dawnbreaker."_

Well, that wasn't cryptic at all.

One of the other ponies sitting at the table, a dull, rust colored one, slapped his hoof away quickly. "Sorry, don't mind him," he apologized, a fleeting look of panic flittering across his equine face. "He's just a little… off. Spending too much time here does that to some ponies." He gave a nervous little chuckle, and he looked more than a little scared. Almost as much so as Ryan felt. He needed to get out of here – now.

He shoved his way past them, bursting out through the door, his heart racing in his chest as the sun beat down on him. He had no idea why that burst of panic had suddenly settled on him, and he was sweating like crazy. He turned about to face the pub, trying to catch his breath, before he turned about face once again and ran as fast as he could toward Sugarcube Corner.

_Hail, Dawnbreaker._

Why did that sound so familiar to him?

And, more importantly, why did it leave him feeling so sick when he thought about it?

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"Yay! You made it after all!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly, bouncing around Ryan.

"…'Course I did. I said I'd be here, didn't I?" Ryan grunted, crossing his arms across his chest. He refused to let any of the others know just how badly he'd been inexplicably frightened just a short while ago.

"Well, it's about _time_!" Twilight scolded him, ushering out the last of the partygoers through the front door.

"Hey, _fuck _you, Purple. I went as fast as I could."

"What could've possibly taken you _that _long?"

"I was getting a drink." He defended, glaring at her.

"Okay, but for_ that long? Really?_" she said, exasperated. He really had no idea just how much of Pinkie Twilight had to deal with, repeatedly ensuring her that Ryan would, in fact, be arriving.

"Christ, _chill out_, would you please?" he groaned, leaning against a wall. They probably wanted him to help clean up the mess from the party. "I'm gone for fifteen, twenty minutes and you try tearin' my head off!"

Twilight's head tilted slightly, confused. "… Have you seen a clock this afternoon?"

"It's mornin', dipshit." He pointed out, flipping her off angrily.

Her confusion only grew as she pointed out the window at the afternoon shadows, and gently said "… Ryan. You've been missing for the past _seven hours."_

Okay, now _that _got his attention.

"… Uh… what?" his hands dropped down to his sides lamely. She was right, when he checked the sky outside; it was late afternoon already.

"But… but that _can't_ be right!" he said, heart racing. "That's… that's impossible! Tell her – tell her I was only gone for a few minutes, right, Pink?" he pleaded to Pinkie, who was deflating balloons by popping them, leaping atop each one happily.

"Nopie-dopie-lopie! Been right here, the whole time!"

"But-but-but-but-!" Ryan stuttered, befuddled.

"She's right, Ryan." Twilight said slowly as she beckoned him down, placing a hoof carefully on top of his head. "Maybe you hit your head harder than you thought…"

"Bullshit!" Ryan shoved her away, panicking. "You were there! That old dump – the one that's bigger on the inside than it really looks! The Eight-Bits!" he was getting desperate. "You told me to go in there!"

"… Ryan, the last thing I heard from you was 'I'm gonna check something out,'" she did her best Ryan impression in a low, husky voice. "and after that, we didn't see you again all day. I've never even _heard _of any place in Ponyville called… er…"

"Eight-Bits!" Ryan shouted, clenching his fists. "I was…_ you were_…!"

Twilight and Pinkie exchanged nervous looks, before Twilight said "… Look, you've had a long day. You should get some rest, or-"

"I'm _not _crazy!" Ryan said, and he realized he'd been shouting quite a bit. He forced himself to calm down, slowing his breathing. He hadn't realized just how badly he was beginning to frighten these two.

"… Look. I just… I don't _like _things I can't explain. So, if you have any reasons or excuses as to how I just missed about seven hours out of the day, I'd _love _to hear it."

Twilight opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but didn't say anything. Ryan cursed himself for shouting at them; it probably only made them even more reluctant to tell him anything. He sagged unhappily against the wall, grinding his palms against his eyes as he thought furiously.

That bartender… he wondered if he knew something about it.

"Okay. Okay. _Okay_," Ryan repeated to himself. "I can take you to it." He said, standing up. "And then, I'll _prove _to you that I'm not loony."

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"… Is this another one of your 'eccentric' jokes?" Twilight asked, deadpanning.

"It was here! It was_ right fucking here!_" Ryan jabbed a finger at the empty street, directly at a cobblestone wall. The hanging wooden sign was gone, along with the boarded up window and rickety door. There were only stones in its. Rather dusty stones, from the looks of them. It was like the place had never even been there at all.

"I'm not makin' this shit up, I swear!" Ryan begged her.

"… I believe you." Twilight muttered softly. It was a lie, of course; but, then again, egging Ryan into thinking he really was losing his mind certainly wasn't going to help anyone in the long run.

"You… you do?" he asked uncertainly, trying to calm himself down.

_Hail, Dawnbreaker._

"Absolutely!" Twilight said with a sudden smile, perking up. "After all, there are numerous magical anomalies occurring all over Equestria, all the time; who _knows _what it could've been!" she wasn't making all of it up. For all she knew, Ryan's arrival in Equestria could have been caused by some form of magical mishap.

Ryan ran a hand raggedly through his greasy hair, thinking. "… Yeah…. Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I usually am," she stated with false confidence. And with that, she turned on the spot and made for the library. Ryan eventually left the spot where the 8-Bits had been, throwing the occasional glance over his shoulder. Who knows… maybe it really was all just figments of his imagination…

_**Well, of course it's imaginary. That's not to say it wasn't REAL.**_

Ryan jumped, looking around for the source of the voice. It almost sounded like it was echoing behind his ears, and he immediately recognized it as the same one laughing at him before, in the strange place with all the colors… and it was much clearer, more pronounced than before.

Wow, perhaps he was going crazy.

**_Oh, no, my dear boy. You're frightfully sane, I'm afraid._**

"Just _shut up!_"

Twilight, who had been carrying on a sadly one-sided conversation, jumped at his sudden outburst, looking both confused and hurt. Ryan immediately felt a twinge of guilt, both for frightening her once again and not paying attention.

"Oh, uh… not you," he said, holding up a hand. "I was, uh… contacting… the, uh… Mother Ship."

"… Contacting the Mother Ship." Twilight repeated slowly, as if he had already lost his mind long ago.

"Yeah," he lied, scratching the back of his head nervously. "you know how us _eccentric _humans get without our tinfoil, and all that." He let out a weak chuckle, hoping she bought it.

"Right…" she said, continuing to the library as if nothing had occurred. "I, er… just need to prepare another letter to Princess Celestia before dinner; I asked Spike to start on spaghetti."

Ryan was a little surprised. He didn't even know Spike _could _cook anything. To be honest, he was just expecting more apples.

"While I'm doing that, why don't you wash up?" she asked him as she opened the library door. "Because, seriously, you smell _terrible_."

"Golly gee whiz, you sure know how to boost morale," Ryan said dryly. She looked a bit nervous when she mentioned him washing up, which could just be because she thought he was off his rocker…

That, or she wasn't being entirely honest about something or other. He'd begun to pick up on her little cues after a while. What he hadn't realized, however, was that she had begun to do the same.

It was true, though. He did smell terrible.

"Just point the way." He grunted, crossing his arms across his chest. He didn't even know the ponies had bathrooms in the first place. That would have definitely been worth knowing _before _the incident with Fluttershy's garden.

Those poor flowers would never grow the same.

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Ryan latched the door behind him, lighting up a nearby oil lamp with a resigned sigh.

She definitely knew something; but he doubted he was going to drag it out of her. No, his best bet was to find some other form of information. Knowing Twilight, she probably had it written down somewhere. But that would have to wait for later.

He gingerly peeled off his hand stitched (hoof stitched?) clothes that Rarity made for him, careful not to pull too much at the bandages. The scowl on his face deepening, he realized that he couldn't get into the bath with the bandages on. Not without turning into a giant human Bandaid-prune, anyway.

The porcelain claw foot tub was just large enough for him to clamber into, but he would probably have to draw his legs up to fit in properly. Tossing the slightly crusty bandages into a wastebasket, he began filling the tub with hot water and eventually sank into it. Closing his eyes slowly, he relaxed in the nearly scalding water and let his mind drift. Events of the past few days floated through his mind, and he vaguely wondered if he really were just imagining all of this.

That'd be nice; to know that he didn't really have to worry about anything, that he was actually wrapped up in a rubber room. Unfortunately, the hot water on rabbit-wounds felt real enough to dismiss that theory almost immediately.

His fingers lingered slightly over both old wounds and new; one from being pitched through a window, two from a knife fight years ago, quite a few on the legs and ribs from Carlos…

**_Just a walking bundle of joy, aren't you?_**

Ryan nearly leaped out of the water, eyes jerking open. He was thankful that he thoughtlessly poured such a large quantity of soap into the water, as the bubbles covered quite a bit. He found that he'd suddenly become much more self-conscious than he was about five seconds ago.

"… So, you gonna show yourself, or is watching people in the bath just how you get your jollies?" Ryan asked no one in particular scornfully, glaring about the empty room.

**_Oh, please_**, the voice replied immediately. Upon reflection, it sounded more like a middle-aged man than anything else.**_ If that were the case, you'd be the last person on my list. Not nearly…' curvaceous' enough for my tastes, shall we say._**

"And what exactly is it you're sayin'?" Ryan asked the air humorlessly.

**_I mean you're not very pretty._**

"Fuck you."

**_You're not my type._**

Ryan's eye twitched in frustration. "Look, just tell me what this is about, then go the fuck away."

**_Oh, I'd forgotten how droll your type can be._**

"You couldn't have helped out in that place, the Eight-Bits?"

For a moment, he could almost hear the confusion. **_Never heard of it._**

Ryan crossed his arms, sinking further into the tub. "If you got nothin' good to say, then I ain't talkn', either."

**_Hm. And here I was, under the innocent impression that you actually wanted to go home._**

Ryan's ears perked up, and his eyes widened a little.

"Yeah, sounds great. Just listen to the little voices in my head. What could possibly go wrong with that?" he spat sarcastically, although he held onto a sliver of hope.

**_I could do so much more than send you home; I could give you power. I could make you a king._**

Ryan snorted, although he didn't dismiss the voice. "And how do I know you're not lyin', voice?"

**_If you want me to prove myself, then you have to do absolutely everything I say, when I say it. And as far as names go…_**

If Ryan could see where the voice was coming from, he'd have sworn the speaker was drawing himself up dramatically.

**_You may call me_** **Discord**.

When Ryan didn't answer, the newly dubbed 'Discord' lowly spoke.

**_… Perhaps an act of good faith is in order._**

Much to his surprise, he found that the hot water stung his wounds a lot less. Not because he couldn't feel them anymore; it was because he didn't have them anymore.

"… I'm listening."

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Ryan grumbled angrily, wrapping fresh bandages onto his bunny wounds.

He'd been pleasantly surprised to discover that this 'Discord' character had healed his cuts so willingly. At least, until Ryan 'politely' turned him down. He should've known he'd come to regret that one. The moment Ryan told Discord to do highly unspeakable things to himself with gardening equipment, the presence withdrew immediately.

And every single one of Ryan's bunny wounds had reappeared.

Turns out, open rabbit cuts and hot soap don't mix very well.

Discord even offered to give Ryan a quick-fix option, allowing him to take his place as Discord's crony with just a couple of words. Ryan dismissed him almost right off the bat. He'd had his fill of playing the part of crony before, and he'd only suffered for it.

After he finished tying off the wounds with the bandages he'd found beneath the sink, he redressed and quietly stuck his head out the door. From the sound of it, Twilight was downstairs. And, from the breaking of plates and her tone of voice, he'd say Spike had just broken something.

Or, rather, Spike was being blamed for breaking something.

Meaning that maybe…

_He said I'd have time…_

Then again, Discord had proven himself to be a fickle bastard, so he could just be lying.

_Now or never._

Ryan quietly slipped further upstairs, careful to avoid making any noise on the wooden steps. They looked like they were carved right out of the tree, but he wasn't taking any chances. He tiptoed along the edges, swiftly inching his way up to the top.

Ryan eventually found himself in the study, although the mass of scrolls he'd gone through before were missing. Skipping right by everything else, he honed in on a writing desk on a slightly elevated platform, which Discord had informed him was personally Twilight's.

Throwing a quick glance over his shoulder, he began quietly rummaging about through the drawers, until he found what he was looking for.

Just as Discord said, copies of every single letter Twilight had sent the Princess was kept on file.

_Huh. Guess he's good for something, after all._

He rapidly scanned letter after letter, careful not to mix any of them up or shift them too far out of place. He gave each one a quick onceover before moving on to the next one, picking up a few words here and there from each letter.

_… Of the preparations-_

_… all because of Applejack, before-_

_… was instead, Nightmare Moon! Precisely as-_

_… perhaps 'friendship' isn't quite-_

_… although the subject appears to frequently-_

_… knowing where that will lead, these 'Elements of Harmony' appear-_

Hang on, what was that one about a subject?

Ryan flipped back through the pages, furrowing his brow, until he found what he was looking for. He spotted the section, and read a portion of the letter as fast as he could.

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_I have been monitoring the subject closely, and it appears to possess the particular behavioral model that you had anticipated. Disregarding the fact that it is clearly suspicious, I have followed your orders to a 'T', and eagerly await further instructions. Enclosed are the biological scans you requested, although I could only gather a certain number, considering the fact that the subject was unconscious at the time, and rather uncooperative when awake. I have begun to suspect that it is not quite the abominable killing machine you had predicted, although the subject appears to frequently refer to murder as a form of problem solving. VERY frequently, actually. Most often coupled with rather graphically detailed threats and suggestions as to where particular construction implements should be forcefully placed._

Ryan had to grin at the last part. So, it would appear that Discord was telling the truth…

Twilight knew more than she was letting on.

A _lot _more.

"Dinner's getting cold, you know!" Ryan jumped, hearing the unicorn's voice drift up the stairs. He swiftly replaced everything the best he could, quietly slipping back downstairs.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time!" he shouted, hoping like hell no one had noticed his little jaunt.

"That was the first time I said it," Twilight said with a sigh, and he could hear the rustle and bustle of the two in the dining area. He wiped a bead of cold sweat off his forehead, his mind buzzing with thoughts.

So.

She knew he was going to arrive in Equestria.

And, more importantly, so did this Princess Celestia.

It was high time he got to the bottom of things, before any more time was wasted. As he joined the pair downstairs with his best effort to not look like he'd just been snooping around for information, the thought occurred to him that disturbed him quite a bit.

The Eight-Bits was a place that even Discord didn't know about, and Discord could speak directly into his head.

Not even Twilight remembered anything about it, and she was the one who told him about it. For some reason, he was the only one to remember anything about it.

And when dealing with magical creatures, any place with that kind of ability was definitely likely to ensure Ryan's eventual return to it, one way or another. It was either that, or hand himself over to Discord. And he'd even made it very, very simple for Ryan… all it would take is a couple of words.

It was tempting, but he'd rather take his chances with the reality-warping bar. Hell, if he could even call this _reality_.

The stinging bunny wounds felt real enough, though.

_Crash_.

_"Spike, not again!"_

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**Author's Note:**

Hold on to your hooves, there's more on the way.

I would've preferred to have this out earlier, but I am absolutely loathe to upload any chapter that feels too short. If you're reading a decent story, it should be a decent length. Plus, I hate it when a chapter feels rushed, so I hope taking a little extra time for proofreading and such doesn't cause any problems.

Here's to you, faithful readers!

-Mo


	12. Ch12: Boast Burners

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"Come on, move your ass!" Ryan grumbled, shoving ponies out of his way.

It had been a few days since the letter incident, and his bunny wounds (_God that sounds humiliating_) had healed up nicely. Or at least, enough that he no longer needed bandages.

After he went back to more thoroughly check the letters the next day, he discovered that the drawer was completely empty.

This made Ryan very uncomfortable. After a couple of days of not doing much, which Ryan was thankful for, he decided to begin searching around for the 8-Bits in hope of its reappearance. So far, it had done no such thing. He'd spent hours upon hours of wandering around in front of the building where it had been, carefully checking and rechecking in case he had missed anything. After a while, he'd gotten thoroughly bored and begun to wander about Ponyville, perhaps to see if the 8-Bits had materialized somewhere else.

He had no such luck.

Instead, he blundered into a large crowd of ponies, all gathered in front of, from what he could gather, was a glittery, bedazzled wagon.

From what he could see, nearly all of Ponyville had turned up for some kind of event. He spotted several that he knew in the crowd, including Rarity and a (thankfully) bunny-less Fluttershy. After a couple of seconds of hard searching, he spotted Twilight and made a beeline for her.

"Yo," he said, waving halfheartedly. "there you are, Purple. Spike said you left already. What is this, the pony Cirque du Soleil?" he asked, jabbing a thumb at the wagon.

"Actually," Twilight began, but was interrupted by a rather loud, screaming burst of fanfare, far too close for comfort. Multiple lights atop the bedazzled caravan lit up, and Ryan's hand went to his Zippo lighter instinctually to light up a cigarette he didn't have. He didn't know quite why, but every time he saw circus lights, he felt a lot like smoking.

It might have been because of that one time he set a clown on fire.

But it was okay, because it was only an ICP fan.

That particular memory brought a rather wicked grin to his face, which Twilight must have taken for appreciation of flashy exhibition.

"Ponies and gentlecolts, mares and fillies, all ages and sizes! Come one, come all!"

Ryan was a little surprised to see that there were no clowns here after all. Then again, a pony in clown makeup probably looked just as creepy as a human in clown makeup.

… Ryan didn't like clowns very much.

"Presenting, the one, the only, the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!" upon finishing, the stage curtains burst open, revealing a sky blue unicorn with a fancy cape, bowing dramatically.

A couple of younger ponies near the front of the crowd looked absolutely awestruck, although they didn't look too bright. From the stare one of them was giving Trixie, he'd have guessed that the little unicorn had some kind of brain damage.

"Yes, my faithful, _adoring _audience! It is I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, the most _incredible _and _powerful _unicorn in _all of Equestria!"_

Ryan voiced his opinion on the matter with all the grace and subtlety of a furious rampaging rhinoceros charging through a nursery school while high on crystal meth.

_"Oh, I call bullshit!"_

"Who _dares _to question the might of the _Great and Powerful Trixie?!_" the unicorn demanded instantly, stomping a hoof as if offended. In hindsight, she probably was.

Her eyes lingered, a little surprised over a wide eyed Ryan for a moment, only to discover that his hand was pointed starkly away from him in order to avoid blame.

As a matter of fact, his finger was pointing directly at Twilight Sparkle.

"You, there! You _dare _to _mock _the Great and Powerful Trixie? Trixie is ten times the magician you are, little foal! What other pony can claim to have singlehoofedly held off an_ Ursa Major?_" she roared, magically lifting up a couple of the front row ponies into the air, the same ogling pair of unicorns he'd seen. Light's and a couple of high pitched noisemakers flared up around Trixie, and she did indeed look fairly powerful.

"I… I… I…" Twilight stuttered, at a loss for words.

"Oh, yeah?" Ryan shouted back, doing his best to 'stand up' for Twilight. She saw what he was doing and opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off. "Purple here could _kick your ass!_"

"That's not really-" Twilight stammered.

"_And_," Ryan added. "And, she could kick your blue butt with one hoof tied behind her back!"

"Ryan, I really don't-"

"_AND_, SHE COULD RUN YOU OUTTA THIS BACKWOODS DUMP WITH JUST ONE SPELL!"

"RYAN!" Twilight shouted to make herself heard. It was too late, however; the entire crowd was watching her, and she shrank down.

"So, it's a magical duel you want from Trixie, is it?" Trixie asked scornfully, glaring at Twilight for suggesting such a ludicrous thing. Which, in fact, she did not. "Very well! If it's a battle of skill you want, it's a battle of skill you'll _get_! Trixie will be awaiting your arrival in the town center at midnight!" she ranted, glaring viciously at Twilight as if expecting some reprisal. "You'll have your chance to challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie with your single spell; and, should you fail, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall_ banish you as easily as Trixie did that unwitting Ursa Major!"_

_… Oh, fuck._

The caravan quickly snapped shut, and it began hobbling down the road on slightly tilted wooden wheels creakily. The two awestruck young unicorns near the front had begun whispering conspiratorially to each other with excitement, but Ryan ignored them. They couldn't be up to anything good, but he'd deal with that later.

Twilight was glaring at him angrily, looking half angry and half ashamed that she'd been called out in the midst of a crowd, which was slowly dispersing already.

"… What?"

"Darling, why ever didn't you stand up to that blowhard?" Rarity asked Twilight as she trotted over, wearing another of her over the top, frilly sunhats.

"Yeah, why not?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight, zooming down from above. Ryan hadn't even noticed that she'd been above them, though he caught sight of her resting on a cloud before she did zipped down.

_… How the hell…_

"Hey, Skittles. Aren't clouds made of water, and shit?" Ryan asked Rainbow Dash curiously, turning from the angry Twilight.

"Well, technically. See, kinda like the way rainbows are-"

"Oh, don't think you're getting out of this _that _easily, Mister!" Twilight growled at him, lowering her horn dangerously. "Just _what _were you thinking? Do you have any _idea _how much trouble you've just caused?"

"Uh… yes?" Ryan guessed slowly. Spotting the dangerous eye twitch he'd grown accustomed to noticing and a couple of stray sparks flying off of her horn, he quickly said "I-I was just standin' up for you, is all, kid."

Her idle threats of turning him into unpleasant things like a very large bullfrog flittered into his mind. He hadn't actually seen her turn anything into a bullfrog yet, but he had seen her pull off some pretty difficult looking transformation magic with a couple of rocks that Spike insisted would make great moustaches. Quite frankly, he didn't like the prospect of being turned into a gigantic moustache too much, either.

"I am a capable young adult, for your information!" Twilight said angrily.

"Well, yeah, I guessed as much…" Ryan began slowly, desperately trying to think of a way out of the hole he was steadily digging.

"Then _why_, precisely, did you feel it necessary to 'defend' me, immediately after placing blame on me for _your _shortcomings? Especially now that she's expecting me to show her up with a single spell!"

"Well, uh, you see…" he stuttered. He was starting to get nervous, and that horn of hers was glowing brighter by the minute. "I-I-I was, uh… you can't take her on now!"

"Why not?!"

_"Because you're a girl!"_

Twilight's eyes widened slightly, and she sputtered furiously, shame at being called out by Trixie utterly forgotten.

So, he'd solved _half _the problem.

… Sort of.

"And what is _that _supposed to mean? What, just because somepony else is a _male_, that makes them intrinsically more _capable _of dealing with particular dilemmas?"

"Well… yeah."

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

He'd expected Twilight to zap him with some kind of transmogrification mojo, but the heavy backhanded slap from Skittles surprised him. It resounded through the area with a loud _pop!, _and Ryan could have sworn he heard his neck crack from the sudden movement.

He'd give her that much – if Dash had tried a right out haymaker, it probably would have taken his head off.

"… Ow." He stated simply as he turned slowly back around, and the mental image of him continuously digging his own grave grew sharper. The familiar taste of copper tingled slightly in his mouth.

"Lemme at him, lemme at him!" Dash struggled against the combined efforts of Rarity and Twilight, who held her wings back before she could hit Ryan again.

"That was – hnnk! – uncalled for, really, dear!" Rarity strained against Dash, trying to hold back one wing.

"My _flank_, it was uncalled for! I'm gonna hit him again!" she roared, pulling so hard that Twilight and Rarity were beginning to drag along the ground.

Ryan had made a mistake in egging on the Great and – _fuck that, I'm callin' her Clown Pony. _

He'd made a grave error in egging on the Clown. This was apparent. It was even worse that he'd tried to pin the blame on Twilight, but he wasn't going down without a fight.

He hadn't even gone full blown asshole yet.

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Twilight wasn't speaking to him.

He trudged back to the library after a while, and, much to his surprise, Rarity trotted alongside him. He'd have thought that after everything he'd said, Rarity would be one of the last people – uh, ponies – to want to be anywhere near him. He hated to have made them so angry at him; but, then again, if ponies were anything like people, then they tended to miss minor details that they otherwise would have noticed.

That was the whole idea, of course; ensuring that everypony else's attention would be elsewhere, and Trixie had practically handed it to him. So long as they were all distracted, including Twilight.

_Especially _Twilight.

And it was just his luck…

"So, why ain't you calming down your friend?" Ryan asked Rarity lowly, not looking at her. She pursed her lips, and after a moment, said "She wants to be alone right now, dar- Ryan."

She definitely did not look pleased. And she'd begun to refer to him by his name, which he didn't take as a good sign.

"Then why tag along?" he asked bitterly as they passed Sugarcube Corner. "Don't you have better 'friends' to hang around?"

"I most certainly do," she agreed. "and as unbearably chauvinistic, bigoted, and narrow-minded as you may be, I don't believe you really _meant _what you said to her."

_Perceptive little…_

"… Why'd you say that?" Ryan asked, still not looking at her.

"Because, dear, you're a terrible liar, and you've got 'guilt' written all over your face."

Ryan blinked, and finally realized that Twilight wasn't the only one who'd begun to pick up on some of his cues.

"I dunno what you're-"

"Spare me," Rarity said, deadpanning. "I know that face. It's the 'I'm planning something, but I don't want anyone to know,' face."

Ryan blinked again, dumbfounded. How she'd managed to see right through his ruse was beyond him.

"You forget, dear – Sweetie Belle is one of the cleverest, most conniving little troublemakers in all of Ponyville. I say again; I _know _that face."

Her unexpected outburst surprised him a bit. "I, uh… I thought you and your sister got along well?" he asked.

She huffed, and they drew close enough to the library that it was now in sight. "We did, dear… at least, until she apparently said _something _or other to my parents the last time they were visiting. Since then, they won't even look me in the eye, and Sweetie Belle won't say a word as to why…"

Ryan's heart froze in his chest, remembering back to his meeting with Rarity's sister and mother.

_… Aw, fuck._

"Ah, there's that look again." she said with smug satisfaction, magically drawing open the door of the library. Spike, who had been balancing atop a ladder, turned quickly to see them.

"Twi, it's about time, those charts were – oh, hi Rarity!" his face lit up, and he dropped the book he was putting away. It hit the ground with a heavy _thud_, and he leapt off the ladder excitedly to run up and hug her.

"Hello, Spike," Rarity said as she gently pried away from him. "I was just escorting Twilight's _friend _here," she said with some disdain. "back to the library to make sure he doesn't get into any more trouble."

Ryan's face flushed in anger, though he held back.

_What's she playing at?_

"Oh, okay," Spike said, slightly crestfallen. "So… you gotta go do something important now, right?"

"Not at all, dear," she said happily, the mood change sudden. "I would be positively _delighted _should some _kind _drake offer _tea _for a tired lady…" she finished suggestively.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know a kind drake!" Spike threw his claw up in the air. "I'll get tea! Be right back!" and with that, he scampered off into the kitchen to prepare the tea. Much clanging and pottering about followed.

Rarity sighed, blowing a strand of purple hair out of her face. "There. That should give us a couple of minutes," she said as she took a seat nimbly on the sofa.

"For what?" Ryan asked suspiciously, crossing his arms.

"Look, dear. You're going to need help with whatever you've got planned, and you'd better have properly explained yourself within the next…" she paused, listening closely at the noise in the kitchen.

"Two. Two minutes."

_Clang!_

"Three. Three minutes."

_Clang!_

"… Just take your time, dear."

It took him a moment to figure out why she'd want to help him, especially after the cruel things he'd just said to her best friend.

He felt stupid afterwards, when he'd finally realized her reasoning behind her actions.

Ryan wasn't the only one that wanted answers.

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"Very well, _peasant_!" Trixie puffed as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. "Beat that!"

She stood in the center of town in front of her caravan, the crowds gazing in awe. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and Rarity stood behind Twilight, watching hopefully.

Twilight was about to reply that she had no intention of giving any kind of retaliatory performance, when she was rudely interrupted.

By a rather loud, angry roar.

_"URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR!"_

"FASTER, SNIPS! _FASTER!"_

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In the end, Rarity had wound up talking Ryan into completely scrapping his plan.

Albeit, in place of a much better plan.

All it had taken was a couple of flirty winks from Rarity before she left, and Spike was all to glad to let Ryan send his own little letter about his lessons on 'friendship' directly to Princess Celestia. And he didn't even need the massive distraction, although it definitely helped give him some extra time.

Afterwards, Ryan had asked Spike where Twilight kept the copies of her letters, so that he could place his amongst the files. To his chagrin, Spike only shrugged.

"Sorry, I don't know where she keeps the copies. I didn't even know she _had _any copies." He said, stuffing some more frosting in his mouth.

That, and the extra time granted him some breathing room to come up with a plan that would hopefully lead to Twilight hating him slightly less. He was living under the same roof with her, after all – and Ryan had had enough experiences with living with others to know that you do not want the other person to go to sleep angry.

Then again, Clara was legally insane and a lot more dangerous than Twilight Sparkle, but he considered that one up for debate.

_Not even going to think about it…_

Ryan distracted himself with the task at hand, and Spike helped… well, clean the bowls with his tongue.

"… Oh, dude. _Gross_."

"Whath groth?" he asked, his serpentine tongue coated in frosting as it flicked back between his lips with a _sssst!_

Ryan heard the front door creak open, and he quickly blew out the lights and hid, motioning for Spike to do the same.

"-and she's all, '_That's an Ursa Minor?_', and you're all-"

"Yes, Rainbow Dash, I know," he heard Twilight say dryly. "I was there, remember? I'll see you tomorrow, I suppose…" she left it hanging.

"Oh, okay," Dash answered automatically. "Just remember what I told you; punch to the legs, then kick him in the head. Punch, kick – punch, kick…!" from the sounds of it, she was giving the air a good thrashing.

"I very well might," he heard Twilight reply wryly before closing the door, and he slowly made sure that Spike was in front of him. He was small, but he'd make an excellent meat shield should Twilight decide to follow her friend's advice and beat the ever living hell out of Ryan.

Not that he wouldn't deserve it.

She sighed, and magically lit an oil lamp. The room was instantly flooded with soft light as the little metal container was instantly heated.

Spike leapt out as soon as he saw the lamp, shouting "Surprise!"

Twilight shrieked, and telekinetically threw the lit lamp directly over Spike's head. Ryan, directly behind him, dropped the cake they'd spent hours on with a _splat!_, catching the lamp.

"AAGH! HOT! HOT!" Ryan yelped, hurling the lamp out the glass window as hard as he could. The window shattered, and from the sound of it, it had hit something in the street. The unfortunate soul outside began shrieking hysterically as well.

"Who dares to further defile the Gr- SWEET CELESTIA, FIRE! _FIRE!"_

Twilight, Spike, and Ryan all stood stock still, staring at the blunder they'd inadvertently caused. Twilight's horn glowed brightly for a moment, before slowly lighting a spare lamp and magically hanging it from the ceiling. From the new light, she could clearly see a frosting coated Ryan and Spike, although Spike looked fairly clean in the areas he could lick with his tongue.

On the ground in front of Ryan, the remains of the cake clearly spelled out _Sory, __Purple __Twilite._

"… Uh… Oops?" Twilight offered comfortingly.

_"Isn't anypony going to help Trixie?!"_

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**Author's Note:**

Because lighting Trixie's caravan on fire couldn't possibly have any negative consequences.


	13. Ch13: Oh My God, Double Rainbow

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"And_ that's_ why your idea is bullshit," Ryan carefully explained to the roomful of ponies, pointing with a stick at a very carefully drawn chart.

Granted, a chart that he'd 'borrowed' from Twilight and scribbled all over to make his point, but a chart nonetheless.

"But-but-but-" Twilight stammered. "the _dragon_! Do you have any _idea _how much damage to the ecosystem that thing is going to do if we don't make sure he moves in time?"

"Uh-eh-uh." Ryan shrugged, grunting his 'I don't know'. "Where I come from, we normally just leave the eco-terrorist shit to Captain Planet, and call it a day."

Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack had all gathered in the library at Twilight's behest, who had gathered as much information on the dragon as she possibly could.

At which point, Ryan did everything within his power to stall them from going after the dragon.

Not because he cared about it one way or another; she had hurled a flaming object at his head. It was _revenge _time, once again. And if stalling her was what would cause them the most trouble, then stalling them was the best option.

Regardless of the fact that it had all been his fault in the first place. Either way, he got what he needed; now, all he had to do was wait.

He almost let his grin slip; all it had taken to throw a wrench into the plans was forging Twilight's signature, with the simple message to the Princess stating only _'All is revealed. Flee while you can.'_

_That _should stir things up a little.

"M-maybe he's right…" Fluttershy said quietly, tucking her wings in tightly.

"Whaddya mean?" Dash asked, sticking her face in Fluttershy's.

"Oh, I-I-I…" she stuttered, shrinking before her friend. "I just mean, maybe the dragon will, um… go away on its own?" she squeaked hopefully.

"Fluttershy," Rainbow said bluntly. "this is a dragon we're talking about. A big, mean, vicious, ugly, stupid-"

"Er-_hem_." Spike coughed, tapping his foot in an aggravated fashion. Dash jumped a little; she hadn't even seen him enter the room.

"Oh, uh…" she said, rubbing the back of her head as she flapped her wings nervously. "Just this dragon in _particular_. You're cool."

Spike snorted, stomping off.

"Hah!" Ryan laughed, jeering at the ponies. "You guys are _so _fucked! _He _was a dragon; maybe he could'a talked to the thing for you. Now, you dumb shits don't even have a distraction!"

The poor, poor bastard.

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Ryan stomped up the side of the mountain angrily, kicking brushes and brambles this way and that. The scarves Rarity insisted on loading him down with certainly weren't helping, and neither was the fact that Twilight insisted on his 'help'. This was turning out to be one enormous clusterfuck.

"I'm not a fuckin' pack mule!" he groaned, hefting up the saddlebags on his shoulders as he trudged along behind them. Fluttershy held back behind the group as well, although slightly behind him. Hell, maybe she could take one of the bags…

"Well, you have hands. Put them to good use for once," Twilight said cheerily over her shoulder, trotting in a carefree manner up the side of the mountain. Which was odd, considering the fact that they were on their way to challenge a_ fucking dragon._

"Ooh! I just remembered!" Pinkie gasped, leaping into the air. "I knew I should have packed my plus five vorpal sword!" she said, distraught.

"Yes, yes, that's great, Pinkie," Twilight said distractedly, pulling out a rolled up and torn map. "Then… this way… and then… ah, right."

"Hey," Ryan panted, "this… hoo!... rock got a… hnn!... name?"

"Yes, it's-"

"Mount Clusterfuck," Ryan said, cutting her off.

"Actually, its _name _is-"

_"Mount Motherfucking Clusterfuck_," Ryan finished with a heavy breath, dropping the saddlebags and before collapsing on the ground, coated in sweat. He was beginning to hate the newly dubbed 'Mount Clusterfuck' almost as much as he had learned to hate unicorns.

Come to think of it, Pegasi, too.

_Actually, you know what? Fuck all of 'em alike._

He wiped a bead of sweat off his brow, gazing up at the mountain. "Any o' you asshats got any water? It's been _hours_!"

Twilight blinked, tucking away her map. "… It's only been fifteen minutes." Regardless, she levitated a canteen of water out of her own pack and gave it to him, which he downed quickly and thanklessly.

"If-if it's all the same to you, um…" Fluttershy said nervously. "I… I think somepony should go back, you know, to, um… check on Spike. He seemed very, um…" she eventually trailed off, noticing that every single one of her friends (and Ryan) were staring at her.

Ryan began cackling madly, wiping the water off his face. "Are you _shittin_' me? I'm not getting out of this; neither are you, kid."

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By the time they'd nearly reached the top, it really _had _been hours.

And Ryan was absolutely _miserable_.

"For the _thousandth _time, Pink!_ I know!_" Ryan grunted, heaving the saddlebags angrily.

"And then, Gilda is all frumpy and grumpy! And then Dashie is all-"

"I KNOW! YOU TOLD ME THE SAME STORY FORTY-SIX TIMES OVER! I KNOW!_ I FUCKING KNOW!"_

Pinkie, completely unhindered by Ryan's rage (as she had been for the past three hours), merely continued rambling. "And the prank with the drinking glass – _priceless_."

She stayed just in front of him by a couple of feet, happily prancing forward despite her own saddlebag. Always, and quite infuriatingly, she remained just out of his reach whenever he swiped forward, forcing him to clamber onwards if he were ever to mangle that pink pony.

It was the only thing keeping him going, really.

_Must… Strangle…. Annoying… Pony…!_

"Gee, you're lookin' a little flushed there, big guy!" Skittles said to him _far _too happily. "But that's okay, because big, tough _guys _like you are used to all the heavy lifting that _girls _just can't do, huh?"

"Fuck – huff – me… hnnnkrrrtttt! With a... pfffoah! Goddamn _shovel_!" he groaned, dropping his packs once more to stop and rest against the rockside. "Are… are you _still _on about that?" he asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Funny, that." She said with a deadpan expression, drifting off to the front of the group. Fluttershy still had her wings clasped tightly to her sides, and Ryan could see that she was shaking a little. He felt a small level of sympathy for her momentarily; hell, he was shaking, too. However, he quickly realized that whereas he was shaking from exhaustion, she was simply terrified out of her wits.

"Christ, wassa matter with you?" Ryan asked, dropping to the ground and pulling out another canteen. He was glad Twilight had insisted on packing so much water; not so much that he had to carry it. Fluttershy just quivered even harder when she looked up the mountain to where the smoke was billowing out from, covering most of Ponyville.

That was another thing he meant to bring up the next time he got a chance to pester Twilight; the name 'Ponyville' had to be one of the dumbest things to call anyplace he'd ever heard.

"Aren't… aren't you afraid of the dragon?" Fluttershy squeaked, her head dipping even lower at the thought.

Ryan snorted, taking another hefty chug. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? I'm more afraid of that fuzzy pet demon of yours than I am some overgrown gecko. But, uh… don't go mentionin' that to anbody else, 'kay?"

She blinked, then nodded with a little smile. She did her best to look calm and collected, but so far all she was doing was shaking so much her own small saddlebags were beginning to rattle. She shifted them uncomfortably, staring back up at the mountain with an uneasy look.

Ryan looked at her for a full minute, then sighed heavily before dropping his head, letting his shaggy mass of greasy black hair fall around his head.

"… Gimme."

"Huh?" Fluttershy asked, confused.

"Your bag. You can keep closer to your friends if you're not slowed down by that bag of crap, right?" Ryan said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And it's obvious you're gonna need to stay close to them if you're ever gonna get over your fear of dragons. So… gimme."

Fluttershy blinked, and smiled kindly at him. He hefted the third saddlebag upon his shoulders, quickly followed by Dash's and Rarity's bags. It was difficult, but he managed; so long as he stayed balanced, he could keep moving.

"… Thank you." Fluttershy said softly, and Ryan brushed her off.

"Christ, don't go gettin' all mushy on me. I'm gonna need extra weight anyway, so I can balance out these other two bags."

Fluttershy spotted his lie outright, but she didn't say anything. She simply gave him a thankful nod, and swiftly caught up to her friends. Ryan groaned for the millionth time, and heaved as hard as he could, slowly working his way up the mountain.

He added 'work out more often' to his mental list of things he vowed to do.

Five minutes of climbing later, he also added 'stop fucking helping'.

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"Oh, come on, Fluttershy! Just _fly _across!" her friend Rainbow Dash tried to motivate her, waving madly.

"I-I-I- I just c-c-c-c-can't!" she cried out, shaking like a leaf in the wind. So far, Ryan's plan of helping her hadn't turned out exactly as he hoped it would.

_That plan didn't work for jack-diddly._

That works, too.

It was a rather small ravine, from what Ryan could see. The further up they climbed, the more their voices echoed off the rock cliffs. He was the only one left on the same side as Fluttershy, the rest of the group already on the opposite side. Fluttershy shook and quivered, looking down the ravine with a squeak of terror.

How this little thing managed to look him in the eye when they first met and threaten to murder him, yet still have a panic attack over things like heights and loud noises was beyond him.

He would've noted that he was pretty certain that the rabbit, Angel, had already claimed her home and taken his place as the Alpha Male, but Angel had beaten the tar out of him the last time he met, so he wasn't saying anything.

"You can do it, Fluttershy! We know you can!" Twilight repeated the same type of drivel that Skittles did, in the hopes that Fluttershy would actually do something.

"Yo, Flutterbitch," Ryan interjected, rearranging all three packs so that he was carrying them all over one arm. "remember what I said to you earlier?"

She looked at him with a mixture of fear and confusion. "You mean, about fuck-shit-stacks?"

"What? Oh, no, not that." Ryan said, waving her off. It was a little odd to hear Fluttershy swearing. Especially considering the fact that he'd never even heard any of the others do it. "I meant about staying closer to your friends, and all that cliché shit."

"I don't really-" Fluttershy was promptly cut off by a very large, charging and yelling human. She shrieked, and the rest of the group gasped in surprise. In hindsight, Ryan was glad she hadn't simply sidestepped him, causing him to tumble headfirst into the ravine. Although he'd probably have less pain if she had.

Instead, the rampaging Ryan swooped her up in one arm, ran as hard as he could at the ravine while screaming something that sounded uncannily like '_over the shark, Fonzie!_' that echoed over and over again, and landed heavily with both feet on the ground with a puff of dust. Ryan felt rather proud of himself for that one.

The entire group stood stock still, watching the scene with abject horror.

"… What?"

He hefted Fluttershy up slightly, making certain that he had a good grip so that neither she nor the bags fell. She simply gave him a pitiful, terrified whimper. He carefully set her down so that she could get her bearings, but she kept on looking up. It was a little strange, though; he hadn't noticed before that his voice was echoing with quite a bit more frequency than before.

"… What?"

The rest of the group slowly began backing away, and then running as fast as their little legs would carry them up the side of Mt. Clusterfuck.

_"… What?"_

And that's when the rocks began falling.

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"Did… did everypony make it?" Twilight huffed, breathing heavily from the exertion. Rainbow Dash, who had simply flown around the avalanche, landed with grace. She did a quick head count, then nodded.

"Yup! Thank goodness nopony important was hurt."

"_Oh, god, my legs!_" Ryan moaned in agony, flopping into the dirt in exhaustion. The dust flew up into the air around him, much to Rarity's dismay.

"Dash!" Twilight scolded. "I asked-"

"Thank goodness nopony _important _was hurt."

Twilight gave Dash a flat stare, who only grinned back at her. "… That's not funny."

"Who's being funny?" Dash asked, flapping up into the air. "Well, aside from Mister Super Macho Tough Guy, here, crying like a baby. That was pretty funny."

"Ffw pfe pffe pf pfd, weff pfe pfeffe pfef."

"Sorry, didn't catch that," Dash said, holding a hoof up to her ear, never dropping her grin. After a few moments of silence, Dash leaned in and carefully lifted Ryan's face out of the dirt. He spat out dust, sputtering. "I said, are you ever gonna let that shit go?"

"Are you going to apologize for being such a ginormous jerk?" Rainbow asked bluntly.

"_Fuck _no."

Dash dropped his head with a _clunk!_, and gave a little sigh with the shake of her head.

"Look, can we please just – whoa!" she ducked as a billowing burst of roiling black smoke came blasting out of the cave, which they'd finally reached. This was the only thing Ryan was thankful for. At the rate his bones were protesting at, they were likely to gather their friends and all go on strike.

"Er… excuse me, um… Mister Dragon?" Twilight called cautiously into the cave. She gingerly stepped inside, and from where Ryan lay as he slowly struggled to his feet (which was a little difficult to do with three saddlebags strapped to his back,) he could see that there was something glittering inside.

After a couple of moments, Twilight came back out, completely coated in soot.

"… I don't think he's going to listen to reason." She said flatly.

"Pffft! Ha ha! Silly Twilight!" Pinkie laughed, and Ryan realized what she had in her pack. At least, he hoped Pinkie carried all that crap in her pack. He couldn't think of anywhere else she could have stored it.

Pinkie was, without a doubt, wearing the most ridiculous thing Ryan had seen since that one time he'd accidentally gotten his cousin drunk and locked him inside a women's shopping center.

Oh, he had _never _let that one go. It still brought a smile to Ryan's face.

But back to the ponies.

Pinkie was wearing what looked like bright blue diving flippers, a green present with yellow bows large enough to cover a pony, red women's glasses, and had balloons tied all over herself.

In short, she looked fucking ridiculous.

"You look _fucking ridiculous."_

Told you so.

"That's the plan, silly filly!" Pinkie giggled as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Pinkie prattled on about her plan to make the dragon happier with a party. Within the fourth second of her walking into the cave entrance, Ryan was jeering out "Bets! Taking all bets, four hundred and sixty-seven to one, the dragon eats her in one bite!"

Another four seconds later, Pinkie Pie came hobbling out of the cave.

"… Well?" Twilight asked hopefully, trying to rub soot off of herself and only making it worse.

"… He's a big meanie-pants."

"… Er…"

"He... said he's going to do unspeakable things to me... with a crowbar," Pinkie said, a little deflated.

"O-okay…?" she replied uncertainly. "Er…"

Rarity chuckled, giving her mane a disdainful toss. "Dear, it takes a _lady _to charm a gentlecolt's heart, whether pony or drake."

"… You sure, Miss Afraid-ta'-get-dirty?" Applejack asked slyly.

"Oh, ho-ho, _darling_," Rarity said to Applejack as if she'd just said something stupid. "To coin a phrase_, I got this."_

"How in tarnation is that coinin'-" but Rarity didn't stay to listen, as she already began sauntering slowly inside the cave.

After a couple of moments of silence, followed by Ryan's rather gleeful "She's gonna get _all _fucked up," a very flustered Rarity came streaking out of the cave, dropping loads of jewels and golden ornaments behind her in the cavern. She looked a little sad to see them go. Ryan started for the jewels automatically, before realizing that he couldn't actually get them home to make money off of them. He settled for stuffing his fists in his pockets with pent up anger, realizing too late that the light ripping noise he heard was his fist going through the pocket.

Thankfully, it was the pocket without the Zippo lighter in it. He hadn't needed it for much, but he liked having it with him.

Applejack sighed heavily, affixing her hat so that her blond hair was neatly tucked beneath is as she pulled out a lasso. Even Twilight looked a little surprised at this.

"Applejack, you can't just _lasso _a dragon!"

_"Buck you, ah can't lasso a dragon!" _and with that, Applejack gave a mighty charge at the dragon. From the glimpses he'd gotten of it through the smoke and smog, he could see that it was a great, large red lizard; from the size of the claws and teeth, it looked downright vicious.

"… Taking bets, all bets are-"

"Ryan!"

"What?" he said, shrugging at Twilight cluelessly. "What did I do?"

A couple of roars and clouds of nearly flaming black smoke later, Applejack was tossed out of the cave and landed on her back, skidding to a stop in front of the ragtag group. To add insult to injury, a few apples were tossed out after her, each one hitting her in the stomach with impressive precision.

"… Buck me, ah _can't_ lasso a dragon."

"All right, that's it!" Rainbow Dash said, rolling up invisible sleeves. "You're all doin' it wrong! You can't just go in, bein' all nice, or throw parties, or whore yourselves out for jewelry!"

_"Excuse me?!"_

"You gotta hit 'em hard, and not _just _hard," she said, preparing for an aerial charge with a couple of mighty flaps of her wings. "You gotta hit 'em so hard, their great-great-great- (she was backing further up in the air with each 'great') great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren will feel it!"

Somewhere down in Ponyville, Spike sneezed.

With her threat in tow, Rainbow Dash flew into the cave, leaving an incredibly long burst of rainbow colored light behind her.

"… Rainbow," Ryan said, amazed as he pointed at it. "all the way across the sky." He seemed a little dumbfounded by that one.

"And so's your mother!" he heard from within the cave, immediately before a Rainbow Dash shaped object came flying back out, leaving an identical rainbow trail directly beneath the first one. She flapped and struggled to get back in the air, unsteadily swooping down toward the mouth of the cave. Ryan seemed even more enthralled by the second rainbow than the first one.

"… Double rainbow… all the way across the sky…!"

_Oh, my god. Look at that rainbow._

Fluttershy squeaked in terror, and he looked down at her. He hadn't even realized she'd been cowering behind his leg this entire time. Ryan sighed, looking into the cave before he rolled his neck in what he hoped was a manly manner and cracked his knuckles.

"Okay, _obviously _I'm gonna hafta show you girls how a real man solves his problems."

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

He stomped right into the cave, getting a good look at the old beast. It certainly _looked _like a big meanie-pants.

"_Okay_," Ryan said, explaining slowly as he jabbed a finger in the old lizard's face.

Probably not the best idea he'd ever had.

"Okay, here's what's gonna go down, fat ass." He cracked his knuckles again for emphasis, glaring at the dragon as he drew up close to it. "You're gonna leave the _kids _alone, you're gonna leave that whole _town _in a non-smoking section, and you're gonna fly your fat ass back to the _hole _you crawled out of, got it?"

The old red dragon, for all his wealth and years, had never been quite so surprised. And that's probably the only reason Ryan hadn't been torn in half yet; he was just too stupid to realize it. Ergo, the reason Ryan kept talking. He actually seemed to be under the impression that the threats he was hurling at the dragon were intimidating it.

The poor, poor bastard.

"But before that, I'm gonna open up a can o' whoop-ass, you got that? I watched Hulk Hogan! I've seen _every _Bruce Lee movie!" he struck up a one-legged karate pose. "I'm Neo, I know kung fu! I'll whoop your ass from here to the edge of Equestria! Fuck, we'll keep going to _Brooklyn!_ I'll make you into turtle soup! So come on! Come _ahwn!_ Bring it! Bring it on! Bring it ahwn,_ bitch!_"

Or, at least, that's what Ryan _would _have said, had his last word not been rudely cut off by the turning dragon's tail.

For a very, very brief moment, the slightly-sharper-than-it-looked tail looked like it might have tickled more than it would hurt.

And tickle Ryan, it did.

It tickled Ryan with all the loving, gentle tenderness of a speeding Boeing 747.

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Berry Punch was having a hell of a day.

She'd worked her rosy rear off all day, some rampaging hairless ape had nearly knocked her off the sidewalk as he shoved his way through, and she couldn't even remember where her favorite haunt was.

Funny; she would have sworn that the 8-Bits was right here… she must have just forgotten it in one of her hazes again. It was binge drinking that caused most of her problems. Thankfully, it was also the solution to most of her problems.

Either way, she needed a drink.

_No, Berry_, she scolded herself. _You are a working class pony; you went to all the meetings, and you are a normal, upstanding citizen. Everything's going to be just fine, you don't 'need'-_

In the distance, Berry Punch could have sworn she heard high pitched screaming. She vaguely wondered if it was that group of ponies that had foolishly wandered up the mountain hours ago. At least, until she noticed a faint speck flying speedily through the air, taking down several trees with it.

_Oh, no._

"Hey, Berry!" Lyra Heartstrings waved to her. The light blue unicorn sat in an odd manner on a bench, smiling warmly at her to get her attention. Berry's attention seemed to be elsewhere, however. Mainly, at the screaming speck that was steadily growing both larger and louder.

_No, no, no, no._

"Berry? You okay?" Lyra asked, hopping down from the bench and trotting over to her to wave a hoof slowly in front of her face. "Yoo-hoo?"

_No no no no no no!_

The look of abject horror on Berry's face only grew, and she very carefully began sidestepping. Lyra finally tossed a glance in the same direction Berry Punch had been staring in fear, and her eyes widened.

She ducked, just in time for a large, six-foot-something hairless ape slam violently through a glass window.

Of Berry Punch's house.

"… B… Berry? Did… did you see…?" Lyra began with a shaking hoof, pointing toward Berry's thoroughly destroyed wall.

"… Oh, sweet Celestia do I need a drink after this much crap." She said miserably.

If Ryan could have replied, he'd have agreed.

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**Author's Note:**

Some of you may have noticed recently that the rating tag changed from T, to M. Then, back to T again.

I did this for two reasons.

One: I began this fic with the Teen rating, and it would be senselessly cruel to force those who have already begun reading the story to check that little 'View Mature' box. I'm not going to do that to you.

Two: I am terribly indecisive.

...

That is all.


	14. Ch14: Is That A Lighter In Your Pocket?

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_"Yo, Tiny Tim."_

_"Superman!"_

_Tiny Tim threw his little hands up in the air ecstatically, giving Ryan the biggest hug his thin arms could manage._

_"Watcha been up to, Tim-bo?" Ryan asked with a grin, slowly pulling out of Tim's grasp and giving him a fist bump._

_"How many times do I have to tell you,-" the redheaded __nurse__ cut in, sticking her head in through the door. "-his name is 'Timothy'. You speak English; try to learn a little of it."_

_Ryan's grinned widened, giving a little wave to Tiffany as he took a seat in the plastic chair next to Tiny Tim's bed. The sandy haired little blond kid was slowly getting better, he was glad to see. When Ryan first carried him in here, he'd been covered head to toe in burns, and both of his legs were broken. Hell, he was lucky to even be alive, let alone to have healed so well after the skin grafts._

_"Madam, you grow more beautiful with each passing day. Like, uh… those little flowers that aren't really flowers, but are actually chocolate." Ryan claimed in his fanciest voice._

_"That was a terrible analogy," Tiffany said with a huff, crossing her arms across her rather… bountiful chest._

_"…"_

_"My eyes are up here, numb-nuts." She said, slapping him in the forehead. Tim giggled a little._

_"Zuh! What?" he said, tilting back slightly._

_"You're drooling again, Superman," Tim said bluntly. His chirrupy, frail voice cut through the air and helped to drag Ryan back to reality._

_"I was not droolin'!"Ryan exclaimed, defending himself. It was difficult holding back the guilty smile, though. Of course, that only made Tim laugh harder. It was good, hearing him laugh; for the longest time, Ryan could barely even get him to speak._

_"Yes, well, Superman here has to go save kittens from a tree somewhere else, because visiting hours are over." Tiffany said the 'Superman' part with as much sarcasm as she could muster, drawing it out. If Ryan noticed, he didn't show it._

_"Aw, come on! He just got here!"_

_"Yes," Tiffany agreed. "late. Again."_

_"Just five more minutes?" he pleaded._

_"Yeah, just five more minutes?" Ryan dropped to his knees, and the pair gave the redheaded nurse the best sad puppy dog eyes they could muster._

_Tiffany gave an enormous sigh, running a hand through her hair in exasperation. After a couple of moments, she finally lifted her head, and even gave a small, rare smile of her own._

_"I swear, you two are impossible."_

_"Close enough to a 'yes' for me!" Tim chirped happily, pulling out a couple of small, sealed cups of pudding and handing one to Ryan._

_Those five minutes felt like they were gone so quickly; but Tiffany came back, right on time. She was always punctual. As she and Ryan walked silently down the pristine white corridors toward the exit, he could see that something was bothering her. Her mouth was opening and closing several times, though she said nothing._

_"… Somethin' up?" he asked in what he hoped was a carefree voice._

_"… You're visiting less often, 'Superman'." She said softly, never taking her eyes off the desk at the end of the hallway._

_"Yeah, well…" Ryan said, shrugging as he ran a hand through his greasy black hair. It was getting longer than he was used to, but he no longer shaved it like he did when he was still with the Sharks. "I've been… busy."_

_"Working?"_

_"Running."_

_He hadn't meant for it to slip out of his mouth, and his jaw clamped shut, but too late; he'd already failed._

_She gave him an odd look after that one. She never, ever asked the questions he expected, though. Never. Even though he knew she wanted to, she never asked._

_"… Where will you go?" she asked softly, her flat bottomed shoes making a slight squeaking noise as they traveled. By the time they reached the desk, the entire front lobby was devoid of life._

_Never 'when', never 'why'._

_Maybe she didn't want to know._

_Maybe she already knew._

_"I've got a couple of cousins I gotta take care of, a few hundred miles away," he said, scratching his head. "They're good kids, really. I'm really just gonna check up on 'em, and then I'll be back before-"_

_"Liar."_

_Ryan's heart froze. It wasn't often she questioned any of his excuses, let alone call him out. When he didn't answer, she continued._

_"You might be going to visit what's left of your family, but you don't have any intention of coming back."_

_It was true, really. He never wanted to see this place again. Especially not this dingy hospital that Tim had been confined to. Another painful twinge of guilt wracked him, and he did his best to shove it away has he put on a mask of indifference._

_"Maybe I don't," Ryan said, waving her off. "and it's really none of your damned business."_

_"He cries at night, you know."_

_Ryan really didn't know how to respond to that one. What he was certain of, however, was that he needed to leave soon._

_"I work here so much, with so much overtime, that I spend a lot more time around him than you do. Maybe if you actually kept your promises for once, you'd really know what he's going through."_

_Okay, THAT one had stung._

_"Look," Ryan said, face beginning to turn red. He wasn't angry; although he wished he were. It might help draw his attention away from many other unpleasant, distracting emotions. "I-… I just want to know what I can do to help the kid."_

_"It's really none of your damned business." Tiffany said coldly, throwing the words back in his face. After a couple of silent, uncomfortable minutes, she rubbed her bare arms, leaning against the desk. "… I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"_

_"Yeah. Yeah, you did." Ryan said lowly, trying desperately to get rid of the golf ball that seemed to have lodged itself in his throat._

_"… I just hate seeing him so unhappy. And you give him a little bit of happiness, every time he sees you. You're like a hero to him, you know that." It seemed like she had something to get off her chest, something she'd been burdened with for a while. "I just want to know – all I ever wanted to know – is why it's so important to you that you're by his side."_

_"What am I supposed to say?" Ryan began huskily. The golf ball in his throat felt like it was growing, and his eyes stung painfully. "What the fuck am I supposed to say to him? That the whole image of his 'hero' is a lie? That everything he's suffered is because of me?!" he hadn't realized how much he was raising his voice, but he didn't care anymore._

_"I only wanted you to tell-"_

_"Bullshit! What am I supposed to tell him?" tears were streaming down Ryan's face by this point, and he looked to be on the verge of a complete breakdown. His voice twisted into a mocking smile as he said, "Gee, kid! Sure am sorry your legs are busted up! Golly, kid! Sure am sorry you might never walk right again! Gee, kid! Sure am fucking sorry your house is gone, sorry you've got burn scars that'll never heal!"_

_"Ryan, that's not-!"_

_"Gee, kid! Sure am sorry your parents are dead, but that's my fault, too, isn't it?!"_

_He breathed heavily, tears falling freely. There was a heavy silence between the two for a moment, and Ryan dropped to his knees as the realization struck him._

It is, isn't it…

_"… It's my fault. I wanna tell him. Christ, Tiff. I wanna tell him more than anything, and seein' him like that hurts. It hurts,_ so goddamned much."

_He hated himself for what he'd caused, for everything he'd sacrificed, and still never gained anything. She remained silent, however. In some ways, that was worse than anything else. He wished she'd yell back at him; he wished she'd shout, or throw him out, or even hit him._

_Anything. Anything but that horrible, disappointed silence._

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_**My, my, you certainly seem to have an awful lot of these buried down in there**_, _a soft voice called out to him._

_"Zuh-what? Dafuq?" Ryan said, looking around sharply._

_Seriously? Again with the chaos?_

_"Damn, dude. This shit's gettin' old." Ryan complained, gazing about at the whirlwind of chaos that enveloped him, lights and colors flying too quickly for him to catch a glimpse of._

_**Oh, tish posh. You humans just have terrible taste.**_

_"… You mind tellin' me just what you were doin', snoopin' around in my head, Discord?" Ryan asked haughtily._

**_Why, I never!_**_ Discord answered, and he sounded offended. __**As if I would ever dig around in another's mind!**_

_"Yeah, like you ain't been doin' that since the beginning."_

_**Oh, come now, dear boy**_._ He explained. __**The mind is the final sanctuary, the last, true safeguard against madness; I would never dare breach that. Even 'I' have standards.**_

_He managed to catch Ryan's curiosity with that. "So, how are you in my head? You don't find that a little hypocritical?"_

_**Details, shmetails**__, the unseen Discord yawned.__** Any memory with enough strength will always stay at the top of the pile, regardless of how large or small the pile is. I'm not 'digging through' anything, per se; I'm just taking a little peek at the top while you nap, is all.**_

_If anything, this only served to make Ryan even more confused than he was before._

_"… Okay, the fuck is that supposed to mean?"_

_**It means you aren't nearly as clever as I'd hoped you were, and aren't half as clever as you need to be.**_

_"Fuck you, old man."_

_Discord chuckled, and it was completely devoid of malice. It sounded a little bored, really; almost like the lime green cutie-markless pony in the 8-Bits. After what seemed like a couple of minutes of silence, Ryan spoke again._

_"… Sure am here a lot longer than usual." He said. If he could feel his feet, he'd have been tapping them impatiently._

_**Oh, that's not my fault.**__ Discord claimed.__** That's all up to you, my boy.**_

_"Huh." And with that, the vortex began to fade. Which was surprising enough, in itself. Before it all vanished completely, Ryan had to ask._

_"Hey! Am I dead yet?"_

_Discord laughed heartily, and this time, it actually felt warmer than the last one_.**_ Dead? What are you, kidding?_**_ He cackled, and if he could see him, Ryan would have guessed that Discord was clutching his stomach in glee.__** Do you think I spent all that energy and effort in keeping you alive that I'd let you die now?**_

_"Wait, what?"_

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It was warm.

It was so comfortable, compared to that modified straw bed that Twilight had given him. Hell, it was even better than his old, worn out mattress that he'd come to love. He'd grown a little sweaty from the warmth, but he didn't mind.

A smile slowly flittered across his face, and the evening sun gently warmed his cheeks. He knew he should stretch, but this happy moment… he just wanted it to last. It felt good to relax, for once. Nice to relax after all the work. Especially after all that excitement, and the nonstop climbing, and the dragon, and –

"The_ kids!_" Ryan gasped in worry, lurching upright. A blazing pain shot through his back, and he screamed in pain. The edges of his vision blurred for a moment, and a light blue hoof gently pushed him back down onto the sofa. His ears were still ringing, though he could make out what the pony was saying eventually.

"Easy, there. You're going to be okay, you hear me? Easy, easy. You're all right. You're gonna be okay, just lie down now. Everything's going to be fine." It took him a couple of moments to realize that the tone she was speaking to him in was the exact tone a person would use to calm a spooked horse.

Ironic, in a way.

Ryan slowed his breathing the best he could, and began taking in his new surroundings. Starting with himself.

Firstly, he'd evidently been bandaged up once again. This time, however, the wounds were much more professionally covered, with glean egg-white gauze instead of linens. He tried to reach up to feel his face, only to discover that one of his hands had been handcuffed to the leg of the pea green sofa.

He fingered it for a moment, giving the unicorn a vicious glare. She merely chuckled nervously, taking his hands in her hooves. "I hope you're not too angry about the hoofcuffs," she said. As she drew closer, he saw that her cutie mark displayed some kind of harp. "but it was for your own good. You were thrashing about an awful lot while you were unconscious, and we couldn't afford to have you moving around too much without you bleeding all over the place."

As a matter of fact, looking around the small living room, Ryan immediately noticed a rather blatant lack of shattered glass or blood.

And, better yet, a blatant lack of splattered Ryan.

It was like the little pony had read his mind. "Oh, we _had _to move you from Berry Punch's house. Wow, that's _never _coming out of her carpet. But we got a doctor here as fast as we could, and, um… well, you seem to know the rest." She fidgeted awkwardly. Her bright yellow eyes displayed some discomfort, but she didn't say anything.

It took Ryan the longest to figure out what he normally would have realized first and foremost. Perhaps it was spending too much time with the ponies. Perhaps he'd just suffered brain damage. Really, either one wouldn't have surprised him much.

He noticed that the unicorn, like most of the other ponies, was completely naked.

So was he.

"OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" he yelled, doing his best to cover himself. The one hoofcuff (handcuff?) wasn't doing much to help, and any time he moved the burning sensation went through his back again, and his bandages shifted awkwardly.

"Hold on, hold on!" the mint colored unicorn yelped, trying to hold him down by the chest. "I just got those bandages tightened back up, you are not going to start bleeding all over Bon-Bon's couch again!"

"FUCK YOU, I'M ALREADY BLEEDING!"

After a couple moments of struggle, Ryan realized just how very weak he was. It was difficult to strain his muscles, and even this weak little cyan maned unicorn was stronger than he was.

"If it really means that much to you, you can have the shirt back." she said gently, trying to calm him down.

"Bitch, forget the shirt, gimme the fuckin' _pants!_"

She blinked at him, pulling over the tan pair of silky pants that Rarity had fashioned for him. One minor detail he noticed as he tried to distract himself from the severe awkwardness of the situation was that the pants weren't nearly as bloody as he expected them to be – ripped in many places, but they looked like they'd been recently cleaned, along with the shirt.

She picked the pants up in her mouth, before leaning over him to help him fit his legs into them.

"Other direction." He said bluntly.

She nodded, focusing, before struggling to help him get the pants on. After a couple of strained moments, the pants snagged on his hip with another piece of the cloth. She tugged a couple of times, dropping it out of her mouth and using her hooves to pull.

Apparently, this unicorn had forgotten that she was… well, a unicorn.

"Aw, shit. It's probably the lighter, caught on it." Ryan tried to reach for it, but because of his injury, he could only reach so far down on one side. The other arm was still cuffed tightly to the sofa.

"Lighter?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah, it's probably on a snag or somethin'. It's in my pocket."

She immediately shoved her hoof in his pocket, straining to get the lighter.

"Fuck, cut that out! That – ha ha! - that tickles! That's not even the right pocket!" he said.

"Er…" the unicorn began nervously. She still hadn't taken her hoof out of his pocket.

"… What?"

"… I'm stuck."

_"… What?"_

"… I'm _stuck,_" she said in despair. "I think there's-"

"A big-ass fuckin' hole in my pocket," Ryan finished miserably. "Fuckin' A."

"Hang on, maybe if I can maneuver properly, then-" she struggled, trying not to rip the pants even worse. Instead, her hoof only became entangled more deeply. Unfortunately for Ryan, it had been quite a while since he'd even thought of the last time someone had a hand in his pants, and now was not the time for that particular memory to resurface. Even though it did.

Even worse, it brought friends.

Only imagining the horrid talk that would follow should he accidentally make this worse than it already was, Ryan only became more anxious.

"Cut that out! It tickles like hell, and you're just makin' it worse! Let me get it, I can-"

"I got the lighter, I got it!" the unicorn insisted, clambering atop him. She straddled him awkwardly, with one hoof tucked between her other legs as she pulled, desperately trying to free herself. The cyan colored hair dropped into his face, and a streak of white tickled his nose.

Meaning it was the worst possible time for Ryan to inhale, causing him to sneeze and twitch violently.

The poor pony on top of him struggled with a scream, her hoof twisting oddly as she began to flail about, trying to pull her hoof free from the ripped and tangled fabric. Ryan began to tip cumbersomely off the sofa, and the cuff on his wrist pulled mercilessly, as did the injury on his back. Frantic not to cause himself anymore pain than necessary, he clutched the pony's free hoof with his spare hand in order to keep his balance.

The pair stopped suddenly as they heard the quiet creak of an opening and closing door, shortly followed by a large procession of worried ponies.

A large procession of ponies that had been, until quite recently, been talking quite animatedly.

It was so silent you could have heard a pin drop.

From the top of a building.

In _Canterlot._

"… Wow, that lighter's bigger than I expected."

Fluttershy fainted.

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**Author's Note:**

Because one can never give Ryan a break.


	15. Ch15: Sweet Music

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"… Ryan, that's _insane_."

"Yeah, well… that's what happened." He shrugged at Twilight, which was easier for him now that he was at least half clothed. He'd really have preferred to have his shirt back, as well, but he'd pulled his wound back open in all his flailing. There was now a jagged rip along his back, running from his right hip all the way to his left shoulder blade. It would leave a wicked scar, no doubt; directly over the tattoo of the shark's maw, almost as if attempting to cancel it out.

"How could you have been knocked all the way to _Ponyville_?" she asked, dumbfounded. As it turned out, they'd spent hours searching the woods nearby, but to no avail. Rainbow Dash had gone flying into town to find backup when she discovered a very angry, very talkative, very _drunk _Berry Punch, loudly proclaiming to all who would listen about how the entire universe was out to get her.

"Uh… it was a pretty big dragon." Ryan said flippantly. It was indeed a very large sized lizard.

"By all rights, you should be _dead_," Twilight said seriously, giving him a level look. Even Applejack looked a little nervous. He was beginning to realize that Bon-Bon's house was a little too small to fit everybody comfortably. "Look. There's simply no way that anything of your _mass_, let alone durability (or lack thereof) should possibly survive what would've killed just about _anything _else outright!"

"Ah'm thinkin' she's got a point there, sugarcube," the orange pony said lowly. "Ah mean, you looked kinda all banged up, even 'fore you got a good kick in the head."

"Actually, now that you mention it," Rarity interrupted, stepping forward. "you were practically covered in nicks and cuts the last time I saw you without clothes." The light blue unicorn flushed slightly at this, but if any of the others noticed, they said nothing. "I measured _every cubic centimeter_ of your body, and let me tell you, I know when there are changes to it. Oh, you've got plenty of scrapes and bruises, all right…" Rarity trailed off, and Twilight picked up for her.

"But none of them are ever in the same place. Care to explain how they seem to keep moving around?"

_**Tell her, a benevolent benefactor belied borderline death sentences.**_

"A benedict bun factor betrayed busty dell knickers."

Ryan could swear he heard a quiet facepalm somewhere.

"… What?" Twilight asked, confused.

"Uh…" Ryan stuttered. "There's somebody out there that really wants me to stay alive."

"Oh," Twilight said, satisfied at the answer. After a moment, she shook her head, eyes wide with shock. "Wait, what?"

"Yeah, he's usin' some mojo shit to keep me alive."

_"Who?"_

"D-"

**_Don't say my name!_** Ryan heard, and he froze. None of the others seemed to hear it, though.

_Why not?_

**_Suspense, dear boy! Suspense! Make something up; you're a good liar._**

He didn't like it, but he went along with the idea. Especially considering the fact that Discord had apparently saved his ass, yet again, the strange being probably considered it the least he could do.

"Didn't say," Ryan finished lamely, realizing that he'd been holding his breath at a bunch of staring, silent ponies.

"… Ryan, you're a _terrible _liar." Twilight said, deadpanning.

Pinkie Pie was oddly quiet, he noted. She was normally so insanely talkative, and sometimes outright obnoxious. She looked a little worried about something, and her tail kept twitching at odd intervals.

"Look, he doesn't want me to say just yet. But if he's pulled my ass out of the fire this many times, he can't be _all _bad, right?"

The poor, poor bastard.

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Twilight didn't like the thought of some being that she didn't know the name of working magic that she couldn't keep track of, but since it bothered Twilight that badly, it only made Ryan more insistent on not pressing the matter. He'd slowly grown more and more distrustful of the unicorn, although whether it was because of the fact that she never seemed to look him in the eye when he asked her about getting home, or just because she was a unicorn and used magic by nature he didn't know.

_Speaking of unicorns…_

Twilight had demanded that he remain at the house he was already in for a while, at least until his wounds healed up a little more. True, he _should _be dead from the massive beating his poor body had taken over the course of the past few weeks. Then again, he was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He found it supremely unfair whenever he tried to sit up, and found that he couldn't due to the injury on his back.

Not to say that he couldn't move if he wanted to; but it was almost guaranteed to rip open that back scar again. Also, one of his legs seemed to have a couple of torn ligaments, and although it hurt like hell, so long as he didn't move his right leg too often he'd be fine. Before too long, everyone else had left to carry on their business, leaving Ryan with the cerulean unicorn with a white streak in her hair.

Fluttershy had been the last to leave, cantering up to him and giving him a small nuzzle goodbye before she left to take care of some animals she'd allowed into her cottage/tree/thing. He would've guessed she felt a little guilty about letting him get so torn up by the dragon.

Hm. He could use that…

He briefly wondered if that had been the reason Rainbow Dash and Pinkie had been so quiet, too.

_More fuel for the flames_, he thought to himself gleefully. He'd have rubbed his hands together, but to his dismay, he remembered that he couldn't. He was about to shoot off some crude remark about the lack of competence of leaving a handcuffed dragon victim to an empty room, before he realized that the light blue unicorn was still there.

He blinked, staring at her. She stared right back, sitting oddly in a chair across from him. It took him a moment to realize why she looked so strange as she sat, before he realized that this was probably the first time he'd ever seen a pony sit like a normal human being. He vaguely wondered just how long she'd been staring at him.

"You, uh… you gonna let me out of these…?" he asked gruffly, lifting his cuffed hand gingerly. Ryan hated handcuffs.

"Hm? O-oh! Yes, of course!" she said distractedly. "I-I'm sorry, I suppose I just got so caught up in the excitement, I, um…"

"Forgot the bleeding guy handcuffed to a fuckin' couch." Ryan said bluntly, glaring at her.

"I'm sorry! I really am; I just…" she said as she dug around through the drawers of a nearby desk, looking around beneath tables and through different rooms. "I don't know where Bon-Bon keeps the keys…"

"What do you even need 'cuffs for in the first place?" Ryan asked, furrowing his brows.

She immediately flushed a deep shade of pink, and he guessed almost immediately.

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

"I'll find those keys, I'll find them!" she said a little too loudly, brusquely tossing about random objects from the drawers as she did her best not to look embarrassed. After about ten minutes of solid searching, she began to re-search the room Ryan was currently in. A thought struck him, and he felt a little stupid for not asking it before.

"Hey."

"Um, Lyra." She said sheepishly.

_Hail, Dawnbreaker._

He shoved the thought out of his head immediately. It made him undecidedly nervous.

"Lyra. Great. I'm Ryan." He said, extending a hand. She took it in her hooves gingerly, staring at his much larger hand like it was a gift from above.

"Ryan," she said, rolling the word around in her mouth absentmindedly, still preoccupied with gazing at his hand as she slowly rolled it over and felt it tenderly. Her hoof brushed one of his older scars. That was another thing he noticed; none of his older scars ever seemed to heal, only the one's he'd developed since he arrived in Equestria. He didn't know if that was useful information or not, but he mentally tucked it away for later.

"Look. Uh, Lyra." He said, freeing his one hand from her grasp and slowly tilting her head up to meet his eyes. He hadn't noticed before just how brilliantly honey colored they were; almost too bright. He liked the color. His hand slowly wound its way up the side of her face, so as to avoid any sudden movements. She was already rattled as it was, and he'd had his experiences with spooked animals, thinking that ponies must share some of the same features. His fingers danced lightly up her cheek, feeling that they were steadily growing hotter, and slowly grazing the horn atop her head.

"… You're a fuckin' unicorn."

"Huh?" she sputtered, not realizing that she'd stopped breathing.

_"Yew-nih-corn."_ Ryan pronounced slowly. "You got that magic shit, right? So what do you need keys for?"

Lyra stared directly into his eyes for a full beat, before her hoof hit her face in exasperation. He was right, of course; she hated getting flustered. It kept her from thinking straight.

"Right, right," she said, wiping her brow. She'd suddenly begun sweating uncomfortably. After a couple seconds of concentration, her horn glowed with a soft blue light, and he felt the cuff on his wrist open with a little snap. Ryan grabbed his wrist, rubbing it tenderly.

"It's about fuckin' time," he grumbled, trying to make himself more comfortable on the sofa without hurting himself further.

"I-I'm sorry…" Lyra stammered. Upon seeing him try to move, she promptly said "Here, let me help."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, _no_," he said, holding up a hand just in time to stop her from assisting him. "The last time you tried 'helping', I wound up gettin' straddled."

"I'm… I'm sorry…" she said mournfully, her head dropping.

_… Aw, fuck._

"Christ," he muttered. "I swear to God, you little shits send me on so many guilt trips, I oughta be getting' _frequent flier miles_ by now." he stared at her for a moment, and she really did look regretful. He sighed heavily, seeing no change in her.

"… Ya know, it's a real pain in the ass, tryin' to move without my back rippin' open. I could probably use some help." He said slowly.

Her eyes widened hopefully, and that little gleam came back into them. She happily helped him move, though it took longer than he would've liked. He grumbled unhappily, thinking.

"… Hey, can't you fix this?" he asked the air, awaiting an answer from Discord. When none came, he realized that Lyra was staring at him strangely.

"… Oh, uh… I was contacting the Mother Ship."

She nodded, before her jaw dropped. "Wait, what?"

"It's a joke. Ya know… ha ha?" Ryan said.

"Oh, right," she grinned, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof. "Ha, ha. Yeah." Lyra said self-consciously. She smiled softly, reclaiming her place in the chair a bit pensively.

Maybe it was just Lyra in particular, or maybe it was all the time he'd spent in Equestria. Either way, it disturbed him just how much she seemed… human. Weirdly enough, that thought was also a little comforting. The ponies were fine, and all; but he missed human company. He missed not looking down on everyone, even though due to his height he usually did that anyway.

He missed his family.

Or, at least, what was left of it.

If they were even still alive.

It was all that 'Doctor' guy's fault… it had to have been, Ryan was convinced of it. Ryan was already on his way to his cousins when he got the message from the younger of the twins, Donald. It merely asked him to look behind his bookcase.

What followed was an enormous clusterfuck of logic, involving dimensional jumping, a phone booth that was larger on the inside, the afterlife, time jumps, and some kind of souped-up alien parasite with a vendetta about a jillion years old.

No, his cousins needed him now, more than ever. It almost made the physical wounds preferable to the ones he felt, knowing that there was nothing he could do to help them. Ryan _hated _feeling helpless.

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_Ryan hated feeling helpless._

_How Clara even talked him into it was a surprise; but, then again, Ryan had a particular weakness for whipped cream._

_Especially when it was used as a form of clothing._

_She'd handcuffed his hand to the bedpost, and clambered atop him. For some reason, his side twinged uncomfortably, and it was bothering him more and more._

_"Clara, I don't think this was a good idea-"_

_She shushed him, roughly placing a single finger over his mouth. "Oh, what's the matter? Just a little afraid of not being the one with all the power?"_

That_ should have tipped him off immediately. He'd curse himself later for not figuring it out. His side twinged again, more painfully than last time. His left side was beginning to hurt, which he attributed to the handcuffs._

_He was beginning to hate handcuffs._

_"No, that's not it, I just-"_

_"Well, aren't you excited?" she asked, clutching his hair._

_"Agh! Christ, Clara, that hurt! What are you, c-" he cut himself off, refusing to call her crazy. Sure, she might be a 'little' off, but that didn't mean she was full blown psycho… right?_

_"Oh, Ry-Pie," she said, and his left side began convulsing slightly. "when will you learn? It's always more_ fun_ if there's a little pain; haven't you almost died before?"_

_"Yeah, but-"_

_"And you remember the_ thrill _you felt when you got to live?"_

_Oh, he did NOT like where this was going. He promptly suspected that the whipped cream might not have been 'all natural', after all._

_"Cl-Clara, I… I can't…!"_

_"What?" she asked mockingly, her face twisting into a cruel leer. "Can't feel your left side? Can't_ breathe_ so well?" she held up a little vial, showing it to him. "Well, I hope you like excitement Ry-Pie. I hope you like_ living,_ Ry-Pie. Because if you do, you're going to fucking_ work_ for the antidote."_

_That helpless feeling. Oh, how he hated it. Almost as much as he hated having his trust betrayed._

_If only he could reach that phone… maybe he'd have a chance._

_Ryan awoke to the sound of an EKG machine._

_"Wassup, amigo?"_

_"Shit!" Ryan lurched, hitting the bar on the side of the hospital bed. The crisp, white sheets rustled as Ryan shifted, eyes darting about in panic._

_"Whoa, chill," Carlos Caesar said, crossing his arms. Ryan's breathing slowly panned out, and he balled his left hand up into a fist. It was good to know he could still feel it._

_"… What happened?" Ryan asked._

_Carlos never smiled at him. Carlos never showed any kind of emotion, for any reason._

_Ever._

_He started collecting an awful lot of good reasons to never trust Carlos._

_Ryan sometimes wondered if Carlos could even feel; they'd known each other for years now, but he'd never even seen him bat an eye. It was like he was always staring. Always watching._

_"You tried calling the cops when your psycho-bitch girlfriend poisoned you. You, of all people, calling the police for help. Funnily ironic, isn't it?" he said mirthlessly, always keeping his blank face._

_"Clara? Is she... here?" Ryan asked nervously, looking around as if Carlos might be hiding her behind him._

_"No. No, I've already… taken care of your problem." Carlos said matter-of-factly as he left, and Ryan felt the pit of his stomach drop._

_Ryan knew exactly how Carlos tended to take care of problems._

_He didn't want to think about it, but he already knew what he'd find when he left the hospital._

_Nothing._

_Absolutely nothing at all._

_That was what Carlos did, it was how he operated; he never left any traces, he never left a mess. And if the rumors were true about the 'arguments' between Carlos and his boss Victor, then one of them was likely to be 'solved' before long, too._

_And when it happened, Ryan was pretty certain Carlos was going to walk out of the building with one less problem._

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"… What were their names?"

"Whuzzat?" Ryan asked blearily. His eyes opened and closed a few times. He'd hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep. He stretched groggily, before a searing hot pain shot jaggedly across his back. Ryan cried out in agony, freezing up.

"Whoa, it's okay," Lyra said soothingly as she carefully maneuvered him. She held a damp, cold cloth telekinetically, and used her two front hooves to gently help him lie back down. "You're going to be fine. Just stop moving, already."

The pain in his back felt like it took forever to fade, though it eventually began to go away. He hadn't realized just how tightly his jaw had been clenched to keep himself from shouting, and he slowly relaxed his muscles. His back still hurt like hell, though. To top it off, it felt like he'd aggravated his right leg, as well.

It was silent for a little while. Lyra resumed using the damp cloth to lightly pat down his forehead, wiping up any sweat that collected there. He was beginning to wonder if he had a fever, or had contracted some illness from any of those dragon wounds.

"You're fine," Lyra reiterated, as if reading his mind. "you just looked like… you were in a really bad place." She said softly, looking down at him as he looked up. The result was… strange, to say the least. If he thought that ponies looked weird right side up, then they were doubly so upside down.

"… What did you ask?" he grumbled, weakly trying to shove her away. He gave up after a couple tries, though, and allowed her to continue.

"Hm? Oh. You… just looked really worried about somepony." Lyra said. "You kept groaning things like, 'gotta get back', and 'are they safe?' and 'I never should have gotten tattoos while drunk', and-"

"I got it, I got it." Ryan cut her off.

"By the way, who's Juanita?"

"A bad decision on my part," he groaned. Christ almighty, were there any inhabitants in Ponyville that _hadn't_ yet seen his ass?

She fell silent after a while, simply resuming her soft brushing with the cloth. He hadn't realized before just how late in the afternoon it had become.

A few minutes of quiet later, Ryan spoke.

"Miller."

"Hm?" she looked at him curiously.

"Miller. It's my last name, and my cousins. They're twins. Had a birthday not too long ago; I think they're sixteen this year. Donald. Donald and Danielle. They're good kids. I visit every couple of weeks, make sure they're okay, but it's hard on 'em since their mom died and my uncle went AWOL. They need whatever money they can get, and I get 'em whatever I can."

Lyra blinked at him. She really hadn't expected this sudden burst of information. Ryan was a little surprised at himself, as well. For as long as he'd been in Equestria, he'd never spilled his heart out like this before.

"I gotta get back to them, I _have _to. I'm all they got left. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to get home. I'm just… I'm worried, is all."

"… I understand." Lyra said almost noiselessly, sighing as she sat down on the sofa next to him. He sounded so... _tired._ Unexpectedly, she took his hand in her hooves and held onto it, like it was a butterfly she didn't want to fly away. "I know what it's like to worry about somepony else, how much it hurts if you can't be there for them…"

"I know what it's like to… lose somepony you care about." She finished softly. She looked crestfallen, but then she did something Ryan didn't expect once again.

"Bon-Bon helped me, when I had nopony else. She helped me, even when I'd start ranting on about hands because nopony else would listen to me anymore. She helped me, even though I didn't deserve the trust and friendship she extended to me. Even when I'd already lost nearly everything, and still couldn't make enough money to really help, Bon-Bon helped me. Not just because she's a friend," she said, looking him straight in the eye. "I never trusted anypony else, really. And that's why I kept losing everything; only trusting myself, never opening up. You're doing the exact same thing, and I can see it."

Ryan wanted to speak, to say something, but he couldn't seem to find anything to say.

"Those ponies, that spent hours upon _hours _searching the Everfree Forest for you? Why do you think they did that?" she asked him.

He thought for a moment, and replied "Because they wanted their stuff back. Duh. I had, like, three of their packs on me."

She stared at him for almost a full minute, in a near squint. "… Do you _really _believe that?"

"What?"

"… Sweet Celestia, Twilight was right. You really _are _as dense as you are clueless."

"… What?"

Lyra facehoofed, as if he'd just said something unbearably stupid. "They weren't looking for their stupid saddlebags, they were looking for _you_, you… you big, stupid ape!"

"… Oh." And that was all Ryan managed to muster.

"They spent_ all that time_ looking for you," she went on, shaking him roughly. "they tried _everything _they could to find you, because they care about you. You don't think Twilight spent hours and hours on end, studying every kind of healing spell she could get her _hooves _on, _every time_ you got cut up?"

Ryan blanched, but Lyra ranted on. "Oh, yeah. She made _damned _sure she was right there, by your side, every time you got hurt! And you want to know why?"

Ryan got the feeling that he knew what the answer was going to be. Instead, Lyra surprised him once again.

And not the pleasant 'Pinkie brought extra cake' surprise.

"… She cries at night, you know."

He was thankful that she eventually stopped, as she had finally seen just how much she hurt him. It felt like he had something stuck in his throat.

_Huh. I don't remember eating golf balls._

Lyra watched him carefully, biting her lower lip. She hadn't meant to be that brunt about it. "Look," she said, trying to change the subject. "you might have fantastical anatomy, sure. But Twilight's still… a good kid. I don't want to see her get hurt any more than I do you, but if it comes down to it…" she left it hanging.

"… She's a capable, competent young adult, you know." Ryan said huskily.

"… Did Twilight tell you to say that?" she asked.

"… Yes."

Lyra giggled a little, and Ryan gave a weak grin. The sad look crept back onto her face before too long, though.

After yet another long stretch of uncomfortable silence, Ryan cleared his throat. It was a little difficult speaking; he couldn't remember the last time he had water.

_Oh, yeah. It was right before I got bitchslapped by a pony Geico sponsor._

"… Do you still have a hard time?"

Lyra blinked, looking down at him.

"Trusting others, I mean. Is it really that hard for you?"

She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but nothing came out. A light pink slowly rose in her cheeks, and she gradually nodded contemplatively.

This time, it was Ryan's turn to surprise her.

He slowly wound his arms around her neck, giving her a hug.

Lyra wasn't sure what flabbergasted her more. The fact that he'd given her a hug, or that she'd actually hugged him back.

And when they finally fell asleep, they stayed in each other's arms, just like that.

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Bon-Bon was having a hell of a day.

She'd worked her tail off, but her hard work had finally come to fruition; she'd sold every single confectionary she made that day, and even came home with a couple of extra bits that generous patrons had tipped.

She sighed heavily as she opened the door to her home, finding all the lights out.

_Lyra probably forgot to turn any of them on again_, Bon-Bon thought to herself. Lyra usually stayed up until Bon-Bon returned whenever she worked late, although she should've expected as much. The girl could be forgetful at times, and judging from the lack of lights, she'd say Lyra must've had a busy day.

Over the years, they'd grown to know each other fairly well.

That was the thought running happily through a tired but satisfied Bon-Bon's mind as she carefully lit a lamp in the living room.

Which was promptly ruined by an extensively loud "WHAT THE _BUCK_, LYRA!?"

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**Author's Note:**

Since a couple of people have personally asked me (instead of JUST POSTING A COMMENT, so that multiple people wouldn't have to message,) if Ryan's memories are in the right order, because they seem a little jumbled.

That's because they ARE jumbled. I mean, seriously, who experiences memories in chronological order?

Nobody, that's who.

I'm just insisting on a bit of realism in my fic.

Granted, asking for realism in a fic about anthropomorphic ponies seems like a bit much to ask for, but I digress.


	16. Ch16: Should Have Turned My Swag Off

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"Okay, okay, o- aagh, fuck!" Ryan yelped, falling to the ground.

"Hang on, you can do it." Lyra stated, helping him to his feet. "Just a little further, and we're done for the day."

Ryan started healing at a fast pace; however, it still wasn't enough to cover the extent of his injuries. He hobbled along the best he could, putting all his weight on his left leg. He'd fallen into the habit of walking with a slight crouch, so as to avoid hurting his back anymore. Even then, ripples of pain would randomly shoot through his gash, forcing him to the floor in agony.

As a result, he'd slowly become more skittish, and reluctant to move in anything more than a slow shuffle.

Lyra hated seeing him like this.

Every morning, Lyra would help Ryan to his feet, gradually making certain he could begin moving without too much pain. He'd slowly begun to pick up pace, although that was the only real progress they made.

The pair slowly made their way down the street, making a beeline for the library.

"Easy, now; that's it. Just a little further." Lyra urged him on, careful to stay close in case he fell again. He hated relying on her so much, although he supposed he should have been thankful. Out of all the ponies that had either come to visit him or tried to help, Lyra was the only one there every hour, of every day.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was healing inside her house.

Either way, by the time he could walk (or at least shuffle) again, he finally talked Twilight into allowing him to stay at the library once again. Provided, of course, that he could make it there himself.

He gritted his teeth, running his hands along the cool stone wall of a building. One way or another; he'd get there.

It took him a full beat before he realized that he'd just passed the 8-Bits.

"… Fuck me with a shovel."

"Sounds kinky, but I think I'll pass," Lyra said dryly, giving him a grin. She always had an answer to whatever he said, every time. It helped that she had a better sense of humor than Ryan did.

He twisted his head around, trying to get a good look at the place, but it was already gone.

"At least it can't get any worse," he grumbled, continuing his slow march forward, the library gradually coming into sight. It seemed so much farther away than it really was…

By the time they finally arrived, Ryan was drenched.

Not just because of the sweat, but because half way there, it began pouring down rain.

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"Ugh. 'Kay, next one." Spike moaned, extending a claw.

"That's all the letters for today, Spike." Twilight said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. She'd worked all through the night, but every single letter had finally been reorganized.

"Really?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes, Spike," she said reassuringly as she took a small sip. "really." She was still a bit angry at the baby dragon for falling for Ryan's ruses so easily, but in his defense, he was still technically just a _baby _dragon. She hadn't expected Ryan to forge her writing, and she'd gone through every single letter she had at _least _four times, making certain that she still had copies of every single one.

Oh, Princess Celestia was less than pleased at receiving spam mail.

But, after so much work, all the chaos in Canterlot Ryan had inadvertently (or, for all she knew, quite deliberately) caused had finally been brought into check. It would be a long time before she finally lived down the Princess's livid replies of '_jam a shovel WHERE?!_ Ryan would do anything to upset the balance, in all likelihood.

As to why Princess Celestia sent her twenty-six crates of bananas was still a mystery, because according to her, she never got any letters from 'Twilight' asking for bananas.

Still, they were high in potassium, and they were likely to last a while. So, in short, everyone in Ponyville got free bananas that day.

Twilight was just about ready to settle down with a good book, when her front door inconspicuously opened with all the quiet collectiveness of an angry panda with its paw caught in a blender.

_WHAM!_

"Coming through!"

"Oh, my goodness, it's _everywhere!"_

"Y'all better get yer hooves ta _yerselves_, or _my _hoof's goin' up one a' yer _rears!"_

_"Sweet Christ, my leg!"_

It was, quite simply, a cornucopia of ponies, pinches, puddles and pain.

Lyra was the first to detangle herself from the group, closing the door behind them to keep the storm out. It had slowly grown into a behemoth of a thunderstorm, rain whipping this way and that in the fierce wind.

Rarity clambered off of Applejack in what she hoped was a collected and ladylike demeanor, patting down her hair. It was no use, however; the rain had it sopping wet.

Applejack, coated in mud, wiped her hooves on the mat beneath her. She was likely to have continued doing so, had the 'mat' in question not groaned loudly and shoved her off.

"You're here awfully late, especially in the middle of a storm," Twilight noted. "is something the matter?"

"Take a wild guess, darlin'," Applejack said dryly. It was the only dry thing about her. She shook her hat off, placing it deftly back on top of her head. "That out there's a heckuva storm, bigger'n the last one!"

"Yes, well, dear," Rarity said, looking in disgust at the newly muddied Ryan. "what else can one expect when the weather patrol slacks off?"

Ryan thought for a moment, leaning against a wall. "There's a weather patrol?" he asked. He hadn't even heard of any such thing.

"It's mainly Pegasi," Twilight interjected helpfully. "didn't you know that?"

"No," Ryan said, shaking his shaggy black hair back and forth, water droplets flying everywhere. Rarity stepped back in horror before any of the water could land on her. "Nobody tells me jack shit."

It was mainly true; not many of the inhabitants of Ponyville, not even Twilight, had told him very much about the place he was living in. Then again, any time he had questions, he never asked for an answer. Partially because he'd made the mistake of asking Twilight to explain something once before, and it had taken six hours to get her to stop.

Secondly, (Ryan happened to be more than a little insecure) he just didn't want to look like he didn't know what was going on in front of anybody else.

He was failing horribly at it most of the time.

"Are you going to be okay from here on out?" Lyra asked Ryan, tilting her head slightly to get the water out of her ear.

"Wha- don't tell me you're planning on going _back _through that," he pointed out the window, dumbfounded.

"Bon-Bon's waiting on me," she said, blushing slightly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were concerned about my well-being."

"Hey, _fuck _your well-being." Ryan said grumpily, although a small smirk began creeping onto his face.

Twilight looked between the unlikely pair for a couple of moments, thinking.

Lyra merely shook her head with a small smile, and looked out the window. "Remember what I said, now."

"The feather is erotic, it's only kinky when you use the whole chicke-"

_"Not that, not that!"_ she blurted quickly, cutting him off. "I meant, about help! If you need help, you know where to, um… where to find me." she finished lamely, color flying into her cheeks when she realized the others were staring at her.

Particularly Ryan, who had the largest, shark-like grin on his face she'd ever seen.

"Oh, hey, look at the time," Lyra said absentmindedly as she checked a nonexistent watch on her wrist. "gotta go, bye!" she said breathlessly, slipping out the door and into the storm. Ryan was half-tempted to stick his head out after her.

And tell her that she'd run off in the wrong direction.

After a couple moments of quiet dripping, Twilight stared at Rarity and Applejack. Rarity was the first to get the message.

"Oh, darling, you can't be serious – would you really throw two of your _best _friends out into the storm like that?"

Twilight sighed heavily, putting down her cup. "I suppose not… Ooh! Idea!"

_Aw, fuck._

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Applejack asked coyly.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

"Slumber party!" the three ponies cheered.

_Well, _Ryan thought to himself as he sank down into a chair, _at least Spike looks as pissed as I do._

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Things were not going as Twilight had planned. She even made a checklist.

"Because some ponies actually have the common _courtesy _to wipe their _hooves _off _outside_."

"And some ponies are so afraid of _dirt_, they won't even _go _outside!"

"Wallowing in _soil _is not ladylike behavior!"

"Ah don't waller, ah'm just not afraid of a little dirt!"

"Filthy!"

"Fru fru!"

_"Hooligan!"_

_"Pansy!"_

_"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" _Ryan roared, and his back twinged painfully. He shifted uncomfortably, hoping the pain wouldn't flare up again. Rarity and Applejack had been at each other's throats, nearly the entire time. Quite frankly, Twilight was glad Ryan had jarred them out of their argument. It would leave her with just enough room to hopefully help break the ice.

If Ryan had to choose between the shit storm brewing inside and the actual storm outside, he'd have a difficult time deciding.

"Er… Ooh, I know!" Twilight said excitedly, tucking away a book. "Slumber parties always have games; how about Truth or Dare?"

_If there is a God in heaven, please… don't let the little shits include me._

"Hmmph. Fine," Applejack said huffily. "Ah dare Rarity ta' get her mane all wet again."

Rarity stared at Applejack in shock, dropping the brush she'd been using. "But-but-but- I just finished!"

After a couple of moments, Rarity stomped outside while shooting one of the most venomous glares Ryan had ever seen, topped only by the demon bunny.

She trudged back in unhappily, sopping wet from top to bottom. Applejack burst into laughter, rolling onto her back.

"Oh, so that's the way it's going to be, is it?" Rarity asked, her eyes narrowing beneath her drooping wet mane. "I dare Applejack to wear the girliest, prettiest, most fru-fru dress imaginable!"

"Now, how in tarnation am I supposed ter-" she was promptly cut off as Rarity's horn glowed, and Ryan saw a rather perturbingly wicked gleam in her eye.

As it turns out, Rarity could make clothing from just about anything.

When she was finally finished, thread and spare bobby pins dropped to the floor, and Rarity tossed her mane haughtily. "My, Applejack. I must admit, you look positively stunning." She said mockingly, and Ryan could see that Applejack could barely breath through the new dress she'd been forced into.

"What the- it's-it's-it's…!"

"Beautiful? Gorgeous? _Dashing?"_

"Gol-darned awful! Git it off me!"

She did, indeed, look awfully ridiculous. At least, goofy enough that Ryan decided that maybe being caught in the crossfire wouldn't be too bad.

The poor, poor bastard.

It didn't take much from there for Rarity and Applejack to devolve into more pointless arguing.

Thunder boomed loudly, and it was nearby enough to catch their attention. Twilight took advantage of the situation, holding up a pillow.

"Er… perhaps a pillow fight will help relieve tension?" she suggested helpfully.

_Christ, the hell is she doing, checking off a list of sleepover clichés?_

"I'd be delighted, darling, but my hooficure – oof!" Rarity stumbled, taking a pillow to the face. Applejack bounced another on her front hoof, grinning evilly.

"What's the matter, sugarcube? Can't handle a little –_ applesauce!"_ she ducked as pillow flew right over her head.

"Hah! Missed –_ oof!_" another came flying directly at her, this one slapping her in the face. Rarity levitated a couple more in the air, giving Applejack a death glare when she lifted a couple of pillows and held them aloft, ready to swing.

"… Oh, it. Is. _On_."

Ryan suddenly wished he were no longer in the crossfire.

Rarity telekinetically heaved a large pillow directly overhead, and Applejack dived to the side. She swerved in close to Rarity, holding the pillow in her mouth and swinging as hard as she could.

What followed was a massive clusterfuck of pillows, feathers, and censored death threats.

Ryan idly thought to himself that these kinds of fights were usually reserved for Pay-Per-View, chin in his hand. He was fairly detached from the whole scene, for a while – at least, until he took a pillow directly to the face.

And screw how soft pillows are; at high speeds, those suckers hurt.

Ryan grinned, grabbing a pillow off the floor and limping toward the offender. He hurled it back at Applejack, who in turn grabbed it midair and swung it directly at Rarity's face. She toppled over from the impact, hitting the floor. As she fell, she used her magic to trip up Applejack, bringing her down as well. Rarity was the first up, levitating a pillow and pummeling the orange pony in the side of the head with it.

Applejack grabbed a nearby pillow in her hoof, slapping Rarity in the face with an upward swing. Rarity flew backwards, and Ryan was beginning to suspect that they might have been swinging a little harder than they normally might have.

At least, that was his thought when Rarity's freshest pillow missile hit him directly in the stomach, knocking him back into the wooden wall.

A fiery pain shot through his back, and his vision went a little dark around the edges.

"Enough, _enough!_" Twilight yelled, and her horn glowed brightly. The barrage of pillows between the two came to an eventual halt, every single one of them held aloft in the air by Twilight's magic. She carefully stacked the pillows over in the corner, trotting over to help Ryan to his feet.

Thinking quickly, she said "Um… maybe we should, er… try scary stories, instead?" she asked hopefully.

"Just no pillows," Ryan groaned.

Rarity looked a little guilty for having caused him injury, but apparently, it wasn't as strong as her loathing for Applejack.

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"… And there, dangling from the rearview mirror…" Ryan said in a spooky voice. "Was… _the hook!"_

The ponies deadpanned in unison. At least there was something they could agree upon.

"Darlin', that was jus' awful." Applejack said.

"She's right, you know. That entire story was choc full of logical inconsistencies," Twilight said thoughtfully.

"I've heard scarier stories from Sweetie Belle about what show and tell project she took to school."

"Oh, seriously, _fuck _you guys." Ryan said, throwing his hands up. He'd worked hard on the presentation for that story. "Like you could come up with anything better."

"I don't know, dear," Rarity said. "I've heard this simply _dreadful _tale of a _filthy _pony, one with absolutely _no _manners at all."

_Oh, God, Rarity, you… you cunt._

"And ah know a great one about this here sissy-frissy, namby-pamby spoiled mare with too many _complaints _and not enough _problems _ta' need 'em!" Applejack retorted.

_Please not the pillows. Please not the pillows. Please not the pillows._

"And I know a positively-"

"Hey, it sure is getting late!" Ryan spouted in a far too chipper voice. Twilight stared at him, quickly catching on.

"Oh, wow, look at the time," Twilight said, looking out the window at the still-raging storm. She let out a fake yawn, covering her mouth with her hoof. "We really should be tucking in for the night."

Thankfully, that kept Applejack and Rarity from killing each other… for now.

The three of them quickly wound their way up the stairs, leaving Ryan rather forlornly at the bottom.

Considering how much trouble he'd gone through to get back to the library, a single flight of stairs shouldn't prove to be too much trouble.

The poor, poor bastard.

Thunk. "Ow."

Thunk. "Ow."

Thunk. "Ow."

Thunk. _"Ow!"_

Thunk. "Ow."

Thunk. "Ow."

It was difficult, climbing the stairs with a nearly lame leg. He managed it, though, and even though it hurt like hell, he felt some small level of satisfaction. He did it, without help.

_Of course I did it without help. That's how I do everything; that's how it gets done right._

That didn't stop him from wishing Twilight had simply left his bed downstairs. It was quite a bit bigger than the others, and tucked away in a corner. It was neatly kept, with a deep green blanket. Compared to Lyra's sofa, it looked like heaven.

He was just about to drop into it when Twilight spoke up. "Oh, I knew I forgot something. I'll grab a couple more pillows." And with that, her horn glowed brightly, and she vanished in a flash of violet light.

Ryan stared blankly at the spot she'd been a moment before, and a few seconds later, she reappeared with a similar flash.

She was tossing them evenly between the beds, when she noticed Ryan staring.

"… What?"

"Since when can you _fucking teleport?"_

"I've been practicing for a few weeks."

"But you let me drag myself all the way up the _goddamn stairs?!"_ he shouted, balling his fists up. His back was beginning to twinge again, but he ignored it.

She was silent for a moment, and answered "So far, I can only do it short distances. And secondly, I still haven't tried it with anypony else. As far as I know, trying to teleport you with that kind of inexperience could easily turn you inside out. That's why I never just teleported you from Bon-Bon's, and I was afraid using magic to move you could wind up injuring you just as badly as carrying you myself."

"… Oh." Ryan said lamely, and he felt a little guilty about yelling at her. He quickly pushed the guilt away. It wasn't _his _fault they never told him anything. It was easier to deal with things when they weren't his fault.

"… 'kay, I'm taking my bed downstairs tonight," Spike announced. His little claws wrapped around the edges of what Ryan guessed was little more than a padded basket. He dragged it swiftly downstairs, grumbling about 'not getting involved in this one'. Applejack and Rarity had already settled into their own bed, which they were apparently sharing so that Twilight and Ryan could each have their own.

Ryan was only slightly jealous of Spike.

It took him forever to fall asleep, listening to the quiet bickering of Orange and White. It seemed like every time he started to doze off, those two would start at it again. And it was always something stupid, like hogging the blankets or too much rustling. Even Twilight seemed to be more than a little upset at their antics.

He didn't know whether it was because he was hurting and sleep deprived, or if he was just that sick of them, but using those pillows to smother the little monsters in their sleep suddenly sounded like a very logical and appealing idea to him.

"Well, I wouldn't have that problem in the first place, if you weren't so busy hogging the blankets!"

_Sweet merciful Jewish Krishna Buddha zombie Jesus, not this again._

"Ah can't hear ya, ah'm asleep." Applejack snored rather unconvincingly, and Rarity levitated a pillow and hit her with it again.

"For the love of – will you two cut it out?" Twilight snapped as she lit a lamp. Ryan hadn't noticed before that she too had bags beneath her eyes. He would've guessed that she hadn't slept in a couple of days. He felt yet another unexpected pang of guilt, although he couldn't guess why.

"Come on, ya' little shits," Ryan said, trying to sit up without hurting himself. He was getting better at it with practice. "if you two don't start getting' along, like _real _friends are supposed to do," he said, jabbing a finger at them dangerously. "I swear, I will _cunt punt_ you two so hard you'll be tastin' _toenails _for the next month."

Applejack and Rarity gaped at him, exchanging nervous glances.

"And if I'm lyin'," he said, holding up a single hand. "_May God strike me dead."_

At that precise moment, an enormous blast of lightning struck the library, shattering a tree down the middle next to the building/tree/library/thing. They all jumped at the noise, and for a moment, Ryan was very, very silent. Applejack gasped, staring out the window at the falling tree. At the rate it was going, it would hit the building next door. Rarity and Twilight realized it at the same time, but Ryan was too busy gloating to see Applejack tossing a lasso out the window, regardless of Twilight's attempt to stop her.

"HAH!" Ryan shouted, flipping the bird at the ceiling. "Fuck you, God! Bring your A-game next time!"

Ryan nearly wet himself when the tree came crashing in through the window.

Ironically enough, through another tree.

The wind roared as it whipped about the inside of the library, blowing everything about.

"See?" Twilight shouted over the storm. "I _tried _to warn you!"

"Ah can't move this thing!" Applejack cried out, desperately trying to shove it back through the newly created hole in the wall.

Ryan really wouldn't have expected Rarity, out of all of them, to get her hooves dirty. However, she stood right next to Applejack and helped to push it back out. Ryan eventually hobbled over, lending his own strength, but it still wasn't enough.

"Hey, Purple!" he shouted over the weather. "Wanna try that teleport thingy?"

"It's not a 'teleport thingy'," she said, deadpanning. "It's – wait, I have an idea! Rarity!"

Rarity's horn glowed brightly for a moment, and Twilight saw what she was doing and slowly backed away. Applejack and Ryan did the same, watching as bits of the tree were slowly pulled off and magically transformed into… topiary. Ryan and Applejack helped with the larger chunks of the tree, and Twilight steadily began rebuilding the wall.

After much work, they finally managed to completely seal off the hole. Twilight was panting heavily, looking a little sadly at her own soaked bed, which had been the closest to the window.

"Thanks fer… the helpin' hoof, Rare." Applejack said, giving her a friendly smile. "And here I thought you was 'fraid ta' get dirty."

"Well, dear…" Rarity began. "… I suppose Ryan was right in some aspects. You are my friend, after all. And I'd much rather get a little dirty than see you get squished by a tree. Most of the time."

"Well, gee, thanks… I guess." Applejack said wryly, cocking an eyebrow.

"You're most welcome." Rarity said. "Now, if you don't mind, I am simply exhausted."

"Me too," Twilight agreed, clambering into her own bed.

"Me three." Ryan groaned, carefully lying down on his, quietly thankful that it was the farthest from the window lest another tree come flying in.

_I'm not in the mood to give God any second chances._

After a while, the lamp light dimmed, until eventually, it was dark at last. The rain came pattering down relentlessly outside, and the thunder still rumbled every now and then.

Just as Ryan was beginning to fall asleep, he heard a slight rustling and felt a shifting of the covers on his side. He lurched, just in time for Rarity to shush him.

"Okay, the _fuck_…!"

"Quiet, dear." She whispered, crawling into bed next to him.

_"What are you doing?_" he whispered back, trying not to wake the others. Not that he didn't consider it.

"I-" she stopped, and Ryan could tell she was struggling, even though he couldn't see. "I'm sorry you were hurt because of me."

"Just quit with the pillows an' shit, I'll be fi-"

"That's not what I meant," she interrupted in a hushed tone. "I… I should have known better. I already knew you were hurt, and I only made it worse. I'm sorry."

Ryan breathed deeply, trying to think of the right thing to say. After much mental searching, he could only think of one thing to say.

"… I forgive you. You're still a good friend."

What he wanted to say was that, _yes_, he had partially blamed her for his injuries and that he could probably _guilt trip_ the selfish bitch, but he remained silent.

"… Thank you." she didn't leave after that, which disgruntled him slightly. After a while, her breathing slowed, and Ryan had almost fallen asleep when he felt rustling on the opposite side of the bed.

_Aw, fuck. Shit's about to get awkward._

"Who is it?" he whispered, trying not to alert Rarity.

"Nopony important, sugarcube," he heard Applejack mutter as she climbed into the bed next to him.

"What do you want?" he asked, a little brusquely.

"Well, ah…" she started nervously. "Ah just wanted to 'pologize."

"… For what?" he asked.

"Y'know, ah ain't exactly been the nicest to ya, an' ah reckon maybe Rarity was wrong about you."

_What's up with everybody and all the apologizing shit? ... Hang on, what's Rarity been saying about me? _He said nothing aloud, however, and Applejack must have taken that as a cue to continue.

"Ah reckon," she whispered as she settled in next to him. "ah reckon if Rarity don't like ya' much, then you must be pretty okay."

He wanted to push her away, and throw Rarity out at the same time. He didn't really care whether she was awake when he threw her off or not. Or at least, that's what he told himself.

He just couldn't find the heart to shove them away.

_… Aw, fuck. What is it with these little bastards and the touchy-feely crap?_

He begrudgingly accepted his fate, closing his eyes. He could deal with the fallout of them discovering each other's presence in the morning. Right now, he only wanted sleep.

And, of course, just as he began to doze off, he felt a rustling at the foot of the bed.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

"… Are you still awake?" he heard Twilight whisper, and he let out a heavy sigh.

"… Yeah." He said quietly, staring at the ceiling. Much to his not-surprise, he felt Twilight gently clamber forward, until she was resting with her head on his chest.

"… I'm sorry." She murmured sadly, and he could hear her voice beginning to crack.

"Quit cryin'."

"Hm?"

It was dark, but he see a small glint in her eyes. "You heard me."

"I-I'm not-" she lied, trying to keep her voice down.

"I won't let you. I hate makin' people cry." He said softly, and she stared back at him for a moment.

"… You were hurt because of me. I made you go face a fully grown dragon, even though you didn't want to. You almost died, and-and-" he could tell her by her voice that she was growing close to tears again.

"And if it was the only way I could keep you kids safe, I'd do the same thing again."

She stared at him oddly for a few seconds, but thankfully she didn't break out into tears.

"… You really would, wouldn't you." It wasn't a question, so much as it was a statement. She fell silent, resting her head on his chest. After a few minutes of listening to the rain patter above them, she softly whispered objectively "And I'm not a kid."

Ryan chuckled, and blissfully fell asleep.

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Spike stomped upstairs first thing in the morning.

Ryan woke up covered in mares.

_"OH, WHAT THE BUCK?!"_

**Author's Note:**

Okay, this 'chapter a day' thing is really starting to wear me down. I'll keep them coming as best I can, though.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

By the way, it seems to be an inadvertent recurring theme that whenever someone tries drinking coffee, anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong.

That's... interesting. I think I'll have a look into that for later chapters. I might have accidentally created a running gag.

Just for the record, Jerry Seinfeld is NOT someone you should listen to while trying to write a story. I had to go back and redo several parts where I'd accidentally added in 'WHAT'S UP WITH THAAAAT?'

It's weird.

Onwards, my minions! To the reviews!


	17. Ch17: Poetic Justice

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"Look, all I'm sayin' is, if he hadn't caught me by surprise, I'd have _fucked _him up." Ryan said conversationally as they walked. "I mean, Fluttershy stared him down. _Fuckin' Fluttershy."_

"Yes, Ryan, I know," Twilight said blandly for the fourth time. "I was there." She was beginning to regret telling him what happened to the dragon, as he still seemed to have some level of disbelief. Or, rather, he was just in denial that a little yellow pony had accomplished with words what he couldn't through sheer muscle. Spike sat atop her back, bored out of his mind. He was busying himself with trying to fall asleep without falling over.

With her help, Ryan had slowly begun walking again. It was more of a jagged limp at first, but he grew stronger with each passing day. Twilight noted that he was healing at a miraculous rate on several occasions, and caught him talking wildly into the air several times when he was by himself. Also, she kept walking in on him struggling with his new clothes that Rarity had made for him, as if they weren't made properly.

They weren't, coincidentally. Rarity wasn't all too pleased at her rather rude awakening.

"So, the next time some dragon comes along, I'm gonna have the upper hand, see? I mean, Boy-Scout type preparation. See how he likes takin' a couple of hand grenades to the nuts." Ryan cracked his knuckles menacingly.

Twilight sighed as they continued down the road. He really was hopeless. They passed a deep blue pegasus, walking swiftly by with his head down.

"Hail, Dawnbreaker." He muttered as he passed, and Ryan instantly recognized him as the exact same pony he'd seen making scribbled notes in the 8-Bits.

"There!" Ryan yelled loudly, whirling on the spot. Twilight jumped, but when she looked, there was nothing there.

"What? What is it?" she asked curiously, looking about.

Ryan was pensive for a moment. "… Nothing."

"Why did you waste-"

"Hey, look at all the nothin'." He cut her off, pointing around.

And it was true; Ponyville was all but deserted, aside from a single hooded pony digging for something in the middle of the street.

_"Psssst!"_

"Pinkie Pie? What – whoa!" Twilight yelled as she was jerked inside the building, and Ryan quickly followed suit. The door shut quickly behind them, and it took Ryan's eyes a moment to adjust to the dark. Just in time for him to remember the Zippo in his pocket, which flickered into life moments afterwards. The faces of several ponies leapt out at him, but Pinkie Pie's was most prominent. From the looks of it, Twilight's friends had gathered in the building for some kind of impromptu meeting.

"Shhh!"

"Pinkie, just what is-"

_"Shhh!"_

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Ryan groaned, facepalming. "If I don't get an explanation in the next ten seconds, somebody's gettin' kicked in the balls."

"It's-_it's_…!" Pinkie gasped loudly.

"Who?" Twilight asked.

"Is it…. _zombies!?_" Spike gasped.

Ryan peered out of the boarded up window at the hooded figure. "I think it's just-"

"-And she'll gobble you up, in a big tasty stew!"

"_Shut up, Pinkie!_ I think it's just some pony," Ryan said flippantly. Pinkie's eyes narrowed dangerously at him for interrupting.

"…. Watch out." She whispered darkly. She caught Rainbow Dash staring at her oddly, and as quickly as she could blink, Pinkie was back to her old cheerful self again.

"Oh, come on. Haven't any of you ever seen a zebra before?" Twilight asked, deadpanning. "I think I heard somepony say she lives in the Everfree Forest. She's probably harmless!"

"Don' listen to 'em, Applebloom, it don't matter jus' how scared you are!" Applejack said, quivering. She was practically hiding behind her younger sister Applebloom as it was, who, from the bored and frustrated expression on her face, had been dragged in against her will. "What pony in their right mind would go livin' in the Everfree Forest?"

"Ah ain't scared o' nopony!" Applebloom insisted, putting her hoof down. "Ahm the bravest filly ah know!"

"What about Scootaloo?" Ryan heard another obnoxiously high-pitched voice squeak, and Sweetie Belle poked her head around from her sister Rarity, who was busy shooting looks out the window cracks nervously.

"Even braver!" Applebloom announced proudly, and Applejack shushed her.

"Keep it down, now, young 'un. The grownups are talkin'."

"Will you jus' _quit _treatin' me like ahm a little filly?" Applebloom demanded, only to be cut off by her sister once again.

"You know, I think that zebra's goin' away." Ryan said, although nopony listened to him.

"SHE'S AN EVIL ENCHANTRESS, AND SHE DOES EVIL DANCES-!"

"Ah jus' don't think ponies like that oughta be 'llowed to go 'round scarin' innocent folk!"

"AND SHE'LL GOBBLE YOU UP, IN A BIG TASTY STEW!"

"Applejack, just because nopony really knows her doesn't necessarily mean she's bad – have you even tried talking to her yet?!"

"BOMB THE RUSSIANS – LIKE A BOSS!"

"Pinkie, I swear I will do _unspeakable _things to you with a _crowbar _if you don't _shut up!"_

Every mouth in the room fell open, and it grew so silent that you could hear a pin drop.

Mainly because it had been Fluttershy who had said it.

Everyone's heads turned slowly, staring in shock at the yellow Pegasus.

"… Um… if-if… um… that's… okay with you, I mean…" she nearly whispered, steadily shrinking behind Ryan.

Ryan gave a very slow, loud clap.

"… Not bad, kid. Couldn't have said it better myself!" he grinned, and Fluttershy's face turned a light tinge of pink.

"… I think somepony's been spending too much time around a certain macho-_jerk_," Rainbow Dash said with a poisonous glare.

"Hey, don't look at me," Ryan said defensively. "the bitch was psycho _way _before I got here."

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

With as much time as he'd spent around the ponies, one would assume that Ryan would eventually realize that a Pegasus moves very, very quickly. And if there was one pony in particular that was the very embodiment of speed, it was Rainbow Dash.

She struck like a viper, launching herself off the ground before he could so much as blink.

The last thing Ryan thought as the cyan hoof connected with his face was something along the lines of_ Huh, I can't even feel pain anymore._

Moments after barreling through several panels of wood, glass and plaster later, a much more up-to-date thought followed.

_Oh, wait. There it is._

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"No way, leggo!"

"Dash, that's _enough!_" Twilight yelled, pinning her to the ground by tackling her hind legs. Dash flapped wildly, trying to regain enough momentum, but Rarity (quickly followed by Spike) and Applejack held her down.

"I'm _so sick_ of this guy! Just lemme at him; just _one _more punch, I swear!"

Ryan gradually picked himself up off the ground, pushing off the rubble. The dust took a while to clear, and it tickled his nose.

That punch to the face, however, did not tickle.

Neither did being shoved through a window.

He seemed to be thoroughly unharmed, aside from a couple of scrapes on his arms and the large bruise welling up on his cheek. He was winded, though he tried hard not to show it.

"Heh," he chuckled weakly, wiping the blood off his chin. "Is… _huff_… is that all you got?"

It was no wonder to Ryan as to why Rainbow Dash had been chosen as the Element of Loyalty; she was even more fiercely protective than Fluttershy.

"I'll kick him, I'll punch him, I'll_ break him in half!_" she roared in anger, straining desperately against her friends.

"Go, Dashie!" Pinkie cheered her on. "Hit him in the nads! With a _crowbar_, ideally!"

"That's not helping anypony, Pinkie!" Twilight said through clenched teeth. Dash was a lot stronger than she looked.

"Sure it is! It'll make me feel better!" she said cheerfully. Oddly, she'd found the time to style her mane within the span of a few seconds; gone was the usual bouncy, bubblegum colored twirl of hair that sprang around her head, only to be replaced with a flat, almost metallic colored hair that fell down around her face.

"Please, stop…" Fluttershy squeaked quietly, but nopony heard her. She shrank in despair – it was her fault this was happening, at least partially.

"Ya _know_, Skittles," Ryan said mockingly as he kneeled down in front of her, just out of her swinging reach. He looked much braver about approaching Rainbow Dash since the majority of her friends were holding her back. "you really should find some way ta' channel all that _hate _you got for me. It's unhealthy, don'tcha know." That twisted smile of his certainly wasn't helping matters, and Dash only swiped at him harder.

"Um, please, everypony… just… please stop…!"

He stayed infuriatingly out of her reach, leaning in just close enough so that she could hear very clearly when he decidedly made matters worse.

Much, much worse.

"You shouldn't beat yourself up just because girls can't _handle _shit."

It was an antagonistic statement; one that was specifically designed to strike a nerve.

It did its job well.

_"SHUT UP!"_

The shout echoed throughout Ponyville, and the sheer force of the yell nearly knocked Ryan off his feet. Surprisingly enough, the forceful shout had come from none other than Fluttershy. It took him a second to catch his breath.

"Kid, this is none of-"

_"I SAID, SHUT UP!"_

The ferocity with which she said it was so unexpected, that Ryan really did snap his jaw shut. The little yellow Pegasus marched past her friends, and right up to Ryan. She motioned for him to lean down, and he obeyed without thinking.

For a moment, he thought she was going to hit him, too. In hindsight, perhaps he would have preferred it. Instead, she grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought them face to face.

"… I am _ashamed _that I trusted you."

For a moment, Ryan… really didn't know how to respond. He blinked, and all traces of emotion left his face. He hadn't expected her to look so… disappointed. He'd only been trying to aggravate Rainbow Dash, regardless of whatever it caused.

Ryan did not often have a problem with guilt. If something made him feel guilty, he either fixed the problem in whatever way he could, or pushed it to the back of his mind to deal with / ignore later. He kept waiting for her to release him, hoping that the strangely growing sense of remorse would go away.

She didn't let go, however. She just kept… staring.

Ryan suddenly found that his shoes had suddenly become of great interest to him.

Dash's breathing slowed as she attempted to restrain herself, and her friends cautiously released her.

After a couple awkward moments of Ryan staring at his large and tattered sneakers, the rest of them began shuffling uncomfortably. Except for Pinkie, who had somehow managed to find the time to restyle her mane once again into the poofy pink puff that the pony practiced presenting.

"… You know, those fillies have been gone for, like, five minutes now." Ryan remarked slowly, refusing to raise his eyes from his feet. They certainly weren't inside the empty building; he'd seen them slip out earlier.

"What fillies are we talkin' 'bou – APPLEBLOOM!" Applejack shouted in shock, whirling on the spot in search of her younger sister. However, the small pony was nowhere to be seen.

"Sweetie Belle is gone as well!" Rarity exclaimed, eyes widening.

"How did nopony notice?" Applejack growled, glaring around.

"I dunno," Ryan said dismissively. "they probably ran off after Skittles punched me in the face."

"My _name _is Rainbow Dash!"

"And you hit like a _girl_." He stated, drawing the last word out contemptuously.

Her right eye began twitching furiously, but she stood her ground. "Anypony else notice that Zecora character leave?" Rainbow Dash was correct; Zecora had been missing for about the same length of time that the children had.

"Ah'll bet they foller'd her inta' –" she gasped. "the _Everfree Forest!"_

"You know, that doesn't sound very 'gasp' inspirin'." Ryan said conversationally as he brushed himself off. He was glad to have found his voice again. "If you want somebody to actually look surprised and shit when you name something, give it a name like 'Deathtrees', or 'The Doom Woods,' or shit like that."

"Ryan, do you have any idea what's in those woods?" Twilight Sparkle asked him nervously. Her eyes darted toward the direction of the trees in the distance, and she looked very uncomfortable when she did so.

"Those kids, evidently."

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"Applebloom! Where are ya', darlin'?"

"Sweetie Belle, are you in there, dear?"

_"Here, kiddie kiddie kiddie kiddie!"_

"That's _not _funny, Ryan!"

They'd been searching for hours now, and even though they had Rainbow Dash scouring the forest overhead and Fluttershy stopped to ask every single animal she spotted if they'd seen any fillies, the children were nowhere to be found.

"Look, they're probably dead already," Ryan said offhandedly. "I say the best we can do is go home, get some food, then have a small burial for the little shits with a shoebox."

"Ooh, we could have a super-sad 'sorry we couldn't find you' funeral party wi-"

"That's not helping, Pinkie!" Twilight shouted, and Ryan could tell that she was more than a little worried. She looked like a nervous wreck. Her eyes were darting about frantically, and her hair was out of place in many spots.

"Chill, Purple." Ryan pronounced slowly, hoping for once not to aggravate matters. "You know we're kiddin'."

"We are?"

"Yes, Pink." He waved her off, trying to keep his distance from the pink puff of obnoxious noise. "We'll find the kids; we just gotta keep lookin', is all."

"How do we even know we're going in the right _direction?_" Twilight asked, trying to keep her mane out of her face with her hoof as she leaned against a gnarled tree.

"Yeah," Spike agreed, still sitting atop Twilight. "All this searching is hard enough. Don't tell me we have to search the whole Everfree Forest!"

"Yes, you must be positively _exhausted_," Twilight snapped sarcastically.

Just then, the search party heard a rather loud, very Sweetie Belle-esque scream.

"… Hey, Purple. I'd hazard a wild-ass guess that they went in _that _direction." He drawled with a raised eyebrow, pointing slightly to their right.

"I'm on the way, Sweetie Belle!" her sister Rarity cried out, dashing into the forest without a moment's notice. The woods were growing thicker, and closer together the further in that they traveled. Twilight seemed to grow more anxious as they ran. He couldn't see what the big deal was; Ryan sort of liked trees. He never got to spend much time around them in the city.

Applejack and Fluttershy quickly followed Rarity, and Ryan guessed that the flash of rainbow light overhead was none other than Dash. Even Twilight and Spike took off after them, leaving Ryan behind to slowly walk at the back of the group.

"… I don't get paid enough for this shit," he said with a sigh, dragging himself forward.

It came out of nowhere; a small, quick little shiver of the shadows. Right in the corner of Ryan's eye, he saw it. The tall, dark and imposing figure. Impossibly tall, even taller than him. And so _thin_…!

When Ryan's head whipped around trying to catch it, there was nothing there.

_A trick of the light?_

_Just my imagination?_

He doubted it was either. Ryan suddenly became decidedly nervous. He began fingering the Zippo lighter in his pocket gently, although it wouldn't be much help if he were dragged into an outright brawl. He knew something was there, too; he hadn't just seen it.

He'd felt it.

Then again, it wouldn't be the first time he'd seen something vanish with little to no explanation, his mind going back to the 8-Bits, Dan, and the incident with that skittish blue Pegasus.

No, if there was one thing Ryan was assured of as he sped toward the ponies, it was that the tall and slender man would be back.

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"Sweetie Belle, there you are!" Rarity shrieked with a cry of relief, wrapping herself around her younger sister.

"Rarity, it's – great to – you're sort of – _can't breath!"_ she gasped, straining to pry herself out of her elder's grasp.

"There ya' are, y- wait, where's Applebloom?" the orange earth pony looked even more worried than she did before, hair falling out in odd places beneath the brim of her Stetson hat.

Ryan could clearly see the reason Sweetie Belle had screamed; her hair (mane?) had become tangled in the branches of a low tree, keeping her tightly ensnared. Rarity was working furiously at it, trying to free her without too much pulling.

"She was still following Zecora, I think…" Sweetie Belle said while trying not to look guilty about running off. "If you hadn't come along when you did, I-"

"Would probably be fuckin' bald tryin' to fight a tree over ownership of your head." Ryan said bluntly, crossing his arms. He'd hoped that they could find both of them at once.

"Language around the children, dear!"

He couldn't quite put his finger on why, but he'd become much more eager to hurry up. He guessed it had something to do with that figure that had appeared in the corner of his eye.

_Quit jumpin' at shadows, asshole!_ He chided himself angrily._ It's probably the same as Dan. Just have some drinks with it, and it'll go away._

He immediately considered just how very stupid that sounded, which was quickly followed by wonderful thoughts of magnificent, marvelous beer.

Hell, if he really had to chase down a faceless tall dude for some beer, he'd probably do it. Maybe he had steak, too… nothing went better with beer than steak. And after all, he hadn't had any real meat in such a _long _time…

Oh, how meat made him smile. He felt a joyous grin developing on his face, the thoughts of his teeth sinking into fresh, hot, tender, juicy meat. Nearly raw, cooked to perfection. The anticipation brought about by the smell wafting through the air was almost unbearable enough, but the divine first _bite_-

"Unless you'd rather do it. Er, Ryan? Hello?" Twilight asked, standing on her hind legs to wave her hoof in front of his face.

"Whuzzat?" he jerked, just now noticing that he'd been staring absentmindedly directly at Sweetie Belle the entire time. She looked a little put off, and it was understandable why.

You'd be a little freaked out, too, if a hairless being many times your size were towering over you with a manic grin on its face, goblets of drool dripping out between large, sharp teeth.

He wiped his chin on his arm, feeling stupid. "Sorry," he groaned. "just… hungry, is all."

"Didn't you have a dandelion sandwich before we left?" Twilight asked.

"No. No, I did not. I can't fuckin' live on dandelions," Ryan proclaimed, clenching his teeth and fists. "_Besides_, Spike ate it."

Spike merely shrugged. It was true; Ryan didn't look like he was going to eat it, so Spike 'helped'.

"Can we go home now?" Sweetie Belle asked, peering around at the group as she hid behind her sister. Ryan scared her, just a little. He was too loud, too hungry looking.

"Fuck, I dunno." Ryan said, leaning against a tree.

Twilight sighed in agitation, saying "If you'd been paying attention, you'd know that Spike was going to walk Sweetie Belle home while the rest of us search for Applebloom."

"Wait, I am?" Spike asked. He glared at Sweetie Belle, not looking forward to the long walk. She talked too much, and he'd much rather stay by Rarity's side.

"Doesn't anypony listen to me?" Twilight groaned loudly.

"Sorry, did you say somethin', princess?" Ryan queried innocently, cupping his hand around his ear.

Twilight's nostrils flared, and she narrowed her eyes at him. "Spike, get Sweetie Belle home."

"Hey, everypony!" Rainbow Dash cried out as she shot down from above through the trees. She landed deftly, flapping her wings a couple of times before tucking them tightly against her sides. "I think I saw Zecora up ahead, but the trees are too thick to see through."

"Good," Twilight said with a small amount of relief as Spike led Sweetie Belle in the direction that they'd entered the forest from. "just point the way, Dash."

As they followed Rainbow's instructions, Ryan couldn't help but notice that the air had developed a sort of… pungent aroma. It smelled a little familiar, somehow…

"And she'll gobble you up, in a big tasty stew!"

"Christ, Pink, are you still singin'?" he sighed, rubbing his temples. The sun was going down, and fast, and the fact that he couldn't quite name that familiar scent only bothered him more. Thankfully, however, Ryan spotted the zebra about the same time Twilight did.

"Hold it right there, Zecora!" Twilight demanded.

"Easy there, partner!" Applejack yelped. "She's likely ta' throw some mumbo jumbo curse on ya'!"

The zebra slowly turned her head, letting the hood drop. The grey and white Mohawk stood out clearly against the quickly darkening sky, and Ryan could see the glint of thick golden hoop rings hanging from her ears. She was likely the first pony he'd even seen with piercings at all. The golden hoops around her neck and front leg looked like something he'd seen in a National Geographic magazine, and the strange grey burst of cutie mark on her side looked almost tribal.

Her eyes widened with shock as she turned, and when she spoke, it was in a poetic and melodic, hypnotically rhythmic tone.

_"Beware!_" she yelled out across a small field of blue flowers. "Beware, little ponies and monster, too, should you dare to cross the flowers blue!"

"Is that a threat?" Rainbow Dash challenged, trotting forward. The rest of her friends quickly followed suit, steadily closing in on Zecora through the flowers. Ryan stood his ground, though. He'd been a little put off at being called a monster.

_Not the first time,_ he thought wryly, but pushed it away.

Zecora was slowly backing away from the group, her eyes wide as she began to reach behind her for something Ryan couldn't see. "You cannot say I did not plead; for warned you ponies against the weed!"

_That _got Ryan's attention. He stared at the blue flowers in newfound awe as he nearly screamed in delight.

"You guys got _weed?!"_

The group (including Zecora) gazed in shock at Ryan, who had thrown himself into the field of blue, yanking up as much of the plant as he could. "Oh, I am gonna smoke the _shit _out of this!" he cried gleefully, and he was nearly in tears from joy. It had been bad enough showing up in Equestra without cigarettes; and this time, he even had a lighter!

"Warned you I have, you should not smoke; beware, beware! On you is the Joke!" Zecora rhymed, hurling a small white sphere at the ground in front of her. She vanished in a puff of white smoke, and Twilight coughed as she tried to wave it away.

Pinkie gasped, and said "Ohmigosh, did you see that! She _totally _stole that trick from Deadpool!"

"Are you tellin' me she still got away?" Dash yelled angrily, stomping the blue flowers flat.

"Now how are we supposed ter find mah sister?" Applejack breathed, glaring at the spot Zecora had vanished from.

"… Has anypony else noticed that it's gotten very dark out?" Fluttershy asked quietly. The only light they had was coming from Ryan's lighter, which he was currently using to…

Smoke the weed.

Ryan had rolled up as much of the plants he could into a makeshift cigar, wrapping it in the leaves to keep it together. He lit the end, and inhaled with the mightiest breath he could manage.

Which was promptly followed by much coughing, wheezing and hacking as he dropped the makeshift blunt to the ground and stomped the fire out of it. Tears were gathering in his eyes from the overpowering stench, and he couldn't seem to breath properly. Apparently, Fluttershy must have fainted from the smoke, because she dropped heavily to the ground.

It was clear that Fluttershy wasn't the only one affected, because every single one of the ponies quickly followed suit.

After nearly a minute straight of stomping and trying to catch his breath, Ryan stuck the lighter back in his pocket.

"… Turns out, it ain't that kind of weed." He wheezed disappointedly.

And then he passed out.

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_"We had a deal, Carlos!"_

_"And you should have upheld your end of the bargain."_

_"I did! I swear to God, I did! We had a deal! We had a deal, Carlos! You swore! You swore to me, no kids!"_

_"And you should have anticipated betrayal."_

_There was a deafening silence, followed by the gunshot._

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"Whuzzat?" Ryan jerked, blearily yanking open his bloodshot eyes. He'd fallen at some point, but he couldn't remember. Around him, he could see the rest of the ponies slowly dragging themselves out of their stupor in the dim morning light.

He slowly pushed himself up off the ground, and he groaned. _Must'a fallen asleep on somethin',_ he thought to himself as he checked his arms. For some reason, his top half felt heavier than usual.

"Ugh…" Rainbow Dash slurred as she pushed herself off the ground with her two front hooves. "Did I get wasted again?" she stretched herself out like a cat, flapping her wings tentatively. At least, before her eyes widened in shock, discovering that she could no longer fly properly.

Backward wings tend to do that.

"Rainbow, your wings!" Twilight gasped as she tried rubbing the sleep from her eyes, hoping she was still dreaming. "What happened?"

"I-pfft- I don't know, darling, but- pffft!- I can't seem to- hmmf!- oh, for _goodness' sake!_" Rarity cried out in despair, failing to keep the massive amounts of violet and blue spotted hair out of her eyes and mouth.

"Hey, watch where yer spittin' all that hair!" a tiny voice proclaimed from the ground, and Twilight saw that she had almost stepped on a very tiny Applejack.

"What the-?"

"Ohmothmkotpsth ftoth figh tith!" Pinkie Pie spluttered in confusion to a silent Fluttershy as she awoke, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. It, too, had been spotted with multiple dashes of blue.

Twilight tried to summon magic with her horn in order to restore Applejack to her proper size, only for it to give a slight _pooft!_ and flop around uselessly.

Ryan watched Twilight's failure with satisfaction, guffawing hysterically when she couldn't do anything.

"Mare, you need Viagra!" he laughed, before his hand flew up to his throat.

It wasn't his voice… not even remotely close.

_… I said mare. I said _mare. He thought to himself in confusion._ I meant to say bi-… Bi-…. What the buck?!_

His normally deep, boisterous voice had been replaced with a lilting, feminine tone. "Holy _buck_, I sound like my aunt!" he cried out, feeling his face as if he could somehow determine that it had been-

_The weed._

It would appear that inhaling large quantities of the blue weed had resulted in a dual-effect upon Ryan. Not only changing his vocal features, but even what he was best at; swearing like a drunken sailor.

"Okay, that's it!" Ryan yelled. "I am _never _smokin' again!" he vowed, but kept the lighter safely in his pocket in case he decided to rescind that promise later. He brushed his long black hair out of his eyes, running over his head.

_… When the buck did I get bangs?_

His fingers slowly danced over his scalp, down his now silky smooth chin and running his hands over his previously muscled arms.

It was then that he noticed the breasts.

The high pitched, bloodcurdling scream that echoed through the Everfree Forest woke quite a few more than a couple of its denizens.

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	18. Ch18: I'm Just A Sweet Transvestite

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"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Will you calm down?"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I don't WANT to be a man / lady!"

Ryan refused to believe it. It was horrible, it was a travesty.

"Ryan Junior! How could you forsake me?!" he/she screamed in anguish as he/she wept, head nearly between his/her legs.

Fuck it, I'm calling him 'her' now.

"Calm down? _Calm down?!"_ she gasped, hyperventilating. "My precious is gone! My _one _meaning in life! How am I supposed to _live _without my d- without my di- without my diiiii-…. With a vagina?"

Ryan paused, putting a thoughtful finger on her chin. "Oh, but I can say 'vagina'? What the buck? What kind of sexist horse feathers is that?"

"Not so easy, is it?" Rainbow Dash tittered, flapping her backwards wings experimentally. She could get a couple of feet off the ground, but nothing more than a few seconds. Ryan glared at the tomboyish Pegasus furiously, crossing her arms across her now quite bountiful chest.

"What, you think 'easy' when you see me?" Ryan spat.

"Easier than taking candy from a filly!" she shot back, stamping angrily.

Ryan's eyes narrowed, as if looking for a weak spot. "You're just angry because I'm prettier than you. _Tits_, I was prettier than you _before_." She blinked, and happily said "Oh, sweet! I guess 'tits' is okay. Tits tits tits tits tits – oh, uh… don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Ryan added as an afterthought.

"I hate you because you're a big, dumb jerk!" Rainbow glared at her, flaring her wings dangerously.

"No, I used to be a big, dumb jerk. Now I'm even _more _useless," Ryan grinned, motioning toward her new shapely figure. She stopped again, hands flying to her bosom as she put on a look of mock surprise. "Why, my goodness! I think I finally figured it out! You really hate me because I'm a _guy!_" her face dropped into a sarcastic smirk, and Dash eventually understood what she was implying.

"Just what are you sayin', pal?!"

"I'm sayin' you traded off your bone throne for the coochie smoochie." Ryan responded bluntly.

"Oh, that- is- _it!_" Dash screamed in rage, hurling herself forward with as much force as she could muster. However, precisely as Ryan had predicted, she wound up propelling herself backwards at high velocity into a tree.

Ryan collapsed in laughter, wiping a tear from her eye. "Sweet Jeebus, this is hilarious! Almost worth the sudden gender bender, but still! Ha ha ha!"

Pinkie pie furiously stood in front of her, spraying spittle everywhere as she strained to speak.

"What's that? Sorry, cupcake, can't hear ya!" Ryan giggled, cupping a hand around her ear.

"Thth ptth yfth thith thhhither ththtith!"

"Why, you're absolutely right, Pink! Rainbow _Crash _does look awfully stupid!"

"All of you, knock it off!" Twilight glowered at them, but to no avail.

"Even Flutter-butt agrees with me. Right?" Ryan asked, bending over Fluttershy expectantly.

"… I don't wanna get in the middle of this."

Ryan blanched in surprise; her voice was incredibly deep. As in, _manly _man deep.

"… Okay, now, that's buckin' funny!" she screeched, clutching her sides as she laughed.

"Ththh pthh tiggth pithfle flith!"

"Sorry, Pink, still got nothin'," Ryan said sweetly, flipping her the bird. She was glad she could still do that, at least.

"I think Pinkie said that… Slender Mare is coming…?" Flutterguy said in confusion.

And that's when they heard the screaming.

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Zecora's hut blended in well with the environment, and if they hadn't been looking for it, they probably would have passed right by it.

Ryan took the lead, galumphing with enormous strides in front of the ponies. Applejack clung tightly to a string of Rarity's ludicrous amounts of hair, which she tripped over continuously.

"Hang on, kid!" Ryan roared in as deep a voice as she could muster (which wasn't very impressive) while kicking Zecora's front door nearly off its hinges. "Imma whoop some mother buckin' flank!"

In the center of the hut stood Zecora, leaning contentedly over a large cauldron. The pot boiled and simmered, a brightly colored liquid steaming away.

"Plighthl lith fillithgl flighlstith!"

"And she'll gobble you up, in a big tasty stew…!" Flutterguy translated, eyes widening in shock. Without slowing her pace, Ryan slammed into Zecora, knocking her away from the cauldron, which she was busy stirring with a large wooden ladle. She grunted in surprise, as it wasn't every day that a large (and quite busty) hairless ape broke her door down and knocked her into a wall.

"Where's Applebloom?" Appletini squeaked, miniature eyes darting around frantically. Without hesitation, Ryan grabbed the cauldron by the sides and gave it a mighty heave, which she noticed was much more difficult without so many muscles. It quickly gave way, however, and the boiling contents waved over onto the ground. However, there was still no Applebloom to be seen.

"Why can't we all just get along? What have I _done _to deserve this wrong?" Zecora asked brusquely as she picked herself up off the floor.

"The jig is up, Zecora!" Twilight stamped her hoof, starting forward dangerously. Then again, there wasn't much more she could do to intimidate Zecora; Ryan had already burst in, tackled her, dumped her cauldron, and wrecked nearly half the place in doing so. "Take away your curse and give back Applebloom!"

Much to Twilight's surprise, it was Ryan who spoke up first. "Wait, what curse?" she said, blinking.

"The curse Zecora put on us for trying to save Applebloom!"

"What are you, buckin' stupid?" Ryan asked, cocking an eyebrow. "She straight up told us not to 'be smoking dat weed now mon'. I thought it was all _my _fault for getting smoke all over you guys." Zecora's eyebrow raised a little at the mockery of her accent, though she said nothing.

"What the gorilla claims is true – I warned you not to trust the flowers blue. Concocting a cure I was, but fun at me you poke! And I plainly said 'beware Poison Joke'!"

"Thighllgle plthighle thith?" Pinkie Pie spluttered, spraying spittle everywhere.

"Indeed," Twilight agreed. "If you really were so intent on helping us to the point of going out of your way to make a cure," and Ryan looked at the rapidly cooling liquid on the ground guiltily, and the wreckage she'd left behind. "then what did you do with Applebloom?"

"Who's lookin' fer me, now?" Applebloom asked, sticking her head in through the shattered remains of the front door.

"Applebloom!" Appletini cried out, flinging herself at her little – er, _bigger _– sister.

"What in tarnati- _Applejack?"_ the filly said in confusion. She promptly fell into a state of unstopping giggles, desperately trying to keep a straight face as she handed Zecora a couple of vines. "Here's – knnt! – here's some a' those things you were lookin' fer… hang on, what happened to the Poison Joke antidote?" she said, just now noticing the small scale destruction.

Ryan had suddenly become much more interested in her shoes.

She perked her head up, thinking. "Wait… if Applebloom's fine, then why was she screaming?" Zecora deadpanned, saying "Within her lungs she has much air stored, for when the little one should get bored."

"Ah took screamin' lessons from Sweetie Belle!" she bragged. "Ooh! Did ah get a cutie mark fer it?" Applebloom spun on the spot, trying to check her flank.

To absolutely no one's surprise, Applebloom did not have a cutie mark.

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"What the _buck _do you mean, a week?!"

Ryan was nearly in tears by this point; she'd expected Twilight to come up with some kind of magical cure, or something. She didn't like the magic in this world in the slightest, but she would admit, it could be very handy.

"Zecora said that'll you'll be lucky to ever return to normal, and you should be thankful she worked so hard on the antidote." Twilight said plainly. It felt good to finally be back in Ponyville, and Twilight had already begun assisting in the preparations for the arrival of royalty. "A week is hardly too long to ask for it to take effect, really. You probably shouldn't have tried _smoking _it."

"Have you ever tried being the other bucking gender?!" Ryan screamed in anguish, overturning the table they sat at. Twilight barely managed to save her dandelion sandwich, and the hay fries flew through the air. The waiter simply stood by, watching everything with a professionally bored expression.

"Calm down," Twilight said with a small smile, taking a bite out of her sandwich. "I think this is the perfect chance for you to learn something that you might never have otherwise."

"You're… you're right," Ryan breathed heavily, trying to calm herself as she returned the table to its proper position. "It's probably just… y'know, my period, or something."

"… I'm sorry, _what?_" Twilight said, a little stunned.

"Y'know, the thing women get, makes 'em all cranky and sh- cranky and shhh…_ cranky an' shhhhiiiiifffffff buck me with a shovel!"_ Ryan groaned, desperately missing her previous vocabulary. "I just need to find tampons. That'll fix it, right?"

It would appear that the waiter was trying very hard to decide whether or not it was safe to laugh.

Twilight merely stared at Ryan, as if in disbelief.

"You… really don't know much about females, do you?"

"Does it bucking look like it?" Ryan deadpanned, motioning toward her body. "They talk too much, they worry about their hair and shoes, and they got extra holes. Just help me fix this, would ya' please?"

"… Yes." Twilight said slowly, her eyes narrowing almost unperceptively. "… 'help' you."

Ryan suddenly felt very, very uneasy.

"This, uh… this isn't going to lead to any kind of 'clichéd mandatory makeover', is it?" she asked nervously, beady black eyes darting back and forth.

"You don't seem to have much respect for the opposite gender, but I'm willing to forgive your obliviousness to the female plight. Let's fix that, shall we?"

"What the buck do _you _know on the first thing about bein'a gir-… oh." Ryan clapped a hand to her head, feeling stupid. "So, uh… you gonna make me read a book, or somethin'?"

Twilight gave him the largest smile he'd ever seen.

"Yes. Or something."

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"… Well? What are you waiting for?" Twilight urged her on. Ryan wasn't too keen on picking up the little fuzz ball – it looked more like a floating colored dust bunny with a mouth and eyes. "Go on," she said. "I think you'll find that taking care of something else besides yourself will be a wonderful exercise."

Ryan glared at it hatefully, or at least tried to. Judging from the mirror across from her, she only looked a bit pouty. They had gathered in Fluttershy's cottage, who had rescued some other useless creature that Ryan didn't care about.

Dropping the fluff ball and turning back to the mirror, Ryan pondered aloud, "… Wow, I look _hot_." She tilted her head, running a finger lightly down her neck. "Holy tits! No scars, no tattoos, no…" she stopped, looking sadly between her legs. "… No junk."

"I don't want the buckin' thing," Ryan said, pushing the little sentient ball away. It merely gazed up at her, and for a moment she thought it was staring at him/her hungrily.

"Oh, don't be so mean to the poor thing!" Fluttershy insisted, handing it to her. "And I think you're wrong about the tattoos; I can still see part of that one on your back." she pointed at Ryan's ink, and the corner of the shark's maw sticking out a bit. Ryan quickly covered it with her shirt, wishing that she hadn't shrunk slightly. The clothes were hard enough to wear before.

_When did I get so self-conscious?_

"Fine, fine," Ryan agreed, planning on chucking the little bastard as hard as she could the first chance she got. "I'll take care of it; 'sides, you gave one to Skittles first. If she can take care of one, I can do it _better_."

Fluttershy and Twilight shared an uncomfortable glance. Rainbow Dash had flat out refused to speak to Ryan after the 'Poison Joke Incident', and it wasn't hard to see why; she'd been giving her grief almost nonstop. Ryan's endless barrage of lightly censored derogatory homosexual jokes had been a strain on everyone's nerves, but they were mostly aimed at Dash.

"… Hey, I know," Ryan said suddenly. "Me an' the little guy here," she pointed to the little yellow puff. "We're gonna go 'round Ponyville. Y'know, show him around!"

"I don't know…" Fluttershy began, worried about the way Ryan was grinning at the little creature.

"That's a great plan!" Twilight agreed, nodding with a hearty smile. "I'm glad you're finally showing some initiative."

"Uh, yeah…" Ryan said slowly, scratching the back of her greasy head nervously. "… Initiative." After a couple of awkward moments of silence, Ryan snatched the little yellow puff up and marched out the door. "Whelp, gotta get goin'!" she said, waving over her shoulder with the same arm she used to carry the Parasprite. The puff's eyes nearly bugged out of its head, as Ryan didn't seem to notice (or care) that she was squeezing it too hard.

The door slammed shut, and a picture frame with a picture of Fluttershy and her friends tilted slightly to the side.

"… Why do I suddenly get the feeling that I just unleashed something terrible upon the citizens of Ponyville?" Twilight inquired, thinking.

"Oh, I'm sure it's just the jitters. I get those after being around him – er, her, as well."

"Why does Ryan make you nervous?" she asked the Pegasus curiously. Fluttershy's cheeks turned a light shade of pink, and she quickly said "Oh, my, that reminds me, do you know where I can find a book on the best possible dinner for baby bunnies?"

"I don't know what that has to do w-"

"The _best _possible dinner for baby bunnies!" Fluttershy restated, hoping that her friend would change the subject.

"Well, I do have a book that might help. The _Basic Botanical Boundaries of B-"_

"Good, good!" Fluttershy said quickly, ushering her friend out of the house. The tiny Parasprite belonging to Twilight poked its little face out of her mane, ogling. "You should go find it, right away!" And with that, Fluttershy slammed the door closed, leaving a very confused unicorn on her doorstep.

Twilight sighed, and headed for Ponyville. She didn't see Ryan around, which wasn't a good sign. Surely she couldn't move that quickly.

"I have strange friends," Twilight grumbled to nopony in particular as she trotted.

Indeed. She did have strange friends.

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"Come on, you little sh- you little shhhh-! _Buck!_ Just give it _back_, already!" Ryan yelled at the little puff, waiting for it to expel her lunch. Se hadn't eaten all day, and she couldn't survive on grass and crap like these ponies did. She'd dropped the apple on the table at the library, hoping to grab some kind of burlap bag and some rocks to get rid of the little monster properly.

However, when Ryan returned (infuriatingly empty handed, I might add) she discovered the Parasprite, as Pinkie had dubbed it, sitting happily atop the table. It just smiled and chirped at him, staring with wide baby blue eyes.

And Ryan was _furious_.

"Raaaagh! Do you know how hard it is to _kill _something on an empty stomach?" she said gruffly to the Parasprite, poking it hard. However, instead of falling off the table like she'd hoped, the Parasprite merely belched.

Vomiting up a nearly identical, palette swapped Parasprite directly onto Ryan's face.

"AW, BUCK! That is _gross!"_ she shrieked, flinging the vomit-baby off her face. It hit the wall with a _splat!_ before floating up happily next to its cousin.

Ryan thought for a moment, staring at them.

"… Oh, god. They're _gremlins_."

Twilight had indeed released something terrible upon the citizens of Ponyville.

And, for once, it wasn't Ryan.

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"And I'll need three pieces of string, some banjos, a couple of kazoos, and a gypsy tambourine!" Pinkie demanded, awaiting her friend's response.

"Pinkie, _forget _that!" Twilight insisted, watching in horror as the Parasprites swarmed through Ponyville. "We need to get them out of here, now!" The Parasprites were ravishing everything edible they could find, stealing and munching a swath of destruction a mile wide. Or, rather, a Ponyville wide.

"Ugh, do I have to do _everything _myself?" Pinkie moaned loudly, stomping off.

"What's with her?" Rainbow Dash asked, hovering hesitantly next to the violet unicorn.

"I guess she's just being… Pinkie." Twilight guessed, shrugging. "Any more rope left, Applejack?" she asked the orange cowpony, who was currently swiping at a couple of the Parasprites that came too close for comfort.

"Sorry, sugarcube," Applejack said. "used the last of it ter roll them varmints through the Everfree."

Twilight sighed, shaking her head anxiously. If she'd known the princess was going to be making a visit early… she glared at the new banner, hanging above a little dingy pub. The sign hadn't even been written properly, painted with 'Welcome Princess Clesestia!' on it in bright red paint.

Everything was going straight to Tartarus, and she knew it. She grew more panicked as the Parasprites swarmed, desperately trying to think of an idea.

"Ooh, I've got it!" she exclaimed, lowering her head as her horn began to glow with a bright purple light.

"Dear, how are you going to manage getting rid of all the Parasprites?" Rarity asked curiously, backing up a little behind Fluttershy.

"I'm not," she said, a little proud at her stroke of genius. "they're just hungry, right?" Fluttershy nodded, a bit ashamed at having kept one of the little beasts. She just couldn't seem to get anything right lately… Just too distracted, she thought to herself.

"Right."

"Right! So, if they're not hungry…" Twilight said lowly, and a large blast of violet energy waved throughout the entire town, and the group watched in amazement as every single Parasprite stopped in mid-air.

_"Brilliant!"_ a light brown pony nearby said, an hourglass as his cutie mark. Twilight glanced at him, but he ducked his head and continued walking as if he hadn't seen anything.

"Right, then," Twilight announced, "first things first. That banner-" she didn't get the chance to finish, as a swarm of hungry Parasprites soon took care of her problem. The entire stretch of cloth was devoured within moments, and she stared around in fear.

"Not brilliant,_ not brilliant!"_ the brown hourglassed earth pony muttered, ducking into an alley.

_On the bright side_, Twilight thought to herself grimly as one eye began twitching violently._ I think Princess Celestia's name being misspelled is the least of my worries._

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"Back! _Back _you little mother buckers!" Ryan screamed, swinging heavily with the chair at the Parasprites. It was bad enough when they stole food right out of her hands every time she found something to eat. She swung hard at a large floating colony of them, only to pull the remains of the chair out of the buzzing swarm. Ryan promptly dropped the back of the chair, mainly because it was the only thing left of it.

One of the Parasprites began gnawing hungrily at the hem of her shirt, and she swatted it away, diving out the door. She was not walking around naked again, even if she had to stomp the little monsters and make a frilly freakin' dress out of it.

"What's going on?" Spike said in surprise, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. This wasn't how he normally woke up from his afternoon nap.

"It's every man for himself!" Ryan shrieked, running through Ponyville, watching the ensuing carnage with a bit of awe. She was more upset that the Parasprites had beaten her to lighting Ponyville on fire than she was at the massive amounts of chaos.

_Speaking of which… hey, whack job_. Ryan thought as loudly as she could, sweat beginning to form as she sprinted through the park.

**_Hush, it wasn't me this time._**

_Hey_, buck_ you! I'll be quiet when I want to!_

**_Look, I'm really busy right now. Gathering that much energy and orchestrating an entire – wait, did you just say 'buck you'?_**

_… No._ Ryan lied, nearly running into a tree. She shook her head, black hair flinging about. It was difficult to keep up a conversation in her head with Discord and focus at the same time, although she couldn't figure out why. It had never been a problem any other time, with anyone else; she supposed it just had something to do with Discord hijacking part of her brain, or something.

_That, or you're just really stupid,_ said a small part of her brain.

_Shut up already!_

**_I didn't say anything._**

_"FUCKING HELL!"_ Ryan yelled in pain as she slammed face-first into a light pole, dropping to the ground.

_… Oh, great. NOW it's starting to work._

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" a light blue hoof came into her field of vision, and Ryan instantly realized it as Lyra Heartstrings. "First Parasprites, and now even more of you are coming? I swear, Bon-Bon was right about that whole 'ancient calendar' thing!"

Ryan groaned, pushing herself up with her forearms as she slowly shook her head. "...Hey, Lyra. Watcha been up to?"

"Oh, I'm trying to find Ryan to make sure he's oka - … how do you know my name?" Lyra suddenly glared at her, backing away steadily.

Ryan dragged herself to her feet, using the light pole for support. She sighed, turned and mooned the pony.

"… _Juanita _– _sweet mother of Celestia, Ryan?!"_

"Long story," Ryan groaned as she tightened her pants around her waist, and Lyra pulled in close to her to keep her standing. She rubbed her head tenderly, feeling the bruise that was likely to form. "I gotta find Twilight, and fast – these little fuckers are eating _everything_."

"I saw her in the town square, I think," Lyra said pensively, and the two started off at a brisk pace.

After a couple of moments of steady jogging, Ryan turned her head to the unicorn. "… So. You, uh… you were worried about me." she stated.

"I worry about all my friends," she said defensively, her cheeks blushing lightly.

"You didn't have to come find me." It was true; besides, Ryan had specifically told her that he liked to handle things on his/her own.

Lyra merely shook her head, thinking. "... Do you still have that zipper?"

"Huh?"

"Er… zippo. Zippo lighter."

"Oh, yeah, that!" Ryan said, digging into her pocket. She fumbled for a minute as she tried to run simultaneously, eventually grabbing the accursed thing. She'd never known before just how difficult it was to run without using some kind of support._ I'll be DAMNED if I'm wearing a bra! _"Yeah, I still got it," she said, showing it to her. "… Why?"

"Because, I've got a plan to get rid of these Parasprites," Lyra said with grim determination.

Ryan grinned wickedly. She'd seen that look before, and she knew it well.

It was the look Ryan often wore when burning something to the ground.

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"Twilight Sparkle, you did a fine job." Princess Celestia said, and her mentor leaned in to give her a warm nuzzle.

"We couldn't have managed without Pinkie Pie," she said proudly to the marching one-pony band, who was currently preoccupied with clanging together cymbals, using a large drum, a tambourine, two banjos, a kazoo and a trombone. Every single Parasprite in Ponyville was gathered behind Pinkie, dancing happily in a tightly clustered swarm of joyously prancing puffs.

"I see," Celestia said with a little laugh. "quite the musically talented one. I'm afraid I must return to my duties, however." She said softly, smiling to her apprentice. "And although I have to leave, I'm certain everything will be completely under wraps for the next time. I have faith in you."

"… Thank you, Princess." Twilight said graciously, dipping into a bow. The rest of her friends followed suit, save for Pinkie Pie, who was still leading a small army of hungry Parasprites.

"Oh, save all the pomp for the gala, my little pony." Celestia said with another laugh. Her brilliantly colored mane waved in the sunlight, shaking a little. "I'm certain your 'experiment' will appreciate it, as well."

Twilight flushed a little, returning the smile warmly. Her ears cocked lightly to the side suddenly, listening. Her eyes widened, and a sense of dread filled her entirely.

"… Is something the matter, my stude- _what in the world?!"_

Due to Pinkie Pie's loud music, Celestia had nearly failed to notice the large, screaming female charging right at her, swiftly followed by Lyra and a _very _unhappy Berry Punch. Had Celestia the time to ponder it, she might even have realized that Berry Punch had recently been robbed of her precious alcohol.

Which Ryan had used to concoct a pair of makeshift flaming Molotov cocktails.

_"SEE YOU IN TARTARUS, MOTHERFUCKERS!_" Ryan roared bestially as she heaved both of the homemade explosives directly at the swarm of Parasprites. Had the entire group not been so completely caught off guard, one of them might have even tried to magically catch the bottles before any harm became the little creatures. Instead, they all watched in shock as the bottles flew straight over their heads, right into the swarm, where every single one of them quickly caught fire.

Ryan cackled maniacally as the insects screamed in fear and pain, dropping out of the sky like so many moths shortly after discovering precisely what fire feels like.

Princess Celestia gaped at her, mouth open wide as she tried to find her voice.

Ryan stared at down at her own large breasts for a moment, before checking between her legs. "Aw, sweet, two for _one_! I get revenge for my lunch, _and _Ryan Junior is finally back!" she cheered, before mellowing out. "… Oh, _crap_. Dude, you forgot your luggage." She groaned to the place between her legs. Ryan promptly stood up straight, motioned for Berry and Lyra to follow, and ran off speedily in the opposite direction.

After several minutes of watching the last of the pitifully squeaknig and dying Parasprites burn out, Fluttershy was the first to speak.

"… What the _fuck _just happened?"

**Author's Note:**

Fire - the solution to most of life's problems.


	19. Ch19: Bender Of The Millenium

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"Whoo-hoo hoo _hoo!_" Ryan screamed ecstatically, throwing her arms out behind her as she ran. "Did you see the looks on their faces?"

"I know, that was _awesome!"_ Lyra agreed, running beside her. Berry Punch ran a little dizzily on Ryan's left, keeping up the pace.

"Saviors of the fuckin' town, that's what we are!" Ryan cheered, pumping her fist. Granted, most of the town looked pretty destroyed by the Parasprites already, but at least they'd gotten rid of them. Better late than never.

"So – _huff!_ – why are we running?" Berry asked her, trying to keep up with Ryan's long strides.

"Because!" she said, lurching happily forward. "That place we passed on the way to the Parasprites?" she pointed out a dingy looking, run down bar with a mostly boarded up window. A small, rickety wooden sign hung outside, looking like it was ready to fall off at the behest of the next gust of wind.

"Yeah?"

"It's still there! The Eight-Bits!" Ryan grinned, urging herself onward even faster.

"Yeah, and?" Berry asked, and even Lyra looked a little confused.

"_And_," Ryan explained, "I don't give a shit _what _time it is, we just saved the town! They'll be _overjoyed _to give us booze! Lots and lots of free booze!"

"How can you be so sure?" Lyra questioned, trying to keep her breathing even as they slowed their frantic pace.

"I'm not; but just in case they don't, you're payin' for the drinks." She glared daggers at him, and Ryan wiped the sweat from her brow, shoving the wooden door open hastily. The cool air inside buffeted them comfortably, and the familiar scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol washed over them. She breathed in contentedly, anticipating the sweet, angelic alcohol.

Ryan's eyes adjusted to the dimly lit room, and widened in shock. The first thing she noticed was that, just as before, the bar was much larger on the inside than it appeared.

Secondly, it was a different size and shape than the last time as well. Cigarette smoke wafted in a light blue hue from the bar, drifting and twining lazily around the circular ceiling. A couple of slowly spinning fans dangled down from above, like bloated wooden arachnids. The only thing that really remained the same about the bar was the glass topped counter, and the lime green bartender with the sandy mane and bland, bored expression.

The smoke drifting up from the bar held her attention more raptly, however. Or, rather, the person smoking. Much to Ryan's pleasant surprise, there was another _human _inhabitant.

Closely followed by Lyra and Berry, she wound her way through the nearly deserted bar and reached out a hand to lightly tap the stranger on the shoulder.

Instead, the silver barrel of a gun wound its way directly into her neck.

"What." The man, which she could see clearly now that she was closer, had light blonde hair, falling down onto a deep black leather duster. His voice was coarse and angry, awaiting an answer without turning around.

Ryan promptly jammed her finger into the barrel of the gun, and said "If you point that at me again, I'm gonna ram a crowbar so far up your ass you'll get shiny new iron fillings."

The man turned on the spot, spinning on his wooden stool in surprise. Wide, energetic sky blue eyes met her beady black ones, and for a split second, Ryan felt that she had just done something very, very stupid.

"… I'm gonna say again. What?" the strange man stood, drawing himself to his full height as he holstered his silver pistol, opposite from a gleaming black one. They were quickly covered by his duster, however, and he spun back to the bartender with a glare. "I thought you said there weren't any people here?"

"There weren't. There are now." he replied in a low, gravelly voice, continuing his wiping of the already spotless counter.

"Sweet," Ryan said happily as she glanced at the mint colored unicorn beside her. "My other reason for getting here so quickly? It's the only place I could find with other humans."

"Oh, hey, Lyre-Unicorn-Thingy. Who's the dumb broad?" he said, jamming a thumb in Ryan's direction. Her eye twitched visibly, and she slowly began reaching into her pocket. "Try it. Go ahead, punk. Make my millennium," he added without even looking, and Ryan ceased her attempt to light the bastard on fire.

"… Do I know you?" Lyra replied curiously, staring at him.

"… 'The _fuck _do you mean?_ I'm_ the one with a memory like Hillbilly's grandmother, not you. It's me, 'Nix. Remember?"

She ogled at him, head twitching back to him from Ryan, then back again. "I… I'm sorry. I've never met you before in my life."

The man began reaching for his pistol again, giving Ryan a hateful scowl. He stopped when he saw the bartender shake his head ever so slightly.

"We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits," he said slowly. "Or do we need _that _discussion again?"

The blonde man's scowl deepened, and Ryan crossed her arms across her bountiful chest. However, when she did so, they slowly deflated.

The man stared at this new development, watching Ryan's bountiful 'joy bags' steadily lose girth, shrinking. Every inhabitant in the bar stared in astonishment as they loudly deflated, letting out a very long twin whistle akin to that of air being let out of a couple of balloons.

"… Well." the man stated, staring. "I gotta say; I have _not _seen a girl do _that _shit before."

"I was a man yesterday," Ryan responded miserably, rubbing her arms uncomfortably. She also noticed that her voice was slowly becoming deeper, more husky.

"Look, keep your crazy shit to yourself, and I'll do the same." The man pulled another cigarette from within his breast pocket, and a tiny whirring ball of flame momentarily floated haphazardly above his fingertip, which he used to light his new cigarette. "… 'Name's Nix, by the way. Phoenix. Now," he leaned back slightly on the stool, "I'm only gonna say this once. Either you put Lyre-Unicorn-Thingy's mind back the way it was, or I'm gonna redecorate this dump in _brain matter grey_. Capiche ?"

"… Miller." Ryan said, his voice finally returning to its normal tone as his body completely readjusted itself to his previous gender.

"… What?"

"Miller. Ryan Miller," he said, extending his slowly growing hand. Old scars gradually reappeared, and several thin tufts of hair appeared on his arms with light _pompfs_. "And I didn't do anything to Lyra."

"Bullshit," the man snorted, staring intently at Lyra for a few seconds. A strange blur of light danced behind his eyes momentarily, before he looked back at Ryan. "… Huh. Guess you weren't lyin'. That ain't Lyra."

"Excuse me?" Lyra demanded, taking a seat on the opposite side of Ryan. "I'm right here. I've been Lyra Hearstrings since the _day I was bucking born."_

Nix snickered knowingly, taking a deep draft of his dwindling cigarette. "Sure as hell sounds the same, though."

"Can someone please explain to me what the _fuck _is goin' on?" Ryan asked, and Berry Punch merely shrugged, motioning silently for the bartender to bring drinks.

"I just figured it was a pocket dimension, or something like that." Nix said, puffing on his cigarette. "I guess it's more like a… waypoint, maybe."

Ryan cocked an eyebrow, looking at the deep brown cider the bartender dropped wordlessly in front of him. "Sometimes it's here, sometimes it ain't. And I can't fuckin' get anybody to _talk _about it." He grumbled, taking a drink of the lightly spiced cider. It was bad enough he didn't have anything stronger; then again, he didn't have to pay for it.

"Perhaps _I _can be of some assistance." Both human's heads snapped around so quickly you could hear them crack.

A twin pair of chestnut colored ponies stood directly behind them, both earth ponies. Each had a light orange mane and bright green eyes, and were two of the few ponies either Ryan or Nix had ever seen wearing any kind of clothing. Both wore identical tan suits with a green tie, identical aside from being the opposite gender of each other.

Nix was much more surprised than Ryan was, glaring at them angrily. "How the fuck did you sneak up on me?"

"I never 'sneak' up to anyone; we've been here the entire time." The female replied.

"We only just got here." The male said, giving a small smile.

"Holy shit, it's Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Tard," Ryan gaped.

"The Eight-Bits is always here," the male continued, blinking. His female companion carried on, "Except for when it isn't. It was never built."

"It is."

"It was."

"It shall be."

"It hasn't been."

"Stop, stop, _stop!"_ Ryan said, holding up both hands. He left his drink behind to give them his full attention. "No! No riddles. I fuckin' _hate _riddles."

"Oh, dear. As you both are and are not. I think you could find-" the male began.

"The situation quite disagreeable," the female continued, not put off by Ryan in the slightest. "Merely two sides-"

"-Of the same coin."

"Don't you find it strange that we-"

"-Finish each other's sentences? I think it would be stranger if we didn't."

Nix summoned a glowing sphere of fire in one hand, calmly judging the two before him. He reached out in search of energy, but detected nothing there. Oh, there was plenty of energy in the 8-Bits; some of it was even coming from the human next to him, which he regarded with dim surprise. "Okay, either you two fuck off, or I get Swordspony to come here and kick your asses for me. Seriously, I bet he's just _itching _to fuck somepony up."

Ryan began slowly edging away from the fire-wielding demon next to him, eyeing the flame warily. He'd had a few too many bad experiences with fire. That wasn't to say there weren't any _good _ones…

"Or maybe I just turn you both into charcoal." He finished threateningly, and his bright blue eyes glowed with an ashen fire. The pair of humans heard a small stamp from a dimly lit corner, drawing their attentions.

"No, don't do it!" a feminine voice cried out from a dark corner.

"Hush, Elizabeth. This is just getting good."

"Oh, fuck all of – where'd they go?" Nix blinked in the spot the odd ponies had been, the fireball puffing out of existence.

"That happens sometimes here. Seen it happen to Dan, too." Ryan murmured thoughtfully, scratching his chin.

"We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits." The lime green bartender said blandly, his face blank.

Berry Punch sighed, turning back to her own drink. "I'm gonna need a _lot _more alcohol before any of this starts making any sense," she groaned unhappily.

"Wiser words were never spoken." Ryan agreed, draining his own (small) mug. "Got any more?" he asked the bartender hopefully. The lime green pony merely regarded him with silence, and placed another mug of cider in front of him.

Ryan's mind buzzed with thought – indeed, it was going to take a _lot _more alcohol.

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"… So, it's like a different Equestria, but it's the same shit." Ryan restated drunkenly, trying to keep his eyes focused.

"I… I-I don't even… I don't even know, man." Nix replied, chugging down another mug of the seemingly endless supply of cider. Ryan had foolishly attempted to drink him under the table.

He quickly dismissed this possibility after Nix's seventy-sixth mug. "I mean, I just kinda… y'know, go with the flow." He said, running a long-fingered hand through his blonde hair. "This is definitely one of the weirder dimensions I've been to."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed with a chuckle, bumping Lyra with his elbow. "It sure ain't no Brooklyn. Hey, Lyra. You should –hic! – you should go there. To, uh… Brooklyn."

"What, you mean with more humans like you jerk-offs?" she asked wryly, already regretting the amount of liquor she'd downed. She knew that she'd regret it in the morning, and Bon-Bon was likely to make sure of it. "I think I've had my fill of rude hairless apes, thanks."

Berry Punch snored softly in the stool next to her, head drooped over onto the glass bar. It fogged slightly with her breath, and multiple empty mugs littered the area around her. Of the trio that had tried to outdrink the fire flinger that was Nix, only Berry had come close. By this point, however, she was likely to have more alcohol than blood in her system.

"Hey, I am a fuckin' _gentleman_, thank you very much," Ryan grinned, showing his sharp teeth.

"I think I liked you better as a _lady_. At least you didn't _smell _as bad." Lyra shot back with a small smile.

"Speakin' of which," Nix interrupted, leaning lightly against the bar to get a better look at the mint colored unicorn across from Ryan. "how did that even happen? You fuck up your life force, or somethin'?"

"Eh?" Ryan grunted quizzically. "Life force? No, man. I tried smokin', uh… what'd Zecora call it. Poison Joke."

Lyra giggled, imagining how that particular happened. "Now, _that _I'd have liked to watch go down." She said, taking another drink.

"Okay, my turn fer – hic! – question. Uh… question…. Question. That shounds weird." Ryan pondered this for a moment, scratching his chin before shaking his greasy head. "Right. How'd you do that fire thing?"

Nix glanced at him, thinking. "What, this?" he summoned another whirring ball of orange and blue flame between his fingers, brightly colored red burning talons blazing over his hands. "Bitch, please. I blow up universes _regularly_."

"Oh, yeah?" Ryan said hazily. "Well, I saved the whole fuckin' town-" Lyra coughed loudly, thumping her chest with one of her hooves. "Uh, I mean, _we _saved the whole fuckin' town."

Nix snorted, grinning as he took yet another drink. By all rights, he should have been at least slightly inebriated by this point. What he wasn't telling anyone was that he was constantly regenerating his molecular structure, preventing him from getting drunk.

It was handy.

"I punched Cthulhu. In the _face_." He leaned back on his stool, a look of supreme satisfaction settling onto his features. "… And he _exploded_." He added, almost as an afterthought.

"Oh, yeah?" Ryan spouted immediately, refusing to be outdone. "Well, I drove a woman _insane_. She tried to _kill _me." He attempted to lean back in a similar fashion to Nix, nearly falling off his stool as he did so. "With my _dick_," he bragged.

"Christ, no wonder she went nuts. I'd go kinda crazy too, looking for something that_ isn't there."_

Lyra coughed, laughing into her drink, nearly spilling it when Ryan spluttered and fell off his stool. He lay on the floor, cackling as he gazed up at the ceiling. "F-fucker," he chortled, dragging himself back up. Ryan watched as Nix pulled another cigarette from the packet inside his breast pocket of his leather duster, and he motioned to the fire flinger to hand him one.

"… Know what? Here." He said lowly, handing Ryan the entire packet. Ryan gazed at it in wonder, tears nearly in his eyes.

First free booze, then cigarettes. Today was a good day.

He tucked them into his pocket for later. "… Thanks, man." Nix merely snickered, not doing a very good job at hiding it.

The door behind them burst open with a loud _slam!_, and Ryan and Lyra jumped. Nix, however, merely watched with a bored expression. "Saw that coming," he said quietly, holding up a finger.

Ryan's blood froze when he saw the impossibly tall, dark figure standing in the doorway. It was the same being he'd seen before, in the Everfree Forest. Thin, spider-like appendages, and ludicrously tall. He stood nearly to the ceiling, the white shirt and blood red tie standing out starkly from his black suit. The suit itself seemed to meld together with his arms, and Ryan couldn't even tell them apart.

Either that, or he was more drunk than he thought.

What disturbed him most about the figure, however, was that it didn't have a face. White, round and almost sharp looking, the head turned directly at Ryan. The slender figure held out an arm, motioning for him to follow.

Ryan glanced at Nix, confused. "Hey, don't look at me, man. I don't have the fight in me for Eldritch abominations right now."

"… 'The _fuck _is an 'Eldritch abomination'?" Ryan asked with his heart in his throat, eyes flickering wearily back to the slender figure in the doorway.

"Technically a temporal anomaly, verifiably indicating the quantum-"

"Hush, Elizabeth. This is getting good."

The figure merely stood in the doorway, extending a long, black hand toward Ryan. Oddly enough, he couldn't see the sunlight outside. "… You're serious."

Nix shrugged again, snapping his fingers. Another barstool, empty save for a couple of drained mugs, immediately sauntered over to him on rubbery legs. He threw his own legs over it, leaning against the bar to watch the scene unfold.

_… How the fuck did he do that?_

The tall, blank faced slender man urged Ryan forward again, nearly impatient. Ryan sighed, looking around and seeing that nobody was going to come to his support. Berry might have if she were conscious; Lyra merely stared in wide-eyed horror at the thing, desperately trying to make herself seem smaller.

"… Aw, _hell _no. There's no way in-" Ryan was promptly cut off by Nix, who grabbed him by his shirt collar. Ryan jerked in surprise, and discovered at the wrong moment that the fellow 'human' was much, much stronger than he looked. Lifting Ryan over his head like a missile, he hurled him directly at the slender man in the doorway without a moment's hesitation.

As it turns out, Ryan retained some of his previous features left behind by the Poison Joke.

For example, he screamed like a woman.

Which he desperately tried to convince himself was completely a side effect of the Poison Joke.

Ryan shrieked, slamming directly into the dark figure. A writhing mass of screaming black tentacles appeared in a smoky blur, blinding him as they hurtled at high speed through the doorway and vanished into the night.

"… Whelp, put it on Lyra's tab." Nix said satisfactorily, calmly waltzing out the door.

After a few moments of silence, one of the wooden fans fell from the ceiling with a clunk.

"… Mac?" Lyra said to the lime green bartender. "… I'm gonna need another drink before any of this starts making sense."

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_"We had a deal, Carlos! No kids!" Ryan screamed hoarsely, throwing himself over the broken body of the little boy._

_Not that it would do much good – if he wasn't dead already, he was likely to be soon. Ryan felt sick with disgust; to discover what Carlos and his goons had done to the child's parents, and right in front of him, no less._

_It didn't make it any better that they were his neighbors._

_"Always late to the party, aren't you?" Carlos Caesar stared at him with cold, calculating eyes, sitting calmly in the freshly bloodied armchair. It wasn't like Carlos to make such a mess; then again, he brought along Bruno. Bruno liked to be messy. The gargantuan behemoth of a man leaned against the wall, fingers dancing expectantly along his favorite Glock._

_"We had a fucking deal!"_

_"Yes, about that; you still owe me. A LOT," Carlos stated calmly, as if he were discussing the weather. He used the boy's mother as a footstool, resting his feet as if nothing were out of the ordinary. It wasn't like she was going to complain about it any time soon, anyway._

_"You're not gettin' your fuckin' money back!" Ryan screamed at him, hoping to distract him long enough to clasp the switchblade in his back pocket._

_"… I'm sorry, what was that?" Carlos said, and for the first time, Ryan saw a hint of displeasure mixed in with his usually emotionless features._

_"I said, the money's gone! All of it; it's all gone!" It was technically the truth. Ryan had used every single dime to support his cousins._

_Carlos stared at him blankly, before turning his head and snapping his fingers. "Bruno."_

_Ryan took his opportunity and kicked the pistol out of Bruno's hand, flinging the knife at Carlos as he did so. He heard the scream, and the sound of the mountain of a man scrabbling for his gun. By the time the pockshots began flying overhead, Ryan was already bounding away with the child in his arms._

_Faster. Why can't I ever be faster?_

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Ryan tumbled into the street, gazing up at the night sky. He heard a shriek of terror as he nearly crushed an empty fruit stand, before realizing that it had come from his own mouth.

**_Oh, there you are. I see you've learned how to hide from me. Any other tricks up your sleeve?_**

Ryan groaned, rolling over the splintered remains of the cart. He gave himself a once over, searching the area for the faceless man. However, he was nowhere to be seen. The entire street looked completely deserted. When he turned back to face the 8-Bits, he found that (unsurprisingly) it was gone once again.

"Christ," he grumbled, hands flying to his aching lower back. "just… shut up. I didn't learn any tricks, fucker. I'm not a pet dog."

**_Ooh, touchy,_** Discord mocked him. Much to Ryan's dismay, his vision had lost its drunken hue. _As a matter of fact…_

Ryan patted himself down, smelling his breath and touching his own nose. "… 'The fuck? I should be _drunk as hell_ right now!"

**_Oh, I absolutely agree. That's the best way to get anything done, really; whilst completely inebriated._**

"Fuck off!" Ryan yelled into the air angrily, stuffing his hands into his pockets. In one was his trusted Zippo. To his delight, in the other he found the slightly crushed packet of cigarettes Nix had given him. He pulled them out with a grin, only to open the cardboard box to find…

_"Son of a bitch, he smoked 'em all!"_

Ryan stomped the packet into the ground, gritting his teeth and holding back a few choice words that he'd reserve for the fellow human should he see him again.

"Like it could get _any _fuckin' worse!"

And that's when it began snowing.

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**Author's Note:**

A special thanks to firefeng, for allowing in an awesome cameo.

Check out his story below; it's worth the read.

story/81009/memories-of-a-phoenix


	20. Ch20: You Done Goofed

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"C-c-c-cold…" Ryan shuddered, clutching at his arms as he watched his breath float up in foggy puffs. "Why is it so fuckin' cold?"

**_I'll give you three guesses,_** Discord replied, and Ryan would have sworn that he was smirking at him. **_And all of them rhyme with 'snow'._**

"F-f-fu-fu-fuck you." Ryan shook, trying to keep himself warmer by walking. He was starting to miss the alcohol. It was strange; it had been so warm previously…

From what Ryan could see, Ponyville looked completely deserted. Many shops had been either closed or boarded up completely, which was strange enough in itself. A chill that he convinced himself was merely the gently falling snow crept up his spine as he passed Sugarcube Corner.

Or, at least, what was left of Sugarcube Corner.

"… What the fuck?" Ryan whispered, stalking up to the ruined building. Part of the roof had been blown completely off, and there was only one window intact. He sidled up to it, breathing on it and wiping it with his arm to get a clear look inside. However, all he could see were a couple of wooden crates, heavy with dust. A pair of dusty, upturned tattered baby carriages sat in the corner, one of them missing its wheels. Beside them sat a little cardboard sign, written with 'No Longer Needed'.

He slowly pulled away from the window, breath catching in his chest. He thought furiously, eyes darting about the abandoned town nervously. The last time he was in the 8-Bits, he'd spent about twenty minutes. In the world outside, however, it had been over _seven hours…_

"… How long have I been gone?" he asked no one. Discord didn't seem to be answering anymore.

_… I've got to find Twilight._ He thought to himself determinedly, stomping through the steadily falling clumps of snow, clinging to him with a newfound vigor. She'd have answers. Oddly enough, when he glanced up at the sky, he discovered that there were no clouds – as in, at all. Bright, starry skies greeted him, blinking warmly back.

It left him wondering vaguely where all the snow was coming from, but not enough to keep him from his mission. Ryan made a beeline for the library's general direction. It was a little more difficult to navigate throughout Ponyville, what with the debris scattered around. A single barrel burned with a dim light on a street corner, and as he passed it he discovered that Ponyville wasn't completely abandoned.

A tiny, grey filly met his eyes in terror, cringing away as he passed and tried to hide behind the barrel. She poked her head around silently, and Ryan noticed that there was something off about her. It took him a full moment to realize that her eyes were pointing in different directions.

_… She must cost a fortune in glasses._

Ryan grinned at that, crouching down and extending a hand to the Pegasus. "Hey, ki-"

The filly shrieked, shying away from him and galloping as fast as her tiny legs could take her, using her little wings to further propel herself forward. It took only a few seconds for the filly to completely leave his sight, and the smile slowly faded from his lips.

Sure, there'd been a few ponies that were surprised or weirded out by seeing him. None had ever done _that _before. His face slowly settled into a scowl, and he shoved his cold hands into his pockets. The fire in the barrel was steadily dwindling, and there didn't look to be much left in it to burn anyway. Aside from a couple of sticks, a broken glass bottle, the remains of a signpost, and a few bricks the barrel was close to empty.

Ryan shrugged, trying not to think too hard about it.

He didn't _want _to think about it.

He trudged further through the steadily growing snow, forced to increase his efforts in order to keep up his pace. The snow leaked in through his shoes, soaking and freezing his feet.

It was then, when he finally reached the place that had been his temporary home, that Ryan discovered something that put him off more than anything else.

The library was gone.

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Ryan breathed in shock, staring at the place where the library used to be. The large tree – er, house – _treehouse_, had been completely ripped up from the roots. He had no idea where the tree had gone; in its place was a flat patch of land, clear save for a handful of slabs of wood, sticking directly out of the frozen ground.

He drew closer, calling out. "Hello? Twilight?" his heavy feet stomped through the snow, and he fumbled for his lighter in order to see the slabs of wood more clearly. Perhaps they held some clue as to where in the hell an _entire house_ had gone.

The dim light from the flames flickered quietly in the breeze, and Ryan did his best to keep it lit by cupping one hand around the flame. It went out a few times, but he finally succeeded enough to peer at the slabs. As he examined them whilst kneeling in the snow, he found that each one had carefully etched drawings on each one, almost as if done by a child.

One of them was etched into the shape of a rainbow, and the one next to it showed what looked to be scribbles of butterflies. Opposite that one, a few feet away, stood one that jutted out of the ground awkwardly, almost as if it'd been kicked a few times. It portrayed a trio of apples.

A growing sense of dread slowly began to grow in Ryan's chest.

_… No. Please, oh please, god, no._

Another slab of wood was slightly larger than the others, and Ryan could see that it was made from the sign hanging in front of Rarity's shop. _Carousel Bout_- was all he could see, the rest covered by snow. On its opposite side were a few glued jewels, and one of them looked like it had been broken, or a bite taken out of it.

Another one, directly in the center of every other slab, stood out much more easily than the others. Even though the paint was faded, and chipped in many places, it's vibrant pink hue was stark against the dark sky and white snow.

This one had etchings of balloons, floating in a carefree manner upwards.

A quiet sob escaped Ryan's lips, and he felt a burning sensation in his eyes. "… No. _No_," he forced out, refusing to believe the scene that stood in front of him.

They weren't just slabs of wood.

They were _headstones_.

It felt like Ryan's brain was shutting down; he simply couldn't comprehend how this could have happened. The tiny flame from the lighter flickered out, and Ryan dropped to his knees, hands flying out to the snow covered ground. His fist hit the ground once – twice – again. Again. Again. Harder and harder, punching the ground repeatedly, as if he could make everything the way it used to be out of sheer force of will.

It wasn't right.

It wasn't _fair_.

He was supposed to be there for them; he promised. Just the same as his cousins, he'd be there for them.

_I promised I'd be there._

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_"Let me through – let me through!" Ryan screamed, shoving past the police personnel. The yellow tickers of tape were ripped aside as he pushed his way past the officers, desperately trying to get into the hospital room._

_"Easy there, son," one of them said, holding him back with one arm. "I can see how you might be upset, but this doesn't concern y-"_

_"Like FUCK it doesn't, let me through! I know 'em, I know 'em! Lemme through!"_

_Ryan threw the man off, scrabbling to get inside. He regretted running away in the first place._

_In his defense, he did keep his promise. He came back._

_Sometimes, though, Ryan just wasn't fast enough._

_It was bad enough discovering that Carlos had come back to finish the job._

_Seeing what he'd done to Tiffany when she tried to protect the defenseless child was even worse._

_So very, very much worse._

_Ryan knew immediately that Bruno had been involved as well._

_Carlos never left a mess like this._

_And, oh, god was it a mess._

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His eyes burned furiously, but he wiped them off as his shaking hands fumbled with the lighter.

There was still hope; there was one slab – no, headstone – that he hadn't seen.

Each grave marker displayed one of the pony's cutie marks in some fashion; however, he didn't see one with Twilight Sparkle's.

His light swung back and forth, searching and re-searching until he was positive that there were no more.

"I'm waiting for that day to come, too."

Ryan jumped, the unexpected voice from behind him whispered softly.

"Shit!" he yelped, falling into the snow. He dropped his lighter, but thankfully grabbed it again before he could lose it. He desperately flailed about, straining his nearly frozen fingers in order to light the flame.

After a couple of tries, a dim, violet glow greeted him a couple of feet away. It slowly grew into a shining magenta orb, floating up from the unicorn's horn and levitating into the air. In the light, Ryan could now see that the unicorn was none other than-

"Purple!" he cried out, flinging his arms around her. She cringed at his touch, but swiftly returned to her previous demeanor. The tattered yellow regal looking clothing she wore looked as if it hadn't been worn, or even _washed _in ages.

Her eyes were sunken an her face was haggard, and she looked like she hadn't slept in a long, long time.

"… Christ," he breathed, struggling to keep his voice in check as he hugged her. "What _happened?_ Just how long was I gone?"

"… A while." She responded with a quiet, sad whisper, and she threw a wing over his shoulder gently to comfort him.

It took Ryan a full beat to comprehend what just happened.

She threw a wing over his shoulder.

A _wing._

He touched it, backing away as he held it aloft between two fingers. "… What the…?"

"… A long while."

Ryan ran a hand through his greasy black hair, mind still trying to wrap itself around the entire situation. "I-I don't understand. I… I just…"

"Unicorn horns grow back. Did you know that?" Twilight said in a soft, conversational tone. There was something hidden beneath it, he could tell; sorrow, pain.

Bitterness.

When he remained silent, uncertain as to how to respond to this new piece of information, she continued. "They can even be forced to regrow rapidly, if enough magic is forced into them. They act as a natural conduit for magical energy. It's quite fascinating, really."

"… Why are you telling me this?" Ryan asked, confused.

"… You're right. You were _always _right," she replied with a small, sad smile. "Why bother explaining…" and with that, she flared her wings as her horn glowed a violent, bright purple. The air around them crackled with energy, and Ryan covered his eyes with his arm to keep from being blinded.

A moment passed, and he felt similar to being flash-fried. It quickly passed, and he discovered that Twilight had indeed gotten practice with the teleportation.

He gazed around in dim surprise, taking in the new environment. This place was in bad condition, as well; even more so than Ponyville. The spiraling, golden towers shined brightly in the night sky, reflecting the many fires around them. It was like the entire place had been battered with artillery.

Heavy artillery.

"When I can show you." she finished miserably.

"… Where are we?"

"Canterlot," Twilight whispered, and Ryan could barely hear her over the sound of tinny sirens in the distance. "Or not. Take your pick."

"Whadd'you mean?" he asked, turning on the spot. The snow was falling even more heavily here, but he could see a few more clouds this time.

The question answered itself as he turned. Behind him were the remains of Canterlot.

Many, many miles below him stood the burning wreckage of Brooklyn.

"_Sweet mother of Christ_," Ryan breathed in shock, staring in awe and horror at the enormous level of destruction. Light fluttering overhead caught his attention, and he gazed up just in time to see a barrage of dark-winged, bat-like Pegasi with glowing violet eyes hurtling themselves at the city below. Ryan realized that the sirens he thought he'd heard were actually the screams of the bat-ponies, throwing themselves into the ground beneath them.

"What's going on?" he yelled, fists curling into balls. "What the _fuck _is going on? Did – how…?!"

Twilight slowly stepped up to him, looking at him with large, baleful eyes.

"No longer am I subservient." Her eyes glowed brightly along with her horn, and Ryan gradually felt his feet leaving the ground. He panicked, not expecting the sudden levitation.

"No longer shall I suffer for sins that are not my own," she said more loudly, and to his great displeasure, Ryan discovered that the rocky edge of the flying city was slowly growing closer.

_… She's going to kill me_, he realized with dim awareness.

Her voice grew soft again, and he could see that she was weeping openly now. "No – no longer. You will know what to do when the time comes," she cried, trying to keep her voice even as Ryan was dangled out over the edge of the cliff. The burning city below him greeted him hungrily.

"Purple – _Twilight, stop!"_ he struggled in fear, kicking his feet uselessly to get back onto solid ground.

"… Tell her. Tell her for me, 'love will hurt you'. Tell her for me," Twilight said quietly through the tears glistening down her cheeks. "Tell her."

"Tell who? Twilight, _please!_" he begged, desperate.

"No longer." She steadily drew him closer to the precipice as she walked slowly to him, and put her forehooves on his chest as she looked him in the eye.

And then, Twilight whispered something in his ear. Something he wished he'd never, ever hear again.

Something he certainly hoped he'd never hear coming out of Twilight Sparkle's mouth.

_"… Hail, Dawnbreaker."_

And then she dropped him.

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The buildings were on fire.

The screaming shells of twisted, bat -like Pegasi rocketing toward the ground around him were on fire.

Even the water below was on fire.

Ryan screamed, voice lost in the wind as the flaming river below rushed up to meet him-

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- And he tumbled out into the streets of Ponyville through the door of the pub, daylight streaming down from overhead.

Ryan took in deep, heavy gasps of air, tears of pain and fear falling down his face as he thrashed about. The black form of the tall, slender man lurched back in surprise, and Ryan scrabbled to his feet.

"Back off! Just back the _fuck _off!" he screamed at it, swinging violently.

It looked the same as when he'd left it; ponies standing around, staring in shock. Ponyville recently ravaged by rampaging Parasprites. The only real difference was the suited faceless man, watching him expressionlessly.

_Gotta get to the kid._

"That's-that's right," Ryan said breathlessly as he brandished the lighter in front of himself. "You-you-you just… back the fuck off."

**_"… ScOotAloO wAs rIgHt, yOu ARE rUdE."_**

Ryan blanched, not expecting the thing to talk. He watched as it slowly shrank down from its previous towering height, its features shriveling until it merely resembled a very large and skinny pony. It's elongated face (if you could call it that) was still a blank, white mask. A red circle with an 'X' appeared on its sides, and Ryan guessed that it was supposed to be some kind of imitation cutie mark.

"… You can talk." It registered more as dull surprise than anything else. He'd seen enough in the past few hours that he felt absolutely nothing could surprise him anymore.

The poor, poor bastard.

"**_WeLl, EvIdEnTlY._**" The slender mare shot back at him, and Ryan felt that it was glaring angrily.

Then again, Ryan would be angry too if someone had thrown a person at him.

"… What do you want?"

The slender mare simply stared at him (or turned in his direction and stood very still, anyway,) before reaching into its breast pocket with one hoof and pulling out a small, rectangular grey box.

**_"My LiTtLe OnE fOuNd ThIs. We SuPpOsEd It BeLoNgEd To YoU."_** it dropped the box into Ryan's outstretched hand.

"… My phone?" he said, confused. He thought he lost it when he arrived in Equestria. It was definitely his; the initials 'RM' had been scratched onto the back of the Nokia.

"Daddy!" a small voice called as it came around the corner, and Ryan saw a small orange Pegasus with a bright violet mane and amber eyes break out into a large smile.

Just when Ryan thought that nothing else could surprise him today, the Slender Mare and the little orange Pegasus embraced lovingly, before walking away down a back alley talking about the young one's day at school.

"… Huh." He grunted, and turned his attention back to the phone in his hands. Unsurprisingly, it wouldn't turn on; probably a dead battery.

_Now I just need some cigarettes and my fuckin' wallet_, he thought grimly. He paused in the middle of the street, thinking. After the recent events, he needed a moment to ruminate. He could have almost sworn he was doing something impo-

_"Fuck me with a shovel, hang on, kid!"_ Ryan yelped, dashing down the street toward the library.

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Ryan kicked in the door to the library, barreling inside. Spike leapt from his spot on the couch, quickly brushing speckles of gems off of himself.

"I was gonna –_burp!_ – share, I swear!"

"Where is she?!" Ryan said frantically, sweat rolling down his back.

"Who-?"

"Twilight! Fluttershy! Pinkie, Skittles, anybody!"

"Oh, there you are – I see Zecora's antidote worked much faster than I'd previously anticip – _oof!"_ Twilight gasped in surprise, the human throwing himself around her neck.

Great, bellowing sobs escaped him as he squeezed her as tightly as he could, thankfully finding that she had no feathery wings.

"Yes, I- hnng! – I'm glad to see you, too, but – hff! – I can't breathe…!"

Ryan relaxed his hysterical grip, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You're – you're okay. _You're okay,"_ he said with relief, more to reassure himself than anything. Twilight merely stared at him in confusion. "Of course I am. Except for Pinkie Pie; she almost swallowed her trombone when you 'solved' the Parasprite problem."

"Wait, Pinkie?"

"Yes, Pinkie," Twilight replied in exasperation. "You know, about 'yea high'?" she said, holding a hoof up to her own height. "Very talkative. Smells like bubblegum, breaks the laws of physics on a regular basis?"

"I meant, she's still alive?"

Twilight stared at him in confusion, her own violet eyes tilting with her head slowly. "Yes…? Ryan, you saw her, like, ten minutes ago."

"Twelve minutes and forty-six seconds, actually," came a lilting, strong feminine tone from the other room. Twilight did her best to improve her posture suddenly, smiling. Even Spike tried to look a little less gem-encrusted. He wasn't doing a very good job of it, as he was continually trying to lick his elbow to get the last of the jewel dust off.

From behind Twilight quietly stepped a much larger horse, head nearly meeting Ryan's eyes. The flowing, shining multi-hued mane and regal golden brooch and tiara with an inlaid amethyst gave her the impression of the very, very wealthy. Ryan immediately began disliking the newcomer.

He'd had experiences with enough rich ponies traveling through Ponyville when he was 'minding his own business'. Technically, finding new ways to cause trouble without getting caught. Regardless, the rich ponies he had met were generally rude, stuck up, and snotty as hell. This one wasn't going to be any different.

She looked a little familiar, the way she was half-frowning at him. Her large, lilac eyes met his beady black ones, and he did his best to remember where he'd seen her before.

"… Have we met?"

"You nearly set me on fire." She replied bluntly.

"Oh, yeah," Ryan laughed. "That was _funny as hell."_

"I believe when it comes to androgynous humans violently disrupting the harmony of Equestria and committing a brutal, flaming genocide in front of my very eyes, you and I have _very _different perceptions of 'funny'."

Ryan stared at her, crossing his arms. "Christ, who's the stick in the mud?" he glowered, asking Twilight as he leaned against the wall.

Twilight flinched, and Ryan noticed that the large white horse had both a long unicorn's horn and wings as well. It reminded him of that twisted, frankly terrifying version of Twilight.

He didn't like it.

"So, like, what are you?" he asked the regal looking white one without awaiting an answer. "You're like, part unicorn and part Pegasus. Are you, uh… unisus? Pegacorn? Unisus. A unisus. Anus." He snapped his fingers, a grin spreading on his face. "That's what I'm callin' you, now. Anus."

The white one's eyes narrowed sharply, and for a moment, Ryan got the insane thought that she might try to spear him with her horn.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Ryan cut her off rudely. The faster he got rid of this one, the sooner he could get back to looking for the other ponies –

Which, he realized far too late, had all gathered wordlessly in the doorway, mouths agape. It was apparent they'd been watching the conversation with some level of horror. Rarity's face looked particularly pale, which was difficult already, considering her coat color.

"So, you got a butt-tattoo as well, huh?" Ryan asked conversationally in a taunting tone. "I hear those are all 'bout certain skills 'n shit. So, what? Your special talent is havin' an ass bigger than the sun? Yoo-hoo, pegacorn?"

Rarity swooned on the spot, and fell to the ground with a dull thud.

She quickly stood again, once she realized that all of her friends were far too distracted to help her to her feet.

Twilight slowly pinched the bridge of her nose with her hoof, sighing in agitation and despair at Ryan's unbelievably immense level of sheer stupidity.

Ryan blinked, and he could have sworn he heard heaving guffaws coming from somewhere.

**_Ha ha ha ha! Oh, now you done goofed! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!_**

"… Ryan, I'd like to introduce you to my personal mentor and the ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia."

"… Aw, _fuck."_

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**Author's Note:**

The plot thickens.

(A pair of dusty, upturned tattered baby carriages sat in the corner, one of them missing its wheels. Beside them sat a little cardboard sign, written with 'No Longer Needed'.) Seriously, those two little lines have got to be the DARKEST thing I have ever written.

Ever.


	21. Ch21: Silence In The Library

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Ryan didn't like staring contests.

He was never much good at them, to be honest.

Then again, honesty was never his strong suit.

"A _real_ _pleasure _ to meet your fuckin' acquaintance, Your Obeseness," Ryan forced a shark-like grin, holding a hand out to the princess. The ruler herself was much taller than the other ponies, nearly meeting his eyes.

"Oh, please, the pleasure is all mine." Princess Celestia replied politely, meeting his hand in her golden shoed hoof from across Twilight Sparkle's kitchen table. If it bothered Ryan that she showed no sign of agitation, none could tell.

Twilight, Applejack, Dash and Pinkie stood crowded behind Princess Celestia, watching the two carefully. Fluttershy and Rarity were in the room next to them, peering in around the corner with Spike.

Ryan sat down in the awkwardly built chair across from the princess, glaring at her. However, he said nothing, and Celestia regarded his silence with the same.

"… Er…" Twilight said uncomfortably. "I'll just… put some tea on…"

"I think that's an excellent idea, Twilight." Celestia agreed, never taking her eyes off of Ryan. The sound of kettles clanging about and the sound of hissing water greeted his ears, and he leaned forward in his own chair in what he hoped was a threatening manner. If he ever needed to look intimidating, he supposed he could just smile more often. Apparently, he creeped ponies out when he smiled at them.

"… So, you gonna tell me what this is all about, or are you plannin' on having your meat puppet keep me in check for a few more weeks?" Ryan hissed, glaring at Celestia.

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about," she said slowly. The tip of her horn flashed momentarily, but he couldn't see anything happening.

Ryan snorted, leaning back. He tried getting up, only to discover that his rear had become quite attached to the chair.

… _So. We're playing 'that' kind of game._

"Bullshit," he said, waving a hand at her while trying to look unfazed. "you're gonna tell me Purple Nurple here," he said, jabbing a thumb at Twilight, who was carefully telekinetically passing around hot cups of tea to her friends. "That the kid here ain't under direct orders to watch me at all times?"

Celestia paused, deep in thought. After a moment, she answered "I asked my student to watch you more closely, in part because of the nature of your arrival."

"Knnt. 'Nature of my arrival'?" he spat, glowering at her. Ryan knew _exactly_ what she was up to. "My _ass_. I read the letters; you can't hide it from me any longer. Yeah, talkin' to you, kid."

Twilight's ears perked up, and she looked around nervously. "I-I have no idea what you're talking ab-"

"I say again. _Bullshit," _Ryan deadpanned, turning his gaze upon the lavender unicorn. "I knew, right from the _very beginning._" He claimed dramatically, leaning back in his chair and kicking his feet up on the table in front of the princess. He felt rather proud of himself, for being clever enough to figure a way around her little silent binding spell. His chair stood on two legs, and he kicked back with his arms behind his head, as if he were comfortable.

For the record, he was _very_ uncomfortable.

"You… you knew?" Twilight looked back and forth between the grinning human and Princess Celestia. Even Celestia looked a little surprised.

Although, with Ryan's shoes that close to her face, she looked more annoyed than anything else.

"Eeyup," he said, mimicking Applejack's brother. "I knew the whole time it was you who brought me to this world. You been keepin' me locked up here, 'cause if I go back ta' my own world, it'll get burned to the ground."

Every single pony in the room stared at him, but none with a more piercing stare than Celestia.

After a couple of moments, Twilight spoke. "… I never brought you here."

The revelation alone was enough to cause Ryan to topple over onto the floor. Thankfully, Celestia released her binding spell in time-

-just in time for Ryan's face to hit the floor.

He sputtered, quickly getting back into the chair with a red face. "I-I don't… what?"

"I _said,_ I never brought you here."

"But-but-but…" he struggled. "… your letters… _you knew I was coming!_"

"Yes, she did," Princess Celestia interjected, lowering her head. "because I told her so."

"… So… this is _your_ fault?" Ryan asked, befuddled. The lighting storm that had whirled around that vortex? Purple. The vortex that had brought him to Equestria in the first place? Purple. Twilight's signature encompassing color for _every single magical thing he'd ever seen her do?_

Purple.

It baffled him; it had all fit together so… _perfectly_. It explained so very much, and he'd spent all of his time, never trusting her word or actions…

No. It _did_ fit together perfectly.

"… It fit together… perfectly…" he said aloud, fingers forming a steeple together as he lost himself in thought.

"… How did you know I was coming?" Ryan asked Celestia quietly.

"My sister and I… felt a ripple. Far, far away, in a dark corner of existence, we felt… a _change in the Harmony._ We felt a fluctuation of chaos."

Ryan's heart pounded in his chest as he began to piece it together. Yeah, the vortex _had_ been purple. But everything he saw, all the whirling chaos he witnessed whenever he got knocked out?

Everything he saw anytime he came close to death?

_All the orders I've been… blindly… following-!_

_**Ever since you got here,**_ the voice finished for him satisfactorily.

"_Discord, you SON OF A BITCH!"_

Ryan slammed his fists on the table, and the china bounced, spilling tea everywhere.

That same, echoing laughter just grew louder.

Celestia's eyes widened significantly. "Discord? You… did not invade Equestria of your own volition?"

"_Does it fucking look like it?!_" Ryan raged, clenching and unclenching his fists. He ground his teeth, seething with anger. He didn't know what he felt stupider for; the fact that he had listened to Discord's explanation as to how he was in his mind, or the fact that he believed it.

_**Yes, we'll get to that in a moment.**_

"You… you don't get it," Ryan heaved, trying to keep stable in the chair. The room felt like it was spinning beneath him, and the air felt heavy. How much of it had been a lie?

Just how much of it had even been _real?_

_**I SAID, we'll get to that in a moment. Be patient, would you?**_

"Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up shut up!" he groaned, clamping his hands over his ears. "You don't _get _it!" he said to Celestia. "He's… _in here,_" he said, jabbing his temple hard with his forefinger. "He's in my head. He's _in_ my head. _He's in my head!_"

_**Three… two…**_

Celestia leaned forward...

And pierced Ryan's head with her horn.

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Or at least, that's what it felt like to Ryan. He could see that she had merely placed the tip upon the center of his forehead, and a light glow emanated from it. He could hear muddled voices, as if they'd been slowed down. For a moment, he thought Celestia was simply staring at him. He briefly wondered if he'd just died, but considering the amounts of pain he'd been through recently, it felt very different.

_**There. That should buy us a little time.**_

_What?_

Ryan found that he couldn't move his mouth; he couldn't move anything. His arms, body, he had no heartbeat. It was like time simply… stopped, leaving him completely aware. However, motion was slowly beginning to trickle back into reality, the glow from Celestia's horn stopping his view.

_**Now, I need you to listen very, very carefully.**_

_Go fuck yourself!_ Ryan silently screamed at the god of chaos. He felt a slight twinge at the back of his mind, and the world dissolved around him. Faster than he could blink, he found himself back within the confines of the maelstrom of light and color, whipping about with more energy than ever.

_Is that your plan? Lock me in here while you go find another puppet!?_

_**Oh, for the love of – will you shut up already and let me speak?**_

Ryan fell silent, watching as the whirling barrier of demented images slowly began to fade in places.

_**You don't have to throw such a filly-fit. You were never mind controlled, I never stole any memories; and the ones I peeked at were the same ones floating around the top, I left this place in good condition! **_Discord defended himself, and as the barrier faded, Ryan watched in awe as a massive, _insanely_ gigantic form was revealed. It was like an ocean – light, pure light. The (by comparison) pitiful shield of twirling images and colors cowed before it, bracing for impact.

_**At least, good condition compared to my LAST rental. Jeez, that place was a dump, I'm telling you.**_

_You wanted me to let you speak so you could talk about your shitty bachelor pad?_

Discord sighed heavily, and Ryan heard him slowly fading.

_**You're an idiot. I didn't bring you to Equestria, either.**_

_Yeah, I get that a lot. Wait, what?_

_**Now, that's not to say I didn't 'guide' you here. But I just thought that you should know, there are other forces at work aside from myself. See this, here?**_

As more of the barrier faded, Ryan watched as multiple pieces of animals floated together out of nothing, forming, quite possibly, the strangest creature Ryan had seen since the one time he'd been talked into an acid trip.

He had a deer antler on one side of his head, mirrored by a goat's horn. His large, mismatched red and yellow eyes gleamed sharply, and the whipping dragon's tail behind him swung heavily. A large bear's claw rested comfortably atop a lion's paw on his other arm, and he floated in mid-air with ease, sipping a milkshake.

… _Okay, what the FUCK?_

"_**Pay attention,"**_ Discord snapped his fingers, pointing at the trembling remains of the barrier. "_**See that? I didn't do that."**_

… _Uh…_

"_**That one's all yours, pal. I just… kick-started the engine, is all."**_

… _Explain._

"_**I'm getting there."**_ He whipped his tail back and forth, and it brushed against the non-existent ground beneath him agitatedly. _**"Ugh. Too impatient; so sense of dramatic buildup. Somebody else wanted you somewhere else. Badly enough to try to rip the universe apart to do it. And it was definitely YOU, specifically."**_

Ryan listened raptly to Discord's explanation as the ocean of power and light steadily grew closer.

"_**I only directed the flow a little. At least, enough to get you out of their reach."**_

… _Why? Why me?_

"_**I dunno,"**_ Discord shrugged, bored. He flicked the milkshake over his shoulder, where it exploded. _**"I just figured that if somebody was dumb enough to try reaching through **_**this**_** universe to get to little old you, it might things a tad more interesting around here."**_

… _I'm only here because you got BORED?!_

"_**No, you're here because I **_**saved**_** your scrawny white behind from a fate worse than death, and gave you the means to fight back."**_ Once again, Discord pointed toward the dwindling shield of chaos around them.

"_**Like I said, that's all you, pal. By the way, did you know that if you force enough magic into it, unicorn horns can act as a natural magical conduit?"**_

And then the world imploded.

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Ryan knew exactly what had happened; he'd anticipated it the very moment Discord twirled into the air, packed a couple of floating yellow suitcases (with a pair of hideously striped orange trousers sticking out awkwardly) and abruptly vanished with a snap of his fingers.

And then, everything had gone straight to hell.

The wave of light hit the flimsy shield and shattered it upon impact, like a wrecking ball through a thin sheet of glass. Despite what Discord had claimed, he had no potential or opportunity to defend himself; he was lost in the flood, promptly crushed beneath wave after wave of sheer, blinding _power._

It rose and fell around him, above and beneath, beside and within. Ryan felt an odd sense of perception change once again, letting himself drift away in the overwhelming current of energy.

_You know, for gettin' whacked in the head with that much force, you'd really think I'd be in more pain,_ he thought absently to himself.

_**Ah, there you are.**_

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It was painful.

Celestia did her best to navigate her way throughout the alien's mind, bottlenecking her power to a trickle and probing his innermost sentience as gently as she could.

It was still painful.

For both of them.

To the bystanders, it would merely appear that Princess Celestia had poked Ryan in the forehead with the tip of her glowing horn, and they'd simply stopped moving. Twilight Sparkle, however, had obtained a fair deal of information concerning the magical intrusion upon the minds of others. It was, on the whole, expressly forbidden.

And, from the tortured grimaces appearing on the pair's faces, it was clear why.

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_Sweet Christ, that fuckin' hurts! Back off, back off!_ Ryan shrieked defensively, attempting to back away from the overwhelming presence.

_**I'm TRYING to. This is an unpleasant experience for the both of us, I assure you.**_

_Fuck you, horse! Ao-ou-ow! Fuck!_

He could occasionally catch glimpses of the room around them; the sanded down, smooth wooden table beneath his fingertips, the light scent of chamomile from Celestia's too close for comfort presence…

And, just like that, it was gone – lost to the maelstrom of memories.

Some of which weren't even his.

_**I know, I know**_. Her voice echoed comfortingly in a similar manner that Discord's had, albeit from further away. _**But I must be assured that Discord's presence has been completely and irrevocably plunged from the depths of your mind, lest he return with a greater vengeance.**_

_AH! Hey, at least with – fuckfuckfuckthathurt! – that guy, it didn't – ow! – feel like gettin' a boilin' barbed wire enema through my ear!_

Ryan could almost feel the princess purse her lips in thought.

_**Well, that was… graphic.**_

_I get that a lot lately._

She gradually slowed her efforts, although she did her best to avoid any of his memories. Celestia's flowing force was more akin to an overhead sweep than a purging presence, but Ryan couldn't tell the difference.

After what felt like an eternity, Celestia slowly retreated from his mind. He watched the light fade with some level of comfort, when a single thought occurred to him.

And he was pretty certain that she heard it, because a slow look of horror dawned on her face as it did so. It was what the winged, miserable apparition Twilight had said to him in that strange wasteland. Even Discord had repeated as much.

… _Did you know that if you force enough magic into it, unicorn horns act as a natural magical conduit?_

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

He could feel the power rushing around him – and, for the first time, he reached back out for it.

Apparently, Celestia had not been anticipating this.

If she had, Ryan would no longer be alive.

The instant he mentally grabbed for the energy, he felt his sense of perception alter – no, not just that. It was as if everything suddenly _shifted_, and _he_ were the one with all the power.

He could feel it.

More than just strength – raw, wondrous snapping chords of sheer _power…!_

It thrilled him in a way he'd never experienced before, and he felt his heart race faster as sweat beaded down his forehead, falling in rivets onto his hooves. The strength, the outright authority of his mere command; he could do more than fight back.

So much more.

He could _rule_.

The potential, the hidden valley of indomitable supremacy that flowed from his very core ensured it. He could _rule every single one of these savages with an iron fist._ Ryan felt a strange sense of euphoria at the notion – but it wasn't enough. He needed more – he _needed _more…! It wasn't enough.

The crackling energy flowing through his outstretched wings, buffeting the steely human in front of him-

_More…!_

The human in front of him? What happened to… her hooves?

Him? Her?

_**Me?**_

He felt a strange sense of urgency to break the spell; he needed to run, needed to escape. Someone was going to get hurt, he knew it. He needed to get out, to stop before someone got hurt_ badly_. But the hunger…!

_More! More! More! MORE!_

"-ap out of it, snap out of it!"

_MORE! MORE!_

… _**More…**_

_Give me more! MORE!_

_**More!**_

_MORE!_

_**MORE!**_

"_**ENOUGH!**_"

Ryan yanked himself forcefully away from the mental chokehold he'd gained on Celestia, the world around coming into focus once more.

The spell broke instantly, and Ryan fell onto the table, heaving for breath. The moment he felt release, he felt as though he'd obtained clarity – although in hindsight, it was more like freedom from temporary insanity. Like a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Princess Celestia collapsed as well, although she did not retain consciousness. She collapsed onto the floor, her legs buckling beneath her.

The reactions of the ponies around them were mostly the same, with cries of surprise and shouts for their princess.

Ryan merely gaped, staring mindlessly at his hands in horror.

… _I killed her._

"Princess?" Twilight cried out, desperately trying to lift up the much larger one. Her friends rushed to help her, trying in vain to give her leverage. "Princess, wake up!"

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"_Wake up! Mommy – mommy, please wake up!"_

"_She's gone; she's fuckin' gone, get over yourself!"_

"_Please! Please, m-mommy, please wake up!"_

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The events of the frozen wasteland he'd stumbled upon intruded his thoughts. Of the possibility that the particular future he'd seen wasn't too far away…

_I killed her…!_

_Just how do you think that happened, hmm? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that was the future, and I'm pretty sure that was YOUR fault._ A sneaky voice from the back of his mind said, and he refused to acknowledge the guilt and fear that was grinding into his stomach like a fist.

_Shut up – shut up!_

He wouldn't let that future come to pass – he _couldn't_ let it happen.

"Move – get outta my way!" Ryan yelled, shoving past the gathered ponies. Twilight seemed to be in shock, and Fluttershy looked like she was on the verge of tears. He dropped to his knees, thinking furiously.

_I dunno… I don't know! I don't know what to do!_

_And that's why everyone that gets close to you dies. Idiot._

_Shut up, brain!_

"Uh…! Er… Ehm…" he breathed heavily, hand flying to her throat. The previously multi-hued mane that had drifted around her head so gracefully had fallen around her, and the shining sparkles of light within it had all but faded. Even the colors seemed dimmer, less bright and garish. He felt feverishly for a pulse, uncertain of where a pony's jugular vein was.

_Do ponies have jugular veins…?_

"… I just… I just…!" he heaved, and it felt like a golf ball had lodged itself in his throat.

… _Maybe this is what started it. Maybe you killed her, and then Twilight just fell apart trying to fill her shoes…_

_Shut up brain! Why can't you ever be helpful, and shut up?!_

"H-here," Fluttershy offered helpfully, gently nudging his hand over slightly and further up. His fingers pressed lightly into her neck, and he kneeled over Celestia's unconscious form, hoping, praying…!

_There._

"Oh, thank god," he breathed a sigh of relief, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his forearm. She was still breathing, but in short and shallow gasps. "Here – 'cmon, help me get her up."

Together, they carefully lifted the princess onto the couch. Ryan snapped his fingers in front of her eyes a couple of times, but nothing happened.

"Hey. Yo, 'cmon fatass. Wakey wakey," he said nervously, grabbing a book from the shelf and using it to fan her. Celestia's eye twitched, and she blearily opened one.

"Are.. are you alright, Princess Celestia?" Twilight asked timidly, taking a small step forward.

"Ewe. Urgl ephlem blaw. Ggghg," she strained, eyes crossing.

"Oh, shit! I gave her brain damage!" Ryan yelped, cradling her head in his arms.

Celestia shook herself free from him, tightly closing her eyes and shaking her head fiercely with a loud _blu-bu-bu-bububub-bu!_

"… Ow." She stated simply, doing her absolute best to regain her composure. Her eyes were revealed to be very bloodshot when she opened them, but at least they were pointing in the right direction. "… I'm sorry if I worried you," she said, wrapping a wing around Twilight and pulling her closer. "Just a little… headache, is all."

"What happened?" Twilight asked. "We saw you touch his head, and then…!"

"Yeah, I think I got this," Ryan proffered, leaning against the bookshelf as he sat. He was just glad he hadn't accidentally killed anyone.

"See, some asshole Discord decided he was gonna make my head into a condo, see?" he explained, holding his hands in front of him as if he were squeezing his brain. "So, he works some mojo and gets all up in my head. Then he's all '_Imma let you live, but you gotta be my bitch.'_ And I'm all, 'aw, fuck that, bro', an' he's all-"

"The problem has been resolved thoroughly." Celestia deadpanned, desperate to cut short Ryan's pitiful 'explanation'.

"Bullshit, he's still out there!" Ryan disagreed, extending his arm and pointing out the window. "Fuck, you even said so! He ain't gone – and just so you know, he said he didn't bring me here, either. He was just fuckin' with somebody else's plan."

Celestia balked at him, and she straigtened herself on the sofa slightly.

"… Are you certain?" she asked hesitantly, trying to softly push the pain from the 'headache' away.

Ryan shrugged unhelpfully. "Uh-eh-uh. I'm just sayin' what he told me."

She bowed her head in thought, eyes closing against the too-bright lights. She opened them again once somepony had dimmed the lights-

"… Hey, who turned out the lights?" Applejack gasped suddenly, and the group carefully backed against the walls of the library as the darkness descended upon them instantly.

… _Oh, buck me with a shovel._ Celestia thought to herself with an inward groan.

"_**Who hast stricken our sister with such vile magics?!"**_

The voice itself was nearly enough to knock Ryan off his feet, and a glow erupted from the center of the room. He noticed vaguely that a similar power to Celestia's was forcing itself into the middle of the treehouse/library/thing.

It then occurred to him that he was sensing energy.

… '_The fuck?_

And that was all the time he had to think before wave after wave of cold power slammed into him, forcing him to his knees. The tall, dark and imposing figure of a mare clad in armor like the darkest night strode into his vision, and he could see his own reflection in the polished black steel shoes on her hooves. Glancing up, he could see the hooves connecting to long, slender legs, which gradually wound gracefully into the shapely figure of a rather intimidating looking alicorn.

Her wings flared violently, and the whirling dark ether simultaneously snapped shut behind her with a thunderous _boom!_ as lightning flared from her horn, winding its way in a serpentine fashion through her sky-colored mane and onto her back, trickling in sparks down to the floor.

Ryan found that the mane, itself, was almost hypnotizing to behold; the more he stared at the seemingly endless expanse of tiny stars that dwelt within, the harder it was to look away.

"_**Thou shalt pay for thine actions, heathen abomination!"**_

"Luna."

"_**Thy crimes against both the diarchy and mine sister shall have dire ramifications!"**_

"_Luna,_" Celestia repeated, shuffling off of Twilight's sofa.

"_**Bow, foul beast, and ready thine soul for the rapturous oblivion of eternal-!"**_

"_**Lulu!"**_

… _Lulu?_

The dark mare halted her speech, and Ryan felt his ears ringing afterwards. After a couple of moments, the slightly smaller black alicorn spoke. Thankfully, in a much quieter voice.

"… Yes, Tia?" she replied calmly. "We do believe it quite the inconvenience to interrupt one when attempting to eradicate another's existence completely," she stated as if discussing the weather, glaring daggers at Ryan.

"… What?" he shrugged. "I didn't do anything."

"Technically, yes. You did." Celestia intervened, and immediately regretted doing so.

"… _**Bow, foul beast, and ready thine soul for the rapturous oblivion of eternal-!"**_

"Luna!" Celestia shouted over the din to make herself heard.

"_Yes,_ sister?" she said impatiently, tapping a hoof against the ground. The steel on her hoof clinked against the floor, and for a moment, Ryan was reminded of a very large child.

Albeit, a child with the power to crush him like an insect.

"My… unfortunate circumstance was also partially my own fault," she admitted, before quickly continuing. "Our fears have been substantiated; Discord worms his way back into our world once more."

'Lulu' stared at her sister, eyes widening. "Doth mine ears deceive me, sister?"

"You know, nopony talks like that anymore," Twilight said gently, placing a hoof on Luna's shoulder. "And it's good to see you again, princess."

"Hang on, hang on-" Ryan said, holding up a hand. It was getting hard enough for him to keep up beforehand. "This is some 'Days of Our Lives' shit, right here. Okay, so that's _your_-" he said, pointing to Celestia. "-sister, and she's _also_ a princess."

"Right," Twilight nodded.

"…'Cause I heard _plenty_ of stories from Rarity about some bitch who went all dark n' mysterious and shit, and tried making eternal night. You kinda fit that description… like, a lot." Ryan said, standing. He was almost certain he'd begun to lose feeling in his legs from remaining forced to the floor for so long.

"Yes, er… well, you see dear…" Rarity began awkwardly, unsure of how to finish.

"Princess Luna _is_ Nightmare Moon," Twilight finished for her. "But she's reformed!" she added swiftly, seeing the black alicorn's head droop slightly upon discovering that absolutely nobody had forgotten her previous attempts at night eternal.

"We…" Luna started, and cleared her throat. "_I_ can never apologize enough for our actions…" she pawed the ground uncomfortably, as if trying to find the right thing to say. She bit her bottom lip unhappily, and a fleeting look of guilt passed over her equine features. And, for a single moment, Luna didn't look like the imposing and powerful figure of Nightmare Moon he'd heard so many horror stories about. She didn't look like the regal princess of an entire country. She didn't even look like an immortal being overflowing with power.

She looked like a little kid, dressing up in her parent's clothes and playing pretend.

And she looked… sad.

… _Aw, fuck no. Brain, don't you do that._

… _A little late…_

_Fuck, fuck fuck fuck no. Brain…!_

_Sorry, no can do._

_Brain, you motherfucker, don't you DARE do that to me!_

_Aaaaaaaand… there it is._

As difficult as it was, as hard as he tried (and believe me, try, he did) Ryan simply couldn't find it within himself to hate the mare.

"I understand your concerns, Lulu." Celestia said tiredly, wrapping a wing around her sister comfortingly. "… And thank you for coming to my aid so quickly."

… _What's she playin' at?_ It took Ryan a full beat to realize that Celestia was trying to help her sister save face.

"Thankfully, the… human may be more trustworthy than we had originally expected," she stated admittedly, glancing back over at Ryan. "He has been freed of Discord's malice… for now."

Ryan held back a snort. Discord had never been using him like a puppet; he'd lied to him, he'd mocked him and annoyed him. He'd give taunting clues and hints, laugh at him and watch him fail miserably as he attempted to decipher precisely what Discord was up to by speaking directly into his mind.

But at least Discord had never directly hurt him.

As a matter of fact, Discord had voiced his urgency of keeping Ryan alive and well on numerous occasions…

But why?

Discord had even gone so far as to explain so much more than Celestia, or even Twilight had ever bothered.

And Discord had never pried directly into his mind.

Unlike a certain alicorn princess…

Which looked awfully similar to her sister and _Ohhh, there's that hate._

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"Are ya' shore ya' don't wanna stay any longer, yer highness?" Applejack asked keenly, awaiting Luna's reply.

"Nay, I fear not. Our duties come before pleasure, I must admit. The night awaits." She said softly, walking out of the library's front door with her sister.

And, of course, Ryan just couldn't help but poke the sleeping metaphorical bear with a stick.

A metaphorical stick.

"Hey, wait up!" he said, waving to Celestia. "Aren'tcha gonna say somethin' romantic, like 'I'll call you later, baby' or some shit?"

"… What." Celestia deadpanned, and Luna shot a couple of odd glances between the two.

"Or, Christ, I usually smoke a cigarette or somethin' afterewards. Jesus."

"… What?"

"Hell, you could have taken me out to dinner first!"

Ryan watched with satisfaction as a light pink tinge arose in both princesses cheeks as they simultaneously arrived at a similar conclusion. However, Luna had a very, very different idea of what had transpired.

"And, hey, lard ass," he added for good measure. "… Try to remember to wear a rubber on that horn of yours the next time you _mind fuck me!_"

"Oh, dear, would you look at the time," Rarity said suddenly, gazing to an empty patch on her forehoof. "It's so very late, I simply must be going." She stalked briskly past the princesses, and swiftly took off.

Celestia looked at him wearily, but Luna seemed torn between another outburst of rage and shying away uneasily. It was a very strange look. "Er… sister, I… I had no idea that you had become quite so… _intimate_ with this particula-"

"Perish the thought, Lulu." Celestia said abruptly, but her eyes were twinkling with a jovial light. "No such thing occurred, regardless of Miller's inane insinuations."

"Besides," she added as she closed the door with a smile and deftly placed a wing over her younger sister's shoulder. "I would have _broken_ you." Celestia grinned smugly, leaving Ryan rather flabbergasted.

It was silent in the library for several moments, before Ryan exploded into loud, guffawing peals of laughter.

"Fuckin'_ bitch! Ha ha!_" he noticed Twilight and her silent friends staring at him, and he quickly stopped himself and cleared his throat. "Er-hum. Uh… well. They seemed… nice."

"… Ryan, you're an idiot."

"I get that a lot."

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All of Twilight's friends had left for the night, save for Fluttershy. Spike dozed on the couch next to Ryan, snoring softly. His tiny scaled chest rose and fell quietly, little puffs of steam occasionally escaping his nostrils.

In other words, he looked _fucking adorable_ at it took absolutely every scrap of self-control Ryan had not to grin.

"Um… Mis- I-I mean, um… Ryan," Fluttershy stuttered, nervously wishing she'd simply left with her friends. Twilight was upstairs, busy readying an impromptu schedule for the next day.

"Well, um, you see, I-I, um…"

"Spit it out." Ryan deadpanned, only serving to make her more nervous. She shrank uncomfortably, ruffling her wings. He was immediately stricken with an odd sense of guilt.

_Goddamit brain, cut that out!_

_Quit talkin' to yourself, and maybe I'll consider it._

_Get bent!_

"Christ," Ryan breathed, leaning forward and running a hand through his greasy hair. "… 'sokay, kid. If it's botherin' you that much, you don't hafta-"

"Here."

Ryan blinked, and Fluttershy dropped a small slip of faded paper into his lap.

"… Whazzis?"

"Well, I…" she cleared her throat, forcing herself to look him in the eye. "You just seemed so very unhappy when you weren't, you know… _you_," she said, looking pointedly at his chest. It was easier than looking at his beady black eyes; hard, cold and hungry. "So, um… I thought that this might… cheer you up, maybe just a little…" Fluttershy finished fretfully, pawing the floor in front of her as she hid more and more of her face behind her overflowing pink mane.

Unfolding it, Ryan discovered that it was the same photograph of his family that he'd given to Fluttershy.

He simply sat there for a moment, staring at it.

Fluttershy wondered if she'd possibly done something wrong; if maybe she'd accidentally made things worse. His eyes never left the paper for the longest time, although he slowly ran a thumb over it a couple of times.

After several awkward moments of silence (for Fluttershy, anyway) Ryan eventually raised his head from the photograph. To Fluttershy's immense relief, he didn't look quite as mean as he usually did when he looked up. Well, he still looked mean; however, his eyes had gained a quieter, gentler tone.

"… Thank you."

"Oh, um… you… you don't have to, um… don't mention it." Fluttershy said lowly.

Ryan snorted, tucking the paper into his pocket. "A'course I do. Can't go 'round lettin' you little fuckers makin' me soft, now can I?" he said with a grin, but the soft, nearly-kind tone never left his smile. "… I'll get back to 'em. Eventually." The last part he finished a bit uncertainly, and his face hardened once again.

"… So. How 'bout them mind rapin' princesses, eh?"

Ryan was expecting Fluttershy to hesitate or recoil, to draw up into her shell and just go away. Instead, she merely stared at him.

"… You don't hate them nearly as much as you'd like us to think you do." she stated bluntly, with much more courage than she really felt.

"… Bullshit," Ryan said, but it was plain to see he was still uncertain. His eyes darted back and forth, wondering when Twilight was going to _hurry the hell up and get Fluttershy out of the house._

"Oh, really?" Fluttershy continued, pressing on. "I think you're more bark than you are bite; you just don't want to let anypony get close to you."

"… What makes you say that?"

"You did seem awfully relieved when you found out Princess Celestia was going to be okay."

"Flutters," he began in a low voice.

"And you looked absolutely mortified when you thought she was hurt because of you."

"_Yellow,_" he said more loudly, abandoning his attempts to remain quiet enough to let Spike sleep.

"… I think you're scared, because you aren't certain of what's important anymore."

"_FLUTTERSHY!" _ he said loudly as he stood, whishing she'd just stop talking. He towered over her, looming frighteningly above.

"I think you're afraid of your own feelings, just as much as you are of never finding your family again."

Ryan fell silent, lips closed tightly enough together that they'd paled. After a moment, a fleeing look of sadness crossed his face, and he sat heavily next to the twitching dragon. Spike kicked one of his little legs out spasmodically.

"… I-I'm sorry," she faltered. "… I… I didn't mean – I, I just-"

"I get it." Ryan said huskily, crossing his arms. "Just 'cause I made a promise to make sure none of your friends got hurt," he said, thinking back to the incident in her cottage, "don't mean I _care_ about any of you. I care 'bout one thing, and one thing only."

He leaned forward dangerously, and his eyes darkened.

"Nothin' means more to me than my family does. _Nothing._ And if it means that I gotta go through your precious princesses to go home, then I swear to god, I'll do it. I'll burn this _whole fuckin' place to the ground _just so I can get home."

"Then why didn't you?"

She caught him off guard with her unexpected boldness. True, she looked hurt; there were tears glistening in her eyes, and her voice was shaking, but she stood her ground.

"… What?"

"Why didn't you?" she repeated more firmly. "We all saw what happened – you had Princess Celestia dead to rights. You could have just… ended her, right then and there. But you didn't."

When Ryan remained silent, she pushed further on. "But you were worried. You were worried than somepony else got hurt because of you. You aren't even close to how mean you think you are, and you aren't _half_ the monster you make yourself out to be."

"… Kid, you don't know a _goddamned thing_ about monsters." He growled deeply, fists clenching tightly as old memories resurfaced.

For all of the surprises Fluttershy had, this one probably topped them all. She walked right up to him, and for a split second, he was half-afraid she was going to hit him. Instead, she grabbed his collar and gently but firmly pulled him down to eye level.

"… You look me right in the fucking eye, and say that again."

Ryan flinched, trying to inch away from her bright blue eyes. It was like she was staring directly into his soul.

Then again, considering the fact that Celestia had all but done the exact same thing, it wasn't too different. Just more uncomfortable.

He tried to answer, but Ryan found that his voice seemed to have failed him. His mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

"Say. That. Again."

It was very strange, discovering that he honestly couldn't. Her eyes lost the hard, steely look, and Ryan silently berated himself for being intimidated by a pony. She gently released him and turned to leave, but almost whispered over her shoulder as she did so.

"Somepony once said, 'running from monsters only urges them to chase you faster'. Somepony else said 'if you fight monsters for too long, you'll become a monster, too'. It doesn't matter what you do, in the end; running away and hiding, or standing your ground." She opened the door, letting in the cool night air. Ryan could tell she was doing her absolute best to retain her composure, but she was nearly falling apart when she looked back at him. "Sometimes, no matter what you do, the monsters still win."

The lamp flickered out as she softly closed the door, leaving him sitting very, very quietly with his hands clasped tightly in his lap, next to the snoring Spike.

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Ryan sat there for what felt like an eternity, staring at the door. His mind felt almost numb.

He hated himself.

_Soft. You've already gone soft._

… _Shut up, brain._

He should have guessed, he should have known; he'd seen the look Fluttershy had given him before. The sad, pained look Tiny Tim would always give him, wondering when 'Superman' would come back to see him again.

His cousin's look when asking about their mother.

The look Tiffany gave him every single time he left early.

He couldn't _stand_ it.

The empty, forlorn look of someone who's lost all hope, and still chosen to keep fighting.

Hope was strange, in that aspect; it could unite the many, bring joy to the comfortless. It warmed the hearts of even the most war-torn veterans, enraptured the cold and alone. It was similar to friendship, in that aspect. Like kindness.

It was a _curse._

Choosing to keep that tiny, insignificant sliver of hope when all else was abandoned. It forced one to rise again, each day and face the horrors of the world anew.

And Ryan _hated_ it.

He hated it, he loathed absolutely everything about that despicable, _wretched_ thing called hope with all of his mind, body and soul.

And yet, watching the little dragon sleeping next to him, he remembered why he clung to it so very tightly.

Ryan sighed heavily, forcing the dark thoughts out of his head. It was getting late, anyway. He quietly stalked upstairs, seeing the only light in the treehouse and making directly for it. It came from Twilight's study, the soft, dim glow casting dancing shadows out into the hall. Peering around the corner, he found her drooling over a writing desk, a lightly-inked quill sitting on the table next to a half-finished letter.

A small smile played on his lips, but he pushed it away as he wordlessly picked up the sleeping mare and laid her on her bed. She grumbled a couple of times about Pinkie Pie and oatmeal, but never rose. Silently, he remembered the sleeping Spike on the couch downstairs and made the creaky trek back down.

After lifting the tiny drake in his arms (who was much heavier than he looked,) Ryan carried him up the stairs and gently tucked him into his bed before making for his own.

Spike rolled as Ryan set him down, eyes twitching as he grabbed his little blankets while he yawned quietly.

"G'night, daddy."

…

_No._

_Eeyup._

_Brain, you MOTHERFU-_

It felt like a sharp, searing pain was shooting through his left side, and he attempted to block it out. It was too late, however. He had to force his voice down to silence himself, but a small whimper of pain still escaped his lips as he walked away.

Friendship, loyalty, kindness, generosity, honesty, laughter. These were terrible things.

Hope was a terrible, terrible thing.

Love was even worse.

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	22. Ch22: Murphy's Coffee

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_Too bright._

_It was too bright for the night, all the lights from the city. Window lights, car lights, lamppost lights. They were going to get caught, Ryan knew it._

_"Keep pushin', lummox."_

_Bruno grunted at Carlos's order, giving the car a final heave and watched it roll silently down __the bank__ and into the river below. Someone would find it soon; that was the whole purpose of choosing this location._

_It wasn't like the car's inhabitant was going to complain about it anytime soon, though. Right now, he didn't have any worries whatsoever._

_Ryan was a little envious._

_"Shit," Ryan breathed. He wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, trying to keep from throwing up. He never liked killing; his only consolation was that it had been mercifully quick._

_"Now what?" Carlos asked coldly, dusting his hands as if wiping them clean of the affair. "Don't tell me you're pussin' out now."_

_"… You know how I feel about these kind of __jobs__, Carlos."_

_"I didn't ask about your goddamn 'feelings'." He retorted, the same calm expression never leaving his face as he lit another cigarette. The dim glow from the ashes burned into the night sky, lost amongst the multitude of other illuminations._

_"Let's just head back, and we can-"_

_"What, tell Vicky that we've been good little boys?" Carlos spat mockingly, brows furrowing slightly. Bruno took his usual place directly behind Carlos, awaiting further orders. His own gargantuan form made the already tall and stocky Carlos look much smaller in comparison._

_"But-but- I don't-" Ryan stuttered, confused at his sudden outburst. They'd gotten the job done, without complications and in good time._

_"But-but-but-!" Carlos mocked him cruelly, imitating a puppet with his free hand, his dark eyes glaring viciously. "What, you're saying you want to stay Vicky's little bitch a little longer? Or are you giving me reason to doubt your loyalty?_ Again?"

_He spoke calmly, as he always did. Regardless, Ryan still felt the shiver run up his spine. He'd seen exactly what happened to people who ever proved disloyal to Carlos Caesar. It wasn't pretty._

_"No, no! I'm loyal as shit!" Ryan said, holding up his hands defensively._

_Carlos snorted, pulling a slip of paper out of his pocket and glancing at it, before looking into the distance, like he could see deep into the heart of the city. He ground out the cigarette beneath his boot, and snapped his fingers once._

_"Bruno – car. We've got work to do."_

_"… Wait, what?" Ryan slipped, crossing his arms. "We got the guy," he said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder. "I thought Victor just wanted the one?"_

_"He did." Carlos responded coolly as Bruno pulled the armored SUV quietly next to them._

_"Then… why-?"_

_"I wanted to see if you were loyal."_

_Ryan's heart raced, and he clenched his fists in fury as he understood. "He- he wasn't involved?!" he hissed in anger and confusion. "He didn't have to di-"_

_Carlos crossed the distance between them like a cobra, hand flying across Ryan's face. He staggered from the blow, backing away quickly._

_"Don't – fucking – question – me – again." Carlos stated through clenched teeth, accentuating each word with another powerful backhand. Ryan dropped to one knee, trying to keep some composure. He felt a loose tooth knocking around in his mouth, and the all too familiar taste of copper came rushing back._

_"… Get up."_

_Ryan complied immediately, head down._

_"If I tell you to steal, you steal. If I tell you to kill, you kill." He grabbed Ryan by the throat, hoisting him up to a straighter posture and holding his face so that he was forced to look Carlos in the eyes. He hated looking Carlos in the eyes._

_"And when I tell you to jump, then you fucking jump, and ask 'How high, sir?' on the way up. Do I make myself clear?"_

_Ryan was silent for a moment, and spat out a tooth before nodding._

_"I can't hear you."_

_"… Yes."_

_"Yes, what?"_

_"… Yes sir."_

_"Good boy," Carlos said with a small, smug smile as he dropped him. "Now get in the car. We've got work to do."_

_Working under Carlos was a lot different than working for Victor. A lot of people liked Victor. Except for Carlos. Ryan got the feeling that Victor wouldn't be around much longer, anyway._

_That night was similar to many other nights, working for Carlos. Every time, it was the same. Ryan's only condition with Carlos was that under no circumstances were children involved. He still had some standards, and damn the consequences. The way Carlos simply stared at him when he mentioned it, though; it made him uneasy._

_Ryan hated working for Carlos._

_The Sharks would sometimes brag about their own exploits, their own runs for either Victor or Carlos, who was steadily gaining influence. Ryan would overhear them, each one trying to one-up another with their tales of how simple it was for them._

_It wasn't the first time Ryan felt envious. He wished he could be more like them; unfeeling, or excited at the prospect of bloodshed._

_It didn't matter what they said, though. He didn't agree._

_Killing never got any better. It never got any easier._

_He only got faster at it, because he got practice._

_And working under Carlos, Ryan got a LOT of practice._

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_Hail, Dawnbreaker._

Ryan snorted out of his reverie, twitching awake.

He'd fallen asleep on the couch, and it took a moment for his eyes to adjust.

It was always a problem; shifting from his dreams to his perception of this world. Occasionally, when he dreamed, he would sometimes dream in the same fashion he saw things now.

It was always darker, however.

And it just made the nightmares seem more gruesome, somehow.

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, checking out the window to find some indication of the time. It was either late at night or early morning, as the sun still hadn't risen. He grunted in displeasure, lifting himself from the little couch and stretching. After hearing a couple of satisfying cricks in his neck, he rubbed his sore muscles and breathed heavily.

It was obvious he wasn't going to be sleeping any more tonight.

That was fine by Ryan; he wasn't looking forward to any more memory-laden dreams.

That, and for some reason, he kept seeing images of that black unicorn-Pegasus thing in his dreams at random. It was a little creepy.

Maybe he'd read a couple of books lying around the library. For an entire new world, they probably had _something _worth reading, even though Ryan rarely read anything. It was more out of boredom than anything else that spurred him to light a lamp and check the shelves. A couple of soft velvet bound books, here, one with a wooden cover, and many with odd names.

_Daring Do?_

It looked like something Twilight would keep around. He grinned, thinking of introducing her to the Hardy Boys if he ever got the chance. _Aerodynamics And You! Nope._

_The Noble Dragon Code_ – it looked like something a child scribbled on.

_Elements of Harmony_ – too bland looking, forget judging a book by its cover.

He vaguely wondered what kind of book Lyra would suggest, if she ever-

"Oh, fuck!" Ryan yelped, clapping a palm loudly to his forehead. The last time he'd seen Lyra, she was with Berry Punch. He was being thrown out the door into that disturbing future vision, and never even bothered to check if she was-

_"Still in the fucking bar!" _Ryan groaned, slipping out the door and taking off down the cobblestone road as quickly as he could. The_ fwump. Fwump. Fwump_. of his large feet hitting the stone bounced off the walls of the building around him, and he quickly navigated through Ponyville toward the last place he'd seen the 8-Bits.

Unsurprisingly, it wasn't there. He promptly turned on the spot and ran toward Lyra's home, pushing himself faster and faster.

_Come on… come on…!_

Ryan nearly bowled over a short brown pony with a lanky matching mane, and an image of shrubbery on his side.

"Move, asshole!" Ryan shoved him out of the way, never slowing his pace.

"Oi, the _name's_ Roger!" he grumbled to himself, the barreling human already turning a corner. "Oh, what sad times these are, when passing ruffians can say 'asshole' at will to old ponies."

_Come on… come on come on come on!_

He'd worked up quite a sweat by the time he finally arrived at Lyra's home and skidded to a halt, and pounded heavily on the thin wooden door. His large fist slammed against it over and over again, and he shouted for emphasis.

"Lyra! Lyra, are you in there?!" he yelled against the door in panic. What if she'd become trapped in that traveling hellhole? What if she'd been trapped in that demented future vision as well?

Or worse?

_"Lyra! LYRA!"_

_"For the love of Celestia's cake-ridden beard, shut up!"_

Ryan blinked, not noticing that the door had been opened slightly. He immediately stopped pummeling the door, and found that the bottom of his fist had become red and sore from the repeated pounding.

Before him stood the same cream colored pony he'd seen around before, with the confectionary Cutie Mark.

"… Uh… Hi." Ryan said, trying not to sound stupid as he raised his hand in a half-wave.

Bon-Bon glared at him blearily, widening the door slightly. "It's three A.M. in the morning. If you don't have a good reason for trying to take our new door of its hinges, I'm going to _bucking murder your face off."_

Ryan tapped his forefingers together nervously, before shaking the feeling off. He wasn't going to be intimidated by her – he refused to be. She couldn't be half as vicious as the demon-rabbit.

"I-I never – I mean, I just…"

"Spit it out!"

"Is Lyra okay?" he spluttered, clenching and unclenching his hands as he stuck them in his pockets.

Bon-Bon stared at him for a moment, making up her mind. Eventually, she sighed and opened the door enough to allow Ryan entry. "… I couldn't sleep, anyway. Get it. I'll put some coffee on."

Ryan exhaled through his nostrils, realizing that he'd been holding his breath.

"You didn't answer my question," he said pointedly, but Bon-Bon hushed him as he closed the door behind him. She jabbed a hoof at the living room, and he found a drunken Lyra dozing happily on the sofa, one back leg dangling off it and brushing the floor. She twitched occasionally, muttering something in her sleep.

It took all of his strength not to smile at the sight.

He did, however, let out a sigh of relief upon seeing her alive and well. Bon-Bon motioned for him to sit at the kitchen table with her, and after a few minutes of awkward silence, the earth pony poured them each a small cup of hot coffee. Her bright pink and dark blue curly mane covered her face mostly, until she brushed it agitatedly out of the way and focused on her drink.

It was nearly three full cups of coffee that they'd each gone through before Bon-Bon finally spoke.

"You picked a fine time to check up on Lyra."

"I was… uh… preoccupied." Ryan sighed heavily, his dirty fingernails clacking annoyingly against the wooden table.

"… You left her."

"Yeah, but-"

"_Drunk_. On her own."

"Wasn't Berry with her?" Ryan asked suddenly, trying desperately not to feel guilty about abandoning his friend.

_Seriously, when the fuck did I get this guilt reflex?_

_…_

_Or friends?_

"Oh, yeah. Like _that _was helpful," Bon-Bon snorted, glaring at the human from across the table. "They showed up on my doorstep, Lyra's drunk off her flank. And Berry's _not_, which is shocking enough in itself. She seemed surprised, too, now that I think about it…" she trailed off, placing a hoof on her chin. "She was nearly hysterical. Said some ugly hairless chimp had slapped her rear on the way out of a bar, and then she wasn't drunk anymore."

Ryan paused, thinking to the other strange human he'd seen in the 8-Bits. Come to think of it, in all the confusion, Ryan had merely chalked up his sudden lack of drunkenness to being tossed into that dark future. It would seem that anyone who came into contact with that other human had the alcohol sucked out of them, or something like that. The thought made him shudder; horrifying images of an alcohol vampire, draining delicious booze from innocent revelers.

"She's drunk now, though. I know, because she came back."

"Well, that doesn't seem so-"

"And then she threw up on me."

"Oh," Ryan said simply, not certain of how to reply.

It was quiet in the house for quite a while, with Bon-Bon silently fuming and Ryan unsure of how to avoid making things worse. So, instead of talking to her, he just sat and listened to the crickets chirping outside.

If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend he was home again.

After another stretch of silence, Ryan said "… Look. I know… I know you and Lyra are close-"

"Well, then you don't know very much." Bon-Bon muttered.

"_Bitch, I saw the hoofcuffs._" He had to stop himself from saying 'handcuffs', and watched a slow blush rise in the mare's face.

"Our own personal affairs are none of your business," she stated sharply, glaring at him.

Ryan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. The scent of the coffee drifted warmly up to his nostrils, cut off by his fingers.

"… Look. Just… I don't wanna fight." He gazed over to the sleeping mint colored unicorn on the sofa, snoring softly. She giggled something in her sleep, and her hoof twitched.

Bon-Bon tried to ignore his smile, but it only served to make her angrier.

And yet, something about the way he spoke…

"… She won't stop talking about you."

"Whuzzat?" Ryan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"All the time, she talks about you." Bon-Bon looked at him with a mixture of cold loathing and… a little sadness. "Every time I talk to her, it's like we're not even _talking _anymore. It's just hours of me listening to Lyra drone on about how _amazing _humans are, how much hope she has for – how much she –"

Bon-Bon seemed to have a little difficulty speaking. Before, Ryan might have chalked it up to trying to drink too much coffee at once, but by this point he knew better.

_… Why can't I ever meet women who don't get jealous?_

"… You're kiddin' me, right?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and relaxing with the cup of coffe.

"… Sorry?"

Ryan snorted, taking a drink. "Now you know how I feel."

"What do you mean?"

"Christ, if I didn't know any better, I'd say her n' Pinks are related or somethin'." Ryan claimed, looking Bon-Bon dead in the eye and hoping she had a poor sense of judgement.

"I mean, whenever we're hangin', she never shuts up about you." It wasn't entirely false; Lyra _did _talk about Bon-Bon almost every day. "All the time, it's 'Bon-Bon this' and 'Bon-Bon that'. How long you've been together, how you're her only real friend – how much she trusts you, how you met. You have _no idea_ how much you mean to her, do you?"

Bon-Bon's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. Meaning that Ryan must have been correct on some level, he hoped.

"… I know what you're goin' through." He said, leaning forward and propping himself up on the table with his elbows. The pony cocked an eyebrow slightly, and blinked.

"… I'm _pretty sure_ I know what you're goin' through."

Bon-Bon's eyebrow raised slightly higher.

_"… Bitch, I'm tryin' ta' sympathize!" _

She smirked, taking a calm drink of her own slowly cooling coffee. "I'll take your word for it."

After a few minutes of silence, Lyra snorted in her sleep. Something about hands, or some such nonsense. They'd been talking for so long that the sun was beginning to peek up over the horizon, and Ryan could hear the soft chirp of birds. He was starting to regret not going back to sleep when he had the chance, but the sooner he got this over with, the better.

"So, uh…" Ryan cleared his throat, pouring himself and Bon-Bon more coffee. "… I made sure you n' me both know I ain't makin' any moves towards Lyra. 'Kay?"

She blinked, but nodded.

"And it's creepy you got jealous in the first place-"

"I do _not _act out of jealousy!" Ryan ignored her, continuing.

"-considering the fact that, under no circumstances fuckin' _ever_, will I swing that way."

Bon-Bon stared at him for a moment, and then placed a comforting hoof on his hand.

"Oh… oh, _honey_… I-I'm so sorry…" she said tearfully. "I, of all ponies, should have known right from the start."

"Damn straight, you sh-"

"I had no _idea _you were gay."

"-ould hav- wait, _what?"_

Ryan balked at her, eyebrows furrowing angrily as his face resumed its usual scowl. "I'm not gay!"

"… Sure you're not, honey."

"Hey, fuck you, horse!"

"Pony."

"_Whatever_! I'm not gay! I'll fuck you right now! I mean, _I won't!_" he insisted, slamming his coffee down on the table loudly. "I _meant, _I stick ta' my own species! Jesus H. Christ!"

"Sure you do, honey, _sure _you do." Bon-Bon agreed with him blandly, which did not help the situation in the slightest. Ryan felt a flush rising in his cheeks, and he tried to force his rage to subside. He'd gone through all the trouble of working things out with the mare; it wouldn't do to go screwing up now.

Bon-Bon was thoughtful for a moment, and then said "Although that would explain a lot for the rumors about you and Rarity."

"_What rum_ – oh." Ryan facepalmed, thinking back. Rarity had mentioned something about her younger sister spreading something about it. He made a mental note to kick her as hard as he could the next time he saw the little brat.

"Look, that wasn't nothin'," Ryan explained. "I probably shouldn't have told her sister she was bein' violated. I mean, that's what Flutters said. No, I mean, she was _there_, she just wasn't - I was just naked. I mean, Rarity was there, an' I – what I mean is, _Rarity _was naked. I mean, she's _always _naked, it's just that I was naked, _too_, and – _stop fuckin' laughing!"_

Bon-Bon was giggling hysterically, shoving her hoof into her mouth trying to stop the onslaught of chuckles as tears streamed down her muzzle.

It wasn't helping.

She was gasping for breath, chest heaving as she strained to contain her laughter. Ryan merely glared at her, crossing his arms grumpily across his chest.

"What I mean, is… fuck, I don't know what I mean. _Why is that funny?!"_

Ryan watched with a silent groan as Bon-Bon fell back into a fit of roaring laughter, pounding her hoof on the table.

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The sun had risen by the time Bon-Bon had finished her laughing fit, and she was still having difficulty banishing her bountiful amounts of snickers. Ryan's found small comfort in finding that she was no longer furious or suspicious of him.

Although this wasn't much better.

"Izzat your sister or something?" he asked suddenly, hoping to change the subject quickly. His eyes flicked up to a small, wooden framed picture of a light grey earth pony with a long, straight black mane. Her eyes matched, and even from the picture alone they seemed… deep, somehow. It showed her carefully resting against a stringed instrument, which Ryan was pleased to recognize as a cello.

"Hm? Oh, Celestia, no. Octavia and Lyra went to the academy together; Lyra practically _worships _her. But, uh, don't go letting Celestia hear that," Bon-Bon replied with a conspiratorial wink.

"Why would lard ass care 'bout who Lyra worships?" Ryan asked, evidently confused.

"… What?"

"Uh, Celestia. I've just been callin' her 'lard ass'."

"No, I mean… Wow. Just… _wow_." Bon-Bon breathed, eyes widening slightly as she reclined in her chair. "… Just how much do you even _know _about Princess Celestia?"

"She's got an adopted black sister with a freaky dominatrix fetish."

Bon-Bon looked torn between horror and amusement. If that was supposed to be a joke, then he had an even sicker sense of humor than Lyra did.

"… What?" Ryan blurted angrily. "She does! Have you _seen _the bitch with the black leather?"

Bon-Bon pinched the bridge of her nose with her hoof and let out a deep, drawn out sigh.

"… Twilight was right, you are an idiot."

"I get that a lot."

"Bluth flurg blurgle fmmmnurgle fur." Ryan glanced up, seeing a half-awake Lyra slowly bumbling into the kitchen. Her mane was out of place, hair sticking up in odd places where she'd slept on it. Her eyes were nearly completely closed, and she stumbled in blearily.

And promptly smacked her face on the edge of the table.

"Burlap snorkles," she groaned, shaking the sleep from her eyes. Lyra promptly regretted this, clutching her head tenderly. "Ooh – oh, _oh ow_. Sweet bucking Celestia, _kill me."_

Ryan snorted, kicking his feet up on the small table in front of Bon-Bon. Seeing the glare she was giving him, he promptly dropped them back to the ground.

_… Wait, why did I do that?_

_'Cause she's likely to kill you if you tried that shit again._

_Shut up, brain! I didn't ask you!_

"Oh-ho, Celestia's not going to help you now, hon." Bon-Bon grinned as Lyra fumbled about for the coffee, moaning from her hangover.

"Here," Ryan said, helping her with it.

"What are you, stupid?" Bon-Bon interrupted. "She's got a hangover – hydration first, then caffeine."

"Yeah," Lyra slurred blearily. "What're ya', shtup- _Ryan!_" she gasped, dropping the coffee mug. It shattered on the floor, and she flinched at the noise. Her horn glowed even more brightly than her cheeks, and she quickly swept up the pieces as Ryan helped. "… What are you doing?"

"… 'The fuck does it look like I'm doin'?" Ryan responded with a deadpan. "I'm sitting. I do that a lot."

Bon-Bon snorted into her coffee, and if he heard the small '_I'll bet_,' he didn't show it.

"That's not – I mean – I just-" she sputtered groggily, trying to fight through the hangover haze. "… Did you _carry _me here?"

"Nah, that was B-," Ryan answered flippantly before catching himself. "… yes." He finished slowly, giving a quick, hidden wink to Bon-Bon. "… I _carried _you here. Right, Bonny?"

Unsure of what he was up to, she deliberately nodded as she tried to keep a grin off of her face.

"See? You're _welcome_."

"Um… thank you, I guess." Lyra responded with a small blush, pouring her own coffee. "Did… did I miss something?" she asked curiously, looking between the two. Bon-Bon took a deep drink from her mug, properly steeling herself for whatever Ryan was planning.

It is a commonly known law that anytime a spit-take takes place, it should never be used inappropriately or more than once, lest it become a running gag. However, it would appear that for anyone living within the same universe as Ryan Miller, everyone suffered from the same mysterious symptoms of the combined coffee related spit-take and Murphy's Law. Murphy's Law states that anytime something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Ergo, the strange birth of '_Murphy Likes It Black_', where one suffers from something going wrong any and every time they try drinking coffee. Hence the reason Starbucks would never succeed in Equestria, but that's a story for another day.

"Nah, not much. Bonny an' me just had a threesome with your unconscious body."

_"Again?!"_

Bon-Bon's coffee spewed with such fantastical force that it nearly knocked him directly out of his chair.

Perhaps Lyra _did _have a sicker sense of humor than Ryan did.

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Ryan glared at the reflection in the lake's water, as if it were somehow it's fault.

_What happened to you, man?_

The still water revealed the image of Ryan, greasy slicked back hair and lightly tanned skin. His hooked nose jutted out sharply from his angry looking face, and his beady black eyes stared unblinkingly back at him. He tried to look meaner; deepening his scowl and furrowing his brows to a point, and bared his teeth.

It didn't have quite the effect he hoped it would.

Ryan sighed, and sank to his knees in the sand.

_Soft. That's what happened. You've gone soft._

There was a time when he'd have laughed at his present self; how weak he seemed in comparison. The entire time he'd been in Equestria, he'd barely caused any havoc at all.

And that was _with _the god of chaos hitching a ride in his head.

_… I'll bounce back. Sharks swim in circles_, he thought to himself. … _An' other metaphorical shit._

Peering about, he found that he was alone at the lake. This early in the morning, he might have expected fishermen or something (fisherponies?) but the area seemed to be devoid of life. Since he didn't particularly savor the thought of trekking back to the library just to wash off the rest of the coffee (and he certainly wasn't going back to Lyra's with Bon-Bon still laughing at him) he shrugged his shirt off that Rarity had crafted for him. After peeling off his clothes and slipping quietly into the lake, he relaxed his muscles and slowly closed his eyes, letting the cool water lap against him.

_Look out, Shark in the water_, he thought with a grin, slowing his breathing and emptying his head of all thoughts. Push away the problems, just try to relax; he'd never been any good at that. Any time he tried, another one always seemed to take its place…

_No. Gotta relax._ He forced himself to quiet his thoughts, and only wound up clenching his muscles even tighter.

_… Fuck._

He sighed, drifting about with his eyes closed. He vaguely wondered if this lake had anything dangerous in it, before pushing that thought off, too. The only thing that would make this place any more dangerous was more Pinkie Pie.

"Hiya, Rye-pye! Why're you naked?"

Ryan thrashed around, instantly sinking beneath the crystal surface of the lake. Water flooded into his nose, and he resurfaced with a loud splash and much surprised gasping and coughing.

"Pinkie!" he yelled, reaching for his pants. Unfortunately, he discovered that he'd drifted quite a bit further from the shore than he'd previously suspected. "What the _hell_, man?!" Pinkie stood on the sandy shore, bouncing happily.

"Pony."

"Whatever!" he did his best to get back to his clothing, which Pinkie Pie gladly tossed to him. "Why'd you shout at me?" he growled, turning away from her and putting his (now a little wet) clothing on self-consciously. He noticed that, as well; since winding up in Equestria, that seemed to be a problem. He just felt less comfortable about being without clothes around them. In hindsight, it was probably Rarity's fault. And if it wasn't, he was going to continue blaming Rarity.

"Well, you looked kind of agitated. You look like that a lot when you're sleeping!" she chirruped, hopping excitedly back and forth between her left and right hooves. "Don'tcha know the lake is a _terrible _napping spot? I mean, unless you're a turtle. Or a fish. Ooh! Ooh! Or – or a sea serpent! In that case, the lake's a _great _napping spot!"

Ryan groaned under his breath, slipping his shirt over his scarred abdomen. As it covered the final portion of the large inked shark's maw on his back, a thought occurred to him.

"... Hang on…" he said, clambering out of the lake. "… You said I look agitated when I'm sleeping."

"Yuppie-duppie-guppie!"

"You said I look like that a lot when I'm sleeping."

"Bingo! Right on the nose!" she replied cheerfully.

"… Pinkie,_ just how often do you watch me sleep?"_

"Every night, silly filly!"

Ryan's face grew a little pale, and he stared at her. "… Dude," and his voice came out in nearly a whisper. "that is _fucked up_."

Then again, he did have the rare occurrence where he thought he spotted a flash of pink in the corner of his eye, only to find nothing there. She had to be some kind of super spy, or something.

He made a mental note to make sure to never mess with Pinkie Pie. She could have killed him a dozen times over by now, if she wanted to.

"I don't see what you're so upset about," she said, completely unaware of the fact that Ryan was slowly backing away from her. "I've been doing it for quite a while. I thought you were cool with it."

_"Obviously fucking not!" _he said, and his voice came out in a couple pitches higher than he expected it to.

_So~oft,_ the little voice whispered in the back of his head.

_Shut up, brain!_

_You know, it's not healthy to talk to yourself. I mean, it was different with Discord – at least you had an excuse for sounding crazy._

_Shut up, brain!_

_Man, you talk to yourself a lot when you're scared._

_I do not talk to myself!_

_… I rest my case._

_Shut up, brain!_

He cleared his throat, balling his fists up and thrusting them into his pockets. Which was slightly more difficult than it was before, considering the fact that his pants were now wet.

… From the lake. Of course.

"Look, Pinks, I gotta go." He said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder and trying to deepen his voice and restore some feeling of manliness. "I, uh…" he was glad he'd already gotten wet; Ryan wouldn't feel too happy about Pinkie knowing he was sweating like a guilty prostitute in a confessional.

"Errands to run?" she finished sweetly for him.

"Yeah, yeah." He nodded, mentally kicking himself simultaneously. "For, uh…"

"Rarity?"

"Yes," he snapped his fingers immediately. "Rarity."

"Can I help?" she asked, sidling up next to him.

"No!" he shouted, lurching away quickly. "I-I mean, it's something she trusted me and me only with," he lied, seeing the hurt expression on her face. "Very important. Should have done it a long time ago, actually."

"Really?" she asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Yeah, really," he said with a bit more enthusiasm. "I gotta go kick the shit out of her sist – I mean,_ teach her the importance of being careful about gossip and rumors. Yeah."_

Pinkie blinked at him disbelievingly, but didn't follow when he walked away. Her eyes followed him the entire way, though.

"… Ryan?" she called after him, and looking over his shoulder, he saw that her hair had… deflated slightly. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she looked a little melancholy.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to find Sweetie Belle?" Pinkie asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, I'm goin' ta' find Sugar Ball, or whatever."

"Er… the school's that way."

"… I knew that." He said, turning and stomping in the other direction. He wasn't sure which was stranger; the fact that ponies even had schools, or that the odd guilt reflex thing seemed to be acting up again.

_Damn thing's probably faulty._

_Or maybe you have brain damage._

_Shut up, brain!_

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Ryan had mostly dried by the time he found the school.

It looked like a stereotypical schoolhouse; small, wooden building with a rolling green field, a small playground next to it. He bumbled through the bushes, stomping directly toward it.

He still wasn't quite certain how he was going to handle the situation with Sweetie Belle and the rumors she seemed to be spreading. Then again, this was technically a kid he was talking about. He could probably just walk right in, confront the teachers and demand they strap the kid to the wall with tape and have everyone throw chalk at her head. Probably.

… He hadn't completely thought this plan out, but it felt right in his head.

_Bra~ain dama~ge!_

His scowl deepened, and Ryan drew closer to the building and found a multitude of the fillies running about, screaming and playing.

Ryan _hated _children. Couldn't really remember much why, though.

Almost as much as he hated unicorns.

He hated unicorn children even more.

Since most of them seemed to be outside, he quietly shuffled behind a large tree and slipped up next to it. The rough bark pressed against his skin, and he quickly spotted Rarity's younger sister with two other fillies.

Past the nearby fence, Ryan could hear a couple of them in front of one of the other fillies, which he recognized as Orange's sister.

_What was her name again? Junior, or something?_

_Appleblossom. That was it._

"See you at my cute-ceañera, blank flank!" the pink one with the light purple and white-striped mane called out over her shoulder as she trotted away with her grey friend, this one with a light grey mane in a ponytail.

_Heh. Ponytail. I get it._

Why Appleblossom looked so upset, he couldn't fathom. Unless they were talking to her… she did have a blank spot where other ponies had cutie marks. Even the two in front of her had the marks; one with a silver spoon, and the other with a diamond tiara.

Meaning that they probably had some kind of stupid name that went along with it.

Over time, Ryan had sort of grown to like the orange cowpony; at least, more than he did Skittles. He mentally shrugged, figuring that it couldn't hurt to help out one kid since he was on his way to potentially ruin the day of another.

"Bump, bump, sugar lump rump!" the pair rhymed in a disgustingly practiced fashion, giggling as they did so. Ryan chose this moment to step out from behind the tree, leaning on one elbow against the fence and growling as menacingly as he could.

"Ooga-booga-boo."

_See? I can do it, too. Ooh! Even that rhymed!_

_… Shut up, brain._

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon shrieked in terror, high pitched voices tearing into Ryan's eardrums like a couple of needles. He resisted the urge to plug his ears, instead doing his best to look tall and mean. He even slumped forward slightly, giving his face a shadowed, sharp look.

Apple-short-filly kid's face lit up when he did so, her grin growing wider at the fillies' alarm. Ryan did his best not to smirk as well, watching them back away from him fearfully.

"Ya' know," Ryan said conversationally. "the last time I saw a couple of dumb bitches slappin' their asses together, I was actually _glad _to see 'em. Sorry – all outta dollar bills." He held up his hands, shrugging.

Silver Spoon was the first to collect herself, Diamond Tiara looking angry for not doing it first.

"What do _you _want?" she spat accusingly, stepping forward. "Shouldn't you have gone back with the _rest _of the monkeys by now?"

_… Ohhhhh, now I remember why I hate kids._

Ryan resisted the (understandably) insane urge to pull the (slightly damp) lighter out of his pocket and light the (very obnoxious) little filly on fire.

He forced himself to widen his mouth into a friendly smile, which only came out as an evil looking leer. Tiara looked like she wanted to say something, but her mouth only opened and closed. "I'm just here to see a kid. Right, Appleblossom?"

"Applebloom," she deadpanned.

"Whatever."

_"Stranger danger!"_

"God_dammit."_

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**Author's Note:**

Coffee - both a life saving liquid and lethal plot device.


	23. Ch23: Burning Down The Schoolhouse

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Dim beams of light filtered down through the forest leaves, dancing across the ground.

Deep within the shadows, something hungry stirred.

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"Ooga-booga-boo."

Sweetie Belle shrieked in surprise, leaping away from the towering human in shock.

_That is never going to_ not _be funny._

"Will you_ cut that out already?_" the filly's schoolteacher snapped at Ryan agitatedly, stamping a light violet hoof against the ground. Her bright green eyes shot daggers at the greasy human, who merely leered back at her.

"Hey, believe me, Chipper," Ryan said conversationally, "nothin' would bring me greater pleasure than ta' cut the little fuckers."

_"That's not what I said!"_

His grin only grew wider at her frustration. Her eyes darted nervously back and forth, and Ryan could see that she was clearly uneasy about allowing him anywhere near her precious students. And for good reason; he wasn't necessarily a good influence on them.

"Yeah, that's not what she fuckin' said!" Applebloom chirped angrily, stepping protectively in front of Sweetie Belle. Ryan blanched, the grin slowly fading off of his face. Somehow, the thought of Applebloom swearing at people just seemed… wrong.

"Hey, watch your fuckin' language," Ryan grumbled, leveling a finger at her.

"Well, that makes you a hippopotamus!"

"Hypocrite," Sweetie Belle interjected politely.

"Let's… let's quiet down, please, we have a very important lesson to get to…" Cheerilee said adamantly, stepping between them. "You can resolve your issues with Sweetie Belle and her sister after class."

"Yeah!" Applebloom agreed. Apparently, she believed she was at least a little intimidating. "_After _class-!"

"Christ, _here_." Ryan seethed, thrusting his fist into his pocket and handing her the first thing he found to shut her up.

She stared at it as he dropped the small silver box into her hooves, eyeing the glint and shine it produced in the light.

"What is it?"

"A lighter," Ryan said, waving her off. "Now go knock yourself out."

"With what?"

"The lighter."

Ryan turned back to Sweetie Belle, who was standing boldly in front of her schoolteacher. "If it's really so important, why don't you go bother Rarity about it?" she asked snidely, not moving.

"Well, 'cause it ain't Rarity I got a problem with. _This _little shit," Ryan said to Cheerilee, "has been spreadin' some kinda rumor around. I kinda figured that her sister woulda taken care of it by now, but apparently, it ain't done no good."

Cheerilee stared at him, and Ryan wasn't certain if she was going to speak or not. Eventually, she started slowly "That statement… was… I don't even… _where did you go to school?_" she asked desperately.

"Uh, I dropped out."

_"I can tell."_

Ryan politely responded by flipping her off.

"Look," Ryan said, deadpanning. "just… see, folks are startin' to get the wrong ideas 'bout me n' your sister." He crossed his arms across his chest, glaring at the little filly. "An' you spreadin' rumors ain't helpin' any."

"I haven't been spreading any rumors," Sweetie Belle stated innocently. "… Honest!" she held up a little hoof, as if trying to display her guiltlessness.

"Yeah, and your lard-ass princess hasn't been eating too much cake."

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Princess Celestia sneezed.

"Frosting stuck in your nose once again, sister?" Luna stepped gaily beside her elder sister, gazing happily down at Canterlot from the high tower window.

"Hardly, Lulu," Celestia said with a small grin, basking in the sun's warm rays. "What brings you so late – or, early, I should say?"

Princess Luna sighed heavily, and she looked downtrodden. "We have been finding sleep elusive as a drunken satyr, as it dances away when we try to catch it."

Even Celestia was a little surprised, but she didn't show it. Her serene features settled kindly across her face, and she listened patiently as she waited for her sister to continue. When she remained silent, however, Celestia spoke.

"… Precisely what is it that prevents you from sleeping? I never did care for the royal bedding too much; a little scratchy, and in all the wrong –"

"The human."

Celestia's lips pursed, and she stood very still.

"… If it would allow you to rest easier, knowing that he were to be transported ahead of schedule to the palace, then-"

"_No!_" Luna abruptly cut her sister off, and hung her head shamefacedly when she saw Celestia's confused look. The ruler of the night looked to be torn between something, and she fidgeted ceaselessly.

Eventually, Celestia gave a heavy sigh of her own and placed a comforting white wing over her sister.

"… Come. Walk with me."

They traveled slowly throughout the royal palace, whitewashed and gleaming floors shining as splendidly as the magnificent and towering pillars. The soft but steady clop of their hooves made little noise as they walked, passing several royal guards. Each one stood firmly at attention at their passing, and Celestia gave them each a warm smile and a little nod. To Luna, however, they seemed a little uncomfortable.

"I don't understand," Luna said carefully after a while. They'd finally begun walking outside, and the garden around them danced lightly in the breeze. Small roses and brilliant tulips, begonias and petunias of every size. "I have walked amongst his dreams…" she said slowly, nearly lost in thought.

"And what have you learned?" Celestia asked patiently, carefully inspecting a large bush of flowers.

"His… dreams, if you can call them that…" Luna muttered darkly, "are usually of a blurred perspective. It's almost as if he fails to grasp the concept of reality." When Celestia remained silent, she continued. "I have seen his very soul, Celestia. The things I have seen there, I… they-I-I…"

The large, comforting white wing gently fell across Luna's shoulders once more, and Celestia pulled her close. "I know, Luna. I know," she crooned softly.

"_Horrible _things, Celestia. In all my years, I truly believed that I had seen everything. But this… this-this _thing_," she growled, and her muscles tightened as she was torn between anger and grief. "… He is a _monster_, sister."

"True, he may not be the most _trustworthy _being I have ever met." Celestia said admittedly. Luna gazed back at her, and said "Then… why?"

"Hm?"

"_Why?_" Luna asked again, pulling away from her sister's embrace. "You have seen his mind as well, have you not? You claimed that you touched his very soul, and doing so nearly cost you your _life!_" she stamped her hoof, and ruffled her feathers angrily. To her agitation, Celestia merely chuckled.

"Oh, that," she giggled. "Miller actually has very, very little power on his own. He simply redirected a sliver of my own and, well… I haven't actually seen anypony do that trick since Sombra. I didn't expect it, is all."

"Belay that, sister!" Luna raised her voice, "Power or no, he is _still _a monster!"

"… You very well may be correct." Celestia said simply, sitting down and sighing again. The serene features never left her face, however.

"Then-then-but- _why?_" her sister asked pleadingly. "You know what he is; why did you not _end him_ when you had a chance? Why do you continue to show faith in this beast?"

For a long, long moment, Celestia was very quiet.

"For the very same reason I had faith in _you_, dear sister."

Luna seemed taken aback, and the anger gradually slipped away from her. It left her feeling tired, and more than a little sad. Celestia beckoned her forward once again with a wing extended, and Luna nestled close to her.

"… Explain to me your reasoning."

Celestia blinked, and said "True, both his mind and soul are corrupted. I originally scoured both for Discord; and, I had hoped that it was merely Discord's influence that had caused it. However, there is darkness deep within him. Hatred, loathing, anger, fear…" she trailed off, and a sad look came into her eyes. She took a slow breath, and the sides of her lips slowly turned up.

"But there is more than that. Joy, laughter, care, love; these things dwell within him as well. Deep down… very, _very _deep down, but there they remain. And even though it would appear as if there is no hope to be had for the creature, surely you have seen it, too."

Luna cocked a questioning eyebrow, awaiting an answer.

"_A spark_. I sensed it buried deep within. A spark, a tiny, nearly insignificant shard of hope; but it is there. The touch of magic is evident. I now wonder if my student was aware of this from the beginning…"

_That might help explain why she was so adamant in her proposal to show kindness toward him._

"Or Discord…" Luna added uncomfortably, old memories of the fiend's wrath still fresh in her mind.

"Or Discord," Celestia agreed. "Which only raises another question, one that I have no answer to. But that will have to wait for later, dear sister. You should get some rest before the rise of night, should you not?"

Luna grumbled, but nodded. As she flew off, Celestia wondered if she had made the right decision in not telling her sister. Of course, that didn't mean the question stopped burning within her with a fire like the sun.

If neither the human nor Discord were responsible for his arrival in Equestria, then who was?

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"And I hope you've learned a very important lesson about the dangers of gossip. It can – _are you drooling?"_

Ryan had, indeed, begun drooling.

In his defense, it was because the more Cheerilee talked to Sweetie Belle, the more comfortable he found the tree he was currently leaning against.

"… Uh… no?"

Cheerilee muttered something that certainly wasn't meant to be said around filly's ears, and Sweetie Belle spoke.

"I-I'm sorry if I caused anypony trouble… I won't do it again…" she squeaked uncomfortably, standing fretfully before her schoolteacher.

"I don't think it's me you should be apologizing to," Cheerilee said with a small and forgiving smile. "I imagine your sister would be much more interested in that, along with… Ryan, was it?"

Ryan, who was busy picking at his ear, immediately stopped and stared at her. "… What?"

"I thought you wanted the issue resolved?" the schoolteacher stamped her hoof angrily.

"Oh, dude. Fuck that," Ryan said, waving her off. "I don't give a shit if she's gossipin' or not, so long as it's not about _me_. 'Sides, I think she's suffered enough. Christ, how come your butt-mark wasn't a windbag?"

Cheerilee looked ready to kick him in the head, which he probably would have deserved.

_"Fire! Fire!"_

Cheerilee's ears perked up in shock, and even Ryan stood up straight.

"Children, all together now, counting students!" she shouted rapidly, gathering all of them together from the schoolyard. A pillar of flame shot up directly from the center, and thick plumes of smoke broiled out through the windows. Ryan was a little impressed over how quickly the schoolteacher had assessed the situation and assumed control, doing her best to take care of her students.

That, and Ryan was feeling very uncomfortable, suddenly remembering that he gave a certain Zippo lighter to one of the little fillies. Appleblossom, or something. He regretted not giving her a nickname to more easily remember her by, but right now, that was the least of his worries. So long as he could slip away quietly…

_"Applebloom? Where's Applebloom?"_

_"Help! Somepony, help!"_

_… Aw, buck me with a shovel._

_… Fuck. I meant to say, fuck._

"HELP!"

"GODDAMIT!" Ryan yelled, pushing past the schoolteacher and the students.

"Snips, Snails!" Cheerilee barked, trotting quickly after the lumbering human. "Fire department, now! Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara – double check headcounts, now!" she sped after Ryan, the two of them quickly coming up to the quickly burning wooden schoolhouse, cries of help drifting out.

"Door – where's the fuckin' door!?" Ryan yelled, the roaring flames shattering one of the windows and he spotted a wooden beam cracking under its own weight.

"To your left!" Cheerilee said over the noise. She worriedly ran after him, and Ryan grabbed the door handle. He quickly jerked his hand back, swearing loudly at the burn from the metal handle.

"Fuck!"

_"Somepony, help!"_

"Christ, I heard ya' the first time!" Ryan yelled in panic. He motioned for Cheerilee to back away, and he ran at the door and slammed into it as hard as he could. His shoulder slammed against the wooden panels, and he heard a slight cracking.

_… Ooh, that hurt. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck that hurt. Again!_

Ryan slammed into the door over and over, accentuating each slam with angry screams. "Why-won't-this-fucking-thing-just-_open!_" With a final, crashing blow, the wooden door was ripped off its hinges, and the surge of heat and flame nearly bowled him over.

"Help!_ Help!"_

_Nice going, 'Superman'…_

"_Hang on, I'm comin'!_" Ryan yelled back, covering his face with one arm. The flames licked around him as he charged inside, head whipping around for the filly. "Appleblossom, is that you?"

"Hel- _Yes! Yes, it's Appleblossom!"_ the little filly squeaked excitedly, poking her head up from the center of the room. Oddly enough, there was a large and completely unmarred perfect circle in which she stood, looking as if it had never been burned at all. She motioned for him to help her, frantically reaching out for him without leaving the circle.

"Hang on, I'll save you!" Ryan said through the smoke as it burned its way into his lungs, and he desperately tried not to hack and cough. It stung his eyes, and he tried not to wipe them as he slowly drew closer. He carefully made his way around the stacked and flaming desks, and the filly smiled happily as he came closer. Several chunks of burning wood fell from the ceiling, clattering to the ground around him.

_"Ryan, are you in there?"_

His head whipped around, seeing the violet coat of Twilight Sparkle charging directly for him.

"Get outta here, Purple!" he choked out, but Twilight didn't slow down. "The whole place is comin' down!"

Twilight slammed into him with as much force as she could muster, propelling them both into a section of the wall that wasn't currently burning. Ryan, a little dazed, shoved her off as he shouted. "Kid, what the _fuck_-!" it was then that he saw the large, blazing overhead beam come crashing down onto the exact spot that he'd been only a moment ago, blistering the floor with a shower of sparks and flame.

The little filly was nowhere to be seen.

"Shit!" Ryan screamed in fear, and he felt sick to his stomach. She was dead – she was _dead_, and it was all his fault…!

_Just like old times, eh?_

"Appleblossom! We gotta find her, quick…!" Ryan started forward, pushing the obviously crazed unicorn out of the way. She grabbed his singed sleeve with her teeth, shaking violently.

"Ryan, no! Her name is _Applebloom_, and-"

"And she's gonna be _dead _if we don't get her the _fuck _outta here!" he yelled, a pillar of flame rippling unnaturally quickly down the wall behind them as Ryan started toward the last place he'd seen the filly.

"She's outside!" Twilight shrieked at him. "Applebloom is the one who ran to get me! She's been outside _the whole time!"_

_That _got his attention.

"… Wait, what?"

And that's when the changeling struck.

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Ryan had been in a lot of fights.

Most of which, Ryan strived to win. If he wasn't going to win a fight, then he was going to run away from one. There were quite a few instances in which Ryan had no option of fleeing, and every time one of them occurred, he gained a new scar from it.

Ryan had a lot of scars.

The shining black carapace rammed directly into his side with much more force than even Twilight could manage, and he went spiraling with the changeling directly into a stack of burning desks. He could hear Twilight shouting something, but he couldn't hear what. Ryan quickly lost sight of her in the smoke, and the buzzing, insect like wings of the changeling whirred violently in his ears.

Ryan grabbed its head with both hands, watching in horror as its mouth widened with impossible speed, revealing a row of sharp fangs. It hissed in anger as he held it at arm's length, and it flapped it's wings rapidly. Had Ryan been paying closer attention, he might have avoided getting the multiple sharp nicks from its wings along his forearms. The blood mingled with the soot and burns, and he let out a cry of pain as he dropped the changeling.

The black beast's bright green eyes flared as it charged again, bashing into his stomach with glee. He was ready for it this time, however. Doing his best to ignore the pain, he snatched its wings by the bases and lifted his kneecap with alarming swiftness. It cracked mightily into the changeling's jaw, and it let out a scream of agony as he let go with one hand and grabbed it by the neck, ramming it into the chalkboard over and over again.

Another burning beam came crashing down, nearly crushing them both. Ryan had to release the creature, which was bleeding some kind of oozing green ichor.

"-ry! Ryan, _hurry!_ I can't keep it up much longer!" Ryan saw that Twilight had been preoccupied with using her magic to keep the roof up, although she was straining with the effort. It was then that he noticed the second changeling, this one with both wings and a wickedly curving horn. Light green shots of light regularly burst from it, slamming into the roof and drawing it closer to the ground. The changeling Ryan had been holding bolted away from him, but not before sinking it's razor sharp fangs deep into his forearm.

He let out a scream of surprise and kicked the thing as hard as he could, hearing a satisfying crunch as one foot connected heavily with one of its wings. It lurched away from him, darting out of the broken window and zipping toward the Everfree Forest, flapping low to the ground. It's ally quickly did the same, shooting one last look at them as it followed its ally.

Ryan made for the door, only to discover that the way was blocked by fire.

There was fire on every side, no way to escape.

And that's when one more blazing beam splintered, dropping directly down on top of him. He tried leaping out of the way, but too late – the heavy wooden log dropped directly onto him. Ryan fell to the floor in pain, soot and ashes flying into his face as he desperately tried to free himself, but to no avail.

_… So. This is how I die. I was expecting more guns, really._

"Ryan!" Twilight yelled for him, hoof protectively covering her own face as the fire burned around them. Sweat poured down her sides, and she looked completely spent.

"Get out!" he choked, pain shooting up from his leg when he tried to move. Unfortunately, it was the exact same leg that had suffered from before. If he got out of this alive, he was going to have one hell of a limp.

If he got out alive at all, that is.

"_Almost_…!" Twilight exclaimed, weakly using her magic to thrust burning wreckage out of the way. She finally reached him, and tried dragging him away from the fire with her teeth. Twilight grabbed his collar, tried using her hooves to drag him; nothing worked.

"Log!_ Fuckin' log!_" Ryan breathed heavily, flames whipping angrily across his leg.

She nodded, leveling her horn at it.

And nothing happened.

"… _Oh, buck me with a shovel!_" Twilight yelled, and kicked the beam as hard as she could. One, two, five – seven kicks, and Ryan could finally wriggle free from the beam. The rest of it came crashing to the ground, and Twilight pushed herself under his arm to grant him some leverage.

"Great," Ryan groaned, discovering that he could no longer stand. "now what?"

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!" Twilight said heavily, small bursts of lavender sparks flying from her horn each time she tried to use her magic, to no avail. The fire roared and burned around them, and Ryan clutched at Twilight's neck.

"Just leave me here; you can get out faster!" he shouted into her ear to make himself heard, but she shook her head repeatedly.

"I'm _not _leaving you!" she yelled back, dodging another pillar of flame. She stared up at a hole in the ceiling that the fallen logs had caused, and she quickly formulated a plan.

"Okay, got it!" she said, eyeing the logs. "If we can get up those, we'll go through the roof. Ready?"

_"No!"_

"Okay!" she said, charging up the burning beam. She dragged the limping Ryan behind her, and for a moment, he believed that they really might make it out alive.

The beam snapped halfway up, and the two came crashing back to the ground. Ryan grabbed her protectively, trying to cover as much of her with his own body as he could before they hit the floor. Ryan landed on his back, and Twilight shrieked in fear as the fire snatched them up hungrily, filling their sight, the pain, the _heat_…!

The last thing Ryan saw before he passed out was a brilliant rainbow.

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